SO THIS WAS what married life might be like, Max thought. Easy, caring, sharing. Nothing like his parents’ relationship even before their bitter divorce. ‘Sit down and take a load off,’ he instructed Lily after a scrumptious dinner. Another string to her bow. ‘Want a hot drink?’
‘A hot chocolate wouldn’t go amiss.’ Lily glanced at him with a cheeky smile. ‘I’ve got a really sweet tooth, which is why I run.’
As if she was overweight. She looked more gorgeous than ever now her curves had filled out a little. ‘Not to keep fit, then?’ He laughed, trying to ignore the picture filling his head of Lily sprawled across his bed one night a long time ago. She’d been beautiful, and now she was even more so from what little he could see.
‘That’d be crazy. The chocolate mix is on the baking shelf in the pantry.’
‘You can find it blindfolded?’ Having light-hearted fun with Lily was a new concept, and one he liked.
‘Naturally.’ Her chair balanced on its back legs as she watched him make their drinks.
Yes, he’d join her with hot chocolate. Anything was better than going to bed alone and dreaming about what might be if he let go his determination to remain single. That determination could be his undoing—or give him something precious. As had happened with medicine. At first he’d been resolute in showing his father how he loved him and wanted the same in return, but what had happened was far better. Medicine was him, and he got so much more from it than he gave. He’d also finally won quiet approval from his father, acknowledged during the cancer battle. What might happen if he could dispel this painful need to remain single?
He might hurt someone else. That’s what.
Lily was chattering on, thankfully blind to his pain. ‘I started running in Singapore as a way of getting out and about without looking like a lost tourist. I liked getting away from being behind four walls all the time. Usually I followed the smell of street food and cancelled the plus side of running before returning to our apartment.’
He stood straighter, sucked in his gut. ‘Our apartment? You weren’t on your own?’ From what he’d heard when she’d been appointed to the medical hub, she was now.
‘I lived with my fiancé, Leo. We met at the medical centre when I moved to Singapore.’
Lived with. In the past? How far could he go with his curiosity? Why this driving need to know?
Because I like Lily a lot. Possibly more than like.
‘It didn’t work out?’
Lily’s smile flattened, her face closed. ‘Not after a while. I came home from work one night to find him all packed up, waiting to tell me he was heading home to Scotland and a woman from his past he’d been in contact with for a few months.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’ She’d been getting over another failed relationship when they’d had their fling. At first he’d wondered if he’d been mad, asking her to his home, but she hadn’t brought baggage, and had seemed instead to be happy to spend time with him. It had been beyond wonderful as he had begun to see Lily differently from the woman he’d worked with. Until the morning she’d got up and said that was the end. Talk about a sharp slap in the face. And a dent to his ego. Most of all, he’d felt he’d lost an opportunity for elusive happiness, which had only made him go even harder in locking down his dreams of love.
‘You deserve better than that.’
‘I do.’ She nodded. ‘It’s behind me and I’m not in a hurry for another relationship.’
It sounded like a warning. About what? But at least he knew. They were on similar pages regarding relationships, though for different reasons. He should be relieved, but instead his stomach sank and his heart was heavy.
Placing a steaming mug in front of her, Max sat opposite, his hands wrapped around his mug. ‘I’ve never been in a long-term relationship.’ He gulped. Lily’s truthfulness had started him talking. It was long overdue, and not as difficult as he’d have believed.
Surprise lifted her face, widened her eyes. ‘I got that wrong,’ she said. ‘I thought maybe you’d had your heart crushed and that’s why you...’ She paused. ‘Why you stuck to nothing more involved than flings.’
‘When I was training I didn’t want to get too intense with someone and find myself distracted from achieving my medical degree.’
‘You were that determined you gave up other important things to achieve it?’
‘I did. My father never had the opportunity to follow his dreams, so I felt driven to make mine come true. It was also a way to show my mother she was wrong to leave me and take my sister with her when she left Dad.’ Talk about laying his heart on the line. Now she knew more about him than any woman he’d spent time with. He should be heading down the hall to the bedroom to get away—there was a first, getting away from any woman to go to a bedroom.
