The Happiness Habit

A lot of people think that knowledge is sufficient to solve problems and overcome obstacles. But knowing how something got broken or why something is wrong doesn’t automatically teach you how to fix it. Therefore when faced with a problem or an obstacle, it makes sense to direct appropriate ‘how’ questions first and by that I mean, you must point your ‘how’ questions in the right direction. If you say ‘how’ did I get myself into this mess that is as bad as saying ‘why’ did I get myself into this mess. Both questions will only drive you further into where it is you want to leave. You have got to focus on where you are, where you want to be and how to get there. So the first question to ask is:

• Have I ever been in a similar situation in the past?

• Have I ever been successful in the past?

• What did I do then?

• What could I do now?

• How could I do that?

• What has to happen for that to happen?

People occasionally find themselves in challenging situations and ask themselves questions like ‘What’s wrong?’ For example, a person having problems in a relationship is likely to ask what’s wrong with the relationship, assuming that because the relationship has got challenges there must be something wrong with it. Looking for what’s wrong with something is not always the best starting point, especially if your overall goal is to have the relationship develop and grow stronger.

A more useful approach is to start by working on the basis of what’s right, what’s working, what’s good about the relationship, or even what would you like to have go right with it or what would you like to improve with it, rather than reducing the entire relationship down to something as narrow as being broken. It is not always necessary to fix everything head on or as soon as it arises. Bad feelings are only made up of neurons. Neurons weaken when left unused and from the point of view of the brain, if you want to get rid of them, it’s better to leave them alone for a time.

Anybody that’s been in a relationship for any length of time will relate to this. This is one of the things you begin to realise as you go through time. I have been in a relationship with my wife, Theresa, for more than twenty years. The fact of the matter is that we have what you could describe as a vivacious relationship. We argue about some things, generally unimportant things, but that happens when you love someone and that’s healthy because it means that our needs get met. But the thing about it is a lot of the time these problems simply need to be let go. You don’t have to address every issue, let it off by itself. Now most people think you’ve got to sit down and go head to head and deal with things. But actually a lot of the time you just say to yourself ‘get over it’ and it sorts itself out. It is about letting things slide, because most of the time these arguments are more about ego than the actual issues that are being discussed.

The reason why a lot of change management programmes fail is because they say this is the solution and they only give you one or maybe two solutions. The trick to getting past problems and obstacles is to ask yourself how many different ways you can achieve your goal. Keep moving beyond the problem in the direction of the solution. Entertain no obstacles, focus solely on the solutions. When an obstacle is offered think about what else you could do. What else is possible? What would happen if that happened? How would you do that? Just keep jumping past the problems.

Human beings have a lovely capacity to weave you into their own reality. We do it every single day. Rather than focusing on the solutions to our problems we claim we have tried everything. When you claim to have tried everything, that presupposes there aren’t any other things that you could try or that are worth trying. In my experience to date I have always been able to find other things. Most of the time it is not that you haven’t tried many things, it is just that you think you have tried everything and that is a little like a goldfish believing his bowl is the world and the room he can see is the rest of the universe.

As discussed in Chapter 3, psychological literature and research refers to the ‘self-serving bias’ that comes from our tendency to assume that we can do no wrong. In other words we can only be right, which is what I like to call our innate God Complex.

We don’t like to prove ourselves wrong because that makes us feel stupid and no one likes to feel or look stupid. We like to feel smart. We like to be smart and in fact we are smart, but not all of the time. Unfortunately we sometimes believe that there is no other person as smart as we are so the chances of someone coming up with a solution that we have worked flat out on for ages appears ridiculous and threatens our self-esteem. From there our natural reaction is defensive, ‘You are hardly going to come up with the solution, because I’m a smart person and I’ve thought it all through.’ With that type of background thinking the shutters come down and cynicism or exasperation takes centre stage. Then when we get offered any solutions we announce, ‘No, no there’s no point, I tried that. No that won’t work either. I am telling you, no. I’ve tried that, that won’t work. I tried that too, it won’t work.’

