A wintry sun was poking yellow fingers through the curtains when Stella woke up. She rolled over and looked at her watch. Nine o’clock!
Alice. She grabbed her phone and called the hospital. No change.
In ten minutes she was washed and dressed and down in the kitchen.
‘I should have got up earlier,’ she said to Bette. ‘I never thought I’d sleep so long.’
‘Dad thought you should be left. He sends his love; he had a dentist’s appointment this morning,’ Bette said. ‘You needed that rest.’
‘Maybe I did,’ Stella admitted. She updated Bette on Alice.
‘I hope there’ll be better news this afternoon,’ Bette said sympathetically. ‘Now, bacon, cereal, toast?’
‘Toast would be lovely, thanks.’ Stella wandered over to look out of the window. If you stood at a certain angle you could see the pantiled roof and high chimneys of Alice’s house on the other side of the field. The hills above it were dusted with snow.
‘Do you know when the next bus leaves?’ she asked Bette. ‘Oh, or what about the train?’
‘I could run you to the station – it doesn’t stop in Melrose. The end of the line is in Tweedbank. The bus is every half hour.’
‘I don’t want to put you to any trouble,’ Stella said. ‘I’ll get the bus after I’ve seen Lilias.’
‘Or …’ Bette put toast, butter and marmalade on the table, her actions rather flustered. ‘Well, Stella, the thing is, Ross has to go up to town today – the cash-and-carry. He could give you a lift. I know …’ She raised a hand as if to ward off Stella’s protests. ‘I know it will be difficult. But you’re going to bump into each other sooner or later.’
‘Did he suggest it?’ Stella sat down at the table, feeling as if her legs wouldn’t hold her up.
‘No. He doesn’t know what your plans are. But I can ring him, catch him before he leaves.’
‘Please don’t, Bette. I know you’re right. We’ll have to see each other sometime but not today. I can’t think of anything but Alice. I’ll get the bus.’
Bette nodded. She turned away to pour tea for Stella. As she handed her the mug she said, ‘It’s brilliant having the train line back. It means folk can commute up to Edinburgh to work now. And it’s a lovely journey. You must try it sometime.’
Although the two places weren’t so very far apart commuting had never really been possible because the road sometimes became impassable during the winter. Stella seized gratefully on the change of subject as she ate her breakfast. ‘It must be a godsend – I’m surprised Gray didn’t get up to Edinburgh that way yesterday because I know he hates … oh, he took the car so he could pick me up, didn’t he?’
Bette’s face gave her away. ‘And he was very happy to do it, my dear. But yes, he’s thrilled he has that choice now.’
‘He’s a hero,’ Stella said. She refused Bette’s offer of more tea and went upstairs to get ready.
‘Is that all the luggage you have?’ Bette asked when she came down.
‘It’s all I have here, but I left a suitcase at Maddie’s. But,’ she said, with sudden realisation, ‘sorry, I didn’t think. Bette, do you have a bag I could borrow, please? I have to pick up a nightie and things for Alice. And I thought I’d get a photograph in a frame and books to put on her table in the hospital so she’ll see them when she wakes up. I won’t have room for all that.’
‘What a good idea, clever girl,’ Bette said. She went to a cupboard and produced a tartan holdall. ‘Now, you’ll phone us with news – of Alice or of Maddie?’
‘I will,’ promised Stella.
She stepped forward and then stopped, wondering if Bette would want to be embraced. She held out her hand instead and Bette clasped it in both of hers.
‘We’ll speak soon, Stella. What do you think you’ll do about Christmas? You can’t spend it on your own in Edinburgh.’
‘I’ve no idea. I hadn’t thought about it.’ And I’m not going to think about it now. ‘Give my love to Gray, Bette. I’ll be in touch.’
When they were children, Stella and Maddie and Ross never visited each other by using the road between the two houses. They ran diagonally across the field at the back and jumped the stepping stones in the burn below Hill View, slipping off them and getting their feet soaked as often as not. But grown-up Stella walked along Priorsford Road and round the corner into Eildon Street.
She would have about fifteen minutes with Lilias and then she could catch the 10.40 bus. It wasn’t very long but surely Lilias would understand that she had to be in Edinburgh.
There was smoke rising now from one of the chimneys so Lilias was evidently up and about and capable of lighting that old range in the kitchen. Alice loved it but the intricate arrangement of dampers and flues confounded most other people.
The window frames could do with repainting, as could the garden gate. And some of the distinctive terracotta-coloured tiles were missing, she noticed. How long had it been since that happened and how much would they cost to replace?
She hesitated at the door. Ordinarily of course she would just walk in but that would give Lilias a fright and besides it didn’t feel like it was home without Alice. She compromised by knocking loudly, opening the door and calling, ‘Hello. Lilias? It’s Stella.’
A wispy little figure wearing an old wool dress and cardigan appeared at the end of the corridor.
