“I did it,” Rafe whispered, his chest tightening. “I was the one. Call off your dogs.”
Holly’s grip flinched but held.
“They will not act until they are ordered to. They know how to follow instructions, just as you once did.” Gabriel turned to Holly. “Our commander ordered him to kill me—me who was like a brother to him—to prove his loyalty to the militia. I did not believe he would. I believed our friendship would triumph. You know what happened? The machete got stuck in bone.” He stroked his nose. “If he had not struggled to pull it out and finish the job, he would have finished me. The commander only stepped in to stop him because he wanted me for his Lost Boys, too. He needed numbers that day, so I got...lucky. Oh, yes, we both bear the scars of this dangerous man, my dear. You are lucky yours are not permanent.”
Gabriel fingered Holly’s amulet again, his hands brushing her T-shirt. Rafe balled his fist. Lucky Holly was holding him so damn tight. He couldn’t lose it, not with Theo so close.
“When I first saw you with this, my dear, I thought you must have taken it from Raphael’s dead body. A souvenir, perhaps. I thought you merciless. You also used it to manipulate Theo and save yourself.” He stepped back and called over his shoulder to one of his guards, ordering him to fetch a wooden box from his desk. “Now, I think Raphael gave it to you, which makes you even more merciless. You would steal a man’s heart to save yourself.”
Holly kept her chin defiant, though Gabriel towered over her.
“Ah, I see this is true. This amulet, it is a tradition of my people—of Raphael’s people. You give it only to those closest to you. When you become betrothed, you chip off a part of it for your future wife. When you have a son, you chip off a part for him. The smaller the amulet gets, the more power it has. Only when there is dust left do you make a new one for the next generation. You must have made quite an impression on my friend.”
A guard walked out and handed him a small carved box. Gabriel ran a finger over its grooves. “Most of our people in the refugee camps had these amulets. I once had one of my own, but it was stolen from me while I slept, when I was a very young boy. When I became the commander, I had our former camps searched for it. I found it hanging around a man’s neck, a man a little older than me. He had taken it because he had lost his, lost his link to his past. I took his neck and the amulet in one.”
Rafe swallowed.
“For a long time I have kept it safe in this box. A year ago, I began to wonder. These are unique stones—their coloring, their feel. I hired a geologist. She traced my amulet back to a rock formation near an abandoned village in the northwest of our country.”
“Whatever game you’re playing—”
“Quiet, Raphael. You will be very interested to hear this, I promise. Two months ago I traveled there. I found an old woman who had been there when the village was attacked by our enemy. She recognized my amulet—these are like fingerprints to our people. She remembered my family. She told me my father had been shot, along with all the other men. My pregnant mother was beaten and died slowly of her untended wounds. My older sister was taken to their rape camps and never seen again. This woman helped many children escape—I might have been one of them. She could not remember my real name.”
“I’m sorry.” Holly’s voice trembled. It sounded like genuine sympathy.
Even Rafe felt a tug in his gut. For Gabriel to find his home after so long, to find out what had happened to his family after decades of wondering... A lump grew in his throat. That had to mean something, even to Gabriel. It would mean something to Rafe. He frowned. Was this also the village he came from?
Gabriel handed the box to Holly. “Open it, please.”
Holly looked questioningly at Rafe. He shrugged. She released his hand, which he kept firmly on her waist, and popped open the box. Inside lay a gray-green stone.
“What do you make of that, my dear?”
She cradled it in her palm. “It...looks the same as the others, just bigger.”
Gabriel instructed the guard to remove Theo’s amulet and bring it out.
“Leave him be,” said Rafe.
“Do not worry, Papa, I will give it back.”
A cry of pain shot out from the building. Rafe released Holly and lurched forward, his face heating. Four guns were leveled at his face.
“If you want to protect your son, you must calm down, my friend,” said Gabriel.
The guard returned, Theo’s amulet strung from his fingers, the leather snapped where it’d been yanked from the boy’s neck. Rafe balled his fists. Les salauds. Another thing they would pay for.
Gabriel held out a hand to Rafe. “Your amulet, too.”
Rafe looked over his shoulder at Holly. She widened her eyes as if to say, play along. He ripped the leather from his neck and slapped it on Gabriel’s palm.
