17  The Circle of Money, Energy, and Time

To you the earth yields her fruit, and you shall not want if you but know how to fill your hands.

It is in exchanging the gifts of the earth that you shall find abundance and be satisfied.

Yet unless the exchange be in love and kindly justice, it will but lead some to greed and others to hunger.

—KAHLIL GIBRAN, THE PROPHET

The Web of Money and Living in Peace

“Live simply so others can simply live.”

—MOHANDAS GANDHI

We are all in a circular relationship with money, the earth, energy, and time.

In Buddhism, everything is understood as being woven together in a matrix of all life. To make peace in the world is to trade in materialistic values for human values like kindness, justice, equality, and sustainability. This is no easy task, but there are many families who impart these values to their children every day, making a difference even in the smallest ways. Just as buying has its thrill, so does getting rid of excess stuff, living in simplicity, and joining with others in community projects. We can impart these values to our children to help them be naturally mindful of money. It’s not necessarily the amount of money one has that is problematic; rather it’s one’s relationship to it. Someone who earns a great deal of money without exploiting others and supports projects to help the less advantaged can be in balance and at peace with money. Likewise, a person who is compulsively tight with money because they are driven by fear and insecurity can live a very simple lifestyle yet constantly be stressed and withholding.

In its basic form, money is energy, totally intertwined with the energy of our bodies, the earth and the well-being of everyone. Ideally, we develop a balance between working, spending, and helping others so that we are able to live peacefully within our means and in harmony with others.

For some people, money is associated with success, power, self-worth, and status—an attitude that can take on an addictive, desperate quality—and there can never be enough to permanently sustain the feeling of being worthwhile or lovable or ease the panic of falling into emptiness.

From a Buddhist perspective, money becomes a problem when it takes us away from our core values of mindfulness, loving-kindness, generosity, and living in balance with our neighbors and the earth.

In the absence of love and belonging, people often fall into grasping and hoarding. When this takes over, everything goes out of balance at a personal level and in the energy system of the earth. This can lead to the exploitation of people and the contamination of all that sustains life: clean air, water, forests, and the earth itself.

On a personal level, our desire for more money than we need is related to how content and secure we feel within ourselves. Our generosity with money comes out of a sense of inner abundance and belonging and sometimes by the example set by our parents. Our skill in handling money is a result of what we have learned about planning, working, and resisting impulses. What we choose to buy and acquire is tempered by our awareness of living in balance with others and the earth.

Teaching kids about money isn’t just teaching them about dollars and cents. It’s also teaching them to set goals, plan ahead, delay immediate gratification, enjoy free time, and share what they have with others.

Gain a Global Perspective with Money

Love is “like a magic penny / Hold it tight and you won’t have any.”

FOLK SINGER MALVINA REYNOLDS

Anything that widens the chasm between the haves and the have-nots plants the seeds of violence in society in the form of despair, anger, and resentment. Quakers talk about needing to address the “occasion for war” as the way to peace.

From a planetary perspective, it is no longer an issue of survival of the fittest, it is survival of those who can cooperate and work together for the good of all. Thus, teaching children about money also means teaching them to recycle, to buy only what they need, to avoid excessive plastic packaging, to use money to help those who are less fortunate, and to be willing to accept help when they need it.

In other words, we need to spread it around, like the magic penny: “lend it, spend it and you’ll have so many.” This is the opposite of the trend we’ve seen in this country over the past twenty or thirty years, where greed and indifference to others have created an ever-widening gap between the rich, the poor, and those who are in between.

A Picture of a Family with Balanced Money Values

Wise parents provide economy class accommodations and then charge tolls in time and effort when children ask for more.

—H. STEPHEN GLENN, JANE NELSEN, RAISING SELF-RELIANT CHILDREN IN A SELF-INDULGENT WORLD

I spoke with Adam, age twenty-two, who was brought up in a Quaker family. “I’m not a consumer, I don’t want much, I never have,” he said. In our lengthy talk he told me that his mom shopped at thrift stores and that his parents reshingled the roof themselves to save money for a trip. When the kids were little, his father was a stay-at-home dad. This allowed them more time together as a family and lowered the stress of having two full-time working parents. It also meant economizing. But that was fine with everyone, because it was a core value in the family to use it up, wear it out, and pass it on. Being frugal didn’t mean a lack of fun. When the kids were adolescents the family hiked, went camping, and even took a three-hundred-mile bike trip together.

