Chapter 4
Social Media Basics: Tips, Hacks, and Everything You Need to Know
If you’re going to have a child online, you need to be a parent online. Your children have been born into a digital world. They are completely at ease with developing technology and are constantly networking with each other. Even if you’re not interested in using these different platforms, the only way to keep up with your kids’ tech savvy is to become proficient yourself. Specific platforms will come and go, but basic tech knowledge is a must—you have to master the digital world before it masters you! Otherwise, you won’t be able to guide and teach your kids how to judge what’s good or bad for them.
Most important of all is your ongoing involvement in and dedication to anything your kids participate in. It’s not just knowing about apps and online platforms—you need to be on them. You need to see who’s following your children and you also need to see what your children are posting or sending out. You might be shocked or even horrified, but more than likely you might be delighted and thrilled by what amazing things your kids can do.
Using social media is a digital online journal of sorts. Tweens/teens use it to express themselves and their life moments. I’ve enjoyed watching my kids develop their own sense of style, personality, knowledge, or love of others via their social media. When Kamri first opened her Instagram account, she took the basic selfie-type pictures that are standard for most teens. But over time, Shaun and I watched as her picture styles began changing. Different perspectives were added, different colors, and macro photos with tons of detail. Soon we saw her playing with various apps to edit the photos before she posted them. Detailed pics of butterfly wings or leaves facing a sunset began to pop up occasionally, all with the use of expert depth of field and lighting. Seeing her love for the art of photography, we bought her a nicer camera and started to teach her how to use aperture, ISO, and shutter speeds to play with the compositions of her photos. Today she continues her love for all things photographic and has a natural talent and ability for editing and taking photos. She just turned fifteen, which is very young to acquire the photography and editing skills that all started from her simply taking photos on her phone to post on her social media.
SOCIAL MEDIA ETIQUETTE
Despite the fact that our children are more fluent in social media than we are, we should still be having conversations with them about social media etiquette. Rules about manners and etiquette need to be as clear for online communication as they are for real-life situations.
Why is this so important? The online world exposes you to literally billions of other people. You never know who’s going to be reading or watching what you post on the other end—which means think before you share.
And, of course, there is no off button. Social media exists 24/7, and what was once confined to school, your house of worship, your workplace, or the walls of your home is now accessible everywhere. Because there is so much activity at any given time and it occurs in such short snippets, I constantly wonder what effect this is having on my kids’ attention spans. Our kids’ generation has become so used to making snap judgments based off instant info that often this takes over their ability to pay attention, concentrate, and study. These snap judgments can have a profound effect on their decision making and the accompanying consequences. This makes basic rules about etiquette even more important.
In addition, nuance is also tough. It’s too easy to misinterpret a text or a posting in a way you’d never misinterpret a conversation because you can’t hear the other person’s tone of voice, see their body language, ask what was meant, and clear up any misunderstandings.
Shaun: “When I was a teenager, you had your inner circle of friends, your acquaintances in the next circle, and then everyone else in the periphery. What type of connections did I have with those groups? My close inner circle was usually a group of five to ten people who’d hang out or play sports together, and we talked to each other all the time—as in, actually talked, face-to-face or on the phone. Then there were acquaintances I saw every once in a while outside of school or my typical circle of friends from church or the neighborhood, or said hi to when I passed them in the hallway. Today, thanks to social media, a typical teen will have hundreds or even thousands of friends in their ‘inner circle’ because they watch each other’s feeds closely; that makes them feel like they ‘know’ each other. All these friends/followers can see what others ate, what they did today, and what their test scores were. If they like what someone else posted, they put little hearts on it or make a comment. Back when I was a teen, there were no more than a dozen people in my inner circle, but today, if a thirteen-year-old kid decides to post a video showing how to blow doughnuts with the smoke from a vape, hundreds of people are watching. It’s as if he took a bag of feathers and shook them out so the wind would take them—if he changes his mind about sharing the post, he’ll never be able to get them all back into the bag.
“That’s why posting without really thinking can be so dangerous, which we’ll discuss in more detail in the next chapter.”
Anonymity Is No Excuse
It’s extremely easy to become anonymous online, and some users say or do things they’d never dream of in real life when they think there won’t be any consequences. Don’t let anonymity tempt your kids into irresponsible commenting/posting. A screen does not give anyone a license to be rude or mean or a license to post anything they may regret later.
One very important age-old saying in our family (and yours, I’m sure) is: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Online, this translates to: “Don’t say anything online to a person that you wouldn’t say to their face.”
We also tell our kids, “If you wouldn’t say it in front of the Three P’s, don’t post it online either.” For us, the Three P’s are your parents, your pastor, and your principal.
Shaun: “We know that if we were able to meet some of the people who may have made negative comments about us, our family, or other YouTubers or social media influencers, we would find that they are probably genuinely really nice people. It’s just you get them in a position where they know they’re likely never going to be found out, so they say what they really think. Is this negativity doing the world any good? No, it’s not. But we all have bad days or get angry or frustrated about something we read online, and feel the need to comment to make ourselves feel better without thinking about the impact it might have, which often isn’t benign at all.
“We want our kids to know that they have a choice. The twins have a large audience, but as individuals, they get to choose whether to put out good or negative messages. They know that what their followers see on their feeds has a ripple effect, and they strive to produce constructive content and to promote that effect. Their followers become role models for good manners and good ideas to their own peers. To borrow one of the twins’ favorite hashtags from our church, #sharegoodness.
“In other words, we know that we can train our audience (to some degree) on what kind of content to expect from us and those in our spaces. When we are kind and share goodness, they will, too. When we delete hurtful comments or gently remind people that this is a safe place, it’s quite amazing and wonderful to see how our audience begins to monitor the space for us. When this happens, children are also learning by seeing positive etiquette online, and what is or isn’t appropriate.
“It is also hard to convince tweens and teens, who tend to live in the moment, about the dangers of posting things that can come back to haunt them in either the near future or years later. In one case that received extensive media coverage in October 2017, a cheerleader at a Utah high school convinced her friends to say two highly offensive and racist words backward, and they filmed themselves laughing as they said the words over and over. The video went viral and the backlash was deservedly fierce as the school said it would take ‘appropriate action.’ What she thought was a joke wasn’t, and while details are scarce about the final ‘action’ taken by the school, the story will remain online in perpetuity—meaning any college or employer Googling these students will be able to read about their ‘prank’ and judge them accordingly.”