Behind her came a tall, dark-haired man in jeans and a blue shirt, ducking as he came through the kitchen door.
Ross.
Stella took a step backwards. If only she could keep walking backwards, rewinding herself back to Edinburgh, back to London.
‘Come in, Stella. Do come in. Poor dear Alice. I’ll never forgive myself. If only I hadn’t given her the painting …’ Lilias reached Stella and took hold of one of her hands, tugging it gently but insistently. ‘Gray’s grandson is here. He got that dreadful range going for me. Ross, this is Stella, Alice’s granddaughter.’
‘Yes, I know.’
Stella lifted her head to meet his eyes. The same deep blue eyes she’d seen in the photograph at Gray’s, but today they were as cold as a winter sky. She felt a chill run through her.
‘If there’s nothing else, Lilias?’ Ross tried to get past them.
‘Oh, but you must both have a cup of my special herbal tea. I insist. You’ve worked so hard for me this morning, Ross dear, and Stella dear, we must talk.’
She pulled Stella down the narrow corridor towards the kitchen and Ross had no choice but to retreat in front of them.
‘Of course you’ll know each other, childhood friends, how silly of me.’ Lilias ushered them to the table. ‘You must have a lot to catch up on.’ She stood beside Stella and clasped her hands. ‘Have you seen Alice? Did she speak? Will she live?’
‘Of course she’ll live,’ Stella said sharply. The alternative was not to be contemplated. She softened her tone, seeing how miserable Lilias looked. ‘She’s still unconscious, Lilias, but she’s doing as well as can be expected.’ Not that the nurses had actually said that but it was a soothing thing for Lilias to hear. It soothed herself a little too. ‘I’ll visit her this afternoon and of course if she’s come round I’ll tell her I was here.’
Like a plant being watered, Lilias visibly cheered up. She took a brown teapot over to the sink and rinsed it under the tap several times, like some sort of ritual.
Stella and Ross sat like statues, one on either side of the table, while their hostess went on to mix together leaves from various packets, all the time making inconsequential remarks. Stella was glad of the fuss and bustle she made, hoping that it disguised the lack of conversation between her guests.
She sneaked a look at Ross’s hands, remembering them holding her, touching her. They’d been one of the things she loved best about him. Strong, capable hands. Some dark hair showing beneath his shirt cuffs. Yes. They were still the same. She looked away.
Lilias felt the kettle on the range. ‘Not boiling yet. Alice’s dear old whistling kettle. I’ll get some biscuits.’ She disappeared into the deep cupboard Alice called ‘the pantry’.
‘Not for me, thanks, Lilias,’ Stella called. Meaning, come back, don’t leave me alone with Ross. ‘I’ve just had breakfast at Bette’s.’
Lilias continued to rattle tins.
Ross didn’t look at Stella’s face but at some point behind her as he said, ‘I was sorry to hear about Alice. You saw her yesterday?’
‘Yes. The doctors let me sit with her for a little while.’ Stella kept her eyes on a patch of wall above Ross’s head.
He nodded, picking at what looked like a streak of paint on the kitchen table.
‘Oh Stella.’ Lilias was back, clutching a plate of rather ancient-looking shortbread. ‘I’m so worried. Whatever shall I do?’
‘There’s nothing we can do. Alice is in the best place and—’
‘I know she is. I know the doctors and nurses will look after her. But what shall I do? It’s such a responsibility looking after the house all by myself. I’m not sure …’
Instinctively, Stella looked across the table at Ross. Their eyes met for a moment and then flickered away.
Really, Lilias was hopeless, Stella thought. The kettle was now whistling away madly. She made no move towards it but stood drooping at the table. Stella tried to remember what she knew of her but there had been so many people in need given shelter under this roof, all with their own stories and Stella couldn’t remember which was Lilias’s. Was she getting away from the unpleasant husband or the domineering sister? Or was it something else that had brought her to Alice’s attention?
Stella guessed her to be about the same age as Alice. What would it be like to be elderly, relying on someone’s charity, feeling bolstered up by them, and then having them taken away? She felt a wave of pity.
‘Lilias, you sit down. I’ll get the kettle.’ Stella headed for the range. ‘Oooh, here’s Patch.’
Down the corridor came Alice’s faithful old collie. His eyes were filmy but when he heard her voice his tail whirled round like a windmill. Stella got down on her knees and hugged him, burying her face in his shaggy black coat. For a moment everything felt all right, normal.
She stood up, her hand on the dog’s neck.
Ross was pouring water into the teapot and there were now three cups on the table.
‘Sorry, I was going to do that.’ Stella started a smile and then put it away again. She let go of Patch but he stayed by her side as she went to sit back at the table, and lay down, his head on her left foot.
Lilias was standing in exactly the same pose.
Stella took a deep breath. She had to handle this well. She had to convince Lilias to cope for all their sakes.
