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Ryder’s eyes flew open to reveal the unfamiliar room around him. His heart thundered in his chest, skin slick with sweat, and the echo of gunfire and explosions still ringing in his ears.
His gaze darted around the room, searching for any sign of danger. But there was none. Because he was in Oregon rather than a combat zone.
He sat up and exhaled hard, running an unsteady hand over his sweaty face. Shit, that one had been a bitch.
He swallowed, the ghostly images of the dream impossible to shake loose, triggering an avalanche of memories he fought every day to keep buried. He could see his Marines’ faces so clearly in the moments before the attack. Men who’d served under him for months. Men who had trusted him with their lives.
He’d failed them, and their families. And today it was Christmas Eve. Their loved ones were facing their very first Christmas without their sons, husbands, fathers, brothers. Imagining their pain heightened his own suffering.
His stomach twisted, guilt slashing at his insides like razor blades. Why? he wanted to scream. Why was he still here when they weren’t? He’d been their captain. He should have died with the others.
He shoved off the bed as his stomach lurched, and stumbled into the en suite bathroom, immediately kneeling in front of the toilet. Tremors shook him, jolting all through his body, his breathing choppy.
Closing his eyes, he fought away the horrific images assaulting him. The screams of the wounded and dying all around him, mixed with the rattle of rifle fire. Of standing in the base hospital Emergency area, his wounded men just out of view. The staff forcing him backward, shoving him out the doors, preventing him from getting to his men. Even though he could hear two of them calling for him.
A chill snaked up his spine, bringing a hot rush of tears.
No. Stop. Stop thinking about it.
He used every trick he knew to empty his mind and focus on his breathing. As the minutes passed, gradually the horror began to fade. The shaking eased, and his stomach stopped churning. But he was clammy all over, cold.
Standing, he reached into the shower enclosure next to him and turned the water on hot. For the first time it registered how bright it was outside, silvery light coming through the window beside the sink.
He climbed in and stood under the hot spray, letting it pound over his back and shoulders in a pummeling, numbing rush. It had been a while since he’d had a nightmare that bad. This time of year was harder, the sense of loss and guilt sharper.
He didn’t deserve to still be alive. Men much better than him had died that day, and the next.
The thought kept circling in his head, torturing him as he scrubbed himself, dried off and dressed. When he picked his phone up from the dresser in the bedroom, he saw it was already past ten, and it shocked him. He hadn’t slept in that late in...years.
He grabbed a clean pullover and tugged it over his head as he walked down the hall toward the kitchen. On the way there, his gaze strayed to the closed pantry door.
He stopped in front of it. Stood there for a few moments, aware of the way his pulse sped up, his brain desperate for the relief it knew was inside. He pushed the door open, his eyes instantly moving past everything else inside, to the too-familiar bottle standing on the middle shelf in the back.
No, he told himself firmly. Don’t touch it.
Then an insidious voice whispered in his mind. Why not? No one will know. This one time more won’t hurt. It’ll help calm you. Help you forget, just for a little while.
Yeah. Once more was okay. He needed it right now. And he was alone, so no one would ever know.
He was in the act of reaching for the bottle beckoning to him when his phone started ringing, startling him. A wave of self-loathing washed over him as he realized what he’d been about to do. The weakness that had made him cave so fast.
Saved by the bell.
Seeing Jase’s name on the display, he answered, also seeing that he’d missed a call from his mom. “Hey, man.”
“Morning. You got plans today?”
“Was just about to head out for a run.” Not a total lie. He’d planned to run after he’d swallowed enough Jack to calm him down, then run later.
“Wanna meet up for some dune-buggying instead? The guys and I are finished helping our ladies get everything prepped for tonight and tomorrow, so we’re meeting down at the rental place at noon. I can pick you up on the way, say eleven-thirty?”
“What guys?”
“Beckett, Noah, and Mac.”
Ryder knew of them but hadn’t met them in person yet. Jase had served under Beckett on a SF A-team. Noah was sheriff, and Mac was a former Royal Marine.
Staring at that bottle on the shelf now, his options were clear. Stay here and fail the no-booze test he’d set for himself, possibly even get drunk in the process, or he could get the hell out of here for a while and do something while hanging out with fellow vets.
It was a no-brainer. “Sounds good to me. We have room for one more? I’d like to invite someone.”
“Yeah, sure. Who?”
“Finn, around the corner. Danae’s son.” This day and tomorrow had to be weighing on the kid as well, and from what Finn had said the other night while putting up the lights, he seemed to like and admire all the guys. He might even hero-worship them a little.