He sighed. A load had lifted from his chest by telling her what lay behind his modus operandi. And to Lily, strange as it was. Or was it? When she’d been the first woman to ever have him yearning for something more, deeper, than his usual short interactions, this felt right.
‘Your parents were separated?’ Sadness blinked out of those soft eyes.
‘When I was ten. Mum felt I’d be better off raised by Dad, and not have her and my sister fluffing over me.’ It had always felt like an excuse. No one had asked him what he might want. ‘Mum didn’t move far so I visited often.’
‘But it wasn’t the same.’
‘Visiting your parent? Not at all.’
Her hand covered his for a warm moment then she gave him a break, trying to lighten the mood. ‘I was so lucky with my family. Growing up on the farm with my brothers, I was always out to prove I was as good if not better than them at getting into mischief or doing jobs around the place. There was no such thing as too heavy or too hard. I could do it.’ Her smile was wistful.
‘It was a wonderful childhood, and stood me in good stead to get through med school. Though there were times I thought I’d taken on more than I could manage, I never let anyone know.’
He’d seen that. ‘Not once in those two years in ED did I think you were struggling. Or had you found your strengths by then?’ He couldn’t quite believe this conversation with the woman he’d once believed more interested in herself than anyone else. Because she had left him, which was not the usual way flings went with him.
She was strong, tough, but there was a softness to her he’d not seen back then. Because he hadn’t wanted to? In case he felt too much for her? Or had he been so intent on getting through what he’d set out to do medically that he hadn’t stopped to really see Lily for who she was? What opportunities had he lost? Did he want to try to retrieve them? Or continue on this lonely journey to be safe? His stomach tightened painfully.
Lily cut through his dour thoughts. ‘My family’s wonderful. We’re all close. If I could have I’d have taken up farming too, but it was the one thing my father was adamant I wouldn’t do. My dad kept reiterating how I wanted to be a doctor, had done since I was a teenager. He told me it was important to follow my heart and not go into farming to prove to my brothers I could do it as well as them.’ She sipped her hot chocolate. ‘He had a point. There was a lot of that proving myself again and again in my need to stay on the land.’
‘Have you ever regretted your choice?’
‘Not once. My dad knows me well.’
‘You’re lucky.’ His father still hurt over his wife leaving him. And for him there hadn’t been a lot of sharing dreams and goals or fun times over a beer or going fishing together. He’d always wondered what he’d done wrong to be kept at a distance, but after the cancer he’d come to see that was how his dad coped with everything. But then he could say he owed his father because that’s what had made him want to prove he could be worthy of being loved and believed in. Hence the reason he’d become a doctor. What about a husband? A father?
Damn you, Lily. You’re causing havoc with my thinking.
‘I know. Which is why I’ve stood by him at the awards ceremonies. The only reason, in fact.’ She grinned, obviously unaware of the effect she was having on him. Her striking face became childlike with that grin splitting her mouth wide and her wide eyes glittering like diamonds in the sun.
‘Is it too late to apologise for being a prat?’ He grinned back, his heart pounding and his toes curling. Being so at ease with her was strange and wonderful all at once. ‘I’m serious. I wasn’t kind to you back then.’
‘If we start apologising we’ll be busy all evening, and I can think of better ways to spend the time.’
So can I. The chocolate went down the wrong way, causing him to cough. Quickly on his feet before Lily could pat his back and send his heart rate into dangerous territory, he moved away to take long, slow breaths. And swallow his rising disappointment over not being able to follow up on the longing gripping him. They were not repeating that fling. Not for anything.
He doubted he’d be able to get over it as easily as last time, and there’d been a little hitch then where he’d regretted it, so he was not getting involved with Lily. She was a colleague at the medical centre. She might want a casual relationship after her last one had gone wrong, but he already knew that wasn’t all he wanted, and getting into a serious relationship was a no-no.
