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She stood and pointed to her pants. "Hey," she said to the men. "Like- I need supplies." Wild hair Mo gave her a blank look, and she said, "You know- tampons, pads, liners, feminine spray. It will look like a massacre if I don't get something soon." He looked disgusted and made a face at Stash.
"Okay, so you want to leave blood and DNA all over this place? Because it's gonna happen if I don't get my things... and soon. This one's a gusher, I can tell. You might not want to stand too close, if you know what I mean," Sady warned. They gave her a scared look, expecting she would erupt like a volcano. "Well?" she demanded with bulging eyes.
They looked at each other, then back to Sady. She squeezed her legs together and swayed while Daria tried not to laugh. "Oh, the pain!" Sady yelled dramatically, grabbing her stomach for effect. "I need Midol."
"What's a Midol?" Mo asked Stash.
He scratched his head and shrugged. "I dunno. Isn't that the place that fixes brakes?"
"Those pads had better have wings," Sady continued. "And channels, with a dry feel liner."
"You could be right," Mo told his buddy. "I think she wants brake pads. Will those work for her... uh, problem?"
Stash snorted. "Lady, are you joking? How about you use those paper napkins?" he suggested.
"Does it look like I'm joking? And where did you learn about feminine hygiene? Your mother? No one uses napkins anymore, especially not that kind. They are called pads now!" She bit her lip and blinked out a few tears for effect.
"What should we do?" Mo asked, looking worriedly at Sady who moaned and carried on.
Stash said, "We can't let her bleed out until we know more about her. She might be useful. I guess we better get her stuff at the store. I'll take her, and you keep an eye on the other one."
"Oh, no! I'm not staying alone with that hellcat. I've heard stories that she can kill with her eyes. She had lasers implanted or something. Uh, uh! I'll go, and you stay!" Mo said.
"We'll both go, you sissy," Stash said. "Bring the van around while I tie brown eyes' hands." Mo left, and Stash tied Sady's hands cautiously. He put duct tape over their mouths and rode in back to guard them. When they got to the store, Mo stopped and got into the back of the van while Stash removed the tape from her mouth. Then Stash said, "Tell him what you need. He'll go in and buy it."
"Like hell I will!" Mo complained. "I don't buy rags for my old lady, so why should I start now?"
Before Stash could start a fight Sady interrupted and said, "I don't care who buys it. Just get me something... and soon, or it's going to look like a slaughterhouse in the parking lot! It's not like you're fifteen and trying to buy a six-pack, for crying out loud."
Stash won the stare down with Mo. "Fine, what do you need?" Mo asked Sady reluctantly. She held up her hands, and he cut the zip tie. Then she pulled out a piece of paper and made a list, handing it to him with a grateful beauty queen smile. Mo shuffled to the store in slow motion, and Sady tried not to laugh. Stash stayed in the back of the van to guard them as they waited for Mo.
After twenty minutes, Stash was ready to explode. He was engaged in a heavy round of cursing when the side door finally opened. With a red face, Mo handed Sady a small paper sack. She shook out the little box and laughed. Then she looked up, and said, "Oh, I thought you were joking. Are you serious? Did you even read the box?" Mo rubbed his head and ignored her.
She turned to Stash. "Do I look like a teenage girl? Do you even know what 'light flow and in-between days' means?"
"No, and I don't want to," he complained.
"It means they're useless. Now unless you want a trail of blood a dead dog can follow you'd better hustle back in there and get me what I asked for. I assumed Mo could read." Her voice grew louder with each word and she nearly shouted the last sentence.
Stash hushed her and Mo gave her a dirty look. Then he grinned and shot Stash a challenging stare so Stash pulled Sady out the door. "I'm not going to waste time in the girl aisle, brown eyes, so you'd better make it fast and quiet."
Sady didn't argue. She grabbed a shopping cart and loaded the largest boxes of feminine supplies available, knowing Stash was too embarrassed and clueless to look closely. Embarrassed to be in the feminine products aisle, he didn't watch her all the time so she took small products and stuffed them down her shirt and into her pockets.
She managed to 'trip by accident' and push a small item into his shirt pocket. Finally, she could stall no longer. She stuffed her clothes, the cart was half full, and Stash gave her an incredulous look. "I happen to have a heavy flow," Sady stated in a mild tone as she batted her lashes.