We impart values about money to our children in hundreds of ways, many of which are expressed in Adam’s description of his family. The way of peace is to raise children to believe that they have to put in time and effort for what they get rather than to develop a sense of entitlement, meaning that they realize that the world doesn’t owe them a living.

A secure family bond, open conversations, awareness of values, hard work, and a wide array of interests all help to create a barrier against children mistaking money and possessions for love.

Teaching Skills, Imparting Values of Work

My book group read Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich, which led to all of us talking about our jobs as children and young adults, in high school and through our twenties. Those early experiences, many of which were summer jobs—babysitting, waiting tables, working in a nursing home, working in a fishery in Alaska, firefighting—were recalled with a lot of laughter and warm feelings. I talked about my first job at five years old digging dandelions for our next door neighbor at a penny a plant.

Having a wide variety of jobs while growing up broadens a child’s life immeasurably and teaches her that it feels good to earn your way in the world by making an effort to get what you want.

Learning to accept hard work and being frugal also helps us reach for larger goals. When my father was in graduate school, he and my mother played violin and the clarinet at Sunday night church gatherings, so they could eat for free. I still have their immaculate budget book in which they wrote down every expense. Even though they barely had enough money for food, my mother said they didn’t feel the least bit deprived because they were working together toward a goal.

Teach Financial Planning

When we are mindful about money—resist impulse buying, buy quality goods, make things, repair them, reuse them, recycle them, and buy from yard sales, eBay, and thrift stores—children are likely to follow our lead. Frugal doesn’t have to mean cheap; it means being mindful of sustainability. It doesn’t mean we can’t occasionally splurge a little—yet as people become aware of their relationship with the earth and other people, they tend to be happier when they are careful of their impact on landfills and pollution.

No matter what we teach them, children will vary in their relationships to money: one may start hiding money in the drawer at an early age, while another may spend it immediately on pretty things, toys, candy, or maybe even on friends. One will become a little entrepreneur; another won’t think about making money at all.

To help children live within a budget, start by letting them know the plan before a trip to the store, restaurant, or carnival. Tell children how many rides they can go on at the fair, how much you can afford to spend on fall clothes, how much you are willing to contribute to a particular purchase (a lot of people have a fifty percent policy). If a child knows in advance he gets five rides at the fair, for example, he can look around and decide on the ones he wants. This will help him learn to consider his choices and live within certain means. Every now and then, if you can afford it, you might say “tonight you can have as many rides as you want” or “buy anything you want to eat.”

If you are taking a family vacation, you might encourage your kids to bring some of their savings, or you can give them a specific amount to spend while you’re away. Once you remind them to think through their choices, let them decide how to spend it. If they run out on the second day, resist all lectures and let the natural consequences do the teaching. “I know it’s hard to be flat broke.”

Separate Objects from Love

Money is not love. Objects are not love. A thoughtful present can be a token of love or care, but it should not become the emotional currency between parents and children. It sometimes takes exploring one’s motivation to realize that money is being used to curry favor, assuage guilt, or as a quid pro quo: “If I give you this, then I expect that.”

Parents need to reflect on what they are actually “saying” to their children when they buy things or give them money. “I will pay you to be a certain way. You can get things by pleasing me.” This is an all too common example of conditional love—a behavior that tends to create a false persona in our children. Using money to control children takes away from their having an intrinsic sense of belonging. Think about the ramifications for their future relationships when children are conditioned to believe, Love equals people buying me things. This will never help them feel truly loved.

If the need for love is fulfilled, children are less likely to develop a driving hunger for money and objects. They will enjoy what they have and possessions won’t be mistaken as proof of being special or being loved.

What About Having an Allowance?

This subject raised fascinating conversations among the people I interviewed for this book: Should kids get an allowance at all? At what age? Should they be expected to do chores around the house? Should they be expected to tithe, or donate some of the money to charity? At what point should children start a savings account, and should some of their allowance go into it?

There were few absolutes about allowance and chores, except that all the families I interviewed believed that it’s a natural part of family life for children to participate in the household without always being paid. Some kids earned money by doing specific chores, others had an allowance, and some had a bit of both—an allowance and the option to earn extra money with bigger tasks.