A warm hand did touch his shoulder, sending heat through his tense muscles. ‘You all right?’
‘Yes.’
The hand retracted instantly. ‘Right.’ Lily walked away.
The air cooled but not his body. Come back. I’ll explain. No. He wouldn’t. He wasn’t ready. Would he ever be? Could he consider a real relationship with her? Look forward and not let the past darken his thinking? If only he could manage that. Twelve months ago he’d begun moving on a little, had started looking ahead to a bright, happy future. Then he’d had a scare and thought the cancer had returned. That had set him back, strengthened his resolve not to hurt anyone.
Now here was Lily, and he’d started looking forward with a fierce longing that grew every day. Was he being a fool to let the past dictate his future? He could live till he was eighty and regret not marrying and having a family. Or, glancing at Lily’s retreating back, he could grab the chance for happiness and run with it. Take the setbacks on the chin, like he’d done with most things all his life before this.
Lily opened her laptop and drank the last of the lukewarm chocolate while waiting for the page to come up. Max had told her more about himself than ever before. They were mostly relaxed in each other’s company.
‘Max, have you kept in touch with any of the staff we worked with in Auckland ED?’
‘We’ve all mostly lost touch.’ He was staring at his feet as he talked. ‘Everyone got involved in specialist training and then starting to build their careers, having families, buying homes.’
‘You’ve bought a property in Auckland? Got anyone living with you?’
‘I’m on my own, living in a rundown three-bed house I bought in a cul-de-sac along the road from the medical hub, and that’s going to keep me busy and happy for years to come. It’s enough.’
Something wasn’t ringing true but she couldn’t put her finger on what it might be. Was he happy? Busy? Was there anyone else in his life? She wasn’t prepared to ask more about that. ‘What about the sports side of your work? Does it take you to many matches? Rugby? Cricket? League?’
‘All of the above. I did a day at the international tennis tournament in January. Most weekends I attend at least one game of some sort, though now I’m officially the team doctor for one of the North Shore franchises I have less time for other games. Which means not a lot is getting done on the house, but...’ he shrugged ‘...it doesn’t matter. I’ll get there someday.’
Her phone rang. ‘It’s Josie. Hey, bright spark. What’s up?’
‘I’ve been talking with Ollie about his family and stuff. Lily, he’s cool. I like him more than last time we were here.’
What was she supposed to say to that?
‘He wants me to visit his house and go to the movies with him next week.’
Did kids still do that? ‘What’s wrong with watching a movie on TV?’
‘His parents and sister would be there.’
I get it. You can’t hold hands and snog.
‘This is something you’ll have to sort out with Mum and Dad.’ She was passing the buck. Her role didn’t include setting the dating rules for a demanding fourteen-year-old.
‘They’ll like Ollie so it’ll be okay.’ Josie talked on, barely taking a breath.
Lily sat listening, smiling at her niece’s exuberance for life. It was wonderful considering the setbacks she’d had over the years because of the spina bifida and people who couldn’t accept she had the same aspirations as everyone else.
‘You’ve got to meet him, Lily. You’ll like him. Everyone does. He’s so cute.’
Lily tried not to laugh. Had she been like this at fourteen? At fifteen there’d been that boy, Jeff, who’d kissed her at the school disco and she’d thought it was revolting. But then there’d been Johnny and his kisses had shown Jeff to be an amateur. She watched Max reading messages on his phone and smiled. He just did that to her. Made her feel good. Which was unexpected. Or was it? She’d been quick to offer him somewhere to stay. And equally fast to rue the invitation in case she couldn’t cope with him in her space. Yet now he was here she was happy spending time with him. Maybe she could take another chance.
Slow down, Lily.
‘Auntie, are you listening?’
‘Sure. I’ll come along during the day to watch your game.’ Concentrate.
After minutes more of Josie telling her how wonderful Ollie was, Lily finally managed to put her phone down. Dropping her head into her hands, she groaned. ‘Josie thinks she’s falling in love. At fourteen. Blimey. I need to tell my brother.’
