Chapter 8

Being Honest and Safe in a World of Digital Fakery

Growing up in a loving family, engaged in our church and our community in our analog world, meant I felt safe. Safe to run outside and play, safe to attend school without fear of being hurt, and safe at home with my family. But because, as I said earlier, the digital world has expanded our knowledge of current events in a global and instantaneous way, and because society has shifted in ways unimaginable when I was in school—such as needing to have lockdown drills in elementary schools—it seems like we’re living in scary times. The best way to make your children feel safe is with age-appropriate honesty, with helping them to discern what’s real and what’s fake, and by availing yourself of the digital technology, such as phone tracking, that can put everyone’s mind at ease.

When they know you are being honest with them, they will be honest with you. I learned a great tip from a friend: She told her children that she would not get mad at them if they did something seriously wrong, as long as they told her the truth. That told her children that she trusted them, and by knowing that she wouldn’t blow up at them about infractions, they were far less likely to go off the rails. It’s important, even with scary stuff or inappropriate behavior, that kids know their parents won’t immediately fly off the handle. This becomes even more important when the kids are older and parents too often immediately react in a negative way to being told something. Sometimes kids just want a neutral sounding board, not criticism or intervention, so they can figure out solutions on their own—but if they know they’re going to get shut down or yelled at, they’re less likely to open up. Be sure to offer different options to kids on what they want to do, with one of them being parent intervention. I try to force my kids to handle their own issues, but I do step in occasionally when I can see it’s not working.

BEING HONEST ABOUT THE TOUGH STUFF

When I was growing up, my parents weren’t super open about difficult subjects because they didn’t know how to broach them, or were themselves embarrassed by those subjects. I feel a lot of parents are like this, choosing instead to assume their kids will learn about difficult subjects from school, friends, or books/TV, etc. When I became a parent I made a concerted effort to ensure my kids heard about the tough stuff from me first. I wanted to have open communication on difficult subjects and allow my kids to ask me questions before the world got to them.

Open Lines of Communication

Your kids might have zero interest in porn, drugs, or drinking, but I can guarantee that some of their peers do. Your child is going to have friends whose parents have different rules, and might be much more or much less strict that you are. Let’s say your son is at a friend’s house, and the friend’s older brother comes home with some of his friends, and they start showing everyone what’s on their phones, including images that are graphic and upsetting or that involve bullying or sexting. What can you do about that?

In order for your kids to be prepared to govern themselves, they have to be informed. I cannot overstress the importance of having open and honest conversations with your kids and teaching them your thoughts and feelings on difficult subjects before the world does. You can have age-appropriate conversations, but they still need to be happening. We don’t shy away from any topics that naturally come up in our house. We use correct anatomical terms for our body parts and teach even our little kids that there is no more shame in using the words “penis” and “vagina” than in saying “elbow” or “nose.” All of my children have had many conversations about puberty and what it means and looks like well before the school ever did their maturation programs. Now that I have older teens, we’ve had conversations about STDs, vaping, sexting, pornography, the underage sex trade, etc.

I’m actively having those really sensitive conversations with my kids from twelve years old and up. This may sound young to some parents, and it’s always within your prerogative to decide when these conversations happen, but I wanted to be the first relayer of information to my kids. I didn’t want the Internet, social media, or their friends to teach them before I did, and I realize that with digital media, it happens much younger than some of us imagine.

This is where the “Teach and Govern” principles, which I discuss in Chapter 10, can be your fallback. As you know, your role as a parent is to teach your children correct principles and let them make decisions accordingly. When they’re confronted with options, it’s up to them to make good choices or bad choices. In the example above, your son might ignore the older brother or leave. He might tell his friend that he won’t be coming back if the brother is going to act like that. Or he might eagerly watch what is on the brother’s phone. But because you’ve taught your son to have good character, even if he makes a bad choice, he’ll realize that what he did was wrong. He’ll turn a bad choice into a good lesson on his own because you’ve taught him how to govern himself.

We teach our kids to use the “I’m not feeling well” excuse when they are in a bad situation and need us. Our kids can, at any time, tell their friends they aren’t feeling well, excuse themselves to a bathroom, call one of us and ask to be picked up right away, and we will drop everything to go get them. No questions asked. It gives them a safe and easy way to save face in front of their friends while still removing themselves from the situation.