BAILEY AND BROOKLYN, ON NEGATIVITY AND NEEDING A THICK SKIN
Bailey: I’d have to say the best thing about social media would be our family’s experience on YouTube. We have what I call a self-imposed filter on what we put up because there’s always that rule of what’s on social media always stays on social media. There’s definitely some monitoring we have to do, but since our brand is really positive, we don’t typically let negative things slide. But I still get surprised by some of the things that people say, especially on Twitter or Instagram or YouTube when people hate on others just because they’re a public figure. I don’t understand why you would take your anger out on strangers on social media. It just reflects poorly on you more than it reflects on the other person. Our rule is to never respond to hate with more hate. Either respond with kindness or don’t respond at all. That goes for in-person communications or online.
Brooklyn: You need to develop a thick skin. I remember the first time I read a comment that was so mean that it actually hurt me. And my mom was, like, “No, they’re just kids who don’t know what they’re talking about, or may be hurting inside themselves.” Ever since then I just kind of look at it from that perspective and it really helps.
USING THE MOST POPULAR FORMS OF SOCIAL MEDIA
We have our own McKnight version of the Miranda rights: Anything negative or inappropriate they post online can and will be held against them! Kids learn from an early age that everything they say has repercussions—good, bad, or neutral. It’s no different online than it is in the “real world.” Having this rule in place before any social media connections take place is a great way to set boundaries and keep your children safe.
Just remember that all families will navigate and run their social media their own way—a way that might be the complete opposite of what you do. Some kids get cell phones when they’re only eight years old, and have no trouble following the rules their parents set up for them; some kids get a cell phone at fifteen and abuse their privileges seemingly overnight. Some toddlers are managing iPads regularly and are masters with their favorite apps, while other much older children still need total supervision. Believe me, you’ll be changing your ideas as quickly as new apps are released!
HOW TO USE TEXTING, BY MINDY, BROOKLYN, AND BAILEY
How It Works
Texting is a fast and easy way to communicate between smartphones and mobile devices by simply typing words, emoticons, or GIFs. (A GIF is an endless loop of a soundless video file, usually no longer than two to six seconds.) All smartphones have a texting app or feature (whether SMS or iMessage). However, there has recently been a surge in the creation of texting apps, especially for large groups such as GroupMe.
Who Uses It
In 2018, just about everyone uses texting whether it’s kids/teens, the working professional, or even your grandparents.
What It’s Used For
It seems like in today’s world, texting has nearly replaced phone calls. It is a quick way to communicate between two or more people by simply typing what you have to say with words, abbreviations, and photos.
How Long the Information Lasts
If you’re like me, text messages seem like they last forever because I never delete them, so they turn into very long threads! Text messages last for as long as you want to keep them, especially when backed up on your computer. When you decide that you no longer want or need to see a text, simply swipe or press delete to remove the text thread. There is also a feature in your phone settings that allows you to choose how long your messages will save to your device. For example, you can choose “delete after a year,” and as the year rolls over, all texts older than a year automatically archive.
Other Features
The world of texting is constantly evolving. You can share music, photos, and videos. You can pay friends electronically via apps such as Venmo, send payment requests and confirmations via text through Apple Pay, and even play group games. If you have a smart watch, you can even send and receive your texts on your wrist!
How Can It Be Shared?
Texts can be shared and screen-grabbed between smartphones/cell phones and mobile devices (e.g., tablets, laptops, smart TVs, and even game systems).
Can You Save What You Post?
Texts are automatically saved in your phone in a thread organized by contact name. You can search for certain threads by clicking on the search bar at the top of your text app, and search using a specific person’s contact name. Often, people will screenshot a text thread to remember certain things or to share a conversation with a friend.
What Can Go Wrong
There is always a chance you could send a text message to the wrong person, which can be troublesome. The biggest issue is when you are in areas of poor service; the text messages won’t send, making it difficult to communicate. Lastly, what you send out digitally will always exist out there in the world digitally. There is no way to fully take back an errant text, or a text containing inappropriate content, which brings us to our next point.
Can You Change Your Mind?
Unlike e-mail, there is no way to unsend a text message, other than turning off your phone or quickly flipping it into airplane mode and wishing and praying for it not to process. Certain phones such as the Apple iPhone have a text feature known as “Invisible Ink,” which allows you to send messages that disappear after they are read. However, if that person takes a screenshot of your message, your content will forever exist out there.
Keeping Your Account Private
Privacy when it comes to text messaging is relatively easy. Just don’t share your number with anyone you wouldn’t want to have it. You can always use the block feature if you don’t want a contact to be able to text you. An alternative to using your personal phone number is to download a texting app (or use an alternative phone number). Using parent apps to monitor cell phones can help parents keep their kids from using texting apps without their knowledge.
Tips and Tricks
• Know how your kids’ phones work. This is an amazingly simple point, but so many parents don’t understand all the little tricks cell phones now have. Either go to a phone store or set up a walk-through education session online or on the phone to answer any questions.
• Turn microphones off for privacy. There are lots of rumors about AI (artificial intelligence) listening in on convos right now and feeding you certain ads based on that. We will eventually learn more about these AI listening tools, but for now, you need to protect yourself.
DIGITAL IS AN ENTIRELY NEW LANGUAGE
When you were in English class in high school, did you ever imagine that you’d be punctuating messages with emojis and abbreviations? I didn’t—because they didn’t exist! But if you want to be as fluent as your children are online, you need to know the most common shortcuts and digital language usage. Don’t panic if you don’t know the text lingo right away—you can always look up what various acronyms mean. These are the ones we see most often:
• Sexting = sending X-rated images or messages via text.
• Emojis = those little images that replace words that communicate emotions, etc.
• Streaming = downloading media to watch.
• LOL, WTG, ROFL, BTW, RN, KWIM, etc. = laugh out loud, way to go, rolling on the floor laughing, by the way, right now, and know what I mean.
• Trolls = No, they aren’t imaginary goblins that lurk under bridges, but people who “troll” others online to leave comments that are usually negative or derogatory.
