I’m not afraid of the dark. It’s streetlights I don’t like, especially those glaring orange sodium lights. Have you noticed how strange they make people look, on the street at night? How their faces go pale and bloodless, and their clothes turn a dark, dirty grey, no matter what colour they really are? Have you noticed how hard it is even to see people – because the streetlights make them the same no-colour as everything else – as if they aren’t really there at all, just moving shadows?
There’s no such thing as colour. All those bright reds and blues and greens we see in daytime are only wavelengths. What shows up under the orange streetlights is just as real as what you see in daylight.
Maybe more real.
The year I turned eleven, the year I started at Larkhill Road Comprehensive – which I still secretly thought of as ‘the big school’ – was the year Mum caved in and got me a dog. She didn’t say she got Chips to make up for Dad walking out on us, but I knew she had. I’d been begging for a dog for ages. I argued that it would be easy to exercise him: the park was only ten minutes away, and even closer, halfway down the hill, we had the old cemetery; lots of people walked their dogs in there. But she always said, “Dogs need company, Tim, and we’re out all day, it wouldn’t be fair.” And I could see her point. It made me sad but I could see it, because the sort of dog I wanted – longed for – would have been a big dog. A big muscular dog you could wrestle and run with, Labrador-size, or maybe a bull terrier or even an Alsatian. There was no way a dog like that could be left at home for hours at a time.
I hated my first term at Larkhill. We got split up into different classes, and all my old friends seemed to find loads of new mates, and I got left out. Maybe I didn’t try. I was missing Dad – and hating him for leaving us – and hating Mum quite often too, for not being, I don’t know, prettier, or nicer to him or something, so that he’d have stayed. It was scary, how much hating I was doing. It left me exhausted and miserable. I didn’t know myself any more. I didn’t know who any of us were, now we weren’t all together, like we used to be. I sat by myself on the school bus, and if anyone had to sit beside me they’d twist round and talk to their mates across the aisle while I stared out of the window. I might as well have been invisible.
But I wasn’t. Being unhappy gets you noticed in the wrong way by the wrong people. Miles Bennett was the worst. He was in Year Ten, he was twice my size, he smoked and swore and shouted at the girls, he travelled on the same bus as me every day and got off at the same stop, and he was the one who started calling me Timid.
“Hey, Timid!” he’d say. “You stink. I can smell you from here. It’s the stink of fear, isn’t it? You scared of me, huh? You scared?” Then he’d grab my bag and empty it out on the floor, or chuck it to his friends at the back of the coach where I couldn’t get it. I didn’t tell Mum. If Dad had been at home I might have told him – I might – but not Mum. I just couldn’t.
She knew I was miserable, though, because one afternoon towards the end of October, just before Hallowe’en, she was waiting for me when I got home. She flung open the front door and said, “Surprise!” And there, peeping out from behind her legs, was a small spaniel with a speckled white coat, dark brown ears and a patch on his back. I stopped dead.
“What’s this?” I said.
“It’s a dog,” said Mum, laughing but looking edgy. “Isn’t he sweet?”
“You said I couldn’t have one.”
“I changed my mind. He’s a rescue dog. I thought, well, if I walk him in the morning and you walk him after school… Go on – say something to him.”
“What’s his name?” I said, gulping. At last I had a dog! But she’d chosen him without me, and he wasn’t the sort of dog I’d wanted. Bitter disappointment was flooding my veins.
“He’s called Chips,” said Mum, watching my face, “but you can change it if you like.”
I didn’t want to change his name, I wanted to change him. I called, “Chips, Chips,” and held out my hand. The dog crept forward, tail tucked between his legs, and rolled over submissively. He didn’t seem to have any spirit.
“Here’s his lead,” said Mum. “And look, a dog whistle! If you want to let him off, you can call him back with this.” I took it and blew. No sound came out, but Chips sat up as if someone had kicked him.
“It’s too high for humans to hear,” said Mum. “Why don’t you take him for a little walk?” I could see I’d have to. I clipped the lead to his collar and Mum handed me a small roll of poop bags. “You may have to clean up after him. I got you these.”
She’d thought of everything.
“Yay,” I said. “Thanks, Ma. Great present!” That misfired. It was meant to sound ironic, but it came out plain nasty.
Mum’s face went stiff. For an awful second I thought she would cry. Then she just looked tired. “I’ve given you a dog, Tim. You claimed you wanted one, and now you’ve got one. Maybe he’s not what you imagined, but he’s the right size for us, and he’s a lovely little fellow. Go on, take him out and get to know him.”
I set off sullenly down the road, Chips scuttling at my heels. Every time a car went past, he flinched. When a bus rolled by, he leaped across in front of me and nearly tripped me up.
“Stupid dog!” I yanked his lead, and he shrank down and cowered. I was being horrible, but I couldn’t help it. I’d wanted a big dog, I’d wanted to choose him myself, and I’d never have picked a dog like Chips in a thousand years.