‘Alice is so fond of you,’ she began. ‘If she could speak she would say how thankful she was that you’re here, holding the fort until she’s better.’ Her own words almost made her laugh. Anyone looking less likely to be holding a fort she couldn’t imagine. ‘Keeping the house warm. Looking after Patch and the hens.’
‘Oh, yes, the dear little hens. And Patch is such a comfort. I’m afraid I let him sleep on my bed. Do you think Alice will mind?’
‘Of course not,’ said Stella, crossing her fingers under the table. In fact that was something that her usually easy-going grandmother had never allowed her and Maddie to do. ‘Thank you,’ she said to Ross, as he poured out the tea and handed her a cup.
‘I think you’re doing really well, Lilias,’ she went on. ‘I hope you won’t be on your own here for very much longer. I can’t come and stay yet, I’m afraid – of course I must be near Alice.’ She took a sip of her tea. Yeuch! What on earth was in it? She looked up and saw Ross grimacing too.
Lilias gave a watery smile. ‘Of course. I do understand. I’ll do my very best for dear Alice. And the next time you come down I’ll make you one of my special comfrey puddings.’
‘So you’ll be all right?’
‘Oh, yes of course. Don’t worry.’ Lilias sounded now as if she were the one who was reassuring Stella. She picked up a piece of shortbread. ‘And if this dear boy is able to light that range every morning …’
‘I think I’m getting the hang of it,’ Ross said to Lilias, grinning. ‘I’ll be over earlier tomorrow. It’s pretty cold in here without it.’
He put his cup down and turned to Stella, his smile fading and his tone merely polite, as if speaking to a stranger. ‘I’m on my way to Edinburgh. Do you need a lift?’
Stella lifted her chin. Did he really think she’d say yes? ‘I planned to get the bus.’
Ross looked at his watch. ‘You’ve just missed one.’
‘I’ll get the next one.’ Anyway she hadn’t yet collected the things she wanted to take in for Alice. ‘They’re every half hour, aren’t they?’
He shrugged and made to go but Lilias suddenly remembered that the bathroom window was wedged open and would dear Ross …
‘I’m so sorry.’ As Ross left the room Lilias scuttled over to Stella, lowering her voice to a whisper. ‘I’m afraid my memory is very unreliable, Stella dear. I remember now. You used to be Ross’s girlfriend and now you’re not.’
‘No, I’m not.’ Stella hoped her tone would discourage any conversation on the subject.
Lilias didn’t take the hint. ‘He’s such a nice young man.’
‘Isn’t he.’
‘Your granny was so upset when you quarrelled,’ Lilias ploughed on. ‘But now perhaps you’ll make it up again. Wouldn’t that be wonderful news for Alice?’
‘It won’t be happening, I’m afraid.’ Stella eased her foot from under a softly snoring Patch. ‘Lilias, has Maddie phoned? Did you tell her about Alice’s fall?’
Lilias moved away and stood with her back to Stella. ‘No, dear. I haven’t spoken to Maddie. She’s in—’
‘Australia. Yes, I know. When she calls I think it would be best if you only mention the broken ankle. Don’t say anything about Alice’s head.’
‘I won’t, Stella, I promise, I won’t say a word,’ Lilias said, like an obedient child.
Stella wondered briefly if she should ask Lilias if she knew why Maddie had gone, but as she didn’t have much hope that she would get a sensible response she decided against it. Beside, she had to get on her way without any more delays. ‘I’m going upstairs for a photo from Alice’s bedroom,’ she told Lilias. ‘There’s one she keeps in a frame on her dressing table. I thought it would be nice for her to have something of her own in with her.’
She didn’t linger in Alice’s room. It seemed intrusive to be there for one thing, and upsetting. The smells in it were evocative – the cedar-wood trunk Alice kept bed linen in, and the heavy perfume she wore on special occasions, almost conjured up her physical presence. Stella rummaged quickly for a couple of nighties in the chest of drawers – what a conglomeration of stuff there was in the top drawer – and a cardigan to act as a bed jacket, picked up a pair of slippers and a hairbrush, seized the photograph and ran downstairs, afraid of meeting Ross on the landing.
Near the foot of the stairs she came to a stop, arrested by the sight of a painting she’d never seen before. This must be the one that was inadvertently the cause of Alice’s fall.
In an abstract style of predominantly glowing yellows and vibrant greens, it showed, unmistakably, Hill View on an evening in early summer.
She walked down slowly towards the painting, not taking her eyes off it. The house disappeared into the thick, confident brush strokes. Who would have thought Lilias capable of this? She felt rather shaken. If she’d thought about the painting at all after first hearing about it, she would have imagined a rather amateur watercolour. Not this mesmerising oil that drew her right into the heart of itself.
She took a few steps back and Hill View emerged again. How wonderful it would be to have this in her room in London.