Very often other people can come up with the solution more easily as they are not as emotionally attached to it as you are. But you’ve got to get out of your own way for them to do that. The trick is to really listen and find out stuff that you have you not tried yet, but that you can and will try. Look at things and ask yourself who can help you. Who has been there before? Who can advise me? How can I guarantee my success? How can I be successful, no matter what? There’s a gazillion ways of doing that.

• I have tried everything. Everything? Every single thing, there isn’t anything you haven’t tried – not one thing?

• It will never work. Never ever, so you are a clairvoyant and can see into the future?

• I can’t. What would happen if you could?

• It’s pointless trying. How do you know?

• It won’t work. What will happen if it does?

• I don’t see the point? What would be different if you could?

Here is a simple technique to unblock problem thinking. It is a little exercise that you can use if you are faced with a problem that you have not yet solved or that your self-esteem would prefer to think is unsolvable.

Bring the problem to mind and ask yourself the following questions, not just once but continuously, until you begin to come up with useful solutions or with potential solutions. This exercise will be much more effective if you get someone else to ask you the questions. Avoid justifying your problem, just tell the person that you have a problem and could he or she ask you the following questions as you both attempt to find a solution to it:

• What is stopping you from solving your problem?

• List three of the most critical parts of your problem that need to be dealt with for you to find the solution?

• Describe what a successful solution would look like, feel like, sound like and be like for each of those parts?

• What parts of the problem are reliant on knowledge, skill, resources, time, politics or opportunity?

• How many of these elements can you influence positively now?

• What has to happen for that to happen?

• What specifically do you want in place of what you have got thus far?

• Are there any other ways of getting this?

• How will you know that you have achieved what you want?

• When will you know that you have achieved what you want?

Think of a problem you have that you would like to solve now and answer all of the questions above. Fill out the section below as you do.

Now if the deductive (logical) approach has not produced the desired result then it is time to use what is called the abductive (analogical) approach. This was a favourite of Albert Einstein and of Thomas Edison so you are in good company.

1. Bring your problem to mind.

2. Recall yourself experiencing something totally unrelated that you are already really good at. (It could be football, selling, building websites, public speaking – we are all good at something.)

3. See your chosen activity as a metaphor that contains the solution to your problem.

4. Now ask yourself how you overcome problems within your chosen activity. (For example, how you handle it if someone asks you an unexpected question at a speaking engagement.)

5. Translate this metaphorically to the problem you are currently faced with.

6. How could you now handle it differently?

When faced with a problem, an obstacle or a dilemma, whenever you are unsure of what to do, when faced with any of life’s glorious challenges, the formula to use each and every time is the well-formed outcome formula, as described in Chapter 6. This applies in this context too. As the process in its entirety is quite substantial, and rightly so, you are not always going to have the time, opportunity or patience to sit down and think it all the way through. The questions below are for those times. These questions serve all the principles of ‘well-formedness’ and can be called upon when you need to get to where you want in a hurry.

The quickest way that I know to change a negative emotional state is by asking yourself (or others for that matter) these few simple questions. When faced with challenge most of us try to be positive but it doesn’t always work out. For example, when we are in conflict with someone else our attempts tend only to escalate the issue rather than solve it. This is because we get more and more frustrated at ourselves for not being positive as well as with the other person for not meeting our rules. More about that later, first here are the questions that will help you to get moving when you have that ‘stuck’ feeling.

On a larger level what you are beginning to do is to set your life in an entirely new direction and this requires concentration. Many people complain about not being able to focus long enough in order to work out what they want from life. Here are a few guidelines to help you to do that.

Concentration is about your ability to focus on one thing, to the exclusion of all else. Total concentration is that feeling you get when time seems to fly by or even disappear. You have experienced it many times before and can learn how to bring it about again as it is a skill like anything else. Whatever you are doing, your results will be greatly enhanced if you give all of your focus and attention solely to the activity at hand. Concentration is often hampered when we get distracted by a number of things at the same time.