With Chips dodging about on the end of the lead, we went down the hill past the rusty railings of the old Victorian cemetery. I stopped at the iron gates and looked down the long path between the yew trees, wondering whether to go in. It would be the quickest place to take him. And, for the first time, Chips showed some interest. He pulled on the lead and whined softly, flicking his tail as if the dark and the quiet appealed to him. Perhaps he was a country dog. Perhaps he wasn’t used to city streets.
I took a few steps in. But… it was after five o’clock, the sun had set. On the road behind me the streetlights were already coming on, with a pale barley-sugar glow. The cemetery was full of gathering dusk. There was nobody about. Far down the path, a tall obelisk stood out black against the twilight. Gravestones lined each side, inscribed in curly lettering with names and dates. In Memoriam… In Loving Memory… Departed This Life… Close to the gate was a tall pointed headstone bearing a single word.
I’d seen it before. I’d often wondered about it. Now – well, now I didn’t feel like wondering. I spun around, pulling Chips away. I’d changed my mind. We’d go to the park instead. But when I got to the bottom of the hill, Miles and two of his mates were hanging around the bus stop.
I knew what would happen. If I glanced at them it’d be, “What you looking at?” If I pretended not to see them, it’d be, “Are you ignoring me?” They’d kick my ankles, jostle me into the road, spit on me. I was afraid of them.
If only Mum had given me a big dog! I’d have been all right then. I could have walked straight past and they wouldn’t have dared to bother me. But all I had was Chips. He was a coward, and so was I. I turned to slink away, and Chips chose that moment, that very moment, to squat down. I tugged frantically at his lead, but he resisted, and by then it was too late. Miles and his friends surrounded me, grinning.
“What’s this, Timid, got a little doggie?”
“Oops, look what he’s done!”
“Don’t blame the dog, Timid, we know it was you.”
“Let’s see you clean it up. Go on!”
I fumbled one-handed for the poop bags, tore one off, dropping the rest of the roll, and one of Miles’ friends kicked it into the road where it snaked out, unrolling as it went. As I bent to clean up, Miles grabbed the lead and jerked Chips away from me. “Pick up the poop, Timid – I’ll walk the doggie!”
Chips cringed and cowered, just as he’d done when I’d jerked the lead a few minutes ago, and all of a sudden I was hot with shame and hatred. Chips didn’t deserve this – not from either of us.
I scrambled to my feet. “Let go of him! He’s my dog! Give him back!” Miles threw the end of the lead at me, laughing. A car swerved past, with a honk. And Chips bolted up the hill.
Something exploded inside me. I hurled the freshly-filled poop bag at Miles. He jumped back with a yell, but I didn’t wait to see if it hit him. I tore after Chips, who was pelting up the pavement ahead of me, much faster than I could go – his ears flapping, his white coat a dingy yellow colour under the streetlights – and then he vanished. When I got level with where he’d been, I saw what he’d done. He’d rushed through the iron gates into the cemetery.
I don’t think I hesitated. I ran up the path after him, shouting, “Chips! Chips!” Dark yews loomed over me, and there was a sad, sharp smell of leaf mould and earth. Pointed headstones leaned this way and that. Chips was nowhere to be seen. I came panting to the place where the obelisk stood in the middle of a gravelled circle. The path split four ways, one leading straight ahead, the others heading uphill and downhill between trees and bushes.
“Chips, where are you? Chips!” Tears pricked my eyes.
Feet pounded behind me. Voices howled. “Where are you, Timid? We’re gonna get you! We’re gonna kill you!”
I jumped off the gravel circle, dodged behind a tall ivied headstone and crouched there as Miles and his friends skidded to a halt under the obelisk.
“I saw him a minute ago.”
“He’s hiding. We’ll never find him in this lot.”
“We don’t have to. He’s gotta come out soon, hasn’t he? They lock the gates at six. We can wait for him outside.”
“I’m gonna kill him!”
One of them laughed. “Good thing the bag didn’t burst, Milesy. You’d’a looked good, decorated with –”
“I’m gonna kill him anyway,” said Miles. “Look, there are two gates, yeah? You two go down to the one on the bottom road, in case he goes that way. I’ll watch the one we just used. If he comes out your side when they lock up, bring him round to me.” He raised his voice. “Timid, you zombie! I know you can hear me! You got fifteen minutes to get out before they lock the gates. We’ll be waiting for you!”
They crashed off in different directions. I huddled down in the wet ivy, thankful for the dark camouflage of my navy school sweatshirt. My phone buzzed. It was a text from Mum.
Where r u? Tea in 15 mins ok?
I was hiding in damp bushes, behind a gravestone. I’d lost Chips. The cemetery gates would be locked in fifteen minutes. Less. And when I came out, Miles Bennett was going to kill me. I texted:
With chips in park. Might be bit late.
Ok have fun. Love u.
I’d had a dog, and I’d lost him. And I deserved to lose him – but Chips didn’t deserve to be lost. I didn’t dare call him any more, or Miles would hear me. I imagined Chips, alone and terrified somewhere. He wouldn’t know how to find his way home. He didn’t even know he had a home. Nearly crying, I shoved the phone back in my pocket, and my fingers touched something cold and hard.
