Chapter 15

all evening i’ve been obsessing over how to get to Kyle and Stephen. It’s better than obsessing over food, but I’m getting nervous, because I have no answer. They might be willing to talk, to give me some way of cracking things open. They might not. But I’ll never know unless I can reach out to at least one of them. And I don’t think showing up on their doorsteps is a good idea. Not considering how this town talks and how connected their dads are to the bros’ legacy.

Fuck it. Even though Alva’s probably monitoring their accounts, I send them another message. No point in trying to hide when they already know.

Kyle and Stephen, Hey I know you aren’t allowed to talk to me, but if you need to for any reason, I’m here. Hope to hear from you.

I stare at what I’ve written, and it drives home how truly messed up today has been. Ella’s story, now ongoing. Q saving my ass. My life feels tipped at some weird angle.

My phone chimes with a text. Ollie. You all right?

Hanging in there.

It’s weird how much he cares. Or maybe it’s completely normal and I’ve just never experienced it?

Well, make sure your feet are on the ground o_O

I laugh, even though that’s some twisted-ass shit to say.

I text Ella. Thanks for what you said today. About yourself and about me.

Really? Ur welcome, I guess. But it wasn’t too creepy that I still have that picture?

Totally creepy, but I wear my reminder of things, so no judging here.

You’ll succeed, and then you’ll have your film :)

Someday. Thanks. I caught her up on what happened today as soon as I got home. She wasn’t surprised. Even though they are so totally different, there’s something so similar about her and Quinn.

There’s a knock at my door and it opens. Dad sees me latched onto my phone. “Bad time?”

It may be. I have no idea what he wants. “No, what’s up?”

He sits on the edge of my bed. “You feeling okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You didn’t go out for a walk tonight. You barely ate. Just checking.”

I should have just said I wanted some fresh air and not attached my going out to Quinn’s advice. “You’re right. I should have. Just busy with schoolwork, and I really wasn’t that hungry. I’m good.”

He looks relieved. “All right. If you say so. But you let me know if something’s up. We’re here for you, your mother, and me. That may sound weird after I was such an ass the other day, but it’s true.”

“Sure,” I say. “I know.” But inside, what he said before, it’s sticking around. I don’t blame him for being disappointed with my screw-ups, but it doesn’t mean I like hearing how much it bothers him.

He looks around and stands. “Don’t stay up too late.”

I nod and wait for him to close my door, but he says, “Do you mind me asking, how much weight have you lost?”

It’s funny how he didn’t give me a chance to answer the first part of the question before asking the second. Regardless, I’m proud enough to be honest. “Thirty-two.”

His eyes widen. “Really? That Quinn, wow. He’s something else.”

“That’s an understatement,” I say.

“Yeah, you’re right.” He chuckles. “Well, keep it up.”

I check for messages from Kyle, Stephen, or Quinn, just in case. Nothing. No surprise. It’s not always easy reaching out, asking for help or being honest. I have yet to succeed at any of those.

• • •

Quinn is quiet the whole ride in this morning. Doesn’t say a word about yesterday, which I appreciate. What he’s doing for me, and now Ollie, is pretty awesome. We just have such a weird relationship. But I know there’s something under the surface that he needs to get off his chest. In time, I guess.

Then it is weird in the halls, too. Nothing worth recording. Everyone’s quiet. Which makes me nervous. A quiet school is dangerous. We’re all like animals here. We can sense danger even if we have no idea what it is or where it’s coming from. But unlike the animals, we’ve got nowhere to hide.

I head into the PE locker room and no longer feel like I’ve lost more than thirty pounds. I feel as if I ate someone else. Kids eye me as I head to my locker, whisper, laugh, say shit. And I stuff it all down.

“Yeah, so I told the kid he’d better not mess with me or I’d break his fucking face.” Gilbey’s voice pours over the lockers and I tense. Normally, I’d think he was just talking shit, but after what I’ve seen, who knows?