Gabriel passed it to Holly. “What can you conclude from these, my dear?”
“They look like they were cut from the same rock.” She took off the amulet she wore and cupped all four stones in her hand, their leather cords hanging between her fingers. “They form a complete ball.”
“What?” said Rafe, stepping back to her.
Holly opened her fingers. The pieces huddled together in her palm. Each stone was worn smooth—Gabriel’s bigger and a little rougher than the others—but they fit together.
“The missing pieces of our family, together for the first time in decades,” said Gabriel.
“You are brothers,” whispered Holly, looking sideways at Rafe, as if she expected him to explode.
“We are not brothers.” Rafe could barely speak above a whisper. “He is manipulating us.”
“You have already figured this out, have you not, my dear?”
“There are similarities,” said Holly, tentatively. “Your walk, your bearing, your coloring. And your faces, from what I can make...”
“From what you can make out from my disfigured one?”
She exhaled. “Yes.”
“It was the old woman who made me wonder. She asked if my younger brother survived—a dark, pretty boy with eyes like chocolate.”
“You describe half the boys at the camps,” Rafe said. “And you can’t know that the stone you found was yours. There are many like that.”
“I thought of that possibility, little brother. That is why I sent your son’s DNA to a laboratory a week ago. I can show you the results, if you doubt me. A quarter of our DNA is the same. He is my nephew.”
Rafe gaped. He searched his mind for evidence it was true—some memory, some flash of knowledge. All he knew was that Gabriel had always been there, right from his scattered earliest memories.
“Tell me, Raphael. If you could get hold of the people who killed our parents, who took our sister, what would you do to them?”
Rafe shook his head, staring at the stones in Holly’s palm. He could absorb none of it. He had long ago given up hope of finding his parents—but a sister? She could still be alive.
“You would track these dogs down, would you not? You would do the same to them as they did to our parents, to us, to our sister?”
“No.” But, hell, he truly didn’t know. He felt nothing. Even he should feel something. Some neurons should be connecting, figuring out what this all meant. He had a family, a place of origin—the pieces that were missing from the story of his life. Gabriel was his family. This should all mean something.
“You would do the same. I know this.” Gabriel spoke almost pityingly. “You would go to that black place that beckons you.”
Rafe’s gaze snapped up.
“Ah, you know this black place, do you not? We all do, my brother.”
“Don’t call me that.” Rafe’s voice sounded distant, even to him.
“It is the truth. Yes, you would do the same as I did.”
“What did you do?”
“What do you think I did? I found the villages of our enemy. I found them, their children, their grandchildren. I dealt with it.” He smiled at Holly. “I think that is what you Americans call getting closure.”
“You’re an animal,” Holly said, clutching the stones as if protecting them.
“No, my dear. I am human, and that is far worse.”
“Papa!” Theo’s voice hit a new note of anxiety. The dagger twisted in Rafe’s heart.
“Courage, Theo. I will come for you soon,” Rafe yelled, in French.
His urge to go to his son was like a tide pulling his chest. But Gabriel held all the power. His vision swam. Putain—the early warning sign. He closed his eyes, tight, and lifted his face to the sky. Stay in control.
“So you see, it has been an interesting year for me,” Gabriel continued. “A soul-searching year. I like this English phrase. I found my brother, after many, many years of hunting. I found my nephew. I found the place I was born. I have spent many days thinking about all this, about whether I am glad Raphael is my brother, or whether it hurts more, to know it was my brother who abandoned me. Character building—that is what you Americans would say, yes?”
Rafe risked opening his eyes. His sight was fuzzy but improving. He dug his fingernails into his palms. He must stay anchored against the pull of the blackness growing inside, find the kill switch. He yearned to make Gabriel shut up, but the longer he talked, the longer they all stayed alive.
“And this?” said Rafe, darkly. “This is your revenge?”
“I will take revenge if I must, but I have moved beyond this need. I want more. I want to know if you are my brother in deed as well as in blood. You must prove your loyalty to me once more—your loyalty to your family, to your people. Otherwise, yes, I will settle for revenge. There is much comfort in revenge.”
“I will not kill my son, if that’s what you want.”