• ‘One-pointedness’: To improve your concentration you must become single-minded. This involves ridding your mind of all thoughts and concerns other than what you are about to attend to. This means refusing to get caught up in anything other than what you are doing. This will not only permit you to concentrate more but will get the job done more quickly too.

• Cut off any disruptive noise: Noise can interfere with your concentration levels so be sure that you reduce or cut off any noise sources so you can keep your mind clear. And that includes your own internal dialogue.

• One task at a time: Focus on one thing at a time, one task at a time, one result at a time until such time as you become competent. After a while you will be able to multi-task as the individual tasks become habituated, take no conscious effort and feel natural to you.

• Mix up your activities: You have heard the expression ‘a change is as good as a rest’. If you are studying a number of things at once, it is often better to mix and match: spending small amounts of time on each area so that it feels easier to concentrate on the overall project.

• Stop quibbling and start doing: Talking about it is not going to get the job done, questioning whether you are up to it or not won’t either. The quicker you start, the easier it will become and the less time it will take to get it done. Stop procrastinating.

• Clean your environment: Ensure you have space to concentrate. Put the phone out of view. Turn off the e-mail alert; if you are not using the computer, turn it off. Keep your desk clean so you can take notes. Have all you need within reach. Have a supply of water to keep your brain hydrated, and drink a little often.

• The five more rule: When your concentration is about to whittle away, you can recommit by using the five more rule. Promise yourself just five more minutes, five more pages, five more exercises etc. and, of course, stick to your promise otherwise the quality of your concentration will suffer.

• Understand the process: Get clear on what it is you want to do or what it is that is being asked of you. Get clear on the instructions for what is required, the standards you need to follow, the restrictions that are there etc. If you’re writing an essay, for example, find out how many pages, how many words, what topic specifically you are being asked to discuss and what style is required. Ask questions until you are clear – this will free up your mind to concentrate fully.

• Set a deadline: The brain works best when given a deadline, provided that your plan of action leaves it within your abilities to reach. So if you can, set your own deadline, back it up with a tangible and practical plan and adjust as you go if necessary to avoid the tension of not reaching the deadline. Realise it is actually better to shift the deadline if the quality of your concentration is being affected by it. Deadlines focus the mind and eliminate wastage, but for some a deadline is like walking a tightrope and if it is not realistic you can fall off.

• Brainstorm: If you don’t know where to start it is a good idea to brainstorm. Brainstorming is a little like mind mapping and works through free association. Basically you let whatever ideas come to mind, no matter how illogical or nonsensical, to be captured on paper. When you have run out of ideas have a look at what you have written and see what can be used.

• Relax and be patient: Set everything up so that you can relax. Use the tips provided in Chapter 7 and be patient with yourself, know that it will all get done in time, it is not a race and it can be done. Practice makes perfect, so be prepared to put in the practice.

• Physical alertness: You have also heard the expression ‘a healthy body a healthy mind’. Getting sufficient sleep, staying physically fit and undertaking exercise will help develop your concentration. Eating the right type of brain foods, for example tuna, also helps.

• Brain games: Brain games are widely available and are an excellent means to sharpen your concentration and have fun at the same time.

Although it is easier said than done when you have things on your mind, bringing your problems to bed can be a really good thing to do as long as you commit to handing the challenge or problem over to your subconscious to take charge of and commit to picking it back up in the morning. The human brain is a fantastic problem-solving instrument so at night time, before you retire for sleep, think of your problem, worry or concern and then say to yourself that you are handing this over to your subconscious to sort out for you. You can do this by simply imagining what the solution would look like if there were absolutely no obstacles. Once you do this you are in effect instructing the brain to solve it. After you have done it then redirect your thinking to more pleasant things and refuse to entertain the problem until the morning. You may find that by the morning or at some point in the following day a solution to your problem will ‘magically appear out of nowhere’. It has in fact come from the program that you ran in your mind the previous night, just before you went to sleep when you were in a daydream state, what is called the Alpha state. This state of consciousness is a hugely resourceful state that facilitates subconscious programming.

