45

Kelli was just pulling out of Memphis on her trip west when her phone rang for the umpteenth time. She looked and saw Beth’s name on the caller ID. As much as she didn’t want to face this, she knew that, for Beth’s sake, the sooner the better. “Hello, Beth. How are you doing?”

“The question is, what are you doing? Kenmore was just here, and he said you’ve left town. Is that true?” Her voice carried a high-pitched hysterical quality.

Kenmore told her? Kelli hadn’t answered his calls yet. “What else did he tell you?”

“He said you had an emergency, that you were on your way to California, and that you wouldn’t be back.”

“That about sums it up.” Good old Kenmore. She should have known she could count on him to smooth things out as best as possible.

“Then why didn’t you tell me about it? Maybe I could have helped you, too, you know. Did you ever think about that?”

“Beth, you’ve got enough troubles right now without me adding one more thing to the list.” Beth had no idea how true that was.

“Weren’t you even going to tell me good-bye?” Her voice was thick from crying. “How could you do this? To any of us?”

“I’m sorry. You’re right, I should have come over to say good-bye, but things came up so suddenly and I had to hurry, and like I said, I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Bother me?” There was no mistaking the hurt in her voice. “The person who has been my best friend for the past three months, the one who stood by me while I found out that my precious daughter had died, the one who cried with me at my daughter’s grave. How could that same person be so cruel as to just leave town without a single word to me?”

The four-lane highway was packed with summer weekend travelers—minivans loaded with families going on vacations, convertibles with young couples heading toward a romantic weekend, and Kelli. “I’m sorry.” It was all she could say. There were no excuses she could offer that would mean anything, and she knew it. “I’m going to miss you—you’ll never know how much. I hate that I have to leave you right now. I know it’s a really hard time, but believe me, there isn’t any other choice.”

“I’m sorry. I’m being selfish, aren’t I? Please tell me what’s going on with you and how I can help. I’ll do anything for you, you know that.”

“It’s something I can’t talk about, not to anyone. I hate to be that way, but that’s truly how it has to be.”

“If that’s what you say, then that’s what I’m going to try to believe.” Beth sighed. “You must have a really good reason to do this, even if you won’t tell me what it is.”

“I do. Thanks for trying to understand.” Kelli took one last deep breath. “Good-bye, Beth.” I love you.

“Good-bye, Kelli. Keep in touch.”

“Of course I will.” Even as the words came out of her mouth, Kelli knew they were a lie.

I am a terrible person. Just like my father was a terrible person. We both go around hurting the people who love us. We deserve whatever punishment we get.

I just keep pondering Miss Birdyshaw’s words right before I left. She kept saying that she’s not good enough—not in God’s eyes anyway—but I think she is plenty good. Dad used to tell me there wasn’t any need to go to church or do much in the way of learning about God if I was just a good enough person. He always implied that he was one of those people who was good enough not to need more—I think we all know better than that now.

Alison and Beth and Rand are all really good people, yet they say that’s not good enough without believing in Jesus. Denice and Jones are two of the best people I know, but they don’t really ever even think about God.

Maybe this is another area of my life where it’s time that I quit just trusting what my father told me all my life and look for the truth myself. Really seek it out.

Regardless of what I find, it does seem to me that my Tennessee family has a certain peace that my “good” friends back home seem to be lacking. Peace is something I could use a little more of. Right now, sitting in a hotel room in Arkansas, it is so far removed from me that I’m not sure it even exists anymore.

I’m just sorry I won’t be around Alison and Beth or Miss Birdyshaw anymore. They seemed to understand these answers. Perhaps in time, I would have, too.