God’s coming to earth says to each of us, “Regardless of your sin I will give my life to redeem you.” That kind of unconditional acceptance is the basis for a relationship with God that is both intimate and secure. But that Godlike acceptance isn’t just for God to express to us—he wants us to express that same kind of acceptance toward others.
Paul the apostle exhorts us to “accept each other just as Christ has accepted you; then God will be glorified” (Romans 15:7). God did not wait until we were believing right or living right before he invited us into a relationship with him; he gave himself for us “while we were still sinners” (Romans 5:8). That is a key message Jesus was conveying in the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15. It was the response of the Father—a response of unconditional acceptance. Yes, the son came back home…but only to ask to live as a servant, not as a son. The father, however, was “filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him” (Luke 15:20). The father broke the custom of the day, took the initiative toward the wayward boy, and unconditionally received him with all the rights of sonship. That is true, Godlike acceptance.
If we are to live out Godlike acceptance in our lives, we must learn to accept others for who they are, no matter what.
If we are to live out Godlike acceptance in our own lives, we must learn to accept others for who they are, no matter what. Then God will be glorified, and others will experience a relational connection that reflects Christ’s connection to us. And that kind of connection will foster the joy of secure relationships and will help us to pass on our faith to others.
Accepting others as Christ accepts us means we must take the time to be with people.
The pressure was on. The book deadline was fast approaching, and I (Josh) needed to focus on writing and editing. Although the memory of this experience takes me back more than 30 years, I recall it vividly. I was right in the middle of editing a chapter when two-year-old Sean wandered in.
“Want to play, Daddy?” he chirped expectantly.
As an experienced parent (we had already been through the two-year-old stage with Kelly), I should have realized that Sean really wanted only a hug, a pat, and a minute or two to show me the new ball he was carrying. But I was working on an “important” chapter and felt I just didn’t have even two minutes to spare.
“Son, how about playing a little later?” I replied. “I’m right in the middle of a chapter.”
Sean didn’t know what a chapter was, but he got the message. Daddy was too busy, and he’d have to leave now. He trotted off without complaining, and I returned to my manuscript. But my relief was short-lived. Dottie soon came in and sat down for a “little chat.”
She began, “Honey, Sean just told me you were too busy to play with him. I know that this book is important, but I’d like to point something out.”
“What is that?” I asked rather impatiently, because now my wife was keeping me from my all-important project.
“Honey, I think you have to realize that you are always going to have writing to do, and you are always going to have deadlines. Your whole life will be researching and doing similar projects. But you’re not always going to have a two-year-old son who wants to sit on your lap and ask you questions and show you his new ball.”
“I think I hear what you’re saying,” I said, “and you make a lot of sense as usual. But right now I’ve got to finish this chapter.”
“All right, Josh,” she said. “But please think about it. You know, if we spend time with our kids now, they will spend time with us later.”
I did think about it, and the more I thought, the more Dottie’s gentle words were like a knife slicing me to the core. She was right. I would always have deadlines to meet, contracts to fulfill, phone calls to answer, people to see, and trips to take. But my children would only be children for a short time. Soon the years would sweep by. Would I have any more time for them next year than I did this year?
I knew what the answer would be if I didn’t change my ways. Quietly, without any big speeches or fanfare, I made a decision. I took Sean out in the yard and tossed the ball with him for a while. Ever since, I have tried to place my children ahead of my contracts, deadlines, and the clamor of a world that wants me to get back to them ASAP. And it has paid off.
I (Sean) have often been the beneficiary of Josh’s decision. I don’t remember that day when my dad didn’t take time with me. I was too young to remember it. But I do remember my dad doing his best to plan his speaking schedule around my basketball games and working hard to be involved in my life, as well as the lives of my sisters. The older I get, the more I appreciate the sacrifice my father paid to build a relationship with me—especially now that I have my own family. He refused to sacrifice his family on the altar of success, fame, or popularity. This doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard, at times, having a father who was so busy and who traveled so much. I missed him often—badly. What got me through was knowing how passionately he loved us kids, as well as my mom’s unwavering commitment to our family and to God’s call on my father’s life.
