Chapter 15

Anna

Hotel Ottawa
1897

I stop at the hotel’s front desk as I do every morning after breakfast to see if there is any mail from home. The clerk hands me a book-sized parcel wrapped in brown paper. “Package for you, Miss Nicholson.” I thank him and sit down on the front porch to open it. Inside is a Bible. It must be the one Derk promised to bring me. I leaf through it, excited about the prospect of reading it. Back home, I had just finished reading the Gospel of Matthew, so I turn to the book of Mark, starting with chapter one. I’m in the middle of an intriguing story about a group of men who cut a hole in the roof so Jesus could heal their paralyzed friend, when I see Derk getting the boats ready down by the pier. I hurry across the dewy grass to thank him for the Bible and to ask him about the Dutch phrase I had remembered—at least I assume it’s Dutch. Maybe it’s gibberish.

“Good morning, Derk. Thank you so much for the Bible,” I say, holding it up.

“You’re welcome. Beautiful day, isn’t it? The wind is perfect for sailing.” The boat he’s standing in rocks back and forth as he gestures broadly to the cloudless blue sky. The motion doesn’t seem to faze him.

“Yes. It is beautiful.” I don’t want to talk about the weather. I can make inane conversations anytime I want to, back home. “I need to ask you something. Can you spare a moment?”

“Of course.” He steps off the tottering boat and onto the dock, never faltering or losing his balance. It seems like an appropriate picture of a man of faith, able to stand firm when rocked by the storms of life. I long for that certainty and stability. “What’s your question?” he asks.

What I want to ask him seems silly now, but I plunge ahead just the same. “I remembered another strange phrase yesterday, and I wondered if it might be Dutch: ‘Ik hou ook van jou.’”

He grins and his tanned cheeks turn faintly pink. “I love you, too.”

“I knew it!” I fairly shout the words. “But how? Where did I learn to say it? I asked my mother about the nanny who raised me when I was small, and she said her name was Bridget O’Malley.”

“Definitely not Dutch.”

His grin makes me smile briefly in return. “I’ve thought and thought about who might have taught me those words, but I can’t think of a soul. I was never very close to any of our servants—and none of them would have said ‘I love you’ to me or called me ‘darling.’ It’s a mystery that keeps growing, and it bothers me more and more. William said the castle church was making me crazy, and sometimes I wonder if he was right.”

“He isn’t, Anna. When people lose their minds, they don’t suddenly start speaking a foreign language. You must have learned those phrases somewhere. But I agree that it’s a mystery. I don’t suppose many people in Chicago speak Dutch, do they?”

“No one I recall meeting.” I hear shouts and children’s laughter behind me and turn to see two young boys hurtling toward the dock. They ignore their father’s order to slow down, and Derk barely manages to catch one of the boys before he tumbles into the swaying rowboat. I move away to let Derk do his job and sit down on the bench near the water to continue reading the Bible. I’m so intrigued by the story of how Jesus healed a man with a withered hand that I don’t notice Derk approaching until he halts beside me.

“I’m sorry we were interrupted,” he says. “Things get really busy for me when the lake is this beautiful.”

“I understand. Can I ask you something else?”

“Of course.”

“I’ve been thinking about the advice you gave me the other day, that I should find answers to all my questions before I commit to marriage. The problem is, I can’t even put my questions into words. I mean . . . I don’t understand how the two churches in Chicago can be so different if they’re both Christian. The one my family attends makes God seem distant and a little scary, while the castle church insists that He’s kind and loving. In our church, God seems to treat us the way my father treats our servants, making sure they do what they’re told and that they measure up to his standards if they want to win his approval. In the castle church, the pastor insists that God loves us the way my father loves me, that he hopes I’ll do the right thing but is quick to forgive me when I do something wrong. Which picture of God is the right one?”

Derk scratches his chin. I can tell that he wants to sit down beside me while we talk, but he glances over his shoulder at the dock and decides not to. “Well, maybe a little of each. I believe that God is a father who loves us, but that doesn’t mean we should just live any way we want to. We show that we love Him in return by obeying what the Bible teaches us. Jesus said that if we love Him, we’ll keep His commandments. He paid a huge price, suffering and dying in our place so we could be adopted into the family of God.”

The word adopted unnerves me. Ever since yesterday, I’ve allowed the anger I felt toward my mother for reading my diary to distract me from the terrible truth she revealed. I was abandoned. My real mother abandoned me. Whoever she was, she didn’t want me. No one knows where I came from—or who I really am.