“Why would I want that? Theo is precious to me, more so than you are, because he I can train. I can mold him into someone who can be trusted, who can follow orders, who can lead this militia into the future. A line of succession. Having said that, my earlier promise still stands—if you kill me, he, too, will die. Or, if you simply do not wish to join your brothers here, you will die and I will take him, anyway. Your choice.”
“Don’t do this.”
“I want to show you that you belong somewhere, Raphael. I want you to know you have a family—is that not what any of us always wanted? It is too late for you to go back to your other life. These people you fooled—the French military, your wife’s family—they have received evidence of the truth about you.”
Rafe stiffened. “What have you done?”
“The people who turned you back into a human, as you say, they kept records. These things are supposed to be destroyed, but their systems were lax. My men found them, remarkably easily—our first step to finding you. All the evidence is there—interviews with you, in which you catalog every atrocity you committed. These are now in the hands of your colonel and the mother of your wife. I have several more copies, in case your girlfriend would also like to have a read. It is very enjoyable. Better than Hitchcock. In fact, maybe I will send a copy to Hollywood. Our Raphael will be famous. Or is infamous the right word, in English? I get confused with these two. Such a needlessly complex language.”
Rafe clamped his mouth shut. The life he’d built from scraps had collapsed. He concentrated on filling his lungs, emptying them, filling, emptying. Nothing mattered now but getting Theo and Holly out alive.
“Do not worry, my brother. You do not need to return to that false existence—you do not belong with those people, with whom you must always pretend. You belong with me, with your many other brothers. But you have let me down before. You need to show me you will not do it again. We had an agreement of what you had to do to get your son back.”
“I fulfilled it. Let her go.” Rafe switched languages. “She’s a mongrel, like us.”
“She is a mongrel, yes?” Gabriel stuck with English. “This is what you think of your girlfriend? You kidnapped the wrong woman, and you failed to kill her when I ordered you to. You still have a little time to fix one of those errors.”
“Never.”
“Interesting. I thought Theo meant more to you than that. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps he is better off here, with someone who will take proper care of him. How can you care for him when you are not there in the night to protect him? Is that not the job of a father? This mission, to capture Theo—I carried it out personally, while my men restrained the old woman. He woke when I entered his room, and he ran to me, willingly, calling out in the darkness for his papa. He thought you had come home for him. I do not speak his language, but I heard in that voice his desperation to be loved by a man who cannot love. I felt his anguish at being abandoned by his father, just as I felt the anguish of being abandoned by my brother. At first, he embraced me. It was beautiful, to feel his young, thin arms around my neck, squeezing tight.”
The scene felt as real to Rafe as if he was there right now, in the little room plastered with Captain America posters—Theo’s voice calling out for him with all the delight of Christmas morning, those trusting arms flung around a man he thought was his father. And then the terror and panic... Rafe swallowed.
“He did not know his own father from a stranger,” Gabriel said. “Or maybe he just sensed he was better off with me.” He shouted at his soldiers to check if the brand was hot. “Join me, or you will die and I will make your son one of us, forever.”
Either way, Theo lost. Rafe flinched at the sickly stench of burning hair and flesh. Was it coming from his memory, or was it real? Put your brain in charge. Theo wasn’t screaming, and Gabriel wouldn’t play his trump card yet. He was building to something Rafe was powerless to stop. Stay present.
“My brother, I understand you, like no one else does. I know the devil that lurks within you, constantly seeking a way out. You are too frightened to let your guard down, because that is when the demon takes control. It is always there, always threatening to split open your skin and slither out. Like now. Join me, join your brother. Let go of the struggle to keep the mask on. Shed it and be the man you really are. You will never need to leave your son again. He can be with his father and his uncle—with his family.”
Rafe chose silence. To react was to make him vulnerable to the monster within. Gabriel understood him better than he’d thought possible. Everything that’s inside your head is inside mine. Even after twenty-two years?
“Rafe,” whispered Holly urgently. “You are not one of them.”
He clenched his teeth. Oh, he was indeed one of them. He didn’t want her pity, didn’t want her making excuses for him. She knew now what she’d made love to.
“You don’t know me,” said Rafe, quietly. “What Gabriel says is true. I’ve killed more people than I can count. I still see their faces—every one of them, frozen in the terror of the last moments of their lives. I can run away from it—I did run away from it—but they follow me, these people, everywhere.”
