"Thank you for letting Ryan and Paul stay here this weekend. I know they really appreciate it, and so do I." I let my fingers drift up and down Alex's arm. I want to memorize every curve, every muscle that makes up this sexy man.
As soon as Ryan and Paul left, it didn’t take long before Alex and I were in bed, exploring the new unbridled sexual relationship between us.
A sense of calm settles over me. It's such a strange feeling. I'm so completely comfortable with him, as if it's predetermined that we belong together.
The threat John poses to our relationship is real, however, and could disrupt my euphoria. But it's impossible for me to leave Alex and prevent him from being a part of John's wrath. The thought makes my chest ache and my heart seize.
He kisses the tips of my fingers. "It's no problem. That's why I have guest rooms. I think they enjoyed themselves—you know, once we all knew you were going to be okay. Besides, you consider them family, and I want to know your family."
I still, not sure what to say. Demons from my past roar, Don't trust the words. Words make promises, and promises are easily broken.
He runs his thumb across my cheek. "What's going through that beautiful mind of yours, Kylie?"
"I'm wondering when I'm going to wake up from this dream—or when you will."
"And if it's not a dream? Why can't this be reality?" He leans in, presses his lips to my forehead, and then gazes into my eyes.
"Because it's all happening so quickly. We've known each other for what? A week? Two weeks? All of a sudden, I'm your girlfriend, we have a relationship, and you want to know my family. It's surreal and completely crazy."
"So, your issue is that it's happening too fast?" He kisses the palm of my hand and then trails his lips across my wrist.
I lift my hand until his eyes meet mine. "My issue is that it's not sustainable."
He stiffens, and stares at me. "Why do you think that?" He drops my hand on the bed but still holds it tightly.
"Because you think you need to save me, to protect me. And you're right. I need protection, and you have saved my life in more ways than you will ever know. But what happens when I no longer need saving? What will we have then?"
"Each other?" His eyes darken, and the creases in his forehead deepen.
"Based on something that won't exist any longer, thereby making it fleeting."
Alex noisily blows the air out of his lungs. "I wish you could just trust me."
I sit up, ready to challenge him. "I trust you more than anyone, Alex."
He sits and faces me, our legs crossed in front of us. "Well, that's not saying much, is it? You trust me to help you and keep you safe. But you don't fully trust. Not me—not even Ryan and Paul. They're your best friends, your family, yet they still don't know what actually happened to you that night with John."
Instantly, my defensive wall goes up. "Don't talk to me about trust, Alex. It's a two-way street that you haven't made any attempt to cross."
His face is blank.
The voice in my head tells me to back off, but I'm angry and on a roll. Heat flushes through my body, and all the muscles in my head and neck tense. "If you truly trusted me, you would tell me about your demons. But I don't get to know about your life or your past. Instead, you hold tight to your secrets. You want me to share my fears and nightmares with you, but you get to keep everything to yourself. You tell me that you're mine, but only to a point. I don't get to truly know you, Alex. I get to know what you want me to know and nothing more."
A pained look meets my eyes, and I instantly wish I could rewind the vile attack. I might as well have punched him in the stomach without any warning and knocked the wind out of him.
"It's not because I don't trust you. I'm just not ready to talk about it. There are so many things, so many feelings I still need to sort out. You kept your secret locked away for a year and look how difficult it was for you to break that box open. Mine has been locked up tight for much longer. I'm trying to deal with it. I just need time. I gave you space when you needed it, and I let you tell me in your own way. That's all I'm asking for, in return." His voice lowers and becomes childlike, and his eyes plead with me to understand. "You're the only person I want to share this with, and I will. I want to heal, like you are. I'm just not there yet."
I swallow hard over the lump lodged in my throat and fight to keep the tears at bay. I'm incredibly ashamed of myself. "You're right. You gave me space. I'm sorry I said that, it wasn't fair, and I had no right to lay that on you."
"I meant what I said the other night, Kylie. You awakened a part of me that has been dormant for so long I didn't think it existed at all. I'm not going anywhere. I want to be right here, with you. I never want to return to life where you were only a dream. You are a reality for me. And I don't plan to let that slip away for any reason." He caresses my face.
"Until you find a reason. John is a major factor in our lives, and it's possible he could make it so difficult for us that you'll want out." I look at my hand in Alex's, and watch his thumb run over my knuckles.