She pulled her eyes away, went into the sitting room and quickly scanned the bookshelves by the fireplace, remembering their granny reading aloud to Maddie and herself, Alice in the wing chair, the girls on the fireside rug with a dog or a cat sharing the warmth. She picked out two books that Alice particularly loved which had become favourites of theirs too. Glancing inside one she saw that she had written her name in block capitals and, underneath, Hill View, Eildon Street, Melrose, the Borders, Scotland, Great Britain, Europe, the Earth, the Universe.
She was so sure then of her place in the great scheme of things.
Lilias came into the hall as Stella packed the books and photo into her bag and filled Bette’s holdall with the clothes.
‘I think your painting’s amazing,’ Stella said, indicating it. If she were Alice or Maddie she would discuss the technicalities of it but she didn’t know how to do that. She only knew that she felt its power and found it hard to connect with the little woman ineffectually dusting a table crammed with nick-nacks, but of course she could hardly say that to Lilias.
‘Ross put it up for me,’ Lilias said, as he came downstairs. ‘It’s so heavy. He said we should never have tried to do it ourselves.’
Stella ignored Ross’s presence and picked up her bags. ‘Well, I think it’s wonderful. And let’s hope Alice will be home to see it very soon.’ She had to put one bag down again to put an arm around the older woman and give her a hug.
‘Oh Stella, dear, wait a moment. I have something for Alice, for you to take to her. It’s some of my fruit cake, she’s so fond of it.’
Lilias darted through to the kitchen and came back with a large square tin with a picture of Edinburgh Castle on the lid. For goodness’ sake! Stella bit her tongue, knelt down and tried without success to fit the tin into the tartan holdall.
‘Is all this yours?’ Ross indicated the two bags, her handbag, and the tin. ‘Don’t you think it would be easier if you came in the car?’
Stella rose from the floor, feeling foolish and at a disadvantage.
‘All right,’ she said ungraciously, not wanting to argue the matter in front of Lilias.
Ross lifted the holdall, said goodbye to Lilias, and strode off down the corridor.
I’ll grab the holdall once we’re outside, Stella thought. I don’t care how long I have to wait at the bus stop. But by the time she caught up with Ross he’d put the bag in the back of his car, left the passenger door open and got into the driver’s seat.
Coming up the street she could see several neighbours, people who would exclaim over her appearance in the town after a long absence, people who would want to ask after her granny, people she would not want to witness a scene outside Alice’s house.
She climbed into the car and pulled the door shut with a bang.
Ross turned the key in the ignition and put the car into gear. His right-hand knuckles looked white as he clenched his fingers round the steering wheel. If anyone had told him this morning that he’d be this close to Stella Greenlaw, having volunteered to sit beside her for an hour and a half, he’d have said, no way. No way. In fact that was, more or less, what he’d said to his mother when she’d phoned him last night after Stella had gone to bed, ostensibly to ask him how the tasting went but really, he knew, to let him know Stella’s plans for the next day. She never said, you could give her a lift back to Edinburgh, but the words somehow conveyed themselves down the line. Eventually, given his lack of response on the subject, she’d stopped talking about Stella and asked for all the details on his successful evening.
But this morning he’d been delayed by the man turning up with the pheasants and the turkeys – otherwise he’d have seen Lilias earlier and been away from Hill View before Stella arrived.
His offer of a lift had been made out of mere politeness, of going through the motions, and he didn’t expect her to accept, but when he saw her kneel on the floor to wrestle with that ridiculous Edinburgh Castle tin his conscience smote him and he’d renewed the offer before he could stop himself.
Fate was conspiring against him. But he tried to tell himself that it wasn’t a big deal. He was only giving her a lift.
He’d looked at her left hand when they were sitting at the table in Alice’s kitchen. No ring. But that didn’t mean there was nobody in her life. Some smooth-talking London whizz kid. Someone she looked at the way she used to look at him, a glint of mischief in her green eyes.
Her hair was caught up in a clasp at the back of her head. Beneath her jacket she was wearing a smart dress in a sort of caramel colour, looking good enough to eat, and high-heeled shoes, dressed formally as if for a business meeting. No doubt she wished herself anywhere other than here, in his car. No doubt she wished she were back in London, in her new life. Then he remembered the reason she was here and how much Alice meant to her.
He pulled himself together to speak. ‘Where do you want to go?’
She turned her head slightly towards him. ‘Where are you going? Were you planning to go through town?’
‘No, but it’s not a problem. If you want to go Maddie’s flat I’ll take you there, or I could drop you off at the hospital.’ The hospital was on the outskirts, on this side of the city, which would suit him perfectly.
‘The hospital would be great. It won’t be visiting time but I hope they’ll let me sit with her anyway – she’s in a room on her own.’ She turned slightly away, hunching in her seat, leaning away from him.
Okay. If that’s the way she wanted to play it – minimum physical and verbal communication – that was absolutely fine with him. What he wanted too. He drove through the town and out into the countryside.