• Bots = computer-generated fake accounts and/or replies to messages, usually found on Twitter or Facebook.
HOW TO USE SNAPCHAT, BY BAILEY
Snapchat is like the naughty child of social media. You post what you want, knowing it will be gone in ten seconds. I struggle with it because of that aspect—any platform that allows something to disappear after it is posted breeds the opportunity for something bad to happen. Especially as you can take a screenshot of any post to archive it, which negates the instant good-bye.
How It Works
Snapchat is an app for mobile devices that allows you to chat with your friends. You can take a picture or video, add filters that alter how the image looks, and send it to any of your friends on the service. The videos can’t be longer than ten seconds, and the pictures can be seen for only the same short time. You can also send text messages.
Who Uses It
Mostly teens/tweens or digital influencers.
What It’s Used For
Teens use Snapchat to communicate and share pictures and videos. A lot of teens use it as a way to send images and messages they don’t want people to have permanently. I text my mom and my family, but if I’m going to talk to my friends, Snapchat is what I use. I post stuff on Instagram but don’t chat with people there.
How Long the Information Lasts
Snapchat is different from other social media because the messages sent through it are designed to disappear after being read. Any message, photo, or video you post will be gone for good in ten seconds. Your stories will last for only twenty-four hours. Snapchat does make it harder for a potential employer or college recruiter to find images. If someone decides to save the information by taking a screenshot of an image or a message, the sender will automatically be notified that a screenshot took place.
Other Features
Snapchat has features called Memories and Stories. In addition to sending messages directly to other users, you can also take a picture or video and post it on your Story, which is like a newsfeed that any of your friends on Snapchat can watch. The images last for only twenty-four hours; once that period is up, the posts disappear. That is where Memories come into play. If you want to save a snap that you have taken, you can save it to your camera roll by clicking a button in the bottom left corner. When you do that, the snap is automatically added to your Memories, which are accessible on the app itself.
Another fun feature is Streaks. This is when you and a friend also on Snapchat both text each other back within one day. Basically you’ve messaged each other every single day, and the longer that you do, the longer the streak is. So the goal is to keep the streaks going. Streaks can be so important to some of the kids that they’ll leave their phones with their parents when they go to summer camps where they can’t have their phones, and their parents’ assignments are to keep their streaks going!
How Can It Be Shared?
Snaps are sent just like messages. They are shared with whomever the sender wants to send them to.
Can You Save What You Post?
Yes. See “Other Features,” above. You can also screenshot other people’s snaps, but they are notified when you do so. There are ways around this. For example, if someone wanted to save something that was on Snapchat but he didn’t want the person who snapped it to know, he would grab my phone and screenshot the snap onto my phone, and then text it to himself—the original poster on Snapchat would never know. Or if you have a separate digital camera, you can do the same thing by taking a photo of your screen. There are apps that specialize in saving screenshots of snaps.
What Can Go Wrong
Because they are under the impression that what they send will “disappear” after ten seconds, teens might use this social media platform to send images of things they would not usually share, such as pornography, talk of suicide, drugs, sexting, bullying, crimes, etc. But screenshots can be taken and distributed via Twitter or Instagram. There are also websites and apps that allow users to save snaps without notifying the sender. As you already know, the Internet is forever, even when you think it isn’t!
Can You Change Your Mind?
If you send someone a post, you cannot delete it or take it back before they see it. Content posted to Stories can later be deleted.
Keeping Your Account Private
You can change your privacy settings to control who can see your stories. Unlike Instagram, where users often have multiple profiles, Snapchat users generally have only one account and regulate who can see it by refusing friend requests.
HOW TO USE INSTAGRAM (IG), BY MINDY, BROOKLYN, AND BAILEY
How It Works
Instagram is an app that allows you to share photos and videos to an online following. Like Facebook, the posts from those you follow will show up in a feed. Instagram also offers Stories, which allow you to create short bursts of video updates throughout the day that disappear after twenty-four hours.
Who Uses It
Instagram is mostly used by tweens/teens and Millennials (but it seems that working professionals and parents are also joining the bandwagon!). People who are into fashion, fitness, and beauty tend to use Instagram the most. It is also heavily used by brands and digital influencers as well, as a way of marketing products and/or services.
What It’s Used For
Instagram is a way for users to share their lives via photos and videos. However, it seems like IG has really transformed in recent years. Now you can use it to discover lifestyle, beauty, traveling, art/music, and DIY content. In many ways, it’s become the new Pinterest in terms of generating ideas for people looking to improve in certain skill sets such as decorating, culinary arts, fashion, etc.
How Long the Information Lasts
Your IG posts live forever in the app until you choose to either delete your account, or delete an individual post. Instagram Stories last for only twenty-four hours, and Instagram Live lasts for as long as you are using the live feature. You can save your IG Live videos afterward, and choose to have them shared to your IG Story. (Once again, just because you delete an image in Instagram does not mean that it is erased from the Internet.)
Other Features
Instagram Stories—Instagram Stories allows you to capture and post moments throughout the day without posting to your main profile. These posts last only twenty-four hours, and automatically delete after that time is up. You can add fun filters and text/stickers to your story directly through the app, just like Snapchat. They are now also being automatically archived (unless you turn that feature off) so you can repost or reuse them. You can also link a website to your Instagram story. Influencers and brands use this to promote products and give their followers a chance to learn more about the subject of their post.
Instagram Live—Instagram Live allows you to capture and broadcast moments of your daily life in real time, whether it’s a concert, a special event, or a chill day at home, and allows followers to tune in and comment live. You can also save and add your IG Live to your IG Story after your live broadcast has ended.
Instagram Direct Message (DM)—Direct messages allow you to share text, images, and videos to select followers/users.
Discover—This feature allows you to find new content/accounts, or popular/trending content.
Instagram Highlights—Keep all your old stories in subject-specific buckets on your profile by clicking any story into the Highlights feature.
How Can It Be Shared?
You can share your Instagram posts by clicking to share to your other social media accounts when you post the photo, opt the link, and text/e-mail it.
Can You Save What You Post?
You can save your Instagram posts. There is even an option to have them saved to your camera roll. There is also an option to save someone else’s post as well. Just click and hold the ribbon button at the bottom right of the picture, and save it to a playlist. You can go onto your profile and view your playlists with those saved pictures anytime. Instagram story pics are auto-archived unless you opt out.