To demonstrate that you accept a child, a spouse, or a loved one for who they are involves taking the time to be there for them when they need you.
I (Josh) remember talking to one father who told me that he had taken time to spend it with his son, but he now regretted it. The son and father did not maintain a good relationship, and he saw the time with his son as a big failure. “What did you do together?” I asked.
“Well, I love to golf,” he said, “so I took him golfing and it was a disaster.”
“Does your son like to golf?” I inquired.
“No, but I do,” he responded.
The Incarnate One stepped into our world; he did not demand that we enter his. He came to us and accepted us in order to deal with our problem. We too must enter the world of others and focus on their interests and issues if they are going to sense we love and accept them. You can’t do this without truly coming to know the other person. If people you care about could verbalize this deep longing to be loved for who they are, it might sound like this: “I long for you to take thought of me and enter my world—to show an interest in what I do and what I like, to care about my dreams and aspirations. But it doesn’t help me if you enter my world just because I want you to; it has meaning if you do it only because you want to, because you truly love and accept me for who I am.”
Dottie, who is my (Sean’s) mother, tells a story of what her own mother did to enter her world and accept her imaginative spirit when she was a little girl. She tells it in her own words:
As a little girl, my hero was Peter Pan. Just hearing the story took my breath away. I spent much of my playtime living and reliving each scene, and I couldn’t get enough of it. Each time I dreamed about the boy who could fly, I felt inspired and energized.
I remember clearly the day I wandered down into our basement when I was about five years old. I spotted a box of Ivory Snow, a popular laundry detergent in those days, next to my mother’s washing machine. In my well-developed imagination, each handful of soap flakes looked like the pixie dust that Tinker Bell sprinkled on Wendy, Michael, and John to enable them to fly. Thrilled at the prospect, I decided to relive the Tinker Bell scene. I’ll never forget the exhilaration I felt as I took handfuls of “pixie dust” and sprinkled them generously throughout the entire basement. It was a magical moment in my young life.
When I was done, everything in the basement was covered with soap. When my mom discovered what I had done, she listened to my explanation, lovingly understood my childish fantasy, and recognized how much the experience meant to me. Instead of reacting in anger or frustration at the mess I had created, she laughed with me and encouraged me to repeat the whole story of Peter Pan to her. Later, still in a lighthearted mood, we cleaned up the enormous mess together.
What did this experience communicate to me? It assured me that my mom accepted me and my wild imagination. She unselfishly chose to encourage my childish dreams and that made me feel accepted. I shall never forget it!
Even as an adult my mother would dream my dreams with me, wanting to know every detail and delighting in every interest that I pursued. Mom is with the Lord now. But her interest in knowing the details of my pursuits communicates that she accepted me for who I am. And it has taught me how to demonstrate acceptance of my husband, children, and those around me.
We all have the need for others to accept us for who we are, “warts and all.” Genuine acceptance is able to separate the person from his or her behavior, just as Christ loves and accepts us in spite of our sin.
At its core, the need for acceptance may sound something like this: “Please allow me to make mistakes, and love me anyway. I know I’m not perfect, but I need you to look beyond my failures and imperfection and love me for who I am. I always need ten times more positive feedback than constructive criticism.”
When someone you love does something different from how you would do it or makes a costly mistake, acceptance will focus on the person you love, not the difference or the failure. Godlike acceptance says: “Even if nothing about you changed, I would love you anyway”; “I want to know how you’re feeling, because how you feel is important to me”; “I’m so proud of how you handled that situation”; “What happened to the car in the fender-bender isn’t important—I’m just glad you’re all right, because you are the one who matters to me.”