An oncoming driver flashed his lights. Ross’s best friend, Gavin Armstrong. Ross acknowledged him with a raise of his hand.
‘That was Gav, wasn’t it?’ Stella lowered her hand and Ross realised that she too had seen their old schoolmate and automatically given the country greeting. Now she looked as if she regretted speaking, but after a moment she asked, ‘What’s he up to these days?’
‘In partnership in the garage with his dad. And he and Carol have had a baby.’
‘I heard from Maddie that she was expecting. I didn’t know it had arrived.’
‘Well, how could you know? You haven’t been here.’ Now why had he said that, and in that tone of voice? Better to pretend that they were merely old acquaintances without much to say to each other. And much better not to remember Gav and Carol’s wedding dance and walking Stella home under the stars afterwards. So sure that they were happy together …
Stella flinched but he couldn’t bring himself to apologise.
He expected her to look away again but she asked, ‘Boy or girl?’
‘Can’t remember. One or the other, I expect.’ He grinned at her without meaning to, and looked away quickly.
‘Ross.’ Stella cleared her throat. ‘I know this is difficult. I know you’d rather I wasn’t here, in the car I mean. But as I am can you please tell me what on earth is going on with Maddie? You took her to the airport?’
This was safer ground. ‘Yes. Alice asked if I would. See that she got off in one piece. You know what your wee sister’s like. Quite likely to turn up a day late or join the wrong queue for departures. Like that time she—’
But Stella was not to be deflected. ‘And she was going to Sydney, Bette said?’
‘Sydney,’ Ross confirmed briefly. Why had he started chatting away about Maddie like he would have done before? Reminding them both about how much their lives had been entwined for so long.
‘But why?’
Ross checked the rear-view mirror before slowing down. How much should he tell her? And how much did he know for sure anyway? Maddie had spilled it all out but he’d been concentrating on getting through the late afternoon traffic on the way to the airport, plus it sounded as if she didn’t understand it properly herself. And there was Skye in the back seat, excited on Maddie’s behalf, the two of them chattering away like birds on a wire.
‘Mum and Grandpa know, I think, but they say it’s up to Alice to tell you,’ he said. ‘There was some family fall-out years ago or something. I know that’s not much help but Alice will be the best person to ask.’
He risked a glance at her. She was hanging on his words, the previous flinty expression in her eyes gone. He had a mad urge to stop the car and take her in his arms.
A toot from behind made him accelerate.
‘A family fall-out?’
‘I thought it was crazy,’ he said, ‘Maddie going, not you. But Maddie said of course you were so busy at work and anyway you don’t like flying and Alice would phone you after she left and it would all be a lovely surprise for you. But then, I suppose, Alice must have had her accident before she could do that.’
‘A lovely surprise?’ Stella echoed.
‘I remember she said it was something to do with Alice’s family. Not the Greenlaws, but Alice’s own family.’
‘But she doesn’t have any. I remember an old aunt on our grandfather’s side but nobody on Alice’s. This gets odder and odder.’
‘I don’t think there’s much else I can tell you.’ He thought of something, not that it would answer any of her questions though. ‘We didn’t just drop her off, of course. We went into the terminal building with her, as far as we could go. She should definitely have got on that plane.’
‘Right.’ She slumped in her seat, staring ahead.
To fill the silence, Ross turned on the radio. The news was ending with a financial bulletin.
He turned the dial to find the country music programme. No! That wasn’t a good idea. The two of them used to love to sing along in the car to cheesy ballads, adapting the words to being about themselves or their friends, but joint rewriting of lyrics was hardly a way they could pass the time today. He smiled grimly to himself at the thought. Dolly Parton, eat your heart out.
‘What was that? Did you hear it? About InsideOut?’ Stella was sitting bolt upright.
‘What do you mean? On the news?’
She leaned forward to turn the dial back. Their hands collided briefly before she moved hers away as if she’d been stung. ‘Can we try and get another news programme?’
‘Stella, what on earth is it?’ he asked, aware that he was using her name for the first time today. At least he hadn’t come out with ‘Star’, his own special name for her.
‘I don’t know. I just heard “InsideOut”.’
‘What about them?’
‘It’s the job I’m working on at the moment.’ She pushed her hands through her hair. ‘Nothing’s supposed to have been announced yet. Something must have gone wrong.’
Ross scanned the road ahead and then crossed over, turned into a driveway and switched off the engine. ‘Not necessarily. Calm down.’
She put her head in her hands. ‘How can I calm down?’ Her voice sounded as if it were coming through clenched teeth. ‘Something must have gone wrong with the deal. I should be there. But how can I go back now? I must be with Alice.’
Ross was quiet, hoping she would interpret the silence as a sympathetic one, but his mind was blank. What could she do? No one could be in two places at once. ‘Is there anyone you can call?’ he asked eventually. ‘In your office?’