We have also used a “safe” word before. Perhaps the word is “elephant” and your kids are in a situation where they can excuse themselves away from their friends. This is when they can text us and say something like, “Mom, you know I love elephants.” This is my clue to call my kids and suddenly have an urgent situation at home they must be back for. I’ve also seen parents who have a specific safe letter or symbol, and if that appears in a text from their kids, that means the parent should call or come immediately.

Our kids know that Shaun and I are invested in their well-being and check on them not to snoop and be intrusive, but instead to make sure they are okay. I firmly believe that most kids choose to do what’s right. I wonder if kids who act out and those who have serious issues sometimes aren’t held accountable for their behavior by their parents. Kids like this are begging for boundaries and rules that make them feel safe and cared for.

That’s why it’s so important to be preemptive. Your kids need to be afraid that you might find out something and to know that you mean business when it comes to consequences. When you enforce the rules lovingly but without exceptions, they’ll feel safer and behave in a way that will make you proud. Shaun and I always check up on parties before we take our kids to them, making sure parents will be home and that supervision will be happening. We need to have basic information such as location, time they will be home, whether they’ll be going anywhere else, etc., and they must let us know if the plans change for any reason.

If you asked my kids what would happen if they broke a rule, they’d tell you, “My mom would find out. She would definitely find out. Somehow, she would always know!” I guess this is the digital equivalent of having eyes in the back of your head!

Your intent isn’t to terrify your children into obedience. Rather, you want to let them know that you are smart about social media and well connected to other parents, and that you’ll use this knowledge and these connections to figure out what they’re trying to get away with. Don’t moms always know?

The Truth Squad

It’s never easy to pick up the phone and share information with other parents about their own children, but this is something I’ve done many times—my friends and I jokingly call it the Truth Squad. There is enough trust between us and the parents of our children’s close friends that we’re all able to reveal sometimes-difficult information about each other’s children in an attempt to make the collective whole stronger. This is why, as I’ve mentioned previously, it’s so important to have a circle of trusted parents who share similar values and goals and have similar rules. With social media ruling so many aspects of our children’s lives, it really does take a village to raise a child.

When dealing with kids, information is power. When I do feel the need to talk to other parents, I do so without any judgment. I know it could just as easily be me getting an awkward phone call from another mom or dad. In fact, next time it probably will be me as it has in the past! We always tell the kids that they can choose their actions but not the consequences of those actions.

Trust me—this works! As long as you are consistent and stick to your role as the Loving Enforcer.

Let me share one example: Just this past year, my girls were telling me that vaping (smoking with a small electric device that distributes nicotine via flavored water vapor, rather than smoke from cigarettes) was becoming a trend among teenagers at their school. I assume these kids believed that vaping would be a risk-free buzz because they weren’t actually inhaling tobacco smoke and wouldn’t get lung cancer. It isn’t—vapors are exposed to toxic chemicals, and nicotine is still a highly addictive and dangerous substance.

One of the twins also mentioned that her friend—let’s call her Stephanie—had begun vaping a few weeks before and was strategically hiding the habit from her parents.

As part of the Truth Squad, I knew that I needed to inform Stephanie’s mother of what was going on. Trust me, it was an awkward call to make, but I knew that it’s what I would have wanted if the roles had been reversed.

When I did call her, I told her what I knew in generalities. I pointed out that, since it was hearsay, it would be best to observe Stephanie’s behavior before approaching her about it. I also told her how much I appreciated her friendship and that if she found out from Stephanie that my girls were involved, too, I would like to know.

A few days later, I received a call from Stephanie’s mother thanking me for the tip. She and her husband had noticed that Stephanie ran to the shower whenever she returned home. When they tried to have a casual conversation, she dashed up to her room with some excuse, promising to talk later. They realized that, if Stephanie was vaping, showering would be a good way to hide the smell. Her behavior was odd enough for her parents to grow more concerned, and they decided to search her things. They found a vape device hidden in her car.

As I mentioned previously, the Truth Squad goes both ways. It’s easy to point out the flaws in other people’s kids, but it’s not so easy to hear it back about our own kids. We always want to believe that it isn’t our kids who are up to no good, but we have to fight the natural impulse to think that way and accept that the truth almost always lies in the middle.