After a disagreement or a clash of wills, it’s likely that your acceptance needs to be expressed again. This might take the form of fixing a person a favorite meal, sending a bouquet of flowers, or any outward expression that communicates, “We may not always see eye to eye, but I always love you.”1
As a teacher, I (Sean) would sometimes ask my freshman students to write journals. I will never forget the words of one young girl as she wrote about her relationship with her parents. She said, “If my parents were more understanding and forgiving, I think I would get in less trouble.” In other words, understanding expresses care, love, and relationship, and reaching out in relationship causes the other person to reciprocate by loving in return, which means wanting to please. This is why Solomon said, “Good understanding wins favor” (Proverbs 13:15 NIV). The more we take the time to understand another person, the more accepted he or she feels. The Incarnate One who entered our world and accepted us without condition is our perfect role model.
The Christmas season provides rich opportunities each year to focus on the awesome truth of the incarnation—“God wants to have a relationship with you!” Here are some practical ways to accomplish that goal.
While trimming the tree. Some people say that the Christmas tree tradition began when Martin Luther, struck by the beauty of a forest of starlit fir trees, brought one indoors and decorated it with candles to remind his children of God’s creation. When you and your family are trimming your Christmas tree, you can have this conversation:
Ask, “What can the lights on the tree tell us about the meaning of Christmas?” After fielding questions, turn off the Christmas lights on the tree and say, “This is what all of us are like without Jesus—empty bulbs without light or life.” Turn on the lights and say, “This is what all of us are like when we make a relational connection to God. He gives life and light to all who believe in Christ as their Savior. When you see the Christmas tree lit up, think of the true meaning of Christmas—that God sent his Son to earth because he wants so very much to have a relationship with you.”
Ask, “What can the evergreen tree tell us about the meaning of Christmas?” After the answers and discussion say, “You know that the leaves of other trees turn brown and die in the fall. But the evergreen tree never turns brown. Its leaves remain green year round. Before Christ was in our lives, we were like other trees. We could never live forever. But because of Christ we have the promise of eternal life. When you see the evergreen tree, remember that Christ came so that you can remain alive forever if you have a relationship with him.”
On singing or hearing Christmas music. Christmas music is an excellent tool to reinforce the meaning of the incarnation. When the word Immanuel is used in a song, ask what the word means. Explain that Christ was called Immanuel, meaning “God is with us,” because Jesus is God who came to live with us. And why did Jesus come to earth? He came to offer himself as a sacrifice so we could have a relationship with God.
When hearing “Silent Night,” ask, “What does it mean that Jesus was a ‘holy infant so tender and mild’?” This phrase gives you the opportunity to point out that Jesus was the “holy infant” because his birth father was not Joseph but rather the Holy God of the universe. Thus, Jesus was born of a virgin, with God as his birth father.
When hearing “Angels We Have Heard on High,” ask, “Why did the angels sing ‘Gloria in excelsis deo’?” Explain that the phrase means “Glory to God in the highest” and explain that the angels sang it because it was a most glorious day when God became a human being as part of his wonderful plan to restore us to a relationship with him.
When “decking the halls.” Young people generally love Christmas and all the decoration that accompanies the season. They may not, however, give much thought to the deeper reasons for decorating with garlands, tinsel, and other decorations. Use the time of decorating your home or youth-group meeting place or church to emphasize the purpose of the decorations. “We decorate our homes and buildings to express how very thankful we are that God did what he did in sending Christ to earth so we can enjoy a relationship with God.”
Write a Christmas card to Jesus. Christmas cards are used primarily to express holiday wishes and sentiments to one another. But you can also use cards to teach young people the relational meaning of Christmas. Ask them to write a card to Jesus, expressing their thankfulness for his becoming human and for what he says to them through the incarnation.
The basic message of the card should be, “Thank you for accepting me unconditionally.” Ask the kids to express in their own words how they feel about God’s accepting them regardless of whether they are rich or poor, good-looking or plain, popular or not, smart or ordinary, successful or not. Suggest: “First, tell Jesus that you know that he sees and knows everything you do and think (good or bad), yet he accepts you just the way you are. And then tell Jesus how that makes you feel. Thank him for accepting you without any conditions.”2