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Slow Down! (You Move Too Fast)

Most aphorisms in praise of “slowing down” to appreciate this or that aspect of life are written by simpering poets (who encourage stopping “to smell the roses”) or by vegetarian folk-singers of questionable mettle. Zombies aren’t simpering, and they certainly aren’t vegetarians, but they do move slowly. Moving slowly is not a problem for a zombie. To the contrary, as a zombie proves, there can be distinct advantages to a more ponderous tread.

Did you ever hear of a zombie being nervous, or having high blood pressure (or blood pressure at all)? No. Zombies take it easy. If one human runs away, it’s not like there won’t be others. Slow and steady wins the race, and this is inherently apparent to a zombie.

People make fun of the somnambulist’s stagger that is the marching style of most zombies, but few people think of it as being like a really cool pimp-walk. Pimps are cool, and even when they’re in a hurry, they manage to put one foot in front of the other in trademark style. Evidently, zombies are the pimps of the netherworld, and their gait is inspired by the same confidence that gives a street pimp his style. (This may be something of an oversimplification, but at the same time, bitch better have my brains !!!)

Zombies also use their slow speed as a tactical advantage in many situations. Zombies walk but don’t run, so fleeing humans usually understand themselves to have a little time to run away. However, in doing so, these humans reliably make very bad decisions, of which zombies will happily take advantage. For example:

Ack, zombies! We just have time to barricade ourselves inside of an abandoned house and nail all of the doors shut, effectively sealing us in until the zombies catch up.

Ack, zombies! We just have time to run deeper into this abandoned mine (or system of caves), which we can only assume must go on forever.

Ack, zombies! We just have time to run to the other side of this tiny island (instead of, say, fixing our boat), where I’m sure there won’t be more zombies waiting for us.

In each of these cases, it is the impression zombies give that they can be at least temporarily outrun that leads their victims to make these bad decisions. Time after time, the zombie’s victims ironically place themselves in situations where the zombies’ lack of quickness will no longer be a factor.

Adopting a zombie’s style of movement can have numerous advantages for you as well.

When you move slowly, you’re apt to notice more of what’s going on around you. You’ll be more observant and take a lot more away from the experiences you have.

When you move slowly, you’ll also be less likely to miss things or make mistakes because you’re rushing to “get something off your plate.” You won’t gloss over the details. Slowness breeds effectiveness and quality work.

And when you’re eating something (like, I dunno, say ... someone’s head), slowing down will really help you savor the tasty goodness of the dish. You wouldn’t wolf down a five-course meal at Alain Ducasse, would you? Naw, man. Of course not. You gotta slow down and enjoy every morsel. It may take you longer to finish, but you’ll be glad you did!

Moving slowly creates opportunity. You can always speed up if you need to, but once you pass something by, it’s usually gone forever. A slow-and-steady zombie keeps his options open. You should consider doing this as well.

If you’re a slow-moving type, go ahead and be slow. Let the world adjust to you, not the other way around.

That’s what zombies do.

Zombie Tip:

The early bird gets the worm ...

but when zombies are early to stuff, it generally works against them. Their appearance, groaning noises, and powerful freshfrom-the-grave smell are usually clues to humans to stay away. If you want to be like a zombie, err on the side of being late.