When the twins were in third grade, another mother in my Truth Squad told me that her daughter said Brooklyn had slapped another girl in the face during lunch. My first reaction was to say, “Not my Brooklyn! She’s never hit anyone!” Even at that age, Brooklyn was the most motherly of all my children, so I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Nonetheless, I resisted the Mama Bear impulse, thanked the other girl’s mother, and said I would talk with Brooklyn when she got home from school.

I met the twins at the door after they’d got off the bus. By this point, Brooklyn knew that I knew what had happened, and she immediately burst into tears. Both she and Bailey began to recount the incident. The other girl had found out which boy Brooklyn liked. She teased Brooklyn for several minutes, shouting the boy’s name loud enough for everyone to hear. Brooklyn, who is very reserved, became frustrated. The girl started to taunt Brooklyn, saying that she was going to tell the boy that Brooklyn wanted to marry him, and she started up from the table and headed in the boy’s direction. Brooklyn’s frustration then boiled over, and my daughter slapped the other girl in the face.

Was it mean for the other girl to incessantly tease Brooklyn? Yes. But Brooklyn’s use of physical violence in response was much worse. It’s far easier to deflect words than a fist. Shaun and I figured out an appropriate punishment, which included apologizing to the girl, and we also had a discussion with Brooklyn about what to do in situations like this in the future.

Since we can’t physically be everywhere, the Truth Squad allows us to be more effective parents to our children as a collective whole, but only as long as it is not abused. Hopefully, your Truth Squad of trusted friends and other parents will enable you to share information that should be shared when children are breaking rules or acting out in ways that are harmful. It takes a village to help keep our kids safe.

One of the good things about the digital age is there is so much information we can share via the digital world! If you are a working mom, rely on other moms at work to share and swap information about new apps or things kids are facing. Staying current online with your digital friends can also allow parents an easy touch point to new information. I have a group of women that I reach out to sometimes with questions like “I’m experiencing […] with my child. Have any of you seen this, and if so, how did you work through it?” I also participate in an online forum for moms of autistic kids located in and near Dallas. I’ve never met any of these women in real life, but I’ve used so much information from this group. New tactics to try, the best local doctors or therapy centers for autistic kids, stores or event centers that cater to autism, or even just a listening ear for the days we need to rant to other moms who might understand what we are going through.

Phone Tracking

While the outside world might be a safer place today than it was thirty years ago, we can also use our kids’ phones to track their movements. Tracking was impossible when we were growing up, but I don’t think our parents worried as much about what we were doing after school because there was no virtual world to intrude on our real world, and we were never that far from home. Though it might sound intrusive, tracking actually allows kids the freedom to go where they like without parents being overly concerned. Part of growing up is breaking rules and having to deal with the consequences, but because Shaun and I can keep a closer eye on our kids’ movements than our parents could on our own, those consequences are guaranteed to be a little bit more manageable.

Always Be Honest About Tracking

Whenever possible, I believe you should give your kids the exact same controls on your devices that you put on theirs. I can track their phones—and they can track mine. It’s only fair, although sometimes this drives me crazy. I’ll get messages like, “Mom, you went to the movie without us?” or, “Mom, we see you at BJ’s, bring us home a pizookie.” Nevertheless, tracking me makes them feel safe, and that makes me feel safe, too.

If you do plan to make phone tracking a house rule, be up-front about it. Children deserve to know when we’re keeping an eye on them. Otherwise, we’d be spying and invading their privacy, and we’d cross the line from concerned parent to unethical authoritarian and damage our kids’ trust in us. I would think of doing this only if I suspected my kids were in trouble or doing something illegal that would endanger their lives.

As specified in the family cell phone contract, we can check each other’s texts, and text threads can never be deleted before Shaun or I see them. We don’t text anyone inappropriately, so if the kids want to read anything we write, it’s fine. (Believe me, they don’t, because my texts are so boring to them!) We all want to help each other communicate, stay in touch, and feel safe.

Tips and Tricks

• I can’t tell you how many times we’ve been able to find a misplaced cell phone just by having the tracking via “find friends” and “find iPhone” software enabled on all our phones!