“Anna? . . . Anna, are you all right? Did I say something wrong?”

I look up at Derk through my tears. “No . . . no, you didn’t. I . . . I just need some time to think. Thank you again for the Bible.” I clutch it to my chest as I struggle to my feet and hurry away. I end up walking all the way to the sandy beach on Lake Michigan without stopping. I have no blanket or chair to sit on when I get there, so I sink down in the soft, warm sand and stare out at the rippling lake without really seeing it.

Does William know that I am adopted? And that my mother abandoned me? Would it change his opinion of me if he did?

I sit motionless for a long time as if in a trance, oblivious to the laughter and activity all around me or the gentle shushing of the waves. The spell is finally broken by a piercing whistle as a train arrives at the station behind the hotel. In a moment, passengers will pour onto the platform to spend a day at the lake or to stay at the resort. I’ve watched them do it every day at lunchtime. The beach will soon be crowded with vacationers, the hotel will house hundreds of new guests for the night—yet I feel utterly alone. Abandoned.

I remain where I am for a while longer, waiting for the crowds to disperse from the train platform, picturing Derk and the other porters scrambling to help guests with their baggage. The locomotive blasts its whistle a second time as it prepares to follow the shoreline of Black Lake back into Holland. I finally rise and return to my room, quietly unlocking the door in case Mother is napping.

I hear voices coming from her room. One of them is a man’s. For a moment, I can’t seem to breathe. Then I recognize my father’s voice, talking in hushed tones. I quietly tiptoe to the adjoining door to listen, aware that it’s wrong but not really caring. Didn’t Mother invade my privacy yesterday?

“Anna is asking a lot of questions,” I hear Mother say. “She’s curious about her parents. Perhaps it’s time you told her.” My heart races faster.

“Told her what?” Father says. “I don’t know anything about her parents, you know that.”

“You could tell her how you found her. How she came to us.”

“I don’t think that’s wise. Look, the important thing is for all of us to return home and straighten things out with William and his family.”

“But Anna still isn’t sure she wants to marry him. I don’t want her to be unhappy.”

“I don’t, either, of course. But there’s a problem, Harriet. I’ve had some unfortunate business losses. I need to stay in the bank’s good graces if I want to come through this crisis in one piece.”

“What are you saying?” Mother’s voice is shrill with fear. “You’re scaring me, Arthur!”

“Now, now . . . I don’t mean to frighten you.” I picture him patting her hand to soothe her. “It’s just that my finances are a bit tight at the moment. I need William’s family to continue extending credit to me, and I’m worried that they may not do it if there are hard feelings about this broken engagement.”

“Would they do that?”

“Who knows what might happen? I’m certain that my business can weather this storm provided I can get special consideration from the bank. Anna’s marriage to William would ensure that.”

“Arthur! You wouldn’t use our Anna this way.”

“I’m not using her! She told us she was in love with William. They were engaged to be married. What happened between them is just a silly misunderstanding. I’m simply trying to get the wedding back on track. I know Anna will have a wonderful life with William. You know it, too.”

“Yes. That’s true. But the other day when she was out of her room I had a chance to read her diary. She is unhappy about a lot of things right now, Arthur. I’m not sure we should pressure her to marry.”

“I’m not pressuring her. But our daughter is immature and naïve. We’ve spoiled her a bit too much, and she can act very childish at times. She needs to grow up and settle down. William and his family will give her everything she could ever dream of. And more. Isn’t that what we want for Anna? Isn’t that what every parent wants for the child they love?”

“You’re right, you’re right. . . . Listen, we should go find her and tell her you’re here. She’ll be so surprised.”

I back away from the door as quickly as I can and leave my room so they won’t know I’ve been listening. I race down the steps and sink into the first empty chair I find on the front porch. Then I try to look surprised when Mother finds me and says, “Anna, look who came to see us.”

“Father!” I go to him and feel his strong arms surrounding me. His embrace reminds me of my nightmare and the reassurance I always feel in my dream when he keeps me safe above the surging waves. I inhale the scent of cigars on his linen suit coat. “What are you doing here, Father? I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I decided to visit for the weekend so I could escort you home. Since you’ll be returning by train, I traveled that way, too, so I could help you make all the right connections.”

He would never tell me the truth about why he really came or confide in me about his financial problems the way he had with Mother. Even so, I love my father, and I know I need to help him. For my parents’ sakes, I need to marry William.