9

I am a nonexistent person. Apparently the person I’ve believed myself to be for the entirety of my life does not truly exist. Which leads me to ask these questions: 1) Why have I been thrust into this nonexistent life by my father who claimed to love me? 2) Who is my real family and what do they know? 3) What am I supposed to do?

If Opal knows anything, she’s keeping quiet about it. I thought about pushing a little harder, but what if she really doesn’t know anything? I don’t want to crush the good memories she has left—and she has definitely self-edited most of her memories to make them all good (the ones about Mimi, anyway). In a couple of days, I’m driving to Tennessee. I’m planning to spend a week there and hopefully find out some more answers. Enough that I can go on with my life. Right now, I’m not sure how that’s possible.

I changed the cover of this journal. It used to say Kelli, but now it says Finding Kelli. That’s what I hope to do.

Find Kelli.

Kelli went to her parents’ house for the final time on Saturday. Even now, with everything moved out and the place completely empty, she expected to see her father walking down the steps, grin on his face, asking her if she wanted to go hiking up at Lizard’s Mouth, or paddleboarding at Goleta Beach, or kayaking at Leadbetter. It didn’t seem possible that he would never again do any of those things.

After her final walk-through with the Realtor, she handed over the keys. “I’d like to just sit on the steps for a few minutes before I go.”

Marian nodded. “Take all the time you need.” She squeezed Kelli’s arm, then hurried to her car as if afraid somehow the grief was contagious.

Kelli buried her face in her hands. This place had been her whole world for all of her growing-up years. Happy times and not so happy times, just like any other family. Only in this case there seemed to be one thing that most families didn’t have—it was all built on a lie. There had to be some sort of logical explanation for all that had happened, and Kelli intended to find out what it was.

“Sorry to see you go, neighbor.” Kelli looked up to see Julie Layton coming up the driveway toward her. Julie lived in Colorado but flew out to visit her mother on a regular basis. “I saw you over here and wanted to come tell you good-bye, and to tell you how sorry I am. About everything.” At fifty-something, Julie easily looked ten years younger, even with the no-makeup, slightly unkempt look she’d always favored.

Kelli remained seated on the steps but nodded her appreciation. “Thank you. It’s been rough around here lately.”

“For all of us.” Julie dropped down beside her, extending her tan legs in front of her so that her Birkenstocks rested on the edge of the lawn.

Kelli liked Julie, so she bit back her sarcastic response—her week wouldn’t have been nearly so rough if she hadn’t gotten fired for trying to help Julie’s mother. But Julie hadn’t been the one to make the call, and either way, it was done now, no reason to burn bridges.

There had been Dalton Construction trucks parked at Mrs. Layton’s all week without even a pause. Kelli wasn’t sure how that translated into a tough time “for all of them,” as it seemed more than apparent things were fine for the Laytons.

“How is your mom?” Kelli asked. Mrs. Layton had seemed to believe Kelli when she confided about the overbilling. Had she approved of, or even known about, Kevin’s phone call that ended Kelli’s job?

“She’s devastated.”

“Devastated?” Kelli glanced down the street toward her house. “Please tell her not to worry on my account. We’ve got the restaurant opening in the fall, and I’m sure I’ll be able to find another job to tide me over in the meantime.”

“You lost your job over this?” Julie’s voice held true surprise.

“Yes. Jimmy fired me as soon as I walked in the door on Monday morning.”

“Because Kevin called him about Mom?”

“Yes.” Kelli looked toward Julie, truly confused. “I assumed you knew that.”

“No. And please do me a favor and don’t tell Mom. I think that would put her over the edge. She’s so upset already.”

“What is she so upset about, then? Because Kevin didn’t believe it when I told him about the dishonesty?”

Julie inhaled, cranked her face up toward the sky as if to drink in the sunlight, then slowly exhaled and lowered her head. “Mom’s moving to San Francisco.”

“Why?”

“Kevin called an emergency teleconference of all us siblings on Sunday evening. Due to all that has transpired, he declared it too much of a burden to watch over Mom from afar. Since he is the one who handles all her financial affairs, and is the closest geographically, he is the one who has to drive down when there are health issues and whatnot. He found an assisted living facility close to his home and has made arrangements for her to live there starting next week. So tomorrow, instead of having a nice Mother’s Day brunch as usual, we’re packing up Mom’s things and getting her ready to move out.”

Tomorrow was Mother’s Day? Back when Kelli still lived at home, she and Dad had always made a point of fixing a nice breakfast in bed for Mimi, usually accompanied by a gift certificate for a day at a spa. This year, Kelli wondered how her real mother would be celebrating. “Your mom has always been such a do-it-yourself-type person. I’m surprised he could convince her to agree to a move like that.”

“You wouldn’t be so surprised if you knew Kevin better. He’s a master manipulator. He played it off to Mom that he wanted her to be closer to the grandkids, yada yada, and when she didn’t go for that, he threw in a whopping dose of guilt about what a burden it is on the family to have her so far away. That’s what got her to give in.” Julie shook her head. “Her independence was the one thing she always valued most, and now she’s lost it just that quick.”

“That is so sad.”

“I was the only one of the four kids against it, so I was overruled. Poor Mom, I heard her crying after she went to bed last night.”

“If she’s leaving, why are they continuing the remodel?”

“It’ll make the place look better when it goes on the market next month.”

“Can I go over and tell her good-bye?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” She put a hand on Kelli’s arm. “I don’t blame you a bit, you did the right thing. But last night, Mom said she wished she’d never answered the door when you came over. Seeing you right now would not be a good thing for her.”

Kelli looked toward the Layton house and thought about the wonderful woman who had lived there for at least fifty years and now was having to leave because Kelli had tried to help her by telling the truth. Why hadn’t she just kept her mouth shut? It would have been better for everybody. “Will you . . . tell her something for me? When you think she is ready to hear it?”

“What?”

“Tell her I’m sorry.”

Julie sighed and stood up. She kept her eyes focused toward her mother’s house. “Yes, when the time is right, I’ll tell her.” She turned and walked away without looking back.