She fumbled in her bag for her mobile. ‘I’ll try Pete’s direct line,’ she said. ‘He’s my boss.’ She scrolled down the contact list, hit the green button and put the phone to her ear. ‘It’s gone to voicemail. I’ll try … I’ll try Nathan. He’s taken the deal over from me for now.’
And does he mean anything else to you? Ross wanted to ask. There had been a slight change of tone in her voice and her face had flushed when she’d said his name. Nathan. Stella and Nathan. Well, he’d have to get used to it. If it weren’t this Nathan guy it would be someone else. He couldn’t expect that she’d be short of male company – and it was her who broke up their relationship, he reminded himself. He found his fingernails were digging painfully into his palm.
Evidently Nathan wasn’t answering either.
‘I can’t remember Pete’s PA’s extension.’ Stella shook the phone in frustration. ‘I’ll have to go through the main switchboard.’ Her hand was shaking as she held the phone to her ear, and her eyes were shut, as if she were willing someone at the other end to tell her everything was all right.
‘Jane, hi. It’s Stella. Is Pete there? Nathan? Right. Could you ask one of them to ring me as soon as they get back? Thanks.’
She dropped the phone into her lap. ‘Not sure what’s going on. One of my colleagues was supposed to go to a meeting on my behalf yesterday. It must be serious if Pete’s got involved.’
‘Well, there’s nothing you can do.’
‘I know that but it doesn’t help.’
Ross looked around, hoping to find inspiration for what he might say next. ‘Do you know where we are?’ He pointed up the driveway.
Stella craned her neck to the right. ‘Thirlestane Castle. I haven’t been there for years.’
‘It’s shut for the winter or else we could have gone for a coffee.’
‘Coffee?’ She could hear her voice rising.
‘There’s Carfraemill down the road. It’ll be open. If you don’t want to, that’s fine. But it would take away the taste of that concoction of Lilias’s.’
She didn’t look at him but he could see the corner of her mouth quirk up. ‘Won’t it make you late?’
He took that as a yes. ‘Half an hour won’t make much difference.’
He’d made the gesture because she looked so miserable – it didn’t seem fair that she had problems at work on top of worrying about Alice. But it was a stressful job that she had made the decision to take, he reminded himself, and he wasn’t in a position to console her the way he once would have done. Already regretting the suggestion, he drove on to Carfraemill.
It was a shame that it was off-season for Thirlestane. Stella remembered a school trip there and being thrilled by the fairy-tale castle and its vast green velvet lawns. Of course Ross was on that trip too – they were probably aged about thirteen or fourteen, at the stage when they kept their after-school friendship apart from their school life. Ross, just beginning to take rugby seriously, was the same height as herself then. A couple of years later he towered over her and their paths diverged as all of his spare time was taken up with practice.
The kitchen café at Carfraemill was warm and welcoming. Stella put her phone on the table so that she’d be sure not to miss a call but she felt herself relax a little, ready to forget for the moment about the possible problem at work. But it was like a dream – whether a good one or a bad one she couldn’t decide – to be here with Ross and no one else. What on earth were they going to talk about? She tucked her legs under her chair so that there was no possibility of her accidentally playing footsie with him.
Maybe Ross was having second thoughts about issuing the invitation. He didn’t seem to know what to say either but was staring at the cheerful red Aga in the corner as if it were the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen.
She looked at him covertly. He was in good shape considering he wasn’t playing professional sport any more. For a moment she allowed herself to think of the first match he’d played for Scotland. Standing on the terrace with Gav and Carol and a crowd of other friends, she cheered until she was hoarse when he scored a try. She remembered how nice he’d been to the crowd of young lads wanting his autograph afterwards.
It was a heady time. Then, although Ross was initially devastated when his fledgling international career – his whole rugby career – was cut short after he broke his shoulder, he threw his energies into running the family business. It was certainly no coincidence that Gray chose that time to announce that he wanted to spend more time on the golf course and was handing the reins over to his grandson.
She stole another glance. His dark, almost black, hair was a little longer than it used to be, touching the collar of the jacket he’d pulled on when they got out of the car. Maybe because his rugby-playing days had come to an end prematurely his face didn’t bear any of the typical battle scars, no broken nose or misshapen ears.
‘You’re Ross Drummond, aren’t you?’ said the pretty waitress as she handed them menus. ‘My brother played for Melrose with you.’
They chatted about mutual acquaintances, Ross’s face animated and the girl’s sparkling in return. Stella couldn’t bear to watch them. Of course he wouldn’t have taken long in finding another girlfriend – probably a line of hopefuls formed a queue the minute she was out of the picture. She stared at the menu, reading every line, although she wasn’t planning on having anything other than coffee.
If only they could go back, as far back as that school trip to Thirlestane Castle, excited about being out of class for the afternoon. Knowing that when she got home Alice would be waiting to hear all about it. Knowing that she and Ross were friends.