What Can Go Wrong
There is always the possibility you could upload the wrong photo, DM the wrong person, post on the wrong account, or even share something you regret later. You can always delete your posts or messages; anything that you’ve ever posted online, however, will always be available somewhere, so be careful what you post!
You can also inadvertently fall into feeds of photos you don’t want to see such as partial nudity or other obscene content. Sometimes the Instagram Discover feature can be the most dangerous content in this regard, especially if you have young children. Certain hashtags will also bring up questionable photos. Instagram does try to filter out explicit pornography, but some people take it as close to the line as possible, which can be dangerous.
Also, sometimes your phone’s geolocation may be turned on, and you are not aware, resulting in your photos being coded with your physical location on them, making where that photo was taken available to all who view the photo or video. Make sure this feature is turned off on all your devices.
If you’re worried about what your kids are searching for, check their Explore page on their Instagram accounts. Go in and submit as spam anything “bad” that pulls up, as this helps prevent that info from coming up all the time. This also tells you what your kids might be searching for since each person’s Explore page is unique to their searches. (For example, my Explore page has a lot of hair pics because that is what I’m commenting on or viewing all the time.)
Can You Change Your Mind?
If you change your mind, you can simply delete the post.
Keeping Your Account Private
In your settings, you can select to have a private or a public account. Private means that only people you choose to accept can see your account. All other follow requests you can deny. Public status on your account means anyone can see it. You can also choose to select specific followers with whom to share your IG story and even choose to hide your posts from certain followers.
Tips and Tricks
• Make sure that Internet use in your house is in a public place, in full view of everyone, and apply content filters if necessary. We have a little cubby off our living room so that we can easily supervise our kids when they go online. They know the door has to stay open. This is harder to do when your kids are teens and want and deserve privacy. I always say that trust is slowly built and easily lost and that phones are a privilege and not a right. As you’ll read about in more detail in the next chapter, I still believe older kids require random spot checks on their devices. They’ll never feel immune to the consequences of what they post because they understand that, at any given moment, Mom or Dad can take the phone and check what’s going on. Most of the time, we’re pleased to see that nothing is amiss, and the kids get a pat on the back and a reminder that we love them.
• For younger children, one way to stay looped into their social media is to only allow them to access their social accounts on a parent’s phone. This is a good way to monitor what they’re up to before you really want to give them a phone.
HOW TO USE TIKTOK, BY BROOKLYN AND KAMRI
How it Works
TikTok is primarily a skit and lip-sync music video social app to create short-form videos. Viewers can “heart” your videos and follow your account, which can help you get discovered by new users.
Who Uses It
Anyone can use the platform, but it is mostly used by kids, tweens, and teens.
How Long the Information Lasts
Videos last forever after you’ve posted them, unless you delete the post. Live moments will last only twenty-four hours after they have been posted.
How Can It Be Shared?
You can share by copying the link, texting or e-mailing it, or saving it to your camera roll. You can also share on other social media platforms.
What Can Go Wrong?
There’s always a chance someone may steal your content, but if you keep an eye out it’s easy to make sure nothing like that happens.
Can You Change Your Mind?
Yes. At any point you can change your privacy settings on your account, or delete past posts.
Keeping Your Account Private
In your account settings, you can choose to share content with friends and family only, or with the public.
HOW TO USE STREAMING, BY SHAUN, MINDY, BROOKLYN, AND BAILEY
How It Works
Streaming takes place via an online service or app for mobile devices that allows you to listen to music or watch TV shows, YouTube videos, movies, or even live broadcast videos wherever you are. Some streaming services require a monthly subscription, but there are many free (and legal) services as well. (Illegal sites stream copyrighted material, such as films, without permission, and are often linked to computer viruses.)
Who Uses It
Most services require you to be a certain age to sign up for an account, but nearly anyone can use streaming services at any time whether you are at home or on the go.
What It’s Used For
Streaming is an easy way to have millions of entertainment options at your fingertips no matter where you are, whether it be music, movies, television shows, podcasts, etc.
How Long the Information Lasts
Streaming lasts for as long as you run the app session or hold a subscription to the service. Streaming services may choose to remove, add, or filter content, which can affect the content that is available to you. For example, Netflix and Hulu add and remove movies and shows every month in order to keep the content on their platform relevant and fresh. Streaming services may also offer different content based on your location; Netflix suggests different movies and shows to their subscribers in India vs. the United States, etc. That said, platforms such as Spotify and YouTube offer the same content around the globe based on the user’s interests.
Other Features
Streaming has an array of features. Depending on the service you are using, you can create playlists, share with friends, and more. With music streaming specifically, you can listen to music even when you don’t have Wi-Fi. YouTube just announced last year the ability to watch videos offline. Other streaming apps allow you to have access to music videos, live videos, TV shows, and more. If you are really loving a song, the app can direct you to where you can buy it. Some apps/services allow multiple people on the account or give you the option to buy a family plan so everyone can share and enjoy their favorite entertainment.
How Can It Be Shared?
If you are really jamming, or enjoying a show, you can share with your friends and family through the streaming service whether it’s via text message, social media, or even within the app.
Can You Save What You Post?
Some streaming apps allow you to add, save, or download content for as long as you have your subscription or account.
What Can Go Wrong
Not much can go wrong, except for what my dad says in this section. Ads are typically present on these services and can be annoying, but most services allow you the option to pay for an ad-free service. Of course, if you don’t have unlimited data, you have to be Wi-Fi-dependent, which can lead to streaming connection issues. This can become incredibly expensive.
Shaun: “Streaming is one of the best ways to use the Internet, as so much content—music, movies, TV shows, podcasts, YouTube videos—will literally ‘stream’ to be instantly watchable on your device. But there is a huge caveat to live streaming that scares me—which is how much damage it can unwittingly do.
“In the other platforms we use, particularly YouTube, we film our scenes and then edit them to make our videos as engaging as possible. Editing allows you to add all kinds of features as well as catch mistakes, like a misstated word or something that might be misinterpreted, and gives you the opportunity to cut them out. While with live broadcasting, there are no do-overs, edits, or censoring, so whatever you or your kids say will be out there forever. We’ve allowed our kids, who are experienced at putting content online, to go live occasionally, but only if we as parents are there to supervise.