His brilliant blue eyes are a mix of softness and sadness. "I wish I knew what to say to make you believe me, to trust what I'm saying. I want to be with you. Period. No exceptions."
"I do trust that you feel that way—right now. I know better than to think it will last. Everyone leaves eventually, Alex. It's just the way it is, the way it's always been. It's not you or anyone else. It's me. There is something wrong with me. And once you discover it, you'll leave, too."
"That's not true. Ryan and Paul are still around."
"There are reasons for them staying. We’ve helped each other through some pivotal moments in our lives. Besides, we only see each other occasionally now."
Alex rubs the bridge of his nose and sighs heavily. "Please trust me," he says under his breath.
I lift his chin so he's forced to look at me. I have to make him understand the futility of thinking this relationship will endure. "You're right. I don't trust. Anyone. I'm not the person you think I am. One day, you'll wake up and realize you don't need me anymore. And then you won't want me. People change. What you can't possibly live without today, you can easily survive without tomorrow. Or maybe you'll find that it's just too difficult to stay with me, and it's easier to let go. The reason's not important. The outcome is the same. You. Will. Leave."
Alex's eyes flame and the muscles in his neck flex. "That's pretty cynical, Kylie." After a deep breath, his voice softens. "I don't need you because I want to save you. I want to save you because I need you to save me. I've been waiting for you for so long. To me, finding you has been a journey. So much of it occurred before you ever offered me your cell phone that morning. Now that I've found you, I'm not going to judge our feelings or depth or level of seriousness—however you want to term it—based on a calculation of time. I have never felt this way, so my time calculation is skewed."
I shake my head. I want to believe his words, but I can't afford to count on him being here for the long haul. He's too good for me to hold on to.
"What have I done to make you not trust me?"
I grab both of his hands in mine and bring them to my lips. "It's not you. I don't even trust myself. I've made horrible decisions in my life which have negatively affected a lot of people. You're dealing with the fallout of one of those disastrous decisions. And that may never change. John will not stop until he destroys us."
Alex opens his mouth to speak, but I put my finger over his lips.
"I'm damaged, Alex. I'm broken. I am not long-term material. If I were a stronger person, I would let you go. I would run away so far and so fast and save us both from the heartache. But I'm so drawn to you. You make me want to believe everything you say, and I do. In this moment, I believe you want me and need me. I just don't believe you will want all those things tomorrow. Things look different in the light of day, Alex. This is all a dream—a wonderful, magical dream. But you will wake up from it, and the reality of me will not hold the same appeal for you."
Alex scoots closer to me until our knees knock against each other. Grabbing my face, he forces me to look only at him. "Please, don't just listen to me. Hear me. I would love nothing more than to give you the world, but I know my limitations. I wish I could erase all the demons from your past. But all I can do is offer a future without demons—well, with more well-managed demons. I don't claim to have all the answers or any degree of expertise in this area. I want you to come with me on this journey. If you step off the ledge with me, we'll learn to fly together. I promise I'll take you on my wing when you falter if you'll do the same for me. I need you to take a leap of faith with me, so we can heal and be happy. Together."
The dark part of my soul cracks open, and warmth spills out. Hope. Light. Something that might even resemble love…
And I know he's right. He could have cut and run on so many occasions during this brief interlude, but he reinforces his promises and takes it a step further. He's the one moving us forward. He's the one attempting to heal me, and he's asking me to help him heal.
Faith. That's what he's asking of me. I have so little left after a lifetime of people shaking me to the core and draining me of it.
Something about this man sitting in front of me—the one who has bared his soul, offered his heart, risked rejection—forces me to reconsider. Tears break through a crack in the dam I constructed at the beginning of the discussion, and they flow over my cheeks.
"What little faith I have left," I whisper, "I give to you."
He's quiet and just stares at me. Slowly, a smile crosses his face, and he leans over and kisses me. I place my hands on either side of his face and caress him.
Alex pulls his head back, a big grin plastered on his face. "So, that makes you all mine."
"Until you get tired of me," I joke, but a part of me wonders if it's more of a prophecy.
Alex groans and throws his hands in the air.
"Sorry, sorry,” I say, “Rome was not built in a day, Stone."