• There are also apps that allow parents to track kids’ cars, some even by your car’s automobile manufacturer. These apps will show you where your teens have been, where they are currently, how fast they were driving, or even if they go outside a set driving radius you established. I don’t really use these, as I have found my phone tracking to be enough, but these are certainly options for parents who want that information.

BROOKLYN’S TEEN PERSPECTIVE ON PARENTS READING TEXTS AND TRACKING THEIR KIDS, AND TRUST (OR LACK THEREOF!)

I don’t like phone tracking; even though I’m a good kid and I know I’m never going to do anything wrong, it’s felt like my parents didn’t trust me. I also disliked that they felt that they had the right to read my messages—it gives them access to all of this information on me and I have no privacy at all. It wasn’t that I was saying anything to hide; I just didn’t like the feeling of not being trusted. Nobody likes their stuff being pried through—even if you’re only scrolling through Instagram, nobody enjoys it if someone is peering over your shoulder.

Texting is basically the only way we communicate anymore unless it’s in person. So for me, having your texts read is like the digital equivalent of having your diary read. Also that it’s random, so you never know if something private you shared was read by your parents or not. Sometimes it was like you were texting your best friend about this boy that you might have liked, and all of a sudden you walk into the kitchen and your mom is, like, ‘Oh my gosh, who’s this John kid?’ And you’ve never told her about John—she just read your messages. That’s the kind of stuff that bothers me.

I also want to know that there’s one part of my life that’s only mine. You own your ability to communicate and understand why the rules are in place, but it doesn’t mean you’re not going to chafe. Being tracked really bothered me when I was in a relationship and I felt like that was stuff that you and that person share, and even though we never did anything that I needed to hide, even texting I love you, have a good night, felt so uncomfortable when I knew someone else could be reading that. And that someone else might be thinking and reading and judging how you’re acting and what you’re saying—and especially, judging it in a way that you don’t think is fair. It’s not what you meant but they’re filtering it through their adult perception. You want to be allowed to make your own mistakes.

I appreciate Brooklyn’s opinions and openness here. She has the right to feel this way and has the right to her informed opinion. I think that some adults may even agree with her and feel that reading their teen’s texts can be an invasion of privacy.

I mean, I get it. But you wouldn’t hand the keys to your car to a fifteen-year-old without them first passing driver’s education and countless parent-in-car driving hours. A cell phone or a computer offers a huge degree of accessibility, much like a vehicle does, with dangers at times that even the most experienced users will not be able to avoid.

I think my best practices recommendation on this is to be strategic about what you’re looking at. It’s important to acknowledge the right to privacy that everyone in the family has, and to be clear about what everyone can but also can’t do. I try not to infringe upon my kids’ privacy when I don’t need to, but I do randomly spot-check things. We have done deeper dives into reading text logs only in instances where we felt that something was being hidden from us, and this has come in helpful as mentioned earlier about me taking Brooklyn’s phone away after seeing angry retaliatory texts sent to her ex after a breakup, or when we caught Rylan bullying a friend via text. We delve in only when there is irrefutable evidence that they broke the rules. I want my kids to know that I respect them and trust them until I can’t. But when I need to, I gently remind our teens that they are more than welcome to buy their own phones and set up their own cell phone plans if they want. None of the kids has ever taken us up on this offer.

The goal is that by the time our children are eighteen, when they leave home for college, they are educated and prepared to monitor and protect themselves from any potential online intrusions, just like how we prep our teens to drive a car by taking driver’s education and proving their knowledge in passing the driver’s exam. It is to help them know how to handle or avoid future pitfalls they encounter on the road.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SEXTING

One of the most important reasons for keeping tabs on your kids’ phones is due to sexting. This is when sexual images—whether real (of the person sending it) or fake (the person sending it is using someone else’s images)—are sent via text or posted on social media. I wish I could say this was an isolated phenomenon, but it isn’t. If your kids are honest about what they’ve seen, and what their “nice” friends are sending to each other, you might be shocked.

