Amy closed her eyes, expecting Gabe’s lips to touch her own. Instead, he loosened his hold and leaned into the soft cushions of the couch. She shifted and rested her head against his shoulder. If only he had kissed her, maybe she could have told him how much she had missed him. How much she loved him.
But fairy-tale romances only came true in fairy tales. In real life, people made a mess of their lives, and then, when Prince Charming finally showed up, it was too late to be his princess.
At least now she’d heard his story from his own enticing lips. Unfortunate as it was, the sad tale seemed the safest topic of conversation as long as she was nestled in his arms.
“I’m sorry your cousin died,” she said. “But I don’t believe it was your fault. None of it.”
“Maybe not. But I carry the guilt.”
“I understand that. But nothing you do now will change what happened.”
“Isn’t that true for you too?”
She sighed heavily. “I suppose so. But somehow I keep hoping for . . . ”
“What?”
“What would you want to be different?”
“Almost everything.”
“Even this?” He pressed his jaw against her temple. “I like sitting here with you.”
She liked it too. But she didn’t believe they could begin again, that they had a chance for a different story.
Things might have been different if they had stayed in touch with one another. Maybe even if she’d come home for Rusty’s funeral.
If their paths had crossed then, perhaps both their stories would be different.
Now it was too late. She couldn’t tell him she’d lied about not remembering him. It had been such a stupid lie, but she was stuck with it. She couldn’t tell him she’d arranged the date with Logan because she was mad he had other plans for the 4th. That said nothing good about her.
She didn’t even want to ask him about this Ellen anymore. Not when he was here with her. Maybe Ellen was simply an old friend. After all, he’d said something about her having kids. Maybe she was Tess’s friend instead of Gabe’s.
She was clutching at straws, but at least she recognized that was what she was doing. She should have simply asked AJ. But then he’d know she was interested in Gabe. Though he obviously already knew that.
Her mind seemed to go around in circles. Couldn’t she put all the craziness away for a little while and just enjoy cuddling with Gabe while the lightning flashed and the thunder crashed outside? They were cozy together on the couch with the warm aroma of simmering chili wafting from the kitchen.
The hours would pass quickly enough. Gabe would go home, and their lives would continue on their separate paths.
“How long do you plan to stay with Tess?” she asked.
“I guess until I find a steady job.”
“Maybe I can help. I know a lot of people. What do you want to do?”
“Nothing that involves a desk. Or eight hours within the same four walls.”
“That’s the life of most of the people I know.”
“I’m sorry for them.”
“Don’t be. They certainly aren’t. Besides, they don’t necessarily stay in their offices all day. They go to meetings. Out to lunch. Things like that.”
“Meetings.” Gabe made a disgruntled sound. “I bet you thrived on them.”
“Depends on who else was involved,” she said with a teasing haughty air. “Once in a while we even accomplished something worthwhile.”
“And other times?”
“Maybe not so much.” They were silent for a moment, then she asked, “Don’t you like working with Paul and Jason?”
“Actually, I do. But neither of them need anyone full-time. And while the pay is adequate for now, it’s less than what I need if I’m going to make a life for myself.”
“Do you want to stay around here?”
“Maybe. It’s nice being with Tess, and everyone else has made me feel welcome. I’ve appreciated that.”
“You do seem to fit right in. Better than I do.”
“What makes you say that?”
“I’m just not sure the country life is for me. I don’t want to garden or raise chickens. Even Brett is talking about getting hens for the eggs. It’s unbelievable.”
Gabe laughed. “I don’t think you have to do either of those things if you don’t want to. Don’t you like it here in your hideaway?”
“I love it here. But that’s different.”
“Why?”
“This was Gran’s place. And then AJ’s. It’s familiar and it’s safe.”
“Safe?”
“Shut away from the world the way it is, hardly anyone even knows it’s here. But it’s more than that. It has a spirit about it, don’t you think? As if all the times Gran stayed here and all the time AJ lived here, most of the memories are happy ones. So the cottage is happy.”
She laughed at her rare fancifulness. Maybe she’d spent too much time in The Silmarillion lately. “I’m not explaining it very well, and I don’t mean to sound mystical. But the cottage has a personality, and I love it for that.”