“Another danger to live streaming is that hackers can easily find out your location through a live feed by listening to environmental noises or by looking at your surroundings. Some unscrupulous pranksters have gone so far as to call 911 when someone is live streaming, to report a crime in progress, just so they can watch the police arrive and see what happens to the innocent victim. Never mind that this is a felony and a dangerous waste of police resources (and has sometimes ended up with the innocent victims being harmed and mistaken for criminals).
“A lot of kids do live broadcasts and say, ‘Okay, you can ask me anything!’ The good thing is that, with yourself or your kids, if you say, ‘Ask me anything,’ who’s really in control of where the direction goes? It’s you, right? Well, if it’s your children who are involved in this, you know they could be asked some inappropriate or too-personal things and you know they want to be genuine, and they could answer the question and it could lead into something that you don’t want discussed. So I think it’s important for a parent to be involved in that process if their kids are going to broadcast live. I also think going into it, if you say, ‘Ask me anything,’ give strict guidelines about the topic, such as ‘Ask me anything about our family vacation.’ Teen commenters have been known to cross the line and say things like, ‘Can you take off your shirt—hey, you said ask me anything!’ You don’t want that happening to your child.”
We have very strict guidelines with our kids about going live. Our kids aren’t allowed to go live without permission first, and when they do, they need one of us parents to be on the stream when it is taking place. This allows us to make sure we are all comfortable with the setting, fully aware that they are live, and can monitor what is discussed. We ask our kids not to film near the mailbox, the front of the house, or other places that might identify where we live. We often ask them not to wander the entire house while filming so that people can’t figure out the general layout of the house. We have the notifications on our phones turned ON so that on the off-chance any of our children do go live without permission, we get notified and can jump into their live streams and watch what is happening. If the live is on Instagram, we ask them to turn off their public comments before going live (if your account is already set to private, this isn’t a problem). If someone goes live and has the public comments turned on and their live starts trending, it will be pushed to the Explore page on Instagram. When this happens, you can get lots of creepers leaving nasty comments or asking for inappropriate things. Using this setting to limit comments to only your followers or only people you follow will prevent this from happening.
There are also filters under the same settings on Instagram where you can add swear words and other words you don’t want to allow posted from viewers during the live. We add in our phone numbers, our address, etc. Remember to misspell a few of the worst words as this is a common workaround for filters.
Can You Change Your Mind?
The nice thing about streaming is that you have autonomy. If you don’t want to continue with the entertainment, you can change it, or unsubscribe from the service altogether.
Keeping Your Account Private
If you are not in the mood to let everyone know what you are streaming, you can easily switch your streaming mode to private to ensure that no one can see what you are doing. In addition, you can always disable any settings that would post to your social media accounts. You can also set up specific password-locked child accounts for younger children in many of the streaming apps. This allows you to keep certain types of content (PG, PG13, etc.) out of those locked areas and only allows your children access to content that you are comfortable with.
HOW TO USE SKYPE OR FACETIME, BY MINDY
How It Works
Skype and FaceTime are services that allow you to keep in contact with your loved ones or colleagues through a video call. If you have an iPhone, you can FaceTime anyone else who has an iPhone, Mac computer, or iPad. For Android phones, there are apps called House Party, Cabana, Google Duo, or use Facebook Messenger. The Skype app works on all devices, as long as you sign up for an account. To use it, you have to download the app on your mobile device or log in online. Simply search for or select a contact and you can video-call that person.
Who Uses It
Anyone can use it… kids, parents, grandparents, family members, coworkers, boyfriends/girlfriends, BFFs, and more.
What It’s Used For
Have a long-distance friend or bae (that’s short for “before anyone else,” or babe)? Business colleagues in another country? Skype and FaceTime are ideal, as well as any other teleconference software. Kids love it as it enhances their calls with full visual communication, too. It’s the convenience of calling anyone with the added bonus of actually seeing their faces, reading their expressions, almost like you’re talking to them in real life.
How Long the Information Lasts
The video call lasts for as long as you want. Simply click the end call button and the call will terminate.
Other Features
If you are not in the mood to video-chat (bad hair day?), you can select an “Audio Only” version, which allows you to communicate just as if you were making a phone call except that you do not need a phone plan. All you need is a Wi-Fi connection, so the call acts as a VOIP (Voice Over Internet Protocol) call. Some video-chatting apps such as Skype do allow you to communicate via text message as well, usually to leave a message in case the person you tried to contact didn’t answer the video call.
How Can It Be Shared?
As of now, you cannot share your Skype or FaceTime calls.
Can You Save What You Post?
You cannot save your Skype or FaceTime calls either. However, there are apps that will allow you to screen-record your calls for later use.
What Can Go Wrong
Sometimes a poor Wi-Fi connection makes it hard to see the person on the screen or the video call can be dropped. People (especially teens) can also use the face-to-face calls for inappropriate activities such as video sexting, etc. This should be a huge concern for you as a parent, as we discuss in many different sections of this book. If you aren’t using Wi-Fi, face-to-face calls will eat up a lot of data usage.
Can You Change Your Mind?
You can simply hang up the video call with the click of a button.
Keeping Your Account Private
You can manage your Skype account’s privacy in the settings. For example, you can control who can make Skype calls to you, whether anyone with a Skype account can find you or only your friends and family who are listed on your direct contact list. Online safety is important and Skype allows you to both block specific Skype accounts or simply remove them from your contact list.
Tips and Tricks
• In the App Stores, any app that has already been installed on a device will have “Open” when you click on it. An app that hasn’t been downloaded will say “Get” or “Buy.” If you hear of apps that are inappropriate for teens and children, but can’t find them on their devices, simply go to the App Store on their devices and search for a given troublesome app. If your child has ever downloaded it, you will see either “Open” or a cloud with a down arrow under it, instead of “Buy.”
• Kids are fickle about the apps they use. They often download something, use it once or twice, get bored, and then delete it or forget that it’s there. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be checking out what they check out. If the kids are excitedly discussing a new app, download it yourself. Get a family plan that requires users to ask permission before any app can be installed. This works for free or bought apps.