I have three pieces of advice about sexting:

1. Have open conversations with your kids! I know I’m repeating myself, but I can’t overstress this enough. Talk to your children about what sexting is. Use graphic, detailed language, not general foggy terms. Let them know that this will happen at some point. That they will feel pressure to either request or send photos that aren’t appropriate. Talk to them in detail about what it means to pass along underage pornography and the serious consequences it can bring. Use examples! When we see stories on the news about other children getting caught up in passing along pornography and getting in trouble, we talk to our kids about it. We direct-message (a great digital advantage) the articles off Facebook or Instagram right to their phones and then follow up with conversation at home about what they thought. Ask questions they can’t answer with a simple yes or no. Instead of asking, “Do you see sexting happening at school?” ask, “What are some examples you have seen at school that involve sexting?” This forces them to open up and share.

2. Start teaching correct behavior. Teach both boys and girls that it isn’t okay to request sexting photos. Teach them not to send them even in jest. There is a big need in general for parents to step up teaching correct social behavior online. We spend a lot of time teaching social behavior in real life analog moments, but forget to also talk about what that looks like online. Teach both boys and girls how to say no and to stand up for each other when they see other kids saying no.

3. Don’t overreact. I can remember one time when Bailey received an unsolicited photo from someone that revealed a man’s penis. She was young and wasn’t totally sure what the close-up picture was exactly, so she came to me and said, “Mom, what is this?” I think she suspected what it was, but was so caught off-guard she wanted to alert me immediately. I looked at it and said, “A penis and testicles.” I could tell she was horrified and it actually made the situation easier for me not to freak out over. Instead I sat down and we talked about how, yes, that’s what a man’s body parts look like, but no, she should not have received that. We talked about where it came from, how to avoid this in the future, why it’s not okay to send pictures like that, and what to do if she received them ever again. Then Shaun and I spent time figuring out why she had been able to get that picture in the first place and fixed that issue. (We reported this instance to the local FBI since Bailey was a minor at the time the image was received.)

If I had yelled at her or freaked out, it wouldn’t have helped the situation and might have made her feel even more uncomfortable and awkward. In the end we had a nice convo about a tough topic. If she had felt me tensing up, she also would have, and the lines of communication would have shut down between us. Keep your cool and they will see that these conversations aren’t strange or awkward.

BROOKLYN, ON SEXTING AND SEARCHES

No Sexting!

A couple of years ago, I liked this boy and we were talking, and his friend sent me a picture of my crush naked but they’d put emojis over his private parts. They thought it was hilarious but I was horrified! I freaked out and handed the phone to my mom. If he’d sent that photo to somebody else who thought it was funny and then they sent it to somebody else… it could have ended up all over the Internet. Kids have even been arrested for forwarding along naked photos of other teens. Don’t do it!

Searches Can Lead You…

When I was in fourth grade, I had to do a school project and needed a photo of a family holding hands. I went to Google images and typed that in the search bar, and the first three links that popped up were horrible. It was my first experience with something like that, and I slammed my computer shut, and I was, like, oh my gosh, what did I just see? You can’t un-see it. That’s when I realized that something as simple as a search on a completely innocent topic can lead to a problem. There’s no way of knowing what’s out there, so we must always be careful.

DISCERNING WHAT IS FAKE OR NOT IN THE DIGITAL WORLD

Social media has made it so easy to fake it!

There’s perception (aka Pinterest), and there’s reality (an unfiltered photo of what your family really looks like, before or after that seemingly perfect shot—you know, when someone was crying, someone was yelling, and someone was sulking!). We call it the Pinterest Phenomenon. You’ve gone through it every time a friend or stranger posts something amazing, and you think, Wow, that mom sure has it going on! What’s her secret? How come her birthday cake has three gorgeous layers and perfectly piped icing flowers when my sheet cake came from a mix and got a little burnt around the edges? But, of course, you don’t know what that mom had to do to get that fabulous shot. Maybe she took a cupcake decorating class, or maybe—just maybe!—she bought that cake at a bakery and passed it off as her own because she had a really bad day at work and didn’t have time to make one. Even further out there, maybe she has a maid, a nanny, or a cook, who did all the work and she simply showed up to take the photo.

It’s not just the images that are fake, of course. It’s seeing what your friends post and how their life looks so wonderful, and then you feel like you’re doing something wrong because you can’t keep up or things are particularly tough at the moment. Screaming kids, messy house, forgotten carpools—you know what I mean. But the truth is that you can’t ever know what the backstory is with those Internet Wonder Women unless you witness it yourself or they tell you personally.