The woman at the checkout stared at her in awe. Sady grinned and waved, hoping security would step in any second. If they didn't, then at least the cashier wouldn't forget her and her cart of monthly necessities... she hoped.
Stash looked shocked when he got the total. "It's the price of being a female," Sady said with a smile. "Do you want me to pay for it?" She reached into her bag for her credit card when he stopped her, his eyes narrowed in warning. He paid cash, grumbling that women were expensive. The cashier raised her brows at Sady.
Mo, standing outside the van, laughed at the bags they hauled from the store. Stash had to help Sady carry them. "Hey, did you get any beer?" Mo yelled across the lot. Stash looked ready to bounce to the van, he was so mad. Mo cringed, climbed back into the van, and closed the door.
From behind Sady a voice said, "Ma'am, I need you stop right there." Sady ignored him and kept walking. She knew it was security catching up with her 'not-so-light-fingered' lifting of store merchandise. He yelled, and the next thing Sady knew she was thrown to the ground. Stash dropped her bags and ran. A second security guard soon had him by the collar. He looked into Stash's pocket and laughed at the small box of feminine suppositories he found.
Sady tried to convince her security guard to check the van, but he wasn't interested in listening. "Lady, I've heard every story you can imagine. I had one guy shove a ham under his shirt and tell me it was a hernia. So you can save it for the judge. For now, let's go back into the store."
The sound of banging and loud squeaking stopped him. "What's going on in that van?" he asked Sady suspiciously. She gave him a big-eyed smile and giggled. He used his radio to call for another store worker to come check the van. The worker approached the van cautiously, his face red with suspicion. He knocked tentatively. Strangled screams now accompanied the squeaks and bangs coming from the rocking van.
"Just open it," the store security guard ordered. "We don't allow that behavior in our lot. Tell them to get a room."
The poor kid looked scared as knocked on the side of the van again. This time they could hear the bangs in a distinct pattern. The kid turned to the security guard and said, "I think that's an SOS distress signal."
He reached for the handle and opened the door. Mo nearly fell out. Daria's legs were wrapped around his neck, cutting off his airway. His face was purple, and he weakly tried to pound the side of the van for help. Daria's legs kept him from taking a header onto the pavement. "Shut the door," she yelled. "We're not finished. One more minute and he can go to the morgue."
The security guard shook his head and took over. After one look in the van he said, "Lady, there are special clubs for people like you. Go join one. Or, better yet, get a job at one." Daria's response was to kick him in the chest as he tried to remove her from the van. He got mad, then used his radio to have the local police come handle the van situation.
Sady and Daria waited at the nearest precinct for a ride home. One call to Morrow cleared them of any charges at the police station.
Mo and Stash weren't faring so well. In another room, they complained to the officer about crazy women. "Who said the blonde was the dangerous one? They're both bouncing nutballs! That brunette needs psychiatric help. I think she has a shopping disorder and a split personality."
Matt wore a broad grin when he saw the two women waiting. "Well, well. Our missing students have turned up at the police station. Although, I figured you'd get here via Sady's Mustang and Daria's temper."
Harry smiled as he gave Sady a hug. "Matt's worried too. He just doesn't want to admit it in front of Daria."
Matt glared at Harry and asked, "I suppose you're going to hug Daria as well?" Harry shook his head while Daria snorted.
"I'd rather have another go at the Darwin Award finalists in the other room," she said. "What's the deal in this state? I don't even get a chance to confront my attackers?"
"In a court of law," Harry replied. "For their protection, not yours. Are you ladies ready to go home?"
"What about my Mustang?" Sady asked. "It's still at the shopping center."
"We dropped off Amanda and CJ on the way. They used your hidden spare key to drive it home," Harry told her.
They turned to leave the station, and an officer called out, "Ma'am?"
Daria gave Sady a shove, "That means you, or I'll have to decapitate him for disrespecting me." Sady turned to the officer questioningly.
"You left all your bags," he told her, nodding to the pile of bags now spilling feminine products onto the floor.
Sady nudged Daria and picked up a couple bags, handing them to Matt and Harry. The men turned red and checked to see if anyone noticed. Matt jumped in horror when he turned back to see Sady holding out more bags.
"Run for it, Harry!" he advised. Polite Harry left the women behind to carry the rest of the sacks as he raced Matt to the SUV. The women followed and stopped to enjoy the spectacle. In their haste to get the bags stuffed into the back, they dropped one bag, and ripped another. The contents lay near the hatch of Harry's SUV.