• Don’t give your kids access to your credit cards. Check your bill every month to ensure that nothing has been downloaded without your permission.
SHAUN, ON WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU HEAR, “DON’T YOU TRUST ME?”
I grew up near a college town in Idaho, and I would always ask my parents if I could take the nicer car out on my dates, instead of the embarrassing minivan or old clunkers. My parents usually said no, and I’d ask my mom, “Why don’t you trust me?” She explained that she trusted me and my driving skills, but she didn’t trust the kids who went to the nearby colleges who came from out of state and didn’t have a clue how to drive on icy country roads.
So it isn’t that we distrust our kids. It’s that we don’t trust the world they’re in to have their best interests at heart. Whether they’re inside the house online or outside with their friends, that trust lesson applies.
When the inevitable “Don’t you trust me?” line arrives, your reply should be something like, “Of course I trust you, but I’m not stupid!” Or something similar! The point you’re trying to make is that, “Yes, I trust you, but I don’t trust the Internet. I know that kids and teens might not have the judgment yet to make the best decisions when they get into situations. And I also don’t trust the people who come into your orbit that you might not have control over.” Just as my parents didn’t trust the young inexperienced drivers in the snow.
VAULT APPS, BY MINDY AND SHAUN
How It Works
One of the biggest abuses of apps on cell phones is vault or ghost apps. These are apps designed to keep photos or information secret, and they’re disguised as a perfectly innocuous app to fool anyone but the primary user about their real intention. In other words, they’re deliberate digital hiding spots for stuff that kids should not be seeing or using. They can only be opened with a passcode that “unlocks” the vault.
Vault apps often look like calculators, clocks, or a simple video game. When checking their kids’ phones, most parents just look at the text logs and social media feeds, and if they see a calculator, they’re not going to think anything is amiss. Cell phones always come with default calculator and clock apps as part of the operating system, so seeing a duplicate function app is a tip-off, as is seeing a large file size on any app in this category in the phone’s settings. You can also go to the App Store on your kids’ phone and do a search for vault apps, looking for the “Open” or download-from-cloud icon as mentioned previously.
Who Uses It
Anyone who wants to keep information or images secret, mostly teens, particularly young boys and men who choose to hide pornographic content from family members.
What It’s Used For
Hiding content and information you don’t want anyone to see. Usually these will contain pornographic photos/videos, screenshots of text logs with sensitive conversations (sexting), cheat sheets for upcoming exams, etc.
Best Things to Use It For
There is no good reason for a child or teen to need to use a vault app.
How Long the Information Lasts
As long as the app is installed, the information will stay in the vault.
How Can It Be Shared?
The information or photos can be shared the same way anything can be shared from your phone, via Bluetooth, text, or e-mail.
Can You Save What You Post?
Vault apps are a repository, so anything stored there will remain until it’s deleted.
What Can Go Wrong
If someone is keeping images such as pornography on his or her device, and they share any of it with minors, this is illegal. It constitutes child pornography. Teens often do not think of this as they are inter-sharing content among minors such as revenge porn, or candid locker room shots, etc. Some teen boys will even offer cash bounties to classmates in exchange for catching nude photos of a desired female, with their consent or not. The bounty goes even higher if the target female is a girl who would never consider taking a nude selfie.
Keeping Your Account Private
The entire purpose of a vault app is secrecy and privacy.
FOR THE ANALOG GENERATION ONLY
Ready for the eye rolls? Ignore them. Your kids will almost always shun apps their parents love and visit regularly. Most parents don’t like the temporary nature of Snapchat, so that’s where their kids are. Instagram, however, is becoming increasingly popular with adults, which will not make your offspring happy!
My kids call Facebook “Deadbook”—because they wouldn’t be caught dead using it. “It’s for grandmas posting photos of their grandchildren,” Brooklyn told me. Way to make me feel old!
I love to use Facebook to communicate with my friends. It’s a terrific social media platform, making it easy to find long-lost classmates or acquaintances, get information and news, and join support groups. I also know it’s the last place my kids will ever go to see what I’ve posted. It’ll be interesting to see if our kids decide to join Facebook when they’re older and start having families, and they realize what a helpful platform it can be. It may even be that Facebook reinvents itself and becomes relevant again to the younger kids.
Be warned, though, that oversharing on Facebook is a very common issue. It’s incredibly tempting to post every cute thing your kids did, but remember, the Internet is forever. Your children are entitled to privacy, and as they get older, they might get upset to see something that you thought was adorable but that they find embarrassing or revealing. Even if you delete something, if someone has already shared it, it’s still going to be available. I’ve read some postings on Facebook that were extremely alarming—talking in-depth about their child’s very personal mental health issues or struggles with addiction, for example, without the teen’s permission.
No matter who you are, it’s important to be wary of strangers who want to friend you. If they have almost no other friends or photos on their profile, they’re usually bots, hackers, or scammers. Be judicious in your friending. Some of these fake friends will hijack your account, send you viruses, post obscene content or fraudulent links, or hit up your close personal friends and family for money claiming to be you in an emergency (using info and names you have shared on your profile). You can report problems to Facebook or block users who are offensive, but Facebook’s responses are often inadequate and frustrating, which is one of the site’s biggest drawbacks.
Tips and Tricks
Always ask yourself if you need to share an image or an anecdote before sharing it. If you have any doubts, don’t do it! Once the kids are old enough, ask their permission before posting. Or if they did give permission but ask you to take it down later, do it in front of them so they see that you value their opinion. Teens, especially, start Googling each other, and images they might have loved when they were ten can be deeply mortifying to them a few years later.
E-mail is still the primary communication method in professional settings and the best way to write, receive, and archive longer messages, especially those with attached files. It’s also harder when typing and sending e-mails to make mistakes that you might regret later. For kids, e-mail has been almost entirely overtaken by texting or tweeting. They use it only for school communication (if that) and see it as something adults need for their work.
We’ve found that we have to “teach” our kids to use e-mail! Despite how savvy they are with tech stuff, e-mail seems to be the one thing that they are totally disinterested in learning. We had to show them how to attach files, the difference between CC and BCC, the pros to using e-mails (such as having written, searchable e-mails), and more. We know as parents that professionals are still using e-mail, which means that we need to teach our kids e-mail proficiency before they leave for college. We started e-mailing project details to our kids or even forwarding their appointment reminders, college application links, etc., when they were juniors in high school. This process started slow, and over the next year we sent them more and more. In the beginning we even had to text them and say, “Hey, just sent you an e-mail!” That way we knew they would see and respond to it.