‘No, you don’t,’ Max growled. ‘She’d never talk to you again.’
‘True. I can’t do that. I’m her trusted go-to adult when she has a fall-out with her parents. But love, at her age.’
‘Are you saying you didn’t think some knobbly-kneed guy in grey school shorts was to die for when you were that old?’
‘Johnny Barstow. He had muscular legs, good knees, and the start of whiskers on his chin.’ She began laughing.
‘Cassey Jones, long blonde hair and skinny,’ Max recounted. ‘She danced like a crazed person. Had all the guys lining up for a kiss.’ He filled a glass with water. ‘Here.’
She hiccupped and took the glass, her fingers brushing his. ‘Thanks. This is the closest I’ve been to parenting, and I’m lucky it’s funny. My brother and sister-in-law aren’t going to think so.’ Neither would she when her turn came.
‘Are they very strict?’ Max sat opposite her.
‘More likely they’ll remember themselves at high school. They met when they were sixteen and haven’t been apart since.’ She downed the water. ‘Still get on brilliantly.’
‘What about your other brother? He married?’
‘Yes, finally. His wife’s Italian and they kept seesawing between which country they’d live in if they’d actually tie the knot or stay in their respective places, if he’d give up farming when it was so important to him, if she’d give up the family bakery when there was no one else to take over.’ Lily adored Aurora and could sympathise with the decisions she and Toby had had to make.
‘Your brother would’ve given up his share of the farm for her?’
‘I believe so. But Aurora understood he’d have struggled living in Florence, and while it wasn’t easy to leave her family she has, and to her full credit she’s making a real go of being a Kiwi farmer’s wife. Her family visit often. There’s a baby on the way, too.’
‘True love by the sound of it.’ Max was looking at her with a smile. ‘They’re lucky.’
‘More than most people I know.’
What about you, Max? Has anyone tempted the heart inside that sexy chest?
What about children? That question kept popping up like she really needed to know.
Max’s phone pinged and she left him to it, occasionally glancing across while she did some work for the camp online.
Around ten, Lily yawned and stood up to stretch. ‘Think I’ll hit the sack.’ It was early for her, but her arms and shoulders still ached from the chainsawing effort yesterday. Tomorrow she’d finish stacking the wood that didn’t need to be split. ‘See you in the morning.’
Max watched her as she stretched, making even more muscles tight. ‘Don’t get up for me. I can fix my own breakfast.’ He stood.
‘I don’t lie in.’
‘See you then.’ He waited for her to move past him.
Lily hesitated and lifted her gaze to meet his. ‘Never thought I’d say this, but I’m enjoying spending time with you.’ Ouch, she shouldn’t have said it quite like that. ‘I mean...’
‘Relax. I know what you meant. It’s okay.’ His finger under her chin was warm and gentle.
When she looked deeper into his eyes a thrill rolled down her spine. She leaned closer at the same time he did. ‘Max,’ she whispered.
His mouth was close to hers, his eyes open, watching her. ‘Ah, Lily.’
Neither moved, stuck in a warm moment. Move forward and everything changed. Pull back and... She had no idea. What did she want? Right this moment she craved his kiss. Every nerve ending was crying out to be touched, to be woken up in a way she hadn’t known since last time they’d been together. Wanting to find love didn’t mean getting involved with Max. She stepped back.
Max reached for her hand, raised it to his lips to place a delicate kiss on her palm. ‘Goodnight, Lily.’ His gruff voice sent tingles of need and heat and happiness spreading through her.
That one step forward would bring her body up to his and the possibility of satisfying this continuous and growing longing he triggered in her. Pulling her hand away, she watched to see if he was upset with her for breaking contact. He didn’t appear to be, but neither did he look relieved. Was he in the same messed-up head space she was? She wasn’t waiting to find out. She might need him, but she wasn’t prepared to accept she might take another chance at love. ‘See you tomorrow.’
