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Bros Before Hos . . .

S’up fellas? Can we talk man to man for a second?

We know that bitches and hos have their place, but we also know just how frequently they can be trouble. Am I right?

Every group of friends has at least one guy who’s given up on his dreams in order to settle down at the behest of his significant other.

Pitiful.

We all know that p-whipped dude who might, somewhere inside, still recognize that he’d rather be out with his buddies roaming the night for a strange piece of tail, but who can’t even make it out the front door when his girl is anywhere in a twenty mile radius. This man is not who you want to be.

A zombie would never let a woman keep him at home. You don’t see zombies doing the shopping, picking the kids up from school, or relaxing in an armchair with a pipe and slippers. Zombies have the urge to wander the open plain. They are driven to be who they are.

Don’t try to tie one down ladies, cause it ain’t happenin’.

Zombies understand that a dude’s place is out with his bros. All for one and one for all. Whether it’s hitting the singles bars, attending monster truck pulls, or skulking around abandoned summer camps hoping to feed on the flesh of the living, a guy needs to be with his troops.

And what about sex?

If you’re not getting any, why should anybody else? You know good and well what I’m talking about. A celibate zombie loves nothing better than stumbling along a secluded lover’s lane, finding the prom queen and the quarterback going at it hot and heavy in the back seat, and breaking that shit up.

Zombie Tip:

Don’t play with yourself.

Because playing with other people is so much more fun. Remember, there are no zombie onanists—not out of any sense of guilt or shame, mind you. A zombie would simply rather be out trying to get some* instead of staying home and fantasizing about it.

*brains

Horny people are easy targets for zombies. They’re distracted, confused, and frequently try to run away with their pants around their ankles, which makes hunting them down that much easier.

It all comes down to being true to yourself. In life, you have to make choices. The zombie chooses never to settle down (or even to stop). Yes, it can seem harsh ladies, but the zombie knows he’s got to put his own needs first.

Note:

While it cannot be said that zombies make a concerted effort to consume either sex before the other, plenty of zombies do end up picking up girls late at night in secluded places. Especially girls with big, you know ... brains.