LANDLINES AND PHONE CALLS
Shaun: “I remember the day my parents brought our very first microwave home at Christmastime when I was about four. It was huge and probably cost a lot of money. In later years, I remember getting off the phone with my grandma, and I said to myself, ‘Someday, the phone will have a TV in it, and we’ll be able to see whomever we’re talking to.’ My kids have no idea what a revelation it is to people of my generation that we can do this on our cell phones. If I showed them the landline phone I used back then, they wouldn’t know how to use it! I used to marvel at Michael Knight (from Knight Rider) being able to talk to his car KITT via his watch. Now I can make phone calls to anyone on my own smart watch!”
In many communities, landlines are becoming extinct, but it can be worth keeping one—not attached to an answering machine—as a safety measure for emergencies if you live in an area where your electricity is spotty. I have friends in New York City that keep their landlines because, on 9/11, regular phones still worked when cell phones were unusable. Having said that, our newer house doesn’t even have any landline jacks in the walls!
If you have a regular phone, make sure your kids know how to use it, too. Recently, a company sent us a very cute lip-shaped landline phone. I showed the twins and mentioned that it would be fun to use it in a video as a prop. Bailey promptly picked up the phone and asked Brooklyn to give her a friend’s phone number so she could call her. As I watched incredulously, she dialed the number, and her expression of sheer confusion when the phone didn’t respond with a ringtone was priceless. “Bailey,” I said, “the phone has to be plugged in to work.” She looked at me as if I had two heads. I explained how, back in the olden days, telephones were wired to jacks in the wall because cellular communication networks didn’t exist. Another my-age-is-showing moment for Mom!
It was kind of bittersweet, because when I was growing up, I spent hours and hours on the phone with my friends. The only privacy I had was stretching the corkscrew phone cord as far away from my siblings as it would go—I even hid in closets to chat with my girlfriends about my latest crush. Now, of course, kids text with blazing speed instead of talking, although it’s a bit ridiculous to send twenty-three texts to try to make a date when a twenty-second phone call would do the trick. Girls will even text their boyfriends while sitting right next to them, rather than speak to them directly!
I worry a lot about this, as written communication is just not the same as in-person conversation. The subtle visual or aural clues you’d get face-to-face are impossible to convey with words only, so it’s so easy to misinterpret something said in innocence, leading to drama and hurt feelings. Still, my teens prefer a text system. They claim it documents what was said, especially if the text is asking me for permission to do an activity, and they also say that it’s faster. No chatty conversations that last forever with texts, they claim. They don’t realize their three thousand texts are essentially the same thing!
MANNERS 101: RESPOND TO YOUR MESSAGES, PLEASE
Back in the olden analog days, if the phone rang, you answered it. If you missed a call, you returned it. Now, it’s not so simple. So we decided to spell it out in our phone contract, which you’ll see here to here in the previous chapter, to make it so much simpler for our kids to understand and obey the rules about phone communication.
One of the rules is that if we as parents text them, they need to respond. Within reason, of course—if they’re driving, then no texting, please! At their next stop, they can let me know the message was received. Or if you’re really pressed for time, send an emoji. If I text the girls and say, “Hey, you need to be here at this time,” and I can see that they’ve read it and they don’t show up at that time, there are going to be consequences. If you establish mandatory expectations with Mom and Dad, this becomes a good habit with friend-to-friend communication. It really isn’t that hard to interact in a timely, respectful manner! Our kids know that old cliché—what goes around comes around—is especially apt for texting.
Our three eldest kids have a lot of followers on social media, but we make clear to them how important it is to respond as promptly and as often as they can. It’s impossible to answer everybody, but I tell them to be online often enough and reply to people often enough that fans understand that there’s a chance that they could hear from you. (This is something a lot of celebrities forget, or tell their assistants to handle; often, they’ll only respond when someone is attacking them or to pitch a product or service. Not a good way to keep your fans engaged!) We tell our kids that we want them to have a meaningful conversation with their audience. That being said, though, we also tell them that we do not want them to be on social media all the time.
About RnR
The flip side to this is RnR. No, this does not mean rest and relaxation as you would think! On social media, it stands for Read, no Reply. An example of this would be if I texted Brooklyn with a question and I could see that her read receipt showed she had read my text, but never replied. For adults, sometimes we just get busy and forget to respond to texts, but sometimes kids use this as an intentional way of hurting people. They know the other person sees that the text was read, but intentionally ignore them. This drives me crazy! I think it is so rude. Whoever does this is basically assuming power in the relationship and just blowing you off—on most social media sites, your followers and friends can see that you are online. RnR is incredibly passive-aggressive and causes endless hurt in many relationships.
Our kids know that their friends are sometimes really busy with schoolwork or other issues or personal crises when they don’t reply. When that happens, a simple apology is enough. RnR becomes a difficult issue when it’s chronic and meant to hurt the feelings of the person on the receiving end.
The best way to deal with this is to have your kids turn their “read receipts” off. It means they turn off the ability for others to see if they have read their messages. It also prevents hurt feelings for people who might think they are being ignored when you really are just busy or driving. To combat RnR, we as parents have to model good manners for our kids. If Mom and Dad aren’t good at returning messages they receive, then their children are taught that ignoring people is okay. You don’t want to answer rudeness with rudeness. Instead, you answer rudeness with kindness and good manners, which will eventually rub off on your kids and their friends.
Introducing a cell phone contract can help. Think about how you want your child to behave and what important lessons they need to learn in order to keep the privilege of a phone, which of course is what they use for all their social media communications. Friends respect each other. Everyone’s time is valuable.
Ghosting
Ghosting is a step further than RnR. Sometimes, people simply stop all communication and disappear with no explanation—as if they’ve become ghosts to the friends they’re neglecting because it feels like they just don’t exist anymore. It’s the modern-day blow-off. It’s used a lot in relationships when people don’t want to keep dating, but don’t know how to tell the other person.