‘Oh, sorry,’ Ross said to Stella, rather belatedly. He introduced the girl. ‘And this is Stella.’
Stella handed the menu back. ‘Americano, no milk, please.’
‘Same, with milk.’ Ross returned the waitress’s smile. ‘Good to see you.’
That smile was like a stab to the heart – although of course she had only herself to blame; she’d forfeited the right to be looked at like that by Ross Drummond. Was he enjoying playing the field or was he having a … a thing with Skye? She’d said that she was going down to Melrose tomorrow, hadn’t she? Why else would she be going other than to see Ross? To spend the nights with him. One way to find out …
‘I met Maddie’s flat—’ she began.
‘I was thinking—’ Ross said at the same time. ‘Sorry, go on, what were you going to say?’
She shook her head. Thank goodness he’d interrupted – did she really think that he’d discuss Skye with her? And could she have borne it if he had? Anyway, no doubt she’d find out soon enough if there was something serious between them. ‘It doesn’t matter. What were you thinking?’ It was an awkwardly intimate thing to be asking.
Ross gestured towards the Aga. ‘It looks good, doesn’t it? Cosy. Perhaps Alice could get one? That range of hers is pretty hopeless.’
Well, it certainly wasn’t an intimate answer.
‘Agas are expensive, aren’t they? Alice couldn’t afford one.’
‘It was just a thought. Something will have to be done. The old range isn’t going to last much longer. You don’t want it grinding to a halt in the winter.’
‘I’ll look into it.’ Flaking paintwork, missing tiles, and now this. No one knew the state of Alice’s finances better than Stella. There was no money to spend on an Aga or on any other home improvements.
‘And I don’t know if you noticed but Hill View’s got some roof tiles missing – and water’s come through into the attic space. Lilias sent me up there – she thought she could hear rats.’
‘Rats!’
‘Don’t worry, it wasn’t – a bird had got in and couldn’t get out again, poor thing. I put buckets under the drips but some of the stuff up there got wet.’
‘I’ll look into that too.’
Her voice must have had an edge to it that she hadn’t intended because Ross said, ‘Keep your hair on. I know a few tradesmen if you need any recommendations.’
‘I’ll bear that in mind.’
The coffee was strong and good and banished any lingering traces of Lilias’s strange-tasting tea. She searched her mind for a different topic of conversation. Perhaps ‘do you remember’ was a dangerous opening but it was all she could come up with.
‘Do you remember that school trip to Thirlestane?’
‘Not sure I appreciated it at that age,’ he said. ‘But I’ve been in the castle a few times lately. We do some private catering. My chef’s full of good ideas – that was one of them.’
She’d love to know more about that but she wasn’t going to ask.
‘Is Bette minding the shop today?’ Silly question. Of course Bette was at home this morning, after shop-opening time.
He put down his mug and stretched out his long legs, pulling them back as they coincided with Stella’s.
‘Sorry. She’ll probably pop in at some point, rearrange the shelves to her satisfaction, but I’ve got a full-time assistant in the deli now, Gav’s sister. There’s the restaurant too – tons more paperwork and I can’t be in both places at once.’
She wasn’t going to pursue that either. She didn’t want to know more about how his business was doing, the business they might have run together.
‘And your work?’ He sounded as remote as if they’d met as strangers at a dinner party. ‘You enjoy it? At least, when it’s not inadvertently getting mentioned on the news?’
‘I’ve had some interesting assignments – the current one is a management buy-out,’ she said. ‘It’s vital it works out otherwise there’ll be job losses.’
He blew out his lips. Almost like a kiss. ‘Big stuff then,’ he said, unconsciously echoing his grandfather’s reaction. If this were before, when she was in the Edinburgh office, he’d have asked questions, wanted to hear more. But now, like herself, he seemed unwilling to respond to her replies in a way that would turn this into a proper conversation. He reached into his jacket pocket for his wallet. ‘Perhaps we should get on.’
‘Let me get this.’ Stella gestured to him to put his money away. ‘As a thank you for the lift.’
He stood up, pushing his chair back so that it scraped along the floor. ‘I may not be earning mega bucks in the Big City but I can afford to buy you a coffee.’
They stared at each other.
Was this it? Stella’s heart pounded. Was this the showdown she’d been half-expecting from the moment she got into the car? She looked away first, biting her lip to stop it trembling. ‘I didn’t mean that. I just—’
The waitress was back. ‘Did you enjoy your coffee?’
Stella got to her feet. ‘Yes, thank you,’ she said. ‘Could you tell me where the Ladies is, please?’ She lifted her phone and her purse and left the café without looking back.
In the cloakroom she stared at herself in the mirror.
Ambitious girl keen to get on in her career, not letting anything – or anyone – stand in her way. That’s how Ross must have interpreted her decision to move to London.
The real story was much more complicated.
Stella drank in the countryside as they drove in silence through it.