The dog whistle! Miles wouldn’t be able to hear it, but Chips would: I’d already seen the way he sat up the first time I used it. I sprang out of the bushes and ran to the obelisk at the crossways, where I could see down all four paths. I set the whistle to my lips and blew. I could hear nothing, but it felt powerful. I could feel the resistance of the air as I blew. I could sense the signal speeding out in all directions, a piercing summons.
When I stopped blowing, the air seemed charged, electric. My skin prickled up in goosebumps. And the cemetery felt, I don’t know how to describe it – disturbed. Aware. As if, in a radius all around me, things had suddenly lifted their heads and looked my way.
I didn’t quite like it. My heart beat hard. The cowardly half of me wanted to run; the other half wanted to stay and wait for Chips. And I was full of anxiety about the time. It must be nearly six. What if I got locked in? But Chips, Chips…
Then I saw with relief that after all I wasn’t alone. Halfway down one of the paths, a late walker was coming slowly up out of the dusk towards the obelisk. I wasn’t the last person in the cemetery; there was still time. I blew the whistle again, two short blasts, and listened. Something rustled in the undergrowth. I choked back a cry – and Chips came hurtling out on to the path, lead trailing.
I fell to my knees. “Chips! Good dog! Oh you good, good dog!” He tried to climb into my arms. We were both trembling. He licked my face with his warm tongue. I pulled him close, hugged him hard, and stood up. “Come on boy. Let’s go.”
Footsteps rasped on the gravel behind us. Chips looked round. His hackles rose and he growled. I turned in fright, but it was only the person I’d seen walking up towards the obelisk, a man in a shabby-looking coat and hat. I couldn’t really make out his face, it was very dark under the trees, but there was enough reflected glow from the streetlights to see that he wasn’t very big, and he looked old. I reckoned Chips and I could easily outrun him if we had to.
He nodded as he dropped into step beside me. “Found him, then. Your dog,” he said after a minute. His voice was unpleasantly rough and low.
“Yes. Yes, I have! Did you see him running around?”
He shook his head. “Heard your whistle.”
I put aside a stir of unease. He couldn’t mean that. He must have heard me when I was shouting earlier.
We walked on. After a moment he said slowly, “Time you got out of here. The gates are locked every night, an hour after sunset.”
So, I thought, he must be the gatekeeper. “I know,” I said. “Are you coming to lock them?”
He didn’t answer. Then he said, “I’ll see you out.”
I wasn’t very keen on him, but he seemed all right, and besides, if Miles was waiting for me at the gates I’d have a better chance of getting away if I came out with someone official. It was really getting dark in the cemetery, but ahead of us the gates were still open. I could see the streetlights gleaming orange out there on the road, and cars passing.
“Nice dog,” said the man.
“Thanks,” I said, although Chips wasn’t behaving well. He was pulling really hard, his paws scrabbling in the gravel, as though he couldn’t wait to get to the road. “He’s a bit nervous.”
“Can’t blame him,” said the man. “Kept a lot of dogs in my time. Not now, of course.” He had a funny way of talking, lots of pauses. “They don’t like me now.”
I was only half listening. We were nearly at the gate. And waiting on the pavement, peering in, was Miles. He spotted me. I saw his head go up.
The man stopped, and I stopped too, even though Chips was nearly throttling himself, galloping on the spot, breathing in harsh panting gasps. I needed an excuse to hang around while the old man locked the gates. I wanted to keep him talking so Miles would know we were coming out of the cemetery together. The orange streetlight fell across the nearest gravestone, and lit in curling black relief the word:
I pointed at it. “That’s funny, isn’t it? Why d’you think it just says ‘Dark?’”
The way he answered, you could tell it he thought was the stupidest question he’d ever heard. “Because that’s what it is,” he said. He paused. “Down there.” And I was realising with an incredulous shudder that he wasn’t being funny, that he meant it, when he jerked his head and added, “Go on. Out,” and I was on the pavement under the streetlamp, and Miles Bennett was grabbing me.
Miles was grabbing me, but he wasn’t punching or kicking me, or doing anything on purpose to hurt me, even though his fingers were digging into my arms. He was clinging to me like a drowning man, his face was pushed up against mine, and he was hissing in a high-pitched strangled whisper, “What is it? Oh God, what is it, what is it?”
I looked back. The old man was pulling the gates shut – from the inside. Bars of orange streetlight fell across his face, and I saw – both of us saw – he didn’t have eyes.
Miles left me strictly alone after that. I’m fifteen now, and he’s at sixth form college. Sometimes if I’m in town with my friends, I’ll see him, but he’ll cross the street to avoid me. I can tell he still remembers.
Chips is a great little dog. Cars and buses don’t worry him any more. He sleeps on my bed at night, and Mum and I love him to bits. But I don’t walk him in the cemetery, and I threw the dog whistle away. And I don’t like orange streetlights.
They make everyone look dead.