In one family, there were no allowances: the parents gave their children what they needed (not everything they wanted) and the children were always reasonable. They knew their parents did their best given a shifting financial situation. The mother told me her son said to her, “I know things are tight right now, but is there any way we can get me new sneakers? These don’t really fit me anymore.” This child was mindful of his parents’ situation, didn’t want to overburden them, but was also secure enough to let them know his needs. As his mother said, “When you get a request like that, how can you say no?” She was also amazingly generous. For example, she saved up money from cleaning houses and surprised the whole family with a cruise.

It was true across the board that parents who were successful in teaching their children about money were open about the subject and explained why they set certain policies regarding money. The kids had a voice in allowances and the financing of school supplies such as band uniforms, sports equipment, and high school trips. The parents were generous when it came to supporting activities, studies, lessons, trips, and sports, because they saw the value in them for their children, both in happiness and in developing their potential.

      EXERCISE: REFLECT ON YOUR HABITS WITH MONEY

“You do with your money how you do with your love.”

—KEN KEYES

The parallel between love and money was the theme of an afternoon workshop I attended at Ken Keyes’s Cornucopia Center in Kentucky in 1980. The insights were startling. Some of the questions that arose were: Do you hoard it, give it away without a thought, or make plans? Are you consistent, chaotic, or impulsive? You might use these questions for reflection.

1. Do you give so much to others that there isn’t enough for you or your family?

2. Do you give conditionally? Expect something in return? Do you keep score or feel hurt if others don’t give back?

3. Do you give presents or pay for others so they will like you?

4. Talk about guilt and money. Did you or do you still get money from your parents by using guilt or manipulating them? Do your parents use money to control you? Describe what they do, any conflicting feelings you might have, and your role in the dance.

5. Do you exhaust yourself earning money?

6. Does money seem to slip through your fingers?

7. Do you hoard money, worry about every dime you spend, and have a hard time letting loose or being generous?

8. Have you ever lived on a budget?

9. Do you notice prices? Look for good value? For example, do you know what fruits and vegetables cost in season as opposed to out of season?

10. Do you buy things to make up for hurting someone or to keep them from leaving you?

11. Are you able to save up for something special, or sometimes let loose and not worry about what something costs?

12. Are you able to go without things you would like in order to live within your means?

13. Can you live frugally and not feel deprived?

Successful Approaches to Money and Responsibility

Families I spoke to told me how they’ve taught their children about money. (I often heard from the children, too.)

1. They were open with their children about money. They might show them the bills and credit card statements, or talk about how they plan to use money. It will take us two more years to save up for a car and we’ll get a used one because it’s a better value. They explained savings accounts, the cost of credit card interest, and their long-term goals as soon as their children were old enough to understand. By the time I was a teenager, my father had explained to me that buying a house was usually the best hedge against inflation. I used his arguments to get my husband to buy a house shortly after we got married—he would have waited—and it turned out to be an excellent investment.

2. They can live on limited means with dignity and creativity. They neither complained to their children nor led them to feel anxious about money. One single woman with three children and limited means spoke of making up songs together, telling stories, buying children’s books at thrift stores, going to the library, pitching a tent in the backyard, using crepe paper to make Christmas ornaments, saving up to buy chocolate chips then making cookies. She succeeded in raising children who felt secure and not deprived.

3. Those with considerable wealth often lived modestly, imparted values of working to earn money, and did not overindulge their children. They were active in community service and deeply involved with their family.

4. The parents taught that their money belongs to the whole family—it isn’t the parents’ to have and the kids’ to receive. One man said, “If the kid dinged the car, it wasn’t that he dinged his father’s car, it was that he damaged the family’s car. It all belonged to all of us. It got repaired with family money.”

5. They let their children know when their financial situation was tight and enlisted the children’s contribution to being careful with money. They didn’t say, “You need to stop wanting so much.” Instead they said, “We have extra expenses with Grandma,” or “I’m going to school part-time, so we’re going to have to be careful and creative with money and cut back on spending. We’ll need your help.”