During the drive in the dark the previous evening she hadn’t seen the wind farm, an alien presence in this landscape and yet strangely wonderful too, an army of mythical giants waving their arms.
The Eildon Hills were white on the top, like a snow queen’s tablecloth. It was said that fairies lived there and that long ago the Queen of the Fairies enticed a Borders man called Thomas the Rhymer away to fairyland. When he returned years later – thinking he’d been gone only a few days – he had the ability to see into the future. Alice read Stella and Maddie that story one winter when they were little and for years they imagined that their Christmas-tree fairy had come from that fairyland in the hills.
The seasons all had something special here. Impossible to say which was best. Leafless trees stark against the sky in winter. In autumn their foliage blazed orange and gold, and the sun filtered through them into the crisp mornings. In spring the daffodils carpeted the garden at Hill View and lambs played in the surrounding farms. And on a warm summer’s day, the town’s gardens were jewel-bright while in the burn below the house, when they were children, they sat dangling their feet in the water.
There was nowhere in the world like the Borders …
If she’d stayed here, she and Ross would still be together, might even be engaged.
She’d been going to wait until the day after Gav and Carol’s wedding to tell him about the job in London but as they were walking back to Hill View afterwards he pulled her close, picked confetti out of her hair and told her he loved her. Wondering if he was going to seize the moment to mention marriage in connection with themselves, she jumped in to forestall him. It seemed wrong to continue the evening as if nothing was going to change.
As they came to the square she’d released her hand from his. ‘Can we sit down? I’ve got something to tell you.’
He tried to take her hand again. ‘What is it?’
‘Let’s sit here.’ It would be easier if she didn’t have to look at him.
He put his arm along the bench behind her and gazed up at the sky. ‘Starry starry night,’ he sang, ‘and Stella-star-of-the-sea beside me. What more could I want?’ He would certainly never get picked to sing for Scotland, something she often teased him about. But not tonight.
She moved slightly forward so that he wasn’t touching her. ‘I’ve been offered a new job.’
‘Promotion? Which department?’
‘Investment.’
‘You kept that quiet – that you were applying for it. That’s excellent. When do you start?’
‘Three weeks.’
He put his arm round her and kissed the top of her head. ‘Congratulations!’ When she didn’t respond he said, ‘Hey, not having second thoughts, are you? You don’t sound too thrilled. You’ll be brilliant at it.’
‘It’s in the London office. I didn’t apply for it. They came to me. I hope it’ll only be for a couple of years.’
‘London! What do you mean? Is this a wind-up?’
She stood up facing him, and tried to look him in the eye. Failing that, she stared at the ground, scuffing it with her green sandal.
‘I’m moving to London. It’s a good opportunity and I’ve accepted it.’
‘London!’ he said again. ‘But why the heck didn’t you discuss it with me? You never said a word. Three weeks! I can’t believe it. When were you going to tell me?’
‘I am telling you. But I don’t plan—’
‘Are you breaking up with me, Stella?’ The look in his eyes was very hard to bear.
‘No,’ she said in anguish. ‘No. It’s just something I need to do.’
‘Something that doesn’t involve me.’ He stood up now. ‘I never thought this is how the night would end.’ He rubbed his forehead. ‘Maybe I could get a job in London too – put the restaurant plan on hold, find someone to manage the shop.’
She wouldn’t let him turn his life upside down, leave Gray in the lurch. Not when she couldn’t let him know the truth about why she was going.
‘How would that work? No, don’t, we can—’
‘Can what? How can we have a relationship when you can’t tell me about something as monumental as this?’
‘Don’t shout.’
‘I’ll shout if I want. Or is it only you who gets her own way?’
‘I’m not. It’s not like that.’
‘Who’s shouting now?’
‘I’m going home,’ she said. If she didn’t leave now, she’d howl like a dog in the moonlight. She gathered up the skirts of her long dress. ‘I’ll … I’ll text you in the morning, shall I?’
‘Do what you like. You’re good at that.’ Before she could move he’d marched off in the opposite direction.
Now, they hadn’t exchanged a word since she’d got back into the car. He must be remembering that night too. A glimpse in the rear-view mirror showed his face with that closed expression she’d grown used to since this morning. Shutting her out.
The panorama of Edinburgh, with Arthur’s Seat in the distance, spread out in front of them as they dropped down into the south side of the city. At the traffic lights near the hospital entrance, Ross said stiffly, ‘The parking’s difficult. I’ll stop at the front if I can.’
‘Of course.’ She gathered up her handbag, shoulder bag and the cake tin. For all its size it didn’t feel as if there was much cake in it. But how could she have refused to take it?
Cars were definitely not encouraged to wait at the entrance for more than a few seconds. As Ross braked, another car drove up behind them. Stella got out quickly, ducked her head back in to mumble thanks, and shut the door.
She fought an urge to run after him, to signal to him to come back, to explain … Instead, she headed into the hospital, wondering with a return of dread how Alice was.