“Oh, great. See you in a bit.”
Ryder put the phone in his pocket, then stared hard at the bottle for a long moment. “I don’t need you,” he said, hoping his brain got the message.
He wasn’t an alcoholic. Wasn’t addicted to it. Even so, he’d been starting to edge that way, and it would be all too easy to slide down that slippery slope. Jase’s invitation couldn’t have come at a better time.
Standing on the front porch of Danae’s place a few minutes later, Ryder rang the doorbell and ran a hand over his close-cut hair. He’d come to invite Finn, but he was also hoping to see Danae. Her car was in the driveway, so she was probably at home.
She pulled the door open moments later, standing there in dark jeans and a form-fitting, raspberry-red sweater that hugged her trim figure and pert breasts. Her dark brown hair was pulled up into a messy bun at the top of her head, and the greeting smile she gave him made his heart kick against his ribs. “Hi.”
Man, she was gorgeous. Those light eyes of hers were damn near hypnotic. “Hi. Is Finn working today?”
Her smile faded, replaced by surprise. “No, he’s in his room. Probably still asleep. Want me to go get him?”
He should have called or texted instead of coming over, but he’d wanted an excuse to see her. “I can text him.”
“Don’t be silly. Come in.” She stepped back and waved him inside, and he caught the rich scent of coffee on the air. “I’m just having my first cup of the day. Want one?” she said as she headed for the kitchen.
“Love one. Just black.”
“Black it is.”
He couldn’t help staring at her ass as she walked in front of him. Trim but still curved and shapely, and it made him picture what her long legs would look like bare. Wrapped around his waist, or his shoulders while he held her hips steady and got her off with his tongue.
Oblivious to his thoughts, she poured him a mug at the counter and passed it over, her pale blue eyes lit up like stained glass shards in the morning light coming through the kitchen windows. “Happy Christmas Eve.”
“Same to you.” He clinked mugs with her, already feeling better, the memories and thoughts that had plagued him earlier vanishing like fog in the sunlight. He hadn’t needed booze. He’d just needed to spend five minutes in her warm, calm presence.
“Have any special plans with Molly today?” she asked, taking a sip.
“Maybe later tonight. First, I’m heading out with the guys for a while. I came over to invite Finn, if he wants to come hang with us. I’d have him back in plenty of time for dinner.”
A soft, grateful smile lit up her face. “Oh, that’s so sweet of you. I’ll go tell him.”
“Naw, it’s okay. Let me text him and see if he’s even awake.” He pulled out his phone and sent off a quick one-handed text. You up? I’m in the kitchen with your mom.
He’d just slid it into his pocket when it chimed with an answer.
Hey. Gimme two minutes.
He grinned at Danae. “That got him up and moving.”
“It’s a Christmas miracle,” she teased.
Sure enough, after only a few sips of coffee, a door opened down the hall. Heavy, flat-footed treads followed, then Finn appeared in the kitchen doorway dressed in boxers and what Ryder guessed was his dad’s Marine Corps T-shirt, eyes bleary, longish hair standing up all over the place.
“Late night?” Ryder asked.
Finn grunted and crossed his arms. “Took me a while to get to sleep. What’s up?”
“Jase and the guys invited me out for some dune-buggying. You interested?”
The sleepy look disappeared instantly, his lips curving into a grin. “You serious?”
“Yeah. I don’t know if you’re old enough for the rental place to let you drive your own, but you can ride with me. Jase is coming by in an hour. That work?”
He looked at his mom, then back at Ryder, the grin stretching into a smile wide enough to show teeth. “Yeah, it works,” he said enthusiastically. “I’ll go hit the shower.”
As Finn hurried to the bathroom, Danae set her mug down and leaned against the counter to smile at Ryder. “This is really nice of you.”
He shrugged. “I like him. And I thought it...might be good to get him out and take his mind off everything today for a bit.”
Her expression sobered. “I think you’re right. It’s been a few years, but Christmas and birthdays are always the hardest now.”
He was learning that firsthand. “How are you doing? This year.”
She blinked as though his question had surprised her. It bothered him that she didn’t have anyone to look out for her except for the friends she’d made here. “Better than last year, and a lot better than the year before that. But sometimes it still hits me hard. A movie on TV, or a decoration I pull out of a box. Little things. And boy, I miss how Terry didn’t mind being the bad cop with Finn when he needed to. I hate that role.”