6. Some parents create a beautiful or artistic home, but not for the purpose of impressing the neighbors. They love to express their creativity, have fun, and enjoy the pleasure of bringing beauty to their home. Some people do this on a low budget, using secondhand furniture, or by their own effort, such as by refinishing furniture or going to estate sales. This gives an important model to the children: We can find ways to live well and be happy on a limited income.

7. The parents didn’t feel guilty setting limits about spending on luxury items. They followed the philosophy of going economy class and having their children work if they wanted extras.

8. If the children blew their allowance the parents did not bail them out.

9. They put a strong value on education; it was often their highest priority. They saved specifically so their kids could have music lessons, go to summer camp, and eventually go to college.

Teach Children to Appreciate What Parents Provide

Both of my parents expressed great appreciation of their own parents, who worked hard simply to put food on the table and to help them go to college. It was a family effort and everyone pitched in. My dad jumped trains in the summers when he was in high school to bail hay for ranchers and send the money home. Mother learned to sew her own clothes at an early age.

Parents I talked with often commented on the sense of entitlement common to the younger generation and spoke of their efforts to teach their children to appreciate the parent’s efforts and the value of work.

Carla told me, “When I was driving my son Jess to soccer, he mentioned that the neighbors paid their kid fifty cents a room to vacuum.” Without batting an eye, Carla responded, with a smile, “Okay, I’ll pay you fifty cents to vacuum and you pay me fifty cents to drive you to soccer.”

A teenage boy told me that in his family, if the kids didn’t help or got lippy, the mom would simply say, “No, I’m busy,” when he asked her to drive him to a friend’s house. The implication was clear to him, and he liked the fact that there were no lectures or yelling.

Steve told me, “We’d use the family dynamics to teach the kids about fairness. We’d pay for extra jobs, but not for cutting or stacking wood, because we all need the heat. The payoff was that they got to drive the car on a date or to a game. The family needs heat, the family needs to get places. It’s all part of working together; we all matter to each other.”

He commented that at one point, his kids still seemed to think that money grew on trees. They asked him for a computer as if it were a minor expense. To bring his point across, Steve brought home his whole paycheck in ten-, twenty- and fifty-dollar bills and dealt them out to the four kids as they sat around the dining table. He then put all the bills on the table—mortgage, utilities, insurance, and so forth. He also had a list of automatic deductions, and the contribution to the slush fund they kept for one-time expenses like new tires or house repairs. He said, “At first the kids’ eyes were popping at the sight of all that money. But as they had to pay out money for the bills, they were surprised. They had no idea how much it cost to run our household.”

Affluence, Happiness, and Sustainability: What Is Our Legacy to Our Children?

Having more and more does not really leave us feeling fuller or more fulfilled. The less we get out of what we have, the more we seem to want.

—PAUL L. WACHTEL, THE POVERTY OF AFFLUENCE: A PSYCHOLOGICAL PORTRAIT OF THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE

If we bring up children to experience that true affluence comes from a sense of belonging, developing one’s talents, and caring for others, we will stem the tide of consumerism that is unsustainable in the long run (more and more automobiles, electronic gizmos, extraction of petroleum, manufacture of plastics, etc.). It’s a conflict because we are urged to acquire more and more stuff as part of “helping the economy.” This means we are bombarded with advertisements to create cravings, which is totally antithetical to the principles of Buddhism and Quakerism.

In accordance with Gandhi’s teaching to “Live simply so others can simply live,” we need to think of simplicity not as deprivation but rather as coming back to our center, our peace of mind, and our sense of being global citizens.

In The Poverty of Affluence, Paul L. Wachtel points out that Americans doubled energy consumption between 1960 and 1990. He asks, “but did we become twice as happy?” The American form of capitalism and the sustainability of the earth are essentially incompatible. We are in a terrible spiral. The economy is based on consumerism, which is based on people feeling insecure, lonely, and unhappy, and often leads people to be stressed out, working long hours and being over their heads in debt. I believe at some level we all know this, and we will have greater peace of mind when we wake up from a kind of trance about the unsustainability of our lifestyles.

When the Buddha said, “May all people be happy,” I don’t think he meant may all people have “tons of stuff” to be happy. He didn’t say, have a big house to be happy. His teachings centered around the middle way: just enough to be comfortable coupled with truth, kindness, compassion, and inner peace.

True affluence is measured by living in community with simplicity, generosity, and love.