Charging towards her bedroom, she resisted the urge to turn around and see if he was watching her flight. Damn, damn, damn. She’d just made a mistake. Backing off had been the right thing to do, but being in that situation in the first place had been wrong. It only proved she hadn’t quite convinced herself she wasn’t going to get close to a man again. Not that she had to avoid the occasional fling to prevent going crazy with unrequited lust. But Max was not the man for that. Sure, he’d fix the lust, while removing the handbrake she’d hauled on to her future.
Closing her door with a thud, she leaned back against it to stare up at the ceiling. He was a great lover, but didn’t want a permanent relationship. Or so she’d surmised from the fact he’d never had one. She wouldn’t repeat her mistakes but hell. What to do about that sense of something more than sex and attraction that had worried her during their fling and was gnawing away now?
He hadn’t laughed at her or said she was a tease. He’d been considerate when she’d backed away just now. And disappointed.
As disappointed as the thudding behind her ribs acknowledged she was.
Lily slid down the door and pulled her knees up to her chin, wound her arms around them and closed her eyes. Max had always managed to disrupt her equilibrium one way or another. Now, when she’d decided to focus on her career and hopefully becoming a mother, he had her wondering if taking another chance on love might be worth it.
Missing pieces to her puzzle were beginning to fall into place in her heart. He understood her, knew her better for their past and wasn’t running away. She hadn’t told him her dream yet, and that could squash any feelings he might have for her. If any. She sighed. This was probably all wishful thinking.
The sand was hard after the overnight downpour. Max’s knees took a pounding as he ran along the beach, but the discomfort was worth it just to be able to breathe fresh air and clear the cobwebs from his head. It had been a restless night, evidenced by the bed cover on the floor and the sheets in a bundle around his legs when he’d woken from what little sleep he’d got. Every time he’d closed his eyes Lily had been there, her face filling his mind, allowing nothing else in. Every breath gave him a repeat of her citrus scent, making his palms tingle and his skin tighten. And more.
By being herself, she’d got to him. In a way no other woman had. She didn’t try to flatter him or fawn over him. She accepted him for who he was, or for who he showed he was. It was almost possible to imagine a relationship without instantly bringing up the shutters.
Standing with her, not kissing those full lips, not wrapping his arms around her to pull her length against him, had taken all the self-control he had and then some. He’d wanted her. Badly. His resolve not to touch her would have failed if she hadn’t pulled back when she had. Even then he’d wanted to touch her, take her in his arms, and ignore the fact she’d stopped moving towards him. The need hadn’t died down in her eyes. She’d found it no easier to walk away than him.
Which made it harder to keep his distance. Two more nights staying in her house was going to turn him into an overheated zombie. He was already tired from lack of sleep. But if he swapped with someone else at the camp Lily mightn’t talk to him again. Or she might be relieved.
‘Can I run with you?’
Max glanced sideways to the enquiring look coming from the lad who’d caught up to him. ‘Certainly.’
They fell into a rhythm and continued down the beach, getting further away from the camp. Max was impressed. The young man had a club foot yet wasn’t showing any signs of difficulty or discomfort.
‘You’re Dr Max, aren’t you? I’m Ollie.’
Max nodded. ‘You played basketball yesterday.’ Josie had been at the court, screaming encouragement at him.
‘You know Josie’s aunt, don’t you?’
‘We worked together a few years back, and are about to do so again.’ He sensed the lad wanted more than that. ‘I’m staying at her family’s beach house this week.’
‘I really like Josie a lot, and hope her aunt will be okay with us spending time together.’
‘I can’t see why not.’ It depended what they did in that time, Max mused. Not that it was his place to say so. ‘Have you met Lily?’
‘Josie’s going to introduce us today. I want her to like me or Josie might tell me to get lost.’
They’d reached the end of the beach and Max stopped, took some deep breaths and gazed across the bumpy sea. ‘From what I’ve seen, you don’t know Josie very well if you believe that.’