With the Pinterest Phenomenon, it is important to understand that you are only seeing a tiny sliver of what likely took place due to a highly edited, wonderfully staged, perfectly lit photo or video. You aren’t easily able to see that person’s similar life struggles in the moments right before, or after, that person took the photo or video. The lesson here is not to take what you see online at face value.

The saying I grew up with is: The grass is greener where you water it. In other words, where you put your time and energy leads to whatever is going to grow and develop. If you’re always thinking about how other people’s grass is greener, or more perfectly manicured, or the size of their lawn is bigger than yours… your own grass is going to die.

So don’t fall for the fake and don’t fall into the comparison trap. Water your own grass, and your lawn will thrive!

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF SOMETHING IS FAKE?

How can you tell if what you’re seeing is scripted or real? Do you remember when America’s Funniest Home Videos first went on the air? The videos were adorable, and hilarious, and totally real. Once viewers realized how much prize money they could win, however, the videos went from cute and unpredictable to staged, phony, and not so funny anymore.

This has morphed into the “It’s Gotta Go Viral” phenomenon. Some viral videos are incredibly hilarious or heartwarming, and totally unscripted. Others are so fake and predictable that you have to wonder why you wasted any time watching them!

More important, our kids are amazingly adept at Photoshopping their selfies, and their friends are, too. Talking about this over and over again with your kids is necessary in the digital world. You have to emphasize many times and in multiple ways that what they see online isn’t real life.

In general, I tell my kids to assume anything that comes out of TV or a magazine is edited. Clearly the photographs or TV footage are edited and morphed for maximum appeal. Online it can be harder to identify. Sometimes you can spot a distorted line or weird pixilation, but apps are so advanced now that you can literally edit almost every photo you post in a matter of minutes if you want to.

A good rule of thumb is that if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. I try to teach my kids to be content posting images that are authentic and real, but I also know that occasionally I get a nice shot of myself that I also clean up a little by removing a bad zit or lightening a little under my tired mom eyes. I don’t think it’s a big problem as long as my kids aren’t obsessing over every photo and image of themselves. Yet again, conversation is key. Constantly reaffirming your love for them no matter what they look like and constantly reminding them that photos can be faked are musts.

For example, I had an Instagram friend who took a picture of a beautiful stack of pancakes that would make any foodie drool. A few hours later, she posted the zoomed-out original of the same picture that included the same yummy pancakes sitting on the table, but also included her in her pajamas with splotches of pancake batter all over them, a disaster in the kitchen, and a crying baby screaming while dumping food on the floor. All of us can take events in our lives, zoom them in, add a filter, crop, or Photoshop the image to make it look like a picture-perfect moment, when in reality it wasn’t. Kids need to learn this at a young age so they can decipher what’s fiction and reality, and learn not to feel competitive with the imaginary world they are seeing online. That goes for fake friends, too, as Bailey explains in the sidebar here.

BAILEY, ON “FAKE FRIENDS”

Brooklyn and I are pretty good at figuring out who’s a fake friend, and we can usually sniff those people out fairly fast. You learn how to recognize certain characteristics—you know your genuine friends are interested in how you are doing, and what you are up to, but they don’t incessantly ask about it all the time. They just get excited when you tell them any details, and then they support you in everything that you do. They show up to your concerts and performances. But they’re not asking, “Hey, can we take a picture together and tag me in it, okay?” so they can gain more followers. They aren’t only acting interested in your life when they suddenly need something from you, or a social push. We’ve had students in our school who feel they are too good to hang out with us, until their thirteen-year-old cousin hears that they go to school with us. The next day, they act like our best friend as they ask for an autograph or quick video saying hi for their cousin. We don’t mind doing that at all, but it sure shows who your real friends are. There’s just a way that people go about their conversations with you that makes it obvious whether or not what you do professionally online is all they care about.

PAY ATTENTION TO CATFISHING

Shaun: “Another word to add to your digital vocabulary is ‘catfishing.’ This is when someone creates a fake profile online in order to hide his or her true identity and trick people, for whatever reason. We had a scary experience with what we thought was someone trying to catfish Kamri, and it’s worth sharing this as a cautionary tale.

