I wake up Sunday, mid-morning, and go in search of coffee. Paul and Ryan are both still in their PJs as I make a beeline for the coffee pot. Ryan is leaning against the counter, and I turn and stand next to him.
He places an arm around my shoulder and kisses the side of my head. "Good morning, darlin'."
I smile back at him, giving him a quick peck on the cheek.
"What would you like to eat?"
"I'm good for right now. I'll grab something in a bit," I reply, but I have no appetite at all.
Ryan gives me a frustrated look, so I placate him with, "I promise, I'll eat later."
Paul's cell phone rings, and he answers it in his usual professional manner. "You're in town?"
Paul glances at me and then quickly at Ryan, and they seem to have a conversation without me.
I wish people would stop doing that around me!
"Okay, sure, I can meet with you. It's no problem at all." Paul gets up from his stool and heads into his study.
"Business on a Sunday?" I ask Ryan.
He just shrugs.
Half an hour later, Paul heads out the door. "Back in a bit," he says before the door latches behind him.
Ryan and I are sitting in the family room on the couch when he decides to address the elephant in the room. "What are you going to do about Alex, darlin'?"
"I'm not sure. It's seriously fucked up. I love him more than I ever thought was possible. I want to be with him, but I know I will just spend every day wondering if this is the day he finally leaves me."
Ryan sighs. "Why do you do that, K?" There's an edge of irritation in his voice. "You can't spend the rest of your life thinking he's going to leave you."
"He doesn't want me, Ryan. He told me he will never love me."
"He's the one trying to work this out and talk to you—and give you space. He's not the one who left, Kylie. You did."
"It's only a matter of time," I reply stubbornly.
"You don't know that, K."
Frustration kicks in, and my voice elevates. "He told me he doesn't love me now and will never love me in the future, Ryan. Never. I think that's a pretty clear indication this will not last."
Ryan softens and tries to calm me down. "K, he loves you. Anyone who sees him with you recognizes he's in love with you. He just has no idea what he's feeling. He tells you he cares for you and needs you with him forever. That's love, darlin'. For whatever reason, Alex doesn't trust love any more than you do. Maybe he just needs to get comfortable with the feelings and the idea before defining it. The man is head over heels in love with you. You're both just so darn stubborn. But don't give up on him yet."
He leans over and gives me a hug. Maybe time is all Alex needs. Unfortunately, I might become resentful while waiting for him.
An hour later, Paul returns from his meeting and joins us in the family room. We sit and talk for another hour before I rise.
"I'd better start heading back."
"Are you going back to Alex's?" Paul asks as he stands.
I shake my head. "The Marriott, not far from the firm. I'll give it two or three days and try to figure it out."
Paul gives me a stern look. "Okay, but let me know when you get in. And call Alex and let him know what your plans are, Kylie. He's scared shitless, trying to keep you safe, and it's not fair to make him worry."
I nod.
Paul lifts me into a bear hug. "I love you, Kylie."
"I love you, too, Paul."
He sets me down, and I walk to the foyer, grabbing my purse and fishing out the valet ticket. Ryan's behind me, and as I turn, he gathers me into an embrace.
I bury my head into his neck. "Thanks for everything, Ryan. I love you so much."
"I love you, too, darlin'. Think about what I said, please."
"I will." I kiss him before turning to the elevator.
I decide to wait until I'm out of the congestion of the city to call Alex.
His phone rings just once. "Kylie?"
I melt from just hearing his voice, and I wish I could be wrapped in his arms.
"Hi," I answer softly.
"Where are you?"
"Heading back. I just wanted you to know where I'll be staying."
"Oh." The disappointment in his voice is unmistakable. "You're not coming home?"
"I need more time."
"I need to see you, Kylie. This is killing me."
"Give me a couple of days. I'm working through all this. I just need some more time. Please."
"Where are you staying?"
"The Marriott."
"Please be careful, Kylie."
"I will. I promise." There's so much more I want to say to him, but it's all just a jumbled mess. I need to sort it out before I talk to him about my feelings, his feelings, our future. And I need for this hundred-pound, lead balloon to lift from my chest, so I can breathe again.
Two and a half hours later, I'm checking into the hotel. The desk clerk confirms the penthouse suite, and I stare at him until I realize Alex has upgraded me. I start to refuse, but I don't need this argument. It will make Alex feel more comfortable if I'm in a secured room where access to the floor is limited. It will also keep him away, which is what I really need at the moment.
Once in the suite, I fall onto the couch and look around the spacious, large living area. A desk sits in front of a long bank of windows, and I focus on a briefcase sitting on top of it. I cross the room and open it, confirming it's mine.
Shaking my head, I walk into the adjoining bedroom, open the closet, and verify my suspicions. Approximately seven of my suits along with various tops and slacks are neatly hanging there. Alex has had clothes, and I suspect toiletries, delivered from the house.
I sink onto the bed, a rush of warmth flowing through me. Perhaps Ryan is right. Maybe Alex just doesn't realize he's in love.
Except that he told me himself that he will never love me.
No matter what his motivations or reasons, this is just one more example of Alex and his thoughtfulness—one of the many reasons I love him.
I pull out my cell phone and send him a text.
Thank you for the upgrade and the clothes. I really appreciate it.
I walk to the dresser and pull open drawers filled with panties, bras, workout clothes, and pajamas. I grab a pair of PJs and change as the phone dings.
Anything for you, baby.
The text makes me smile, and while it does comfort me, I can't help but think, Not anything. Not love me.