Sub-tweeting
Sub-tweeting is another passive-aggressive form of communication often seen on Twitter and other social media platforms. It’s a post, often a tweet, that criticizes another person without actually mentioning their name—it’s the digital version of the Carly Simon song “You’re So Vain,” where many of the people in her orbit thought they were the “vain” one! The person in question knows that their friend is talking about them, but doesn’t have much recourse because they aren’t specifically named. It gives the poster plausible deniability in case the recipient gets upset at the sub-tweet, by allowing them the reply that “You took my message out of context,” or “I wasn’t talking about you.” A lot of kids, and even some adults, sub-tweet because they feel the need to vent or get back at a bully, but it often backfires and makes the situation worse. Kids are super-savvy, and they know when they’re being talked about—or dissed.
For example, if Brooklyn tweeted, “Some people don’t know how to make a punishment fit the crime,” right after I’d taken her phone away, I’d know that she was talking about me. Could I prove it? No! She would look at me, smile sweetly, and say she was talking about her friends’ parents. Shaun and I try to make our kids understand that sub-tweeting is not okay.
Strong Opinions
Thanks to the anonymity of the Internet, it’s all too easy to share strong opinions without fear of censure. This trickles down to our kids, who can start to feel the need to convince everyone of their opinions and thoughts instead of agreeing to disagree or acknowledge they are both right. I think this is due to social media—and we certainly see it in our current political climate. Brooklyn and another cousin bumped into this over a college decision not too long ago, and it was tough to find a compromise when each was convinced she was right.
Kids are also more tuned into politics and world events than ever. Rylan asked me about who the president was when I was her age, and I didn’t even know. As children, I don’t think we paid as much attention to current events unless our parents told us something or we happened to see the TV news. Now kids are inundated with politics and current events via socials so they are very savvy and aware. The plus side is that it creates change, social movements, and solidarity (such as teenagers becoming invested in righting the wrongs of society with the #MeToo movement, women’s rights, and other hot topics such as gun control and Black Lives Matter). The negative side is that it creates dissent, tension, and friends can be lost over differences of opinion. We always tell our kids that everyone is entitled to their opinion, but they can’t convince anyone of anything who doesn’t want to be open-minded enough to listen to ideas contrary to their own.
Acknowledgments and the (Dreaded) Thank-You’s
Do you remember your parents’ stern admonition to sit down and write thank-you’s for all your birthday or holiday gifts before you even got to play with them? I do, grumbling all the way, of course!
Getting a thank-you note in the mail has become a rare occurrence now, but I’m digitally savvy enough to be okay with one that’s e-mailed. But even that is becoming rarer, and it’s more than a little upsetting when, for example, you give some very generous gifts and are met with… nada. For the dozens of wedding or graduation gifts we’ve given over the last few years, we’ve received only a few thankyou notes. It’s so disappointing not to be acknowledged. Nowadays I think most people are fine with an e-mailed thank-you instead of a handwritten card. With teens, you’ll be lucky to get a thank-you in a text message, and they’ll make sure you know how long (as in fifteen seconds) it took them to write it!
So we make a point of ensuring that our kids send thank-you’s whether by cards, e-mails, or texts. It’s something we feel is part of our family culture, as well as our business, to acknowledge people and their efforts, simply because—we want everyone to feel welcomed and appreciated. We send out birthday greetings, and whenever we collaborate with other influencers, we try to send them a little something, like a fruit bouquet, as a thank-you for working with us. A small gesture can reap big rewards, too, as people always remember an unexpected gift and attribute it to you as a gracious person. It’s not about what you send—but that you thought enough to actually send something.
We also love to do little things with our kids that are meaningful to each of them in a special way, so they feel that affirmation as well. I’ve sent little gifts to the girls at school at times, and I know that action has rubbed off on them. Once, when Kamri was having a particularly hard week and felt like she was the third wheel with her friends, Brooklyn overheard what was happening and called a cookies-and-milk service and had them deliver the goodies to Kamri at school. The note read, “See how many friends you get when they find out you have cookies!”
You always try to have an impact on your kids, and the most satisfying moments come when they show you what they’ve learned without you prodding them. As soon as Brooklyn got home, I told her how proud I was of her, and her face just lit up with joy. The life lesson had been learned, and she implemented it on her own.
So write/text/e-mail those thank-you’s!
PARENTAL CONTROL
Two of the most popular and helpful smartphone monitoring apps I’ve tried are Our Pact and MMGuardian. These apps allow you to block certain phone numbers, view text threads, set usage time limits, and monitor what which sites kids are frequenting.
With the addition of iOS 12, Apple stepped up its parental control game with a new feature called Screen Time. So far, this may be my favorite monitoring tool yet. You can track how much time your children are spending on their phones, and see exactly what they’re using. Using password protection, you can disable internet browsing and texting during a set time period (for example, during dinnertime or bedtime), even limit what music, podcasts, movies, shows, books, and apps they can use. Since putting it on Rylan’s phone, Shaun and I see her pop up around the house much more often!
Expect immediate pushback when you first implement monitoring tools. But seeing your kids react negatively to your parenting means you are likely on the right track in terms of setting needed limits!
LIFE IS A MIX OF ANALOG AND DIGITAL—USE THE BEST OF BOTH
There are many things in life that kids will never be able to learn online. Ideally, you want to aim for that sweet spot where the best of analog and the best of digital seamlessly interface with each other, allowing your kids to thrive in the real world and the virtual one.
What can’t they learn online? How to work inside the home. How to deal with other people socially. How to enjoy being outside in nature. How to do things with their hands and bodies that have nothing to do with electronics.
Don’t be afraid to turn off the Internet. Have a Wi-Fi-free weekend at home every once in a while, or go camping where cell signals are weak. Some of our best vacations were cruises where there was no cell data onboard. I wish we could have more of this.
I am often in awe of how our kids are so much more adaptable and pliable than I was as a child—thanks to the wonders of the digital world, which makes them a valuable part of a global community. As you know if you’ve ever tried to learn a new language as an adult, it’s not so easy to become skilled at something new, plus we tend to get more and more fixed in our habits as we get older. It’s really wonderful that our kids are so at ease with digital technology because it’s all they’ve known. They’re the ones who are teaching us—as long as we’re there to listen.