“Kamri has a large social media following of her own, and recently another teen influencer who’s very well known followed Kamri on one of her social media accounts. (I’ll call the other teen Lisa, which isn’t her real name.) They’re about the same age, and communicated via direct messenger, and then Lisa said, ‘Hey, follow me over on my personal Snapchat,’ which Kamri was eager to do. They talked back and forth for several months, and developed a nice friendship.

“Mindy and I were a bit skeptical when they first became friends. We knew it looked like the real Lisa was sending all these messages, but it could easily have been an imposter. Although we’re influencers and we have quite a wide reach, there was still a pretty big lack of parity between Lisa and my daughter; Lisa had a lot more influence in the industry and Hollywood. So when Lisa asked Kamri how to use a PayPal account, Kamri started to get worried. She came to us for advice, and I told Kamri what to ask; Lisa explained that when the account was set up, she apparently got locked out, and now in order to get logged back in, she needed her bank account and routing numbers. She claimed her parents didn’t know how to use her PayPal account, so she just needed to know how to access it so she could donate to a charity and was thus asking Kamri questions.

“At this point, my radar was on red alert. I was thinking there’s still a chance that this is really Lisa and really her large Instagram account. She had already DM’d Kamri from there to send her to her private Snapchat account, but now the conversation was going into an area that sounded really fishy. Why would someone of her caliber, who would have managers, agents, parents, and all these people involved in running the business side of her career, need help with her PayPal account from my daughter? I told Kamri I thought this could be a catfishing situation, and that the real Lisa might have been hacked, or was an imposter all along. (Sometimes, catfishers pretend to be a real celebrity or influencer by changing one letter of that person’s name, such as a small l to a capital I—something you should always be aware of.)

“Kamri, of course, had been having a relationship online with Lisa for several months at this point, felt like she trusted her, and wanted to help her. I was worried that if this was a catfisher, that Kamri might inadvertently give private info in the process and would wake up to find her own bank account drained. So I told her, ‘Well, why don’t you go back on that original social media platform and direct-message Lisa and screenshot the messages you’d received about PayPal, and ask is this really you or is somebody pretending to be you?’

“Fortunately, in the Instagram platform, Lisa wrote back and said, ‘Yes, it’s me.’ Kamri then told her what my red flags were, and that if she had a question, to talk to her dad, and if not, she could call me and I would be happy to walk her through it. Through that process we figured out that Lisa had her own PayPal account because her managers and parents were smart enough not to give her access to other types of bank accounts. She often made money on Live.ly, which was a sister platform to Musical.ly, where you could make money from people sending you gifts (basically points). You could convert those points to PayPal dollars through your Live.ly account, and Lisa wanted to donate hers to a dog shelter, Paws. She was genuinely asking Kamri for help. It was such a relief, and when Kamri explained why I was so worried, Lisa was deeply apologetic, and grateful that we were trying to protect her. We all know how much hacking is going on. And even though I didn’t know Lisa personally, I’m a parent and I would want to treat her the way I would my own daughter.

“This was an excellent lesson not just for Kamri (and Lisa) about how skeptical they need to be about the trolls, bots, hackers, catfishers, and scam artists lurking online. And it was extremely gratifying that Kamri came to me right away for help. All our kids have seen us manage our social media presence, with all the good and bad that comes with it, and Kamri’s initial reaction was, ‘I’m not sure how to help; I’d better ask my dad.’

“For all situations where kids aren’t sure what to do, especially if they’re being catfished, having the default response be ‘I’m not sure how to help; I need to speak to my parents’ is the way to go. It’s not so much about the particular situation, but about teaching your children how to judge situations and when to go to an adult when they realize it’s something they can’t (or shouldn’t) manage on their own.”

CAR SAFETY

Although driving isn’t digital (yet!), one of the biggest worries we have is when drivers spend more time looking at their phones than at the road. Texting while driving causes crashes, especially with teenagers who are addicted to their phones. So in the interest of covering all the bases regarding digital safety, I think it’s important to have a conversation about driving.