Your brain operates at different frequencies throughout the day and night. These frequency shifts result in different states of consciousness. You could think of them as bandwidths similar to what you get from a radio transmission. Each bandwidth means that something different is going on and this difference is reflected by the waves that are being emitted:

• The Alpha wave range occurs when a person is relaxed, but alert. During this state, a person is awake but resting.

• The Beta wave range occurs when a person is focused, alert or engaged in any form of physical activity.

• The Delta wave range is associated with deep sleep. Delta waves are known for triggering the release of hormones that provide healing; this is why sleep is so important during the healing process.

• The Theta wave range is known as the twilight state and it occurs fleetingly, mainly as we drift off to sleep or as we are rising from it. Theta is a state characterised by vivid imagery flashes and heightened sensory acuity, it is a free-flowing state of inward focus where you are deeply relaxed.

Routine thinking occurs in Beta consciousness and this is the state that most of us are more familiar with. Beta consciousness is just a faster frequency than Alpha consciousness, and Alpha consciousness is the state where you can actually learn more easily and quickly. You are also more open to suggestion in Alpha state, so when you are in that state you can make suggestions to yourself to help yourself sleep, to be confident, to be happy, in fact to do and become whatever you want.

So if you have had trouble sleeping well you could say to yourself ‘I enjoy being more comfortable, I enjoy feeling drowsy and I enjoy feeling the weight of the blankets on my body, I enjoy breathing slowly’ – and then breathe slowly. ‘I enjoy feeling the tingling sensation in my hands’ – as you do it notice what happens, you can change how you feel and you are now setting yourself up in a well-formed direction for sleep or for confidence, for happiness, for success, whatever you choose. Remember the rule is to set you up for well-formed outcomes or to go in well-formed directions. Say to yourself what you want to do – ‘I want to sleep, I want to sleep comfortably, I want to drift into sleep effortlessly, I want to sleep deeply and well’ – because the more you say that the more you are likely to bring it about.

Most people bring their problems to bed and then run commentary on the fact that they really need to get sleep, that they just have to sleep urgently because if they don’t sleep, they know that they are in trouble, they just know they will be wrecked in the morning. They say they will be tired, they say it will be hell, they run a movie of everything going wrong in the morning and then they wonder why they wake up and they’re feeling frazzled. It’s because they’ve been programming the wrong suggestions into their minds. Remember you are supposed to match up what you want, so if you want to be sleepy go into a sleepy state. If you talk real slow to yourself and say I really want to fall asleep, then you are doing the right things. If you want to have a good day tomorrow it’s a good idea before you go asleep tonight to say I’m just wondering what it would feel like if tomorrow was much better than today. Then program yourself to do it by thinking about it, by saying it to yourself and by imagining how you want it to look, sound and feel. You need to begin to focus on what feels good rather than on what doesn’t and the more you do that, the more that you will get. Focus on what’s working and when you focus on what’s working, it will work more of the time.

First things first, whatever your thoughts and feelings are about sleep understand that it is a totally natural process, just as night follows day and dark shades the light, your body is designed for sleep. You cannot bring it about through force (unless you medicate yourself which is not ideal) but you can facilitate and dramatically improve the quality of your sleep by creating the right environment and by reducing any interruptions and obstacles that get in the way of your enjoyment of it. Sleep restores and revitalises your body, making you fit for the day ahead.

Poor sleep habits may be caused by different factors. From staying up too late at night or getting up too early in the morning. From insufficient daylight exposure to bringing our worries to bed. From use and abuse of food, drink and drugs and even from exercising too late in the evening. Whatever your situation, you will find some useful pointers below. Obviously, in the unlikely event that the situation persists, it is always wise to seek professional help on the matter.