Ollie grinned. ‘That’s what I thought. Thanks for talking to me, Dr Max. It’s cool.’
Everyone needed to talk about personal things sometimes, and he was available for these kids this week. ‘No problem.’ Not that he’d helped solve anything but sometimes all it took was to be a good listener. If only he could download all the stuff in his head as easily. ‘Let’s go back for a shower and some breakfast.’
He had to get over this. As much as Lily attracted him, keeping his feet on the ground was imperative for his sanity. She had him talking when he never told people his deepest thoughts. It made him feel connected to her in ways he’d not known before. It went beyond the monumental physical attraction to places he wasn’t used to sharing. His ribs ached from the continuous pounding going on. Lily was special, and he was afraid. He could hurt them both if he gave in to this yearning for love. They must not have another fling. She’d had two failed relationships. He wasn’t adding to the list.
His pace picked up. His arms pumped, his head pushed forward, as he drove his body to work as hard as possible, trying to outrun the desire filling him, the longing for a normal, happy relationship. With Lily? Yes, damn it, with Lily. He stumbled, righted himself, and continued at the breakneck pace. These feelings slam dunked him again and again. The sense that they could have had more before had bloomed into a roaring awareness of everything about her. The vulnerability he’d felt back then had returned. Larger, more frightening. Had he got more to lose now?
Had he been trying too hard to remain single? But he had to. The five-year clearance from the oncologist was two years away. And when...if he did... No, damn it, when. No more negativity. His results had been all he could want so far. Constantly waiting for the axe to fall was wasting the opportunity to be happy. Okay, so when he got the final all-clear, he still wasn’t going to marry and have children. But he could have some fun. If he kept his heart out of the picture.
The path leading up to the camp buildings veered to the left. Max stopped and leaned over, hands on hips, his lungs burning as he dragged in air. So much for a cruisy run to wake himself up. He had been awake all right, just not in cruise mode. Lily Scott had got to him once more. It might not be as the result of a massive argument, or calling off their sexy nights, but her generosity, her smiles, her honesty were even more potent. Far more dangerous. Because he wanted her. All of her. And he couldn’t have her. It wouldn’t be fair. An expletive tore out of him.
‘You okay, Doctor?’ Ollie ran up the path, looking in a lot better shape than Max was.
‘Fine,’ Max croaked through a breath. Fine and dandy.
‘See you later.’ And the kid was off, making like there was nothing wrong with his foot. Which there wasn’t with his great attitude and determination.
‘Something I could learn from,’ Max conceded. ‘Thought I was meant to be helping these guys, not the other way round.’
Resilience was the catchword for the camp. Physical resilience. Peer pressure resilience. Mental fortitude to face what other people threw at them. All these teens seemed to have bags of it and yet there were times each and every one of them suffered doubts or hurt.
Straightening up, Max started walking up the path. He liked to think he was resilient, too. Growing up in his father’s house, he’d learned not to complain about his lot, to take life on the chin and get on with whatever was required. Cancer had underlined the lessons in a darker way. Now he had a future to toughen up about. He could not fall in love with Lily. Even if he’d started down the road already, he had to pull back. Now.
He’d start with a shower, breakfast and getting on with the day, making the most of everyone he interacted with, and being friendly but reserved with Lily when she came to the camp. He would not take the coward’s way out and find another bed to doss down on. He’d try not to upset Lily, but wouldn’t avoid her. They got on well when he relaxed and stopped overthinking everything.
When Lily joined him in the recreation hall for the wheelchair races she asked, looking directly at him, no expectation in her gaze, ‘Am I cooking for two tonight?’
He had moved in for the week and not turning up for dinner would be rude. And disappointing for himself. And going against what he’d intended. ‘If that’s all right?’ It seemed when it came to Lily he had no control over his tongue whatsoever.
Surprise filled her big, bright emerald eyes. ‘Good.’
His smile seemed to have become a permanent fixture. No wonder he was in trouble. Lily did this to him, no matter how strong his determination to remain aloof.