"Matt, I think it's time for a Rocky movie marathon and a case of booze," Harry said, slamming the lift gate after a hasty cleanup.
Upon leaving the lot Sady yelled, "Hey, you guys missed some things that were under the car. You need to go back and pick them up."
"No, Harry," Matt warned. "Be strong and think of Rocky, dude!"
"Harry Knight! Don't tell me you are littering in the police parking lot," Sady scolded. "Is Matt's bad habit rubbing off on you?"
"Don't listen to her, Harry! Just drive. If you get pulled over for littering it's our word against theirs. We can blame it on them," Matt encouraged.
"Okay," Sady gave in unexpectedly. "I've got my phone back, so I'll just call the officer on duty and have him bag them for pickup. I have his number, and I'm sure he'll be happy to do that for you." Harry looked at Sady in the rear-view mirror and pulled a U-turn.
"Now who's corrupting him?" Matt asked Sady. "He just pulled an illegal U-turn because of you. CJ's gonna kill us both."
"Give my condolences to Rocky," Daria snickered, as Harry squealed to a stop in the parking lot and ordered Matt out. Matt didn't bother gathering the items in a bag. He left the back passenger door open and pitched them into the back seat of the SUV. Sady ducked as a few sailed past her head.
Matt climbed in and yelled, "Go!" Harry accelerated and their heads slammed back.
"Wait!" Sady barked. Harry braked and their heads snapped forward. "My window was down and some of the things just passed right through. They're still in the parking lot, only on the other side.
"
Harry backed up and ordered, "Do it right this time, Matt!"
Matt growled at Sady as he tucked the remaining items into his arms then climbed into the SUV and dumped them on the floor. "You couldn't have helped? Are you happy now?" he asked sourly. She laughed, and Matt turned to Harry. "If you roll this thing and kill us, Harry, you realize they'll bury us all in dresses. Although, that might be better than you rolling it and not killing us. Then we'd make the front page of the newspaper and have to explain why we look like aisle 5 of the local drugstore."
"I'll drive," Sady offered. Then she said, "There's no need for all of you to be so rude about it. It was just a suggestion."
"I have a suggestion," Matt told her. "Why don't you tell me about your pet? You thought I forgot about that little slip, didn't you?"
"What pet? And, what slip?" Sady asked as her eyes shifted back and forth.
"Nice try. You were ready to confess to Hoffa's disappearance after you spotted Babs. Now out with it," he demanded. "You weren't so understanding when there was a pet at my apartment. Why are you so mad?"
"Which one was the pet?" Sady snapped. "Emily, or her mop?"
"Matt, I think it's time you changed the subject," Harry advised.
Daria, sitting in the front passenger seat, turned to look back with a nod. "Seriously, Meadows? Emily? What he said! You're already behind in points. You can't afford to lose another round." She made a sound of disgust and told Harry, "Roll it or not, just get us home fast!"
"What's your hurry?" Harry asked.
"It's the teenagers in the back seat," she replied.
"Wrong," Matt pulled his mouth away from Sady's to interrupt. "I'm just confirming my chromosomes... and hers. After handling all those girl things I need to make sure I'm still a male."
"You're still handling girl things," Sady reminded him.
"There's a right and a wrong kind," he said. "You're the right kind."
"And you're still a typical male," Daria said. "I need to give her more lessons," she told Harry with a sigh.
"Are you sure?" he laughed. "I don't hear any complaining coming from the back seat. Maybe you need more lessons..." He flipped his eyes in her direction. "Yeah, about that last remark. I didn't mean that the way it sounded."
"Harry, you aren't far behind your sadly deluded brother-in-arms when it comes to who's in the loser's seat. You might want to heed your own advice about changing the subject," Daria cautioned.
"Hey," Sady mumbled from the back seat. "Are you implying Matt's in the loser's seat when he's back here with me? Or that I'm some kind of consolation prize for the loser?" A few seconds later there was a loud smack and Sady whispered, "Stop that, Matt! I'm waiting for an answer."
"Thanks, Bennett," Matt said sarcastically. "You've just managed to ruin the only salvageable part of this trip."
Daria returned a snarky, "You're welcome," to Matt, while Sady turned on him with, "Now I'm salvage?"
Harry used hands free blue tooth to call CJ. He yelled, "CJ, is that you? Help me! There's three of them, and they're out of control. How do I make them stop?"