• Develop your pre-sleep ritual. First, relax your mind. Life can be hectic so give your body the opportunity to ready itself for sleep by using as much time as you can to wind down in advance of it. An hour or two should be more than sufficient. Going straight to bed after a rock concert is unlikely to induce sleep, so close off your day gradually by reducing the high octane activities and replacing them with more calming activities. Gather some quiet time, sit down and read the paper, read a book, have a conversation with your partner, friend or a family member, listen to some soothing background music, watch a ‘feel good’ movie on the TV, have a warm bath, burn some lavender oils, take a breather and reflect on just how much you got done today and give yourself a clap on the back for surviving it.

Then relax your body. Certain habits that we associate with relaxation are stimulants. The late night cup of tea or coffee or perhaps the alcoholic drink and the final cigarette all speed up the nervous system so it makes sense to keep as much time as you can between them and your scheduled sleep time. If you must have a snack, warm milk and toast or perhaps some cereal can aid relaxation because of the chemicals contained in the food. Condition your body by going to bed at a set time each night. That being said, go to bed earlier if you are feeling sleepy.

• Set the scene: The atmosphere in your bedroom should be peaceful and calm and the decor should reflect this. Block out as much light as possible from the room with blackout blinds, heavy curtains etc. If you have a digital clock, cover the screen with a card or something. Make sure your bed, your bed linen and your pillow are comfortable and that your back and neck are supported while you sleep. Keep in mind that your bed should be reserved for two activities only – sleeping and making love – and that may mean removing the TV from the room. If your partner is restless, get a bigger bed. Make sure also that the room is well ventilated and the temperature consistent. Keep it as quiet as possible, even if that means using a fan or a ‘white noise’ machine to help block outside noises such as traffic and loud neighbours.

• Bedtime stories: Once you are in your bed, it is time to build upon what you have already created. It is now time to wind down completely. If your mind is racing, get control of your thoughts by slowing down the pictures and your internal dialogue to a pace and tone that you would use if you were really drowsy, open your mouth wide and take a huge breath in as if to yawn. Do this a few times and you will begin to yawn for real. This will help convince your mind that it is sleep time. If there are things in the day that remain undone, imagine them being completed successfully and then let out a sigh of relief with each accomplishment. If you have problems on your mind, acknowledge them and promise yourself that you are going to sleep on it and will return to it more refreshed in the morning. Most problems are sorted that way anyhow. Stop moaning at yourself and suggest in soft tones inside your mind how you want to go asleep. Now make up images of yourself so deeply relaxed that you nod off effortlessly.

As you work on relaxing your mind you can help by progressively relaxing your body. First become aware of your body in the bed. Wriggle your toes and curl them up as you take a gentle but deep breath inwards, as you exhale repeat the word ‘soften’ like you mean it. Next work your way systematically up your body, tightening first and then loosening each and every muscle, repeating the word ‘soften’ every time you do this. Indulge in the feelings and enjoy being awake while you do. Once you’re done and totally relaxed, turn to your favourite sleep position, close your eyes if they are not already shut and let your imagination conjure up some really fun and pleasurable fantasies.

• When all else fails: Try to stay awake. Keep your eyes wide open and refuse to close them. Or listen to a specially prepared hypnotic CD for sleep. Or get out of bed, leave the bedroom and do some quiet activity like those in your pre-sleep ritual until you are tired again and then return to bed. If necessary, seek professional help.

• Post-sleep rituals: Expose yourself to bright light or sunlight soon after awakening; this will help to regulate your body’s natural biological clock. Exercise daily, if possible in the morning but otherwise no later than three hours before sleep time. Twenty to thirty minutes of this daily exercise can help you sleep. Avoid catching twenty winks during the day as this can also interfere with your natural biorhythms; if you absolutely have to, be sure to sleep for no more than thirty minutes in the day. You could try meditation or hypnosis as an alternative. Write down your ‘to do’ list for the coming day and use your imagination to view how it will look when everything is done and dusted to your satisfaction.

CHAPTER 8

The Keys to Overcoming Obstacles