“You were under someone else’s control. You were a victim, too.”
“There can be no excuse. Those memories are my price to pay.”
“You’ve already paid the price—you lost your childhood.”
“What price have I paid? I got to wipe away the past and start again like it never happened. Those people and their families paid the price, not me.” He hung his head, feeling every drop of weight in the humid air. “Only chance separated my path from Gabriel’s.”
“My brother, you are beginning to see the truth. Many, many people paid the price for your freedom. My dear American friend, do you want to see the price I paid?” Gabriel tore at the buttons on his shirt.
Rafe yearned to turn away, but he owed it to Gabriel to witness this. He owed it to his brother. His gut churned as Gabriel yanked off the shirt. Gouged white scars crisscrossed his chest and stomach, and trailed into his waistband. Rafe gagged. The ground seesawed. Gabriel turned, slowly, revealing the same pattern on his back. Rafe had seen many whippings, but none like this. There were more scars than skin. How was he still alive?
“I didn’t kn...” Rafe’s throat closed.
“It was a warning. No one ever left the militia again.”
Gabriel slowly pulled his arms into his shirt and buttoned it, smoothing the iron-flat fabric. That was why he appeared stiff—the scars restricted his movement. His every move must remind him of the torture he’d endured, because of Rafe.
“I would have come for you, if I’d known,” said Rafe, testing his voice. It was the truth he’d clung to all these years, but suddenly it felt like a lie. What truth ever existed for us? An ember deep in the recesses of his brain began to glow. Had he buried the truth, like he’d buried the monster?
“You knew.” Gabriel’s words were barely audible above the roaring in Rafe’s ears. “My dear, can you guess why they whip you front and back? Because then you have no way to lie down, no relief from the pain. They rub dirt and shit into the wounds to infect them. The agony and the illness last for months. You cannot sleep, you cannot eat, you can only long for the pain to get so bad you will pass out. When it does, you wake to find rats chewing on the wounds. This pain...you cannot see a way out of it. It drives you mad.”
Rafe’s breath came in ragged gasps. His brain screamed at him to block out Gabriel’s words, to protect himself from losing his sanity. But that was the coward’s way. This was what he’d caused. This was what he’d face.
“To start with, I kept myself alive by imagining that Raphael would come with his aid workers to rescue me, take me to a hospital where they would do their doctor magic and take away the pain and sickness. Sometimes I would hallucinate and believe he had come back for me. Then I would regain consciousness and find myself propped up on the same filthy mat on the same floor, chasing away the same rats. Always chasing the rats. One night I was too weak to scare a rat off—it kept coming back and feeding. I could hear its teeth tearing, feel it tugging at my flesh, and, oh, the agony—this is nothing you will ever know, no matter how much I hurt you. And I did not have the strength to lift my arms or legs to chase it away.
“Weeks and weeks and weeks went by. Raphael did not come. My brother—as I know now he is—did not come. You see, my dear, he was trained to believe that caring about someone was a weakness. I thought our bond was proof we had won, we had retained a little of our true natures. I found I was wrong, just as I had been wrong about his will to kill me with the machete. I was a fool. His training had worked better than I thought—far better than mine. These injuries you see, these scars on my body—they don’t stop at my waist. They left me unable to father children. They robbed many futures.”
An anguished yowl surrounded Rafe, piercing his ears, his brain, his skin. His knees buckled and he slumped to the ground. The cry went on and on. Shut up. Shut up. He rocked, pinning his palms to his ears. Blackness circled his vision and closed in.
A voice echoed in his head—a voice he’d once known as well as his own. “Kill the woman and come home to your family, Raphael. Kill the woman and save your son. Kill the woman and show me you’re sorry for my scars. Undo the past and be with people who will not judge you for what you have done. Let go the tremendous effort of hiding who you really are.”
Cold metal touched Rafe’s palm. His fingers brushed over the scars and nicks in the pistol’s bodywork and settled into the firing position they knew so well. One shot, and he’d earn Gabriel’s forgiveness and give Theo a chance at a future. A flick of his finger, a microsecond. He’d done it before, so many times. He opened his eyes.