“I agree. Places do have personalities, feelings about them. Think about going into a prison. It’s an institution with metal doors, harsh lighting. The cells are small, but there’s nothing cozy about them.” He snorted. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to talk about that again.”
“What you’ve gone through isn’t fair. Not when you didn’t do anything.”
“At least it’s over now.”
She sat up and gazed into his eyes. “It is over, Gabe. You’re free now, and you can do anything you want.”
“Except that I can’t. I can’t go back into the military. In some states I can’t vote. I can’t even apply for a job without admitting I’m a felon. Right now, my options don’t seem like much.”
“Are you worried?”
“Sometimes.” Gabe squirmed. “I think we’ve talked enough about me. What about you? Are you planning on going back to a desk and an office and meetings and lunches?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do. Not anymore.”
“What changed?”
“I guess I did. At least, I’m trying to.”
“Because of your eating”—he hesitated—“issues?”
He’d told her his story. She might as well tell him at least a little bit more of hers.
“Before I went to the clinic, I ended up in the hospital. At first, I didn’t want to face the truth about what happened. But I was scared. I knew girls in college who slid too far into that abyss. Who almost died because they couldn’t bear to swallow even one calorie.”
She pulled her knees close to her body and slid a strand of hair through her fingers. “I didn’t want to end up like that, so I sought help.”
“That took a lot of courage.”
“I don’t know about that. Brett gave me all these pamphlets and brochures to look through. I finally admitted myself into a place so he’d leave me alone.”
“He loves you,” Gabe said. “It must have been hard for him to see you hurting and not be able to help.”
“It was,” she admitted. “And you’re right. He does love me.” He and AJ were probably the only ones who really did. “Brett was going through a hard time then too. Last summer wasn’t the easiest year of our lives, though I guess good things came from it.”
“How’s that?”
“AJ found Jonah. Brett met Dani.” She smiled broadly. “And look at them now. A couldn’t-be-happier family.” The same with AJ, Shelby, and their girls. Amy was the only one left out. The only one without someone to call her own.
Ironically, the man she wanted was right beside her. Despite his own past struggles, he was an honorable man, a loyal man. He’d be so disappointed if he knew all the things she’d done, the kind of life she’d been living before she’d gone into treatment.
This Ellen, who wasn’t afraid of horses, who would ride with him back to the springs, was probably more his type. At his age, he might be happy with his own ready-made family. No wonder he needed more than a couple of part-time farming jobs to make his way in the world. He needed money to support a wife and her children. If Amy felt anything for him at all, any lingering affection or respect, she needed to let him go.
As hard as it was, she couldn’t hold on to him for her own selfish purposes.
Not this time. Not with Gabe.
An ache settled into her heart just thinking about how much he could be hurt by someone with her cavalier attitude. She had to be sure this relationship stayed in the “just friends” category no matter how much she might want it to become something else. The hurt expanded, pressing against her chest.
Was this what it meant to love someone? To really, truly love someone?
“You are so beautiful,” he said. “I can’t believe you aren’t married.”
Startled by his unexpected change of subject, Amy said the first words that popped into her head. “I don’t think I’ll ever marry.”
“Never?” His fingers trailed along her arm. “Don’t you want to fall in love with someone? Have a family?”
She studied his face, then shifted to gaze out the long row of windows at the relentless storm. “I loved someone once. A long time ago. But our lives went in different directions.”
Gabe was silent for a moment, then he cleared his throat. “What if your paths crossed again?”
His question, laden with unspoken meaning, pressed against Amy’s heart. He knew she meant him, that she had lied about not remembering him. But it was too late for them.
“Too many years have passed. Too many things have gone wrong.”
She avoided his gaze as all the words she couldn’t say tightened her quivering stomach.
Don’t you see, Gabe? I’ve lived my life so differently than you would have wanted me to. I’m not worthy of your love, your respect. How could you possibly love me now? If you knew even half the things I’ve done, you’d leave here and never come back.
Her heart ached with longing, but she knew he wouldn’t kiss her now. If he’d wanted her, he’d have already kissed her. Something had stopped him—something had changed his mind. If only the past could be changed. But that was a vain wish. Do-overs only happened in children’s games.