He nodded, fighting the urge to reach out and touch her. To cup the velvety softness of her cheek and draw her closer, get lost in the crystalline depths of her eyes before covering those lush pink lips with his. “What made you want to become a vet tech?”
“I love animals. Always have. Originally, I had my heart set on vet school, but then I got pregnant with Finn and wanted a program that took less time and cost less, so vet tech it was. I love my job and it pays the bills, so it all worked out, and Sierra and I both do some volunteer work with the local shelter. Do you like animals?”
“Yeah, I like ‘em. Haven’t had many pets, though, except for a cat when I was little.”
“I want to get us a cat. Whenever I go to the shelter, I keep waiting for a middle-aged or senior cat to come in for me to adopt. But I wanted to get us settled here more before I introduce another family member.”
He nodded. She’d said it had been three years since her husband died. Had she dated at all since then? Was she even interested in it now? He thought she was attracted to him, but...
Her phone rang. She picked it up from the counter, shot him a guilty look. “It’s my mom. I should probably take this, or she’ll think I’m dead in a ditch somewhere.”
“My mom’s the same. Go ahead.” He leaned against the counter to drink his coffee, listening to the sound of her voice as she walked into the other room. There was something soothing about it, matching her practical, put-together and responsible character. The way she spoke was unrushed. Calm.
He closed his eyes, let her voice flow over him. Within moments he began to notice the knot of guilt still lodged in his chest easing.
She was still talking to her mom when Finn came back in five minutes later, dressed and ready to go, hair damp from a shower. “You been dune-buggying before?” he asked Ryder.
“Since I was a kid. We’ve got great dunes close to where I grew up back in North Carolina.”
“Cool. I’ve never done it, but always wanted to.”
“It’ll be fun.”
Finn nodded, his excitement clear in his eyes, and Ryder was glad to see it. “You met the other guys yet?”
“Nope, but I’ve heard lots about ‘em.”
“They’re all former military, except for Noah, but he grew up with Beckett, so he’s just as good at stalking and shooting as the rest of them.”
The kid seemed to really admire and respect people who had served. “You ever think you might want to enlist after you graduate?”
“I’ve thought about it. Still not sure yet. I’m thinking of doing something with computers for my career. Programming or whatever. Maybe animation.”
The two of them talked for a while longer, then Danae finally came back into the kitchen. Ryder had never dated a single mom before, preferring to avoid the complication that kids brought, but Danae and Finn had changed his thinking about that. He was damn tempted to ask her out.
You won’t be here long enough to give her anything more than a few rolls in the hay. She deserves a lot more than that, and she might not be ready. Cool down, Marine.
Chastened, he focused on the conversation between her and Finn, unable to stop watching her. Every minute he spent in her company, he felt more drawn to her. He wanted more. More time with her. Getting to know her better. Find out what she liked to do, what made her laugh.
Find out what it took to make her melt under his kisses, his touch.
Before he knew it, his phone was ringing. Jase.
“Where you at?” Jase asked him. “I’m parked out front, but you’re not here.”
“I’m over at Danae’s. Finn’s gonna join us.”
“Great. Be there in a sec.”
Danae walked them to the door. She handed Finn his jacket, then fished a knit cap and a pair of gloves from a basket under the bench for him. “Have fun, but be careful if you drive,” she told him.
“Mo-o-o-o-m,” he groaned, rolling his eyes.
“What? I’m your mother, I can’t help it.” She reached up to tug the cap over his head, grinned, and wrapped her arms around his ribs. “Finn,” she admonished when he stood there awkwardly. “Hug your mother.”
Scowling, he gave her a quick pat on the back and immediately lowered his arms. Ryder bit back a grin.
Danae stepped back, giving Ryder a shrug. “Gotta steal hugs where I can these days.”
He’d hug her gladly. Hold her as long as she wanted him to. And give her a whole lot more than that besides.
A horn honked outside. “And you be careful too,” she told him with a saucy smile. “You bring my boy home in one piece. Dinner’s at six.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He stepped past her, froze for a second when she placed a hand on the middle of his back, rubbing gently.
Their eyes met. Held.
If Finn hadn’t been standing right there, Ryder would have turned and pulled her flush to him. Would have wrapped his arms around her and held that lithe body against his, then lower his head to nuzzle the side of her neck, breathe in her delicate scent like he had when she’d tripped at the base of the ladder.
She lowered her hand, gave him a smile that seemed a little startled, as if she’d been caught off guard by the spark between them just now. “See you later.”
“You can count on it,” he said, enjoying the way her lips parted in surprise to his words.
