Before the Seed Is Planted
The time to start parenting is before you become a parent.
When a child is nothing more than a twinkling in your eye—a hope, a thought, a wish—it’s time to examine the blueprint of your lives. Raising children who feel strong and confident in the world means starting with secure parents who have the emotional resources to devote to a child.
If you are part of a couple, how is your relationship with your partner? If you are a potential single parent, do you have good friends, a support group, living space?
Are you prepared for whatever it requires, even though you don’t know for sure what that will be? The following questions are intended for heterosexual couples, same-sex couples, or individuals. When I refer to the mother, I could also say the mothering one.
SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK
1. How are your relationships with your partner, family, friends, or, possibly, religious/spiritual group?
2. Does the mother have someone who will be supportive? This is crucial, especially during the first year of the child’s life. The mother needs to be deeply cared for so she can give her attention to her child and not get depleted.
3. How are your finances? Can you manage having a child without getting unduly stressed? Will you have enough to eat, pay for doctor visits, and buy necessities?
4. If you are a single parent or a two-working-parent family, is there good child care available and can you afford it? Is there a family member who will help out?
5. Do you have time and energy to devote to a child? Will someone be able to take leave from work, or is there flexibility in the work schedule?
6. Are you willing to relinquish some (or many) of your activities so you can devote ample time and attention to your child?
7. If the mother smokes, will she give it up before trying to get pregnant or adopt a child? Are you both committed to living in a smoke-free home?
8. For the mother, are you eating well and getting enough sleep so you will be healthy during your pregnancy?
The deepest preparation is readying yourself to welcome a child into your life and into your heart, and to devote the time and energy required to help a child feel secure and loved.
PLANNING FOR BIRTH: LEARN ABOUT
THE DIFFERENT OPTIONS
The goal is to have a birth that is good for your baby and good for you. And that means that you need to have a voice in the process and be informed about all the possibilities.
I urge you to learn about birthing centers and about home birth. Some people have a negative reaction to these options, but to empower yourself as a mother, get as much information as you can.
I urge every woman who is pregnant or planning to have a baby to read Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care by Jennifer Block. If you are informed about the many practices commonly used, you will be able to talk with your doctor or midwife about their approach and ask informed questions.
I am not advocating home birth, birthing centers, or hospital births. I am, however, urging women to have a voice in their birthing and to understand that, increasingly, birth is treated as a surgical procedure or put on a time line, often for the convenience of the hospital staff rather than the mother or baby.
I spoke with Jeanne Hebl, a nurse midwife, who helped create a birthing center in Missoula. Her center and affiliated home births have consistently had a two to three percent cesarean rate, compared to a rate greater than thirty percent in traditional hospitals.
They also provide for the birthing mother a doula—a woman support person who, research has shown, can have many positive influences during childbirth, both for mother and child.
In Jeanne’s words, “Our philosophy is to go with the rhythm of the woman giving birth. There are no rules about how fast one is supposed to dilate, how long one should be in labor, or how long it should take for the baby to be born. We avoid all unnecessary procedures and tune into the needs and wants of the woman.”
HOW WE TREAT THE BABY WILL BE REFLECTED IN
HOW THE BABY TREATS THE WORLD
Living at peace in the world starts with bringing children into the world as peacefully as possible—for both mother and child. I attended a conference at which Joseph Chilton Pearce, author of Magical Child, a classic on children and natural development, spoke of the profound level of bonding that takes place when a newborn is immediately placed over the mother’s heart and they start their relationship with their hearts beating together in a peaceful environment.