Good driving is one of the most important skills your teens can have, and with all the distractions of cell phones now—which didn’t exist when Shaun and I were learning to drive—it’s more crucial than ever to spell out expectations to ensure not only that the rules of the road are followed but that your kids stay safe. Cars are a necessity in communities without public transportation, and taking away driving privileges can be as devastating (and problematic) as taking away cell phones. When your kids know that these rules will be strictly enforced, it’s easier for them to have their friends behave responsibly when driving or as passengers, too.

Also, each point in the contract is meant to open up a bigger convo between kids and parents so they can discuss their feelings in person. This is especially important when you’re discussing drinking and driving.

THE MCKNIGHT FAMILY CAR CONTRACT

The following contract between and seeks to establish family rules and consequences regarding car usage.

CHILD REQUIREMENTS

I agree that I will always wear my seat belt when I am in any motorized vehicle. I agree that I will always insist that any passengers will also wear their seat belts.

I agree to ride only in vehicles with the same number of seat belts as passengers. I further agree that I will not transport more people than my car has seat belts.

I agree to abide by any state laws regarding my age and driving. (Example: If the state mandates that I have only one passenger from ages sixteen to eighteen, I will abide by that rule.)

I will not text or talk on my cell phone while driving. If a call is urgent, I will pull over and then talk.

I acknowledge that my parents can install apps that prevent my phone from working or texting while I am driving.

I understand that my parents can use apps or other tracking software to track my car, my driving, and my phone.

I will always have my driver’s license and insurance in the car while I am driving. I will ensure that both are current and not expired.

I agree to maintain active car insurance that fits any requirements by my car loan and protects me, my family, and any other drivers adequately.

I will regularly check my oil, change wiper blades, and maintain proper tire pressure. I will work with my parents to quickly resolve any car maintenance issues that might pop up.

I will ensure that my car stays clean and regularly remove items that don’t belong, trash, or other junk. I will vacuum my car once a quarter. I will keep air fresheners in the car to ensure that it has a nice smell.

I will not smoke, vape, or carry/do drugs in my car. I will not allow others to do this either.

I will never give my friends permission to drive my vehicle without my parents’ approval.

I will obey all road rules and signs. I will not drive in a reckless manner. I will not speed.

I will not pick up strangers or give rides to friends of friends that I don’t know.

I will be aware of where I am parking and my safety when walking to my car at night. I will ask for someone to walk me to my car if I feel unsafe.

I will not drink and drive. I will always call a parent, a friend, or a ride service.

I will not ride in a vehicle with others that are intoxicated.

I will always call for a ride even if I get in trouble for being exposed to substances.

I will not park in tiny spaces where it is likely my car will get door dings. Rather, I will park farther out and walk a little more. Exercise is good for me.

If I am in an accident, I will immediately call police and parents. I will not leave the scene of the accident!

I will take photos of both cars if in an accident, including the license plate of the other car. I will ask for insurance info from the other driver. I will provide my insurance to them in the form of my name (first only), my parents’ names, my parents’ cell numbers, and my insurance company and policy number. This will be written on a separate piece of paper. I will not allow them to take a picture of my insurance card, as it has my personal address on it.

I will ensure that my gas tank is at least a quarter full at all times. A quarter tank is the new empty.

I will do a lap around my car before getting into it to ensure that it is in a safe condition to drive—checking tires, looking for fluid leaks, etc.

I will always keep a safety kit inside my car—first aid kit and spare tire, jumper cables, air pump, etc.

I will keep my keys in a safe place at all times to avoid getting them lost or stolen. I will keep a spare set of keys in my home with my parents.

I will keep my music at a safe volume so that I can hear warning sounds, like sirens and honking, etc.

I will not use my vehicle to drive to places that I did not disclose to my parents.

I will follow all safety protocols such as using turn signals, obeying street signs, etc.

I will never be negative or talk back to a police officer, should I ever be pulled over. I will provide all requested information expeditiously, and in a kind manner.

PARENT RESPONSIBILITIES

I will provide a working, reliable vehicle for my child.

I will teach by example and follow the above rules myself.

I will not overreact if my child makes honest mistakes, but rather use them as teaching opportunities.

I will teach my child how to maintain their car and how to handle emergency situations like flat tires, an empty gas tank, etc.

(Child’s Signature)	(Date)
(Parent’s Signature)	(Date)
(Parent’s Signature)	(Date)