“What’d he do?” some kid asks Gilbey.

“He didn’t fucking listen. Got in my face and asked what I was gonna do. I had my mini stick in the car, so I grabbed it and the dick just laughed. Guess he thought it was a toy or something.”

“Yeah?”

The entire locker room is listening now. Most have stopped changing. Even me.

“As soon as I cracked him across the face he knew what was up. Caught him right in the jaw. Couple of his teeth were sticking through his cheek.”

“Did he run?”

“Tried to.” Gilbey laughs and it’s ugly. “I caught him in a knee and he went down. And let’s just say, he won’t be walking right for quite some time. If ever.”

“Holy fuck.”

Holy fuck is right.

Kids lace shoes and file out. I change as quickly as I can, but I’m still last. Which means laps. Eh, I could use the extra work.

I turn the corner, and Gilbey is waiting. “What took you so long, Dun? Have trouble tying your own shoes?” He laughs and I step around him. Or try to. There really isn’t enough space in the narrow hall leading to the gym.

He grabs me, spins me around. “Hey, fuck face. I need to ask you a question.”

“What?” I stop because it’s just easier to get it over with.

He sneers. “Did you not understand the message we sent?”

I play dumb. “What?”

“Your meeting with Kyle? Did you not understand or do you just like the taste of my balls?”

More than being angry, I wish I had my phone. Since I don’t, there’s no point in engaging this asshole. “Got it,” I say and turn away. He grabs me again.

“I don’t think you do, cuz if you did you wouldn’t have messaged Kyle and Stephen last night.” Gilbey gets closer and under the fluorescent lights somehow looks smaller. “What, you think we aren’t watching that shit?”

Of course I knew it was a long shot. But I still wonder if Kyle or Stephen saw it. I still wonder if there’s a chance.

“Are you fucking listening to me, you fat fuck? You remember what we said about your sweet little bitch. The things we could do to her. Damn!” Gilbey clips me off the back of my head. Just an open-handed slap, but it does the trick. It drives home just what he means.

These assholes are capable of anything. They will do whatever they feel like in order to preserve their cult and their standing. I don’t give a shit how much they hurt me. I started this. But everyone has a fucking line, and mine seems to be Ella. Not just because she’s a girl, but because there’s some shit you just don’t do. And what Gilbey just said, combined with what I know they’re capable of. No. No goddamn way I’m ever going to let that happen. He’ll have to kill me first.

And in this moment I see just how little space he has behind his head and the brick wall, and just how big I am, and how strong I need to be. I charge.

We hit the wall, and his head bounces as I thought it would. “I’m listening, you psycho. But don’t think I don’t know what’s going on, or that I won’t do anything about it, just because you and Alva don’t want me to.”

Gilbey squirms like a bug, but can’t reach me with his hands. He’s fuming. “You’re in for it now, Jabba.”

I revel in having him pinned like this. “Yeah, just what are you—”

Gilbey lands a knee so perfectly in my junk that I fall like a tree. I squirm, try to catch my breath, and don’t hear what he says. I can guess though. But I’m not afraid. I know the truth, and regardless of whatever he or Alva does, I’ll make damn sure I’m not the only one.

I manage to get to one knee and stand after a few minutes. Class is already in progress. I can hear Coach’s whistle and don’t even see the point in going. But if I cut, that means I’ll have to answer to Callaghan. No, thanks. I massage my bruised balls and limp into class.

Coach sees me and blows his whistle. “Dunsmore. So glad you decided to join us. Ten laps.”

I nod and start trudging. Every step is painful. My nuts feel like they’re up in my belly. I keep my head down, but feel eyes on me for the first few laps. Hear the laughter. Then it’s just me and my sweat and Gilbey, who is looking every time I peer around. He’s found his target, and I have a sense of what those newbie lax bros must feel. Yet, unlike them, I’m going to build a way out.