A Witch’s Guide to
Essential Etiquette
Laura Tempest Zakroff
Etiquette may seem like an old-
fashioned concept to discuss, but being aware of how to interact with others is essential to building a healthy community and developing your own personal practice.
So many people nowadays are introduced to the path of the Witch through books and solitary studies. For the most part, it is a wonderful thing that this type of information is more accessible than ever. It used to be that you had to find a coven or similar kind of group near you to learn from. But there is a drawback: details regarding interpersonal relationships and interactions are not covered in books, whether introductory or advanced. It can also be difficult to navigate social nuances through online courses. It’s so easy to lose the immediacy of human reactions as we make contact in cyberspace.
Another thing to consider is that we’re wading through a new age of religious and spiritual structure. Few of the religious paths that folks may originate from give much applicable guidance or structure when it comes to defining clergy, creating spaces, and dealing with issues that are specific to Witchcraft. There is no one holy scripture to dictate moral guidelines, ethics, and professional standards. For example, the Wiccan Rede may be followed by some Wiccans, but it isn’t embraced by all varieties of Witches, including myself. There are numerous codes, keys, oaths, and tenets—as many as there are traditions, if not more!
So how does etiquette help us? Whether you look at Witchcraft as a religion, a spiritual path, a vocation, a way of life, a method, a tool, or a mixture of all of these, the practice of etiquette applies to you. Let’s consider the definition of the word itself. Google Dictionary tells us that etiquette is the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group. No matter if we practice alone or in a group, coven, or church, social and professional guidelines help us create standards to hold ourselves to and aid us when working with anyone from any path. Etiquette can be the stars to guide our ships in fair weather, as well as the wind that moves us through difficult situations. It also helps us avoid situations that can be embarrassing or damaging. Or, at the least, it can aid us in recovering gracefully when we do make a mistake—which we are all inclined to do at some point!
The following guidelines are rules of etiquette that I follow and teach to my students. It’s not an easy path (another reason why it is often called the crooked path!), but these tips can make your journey smoother and less stressful. They’re also good for keeping your broom from being chewed on by the drama llama!
Your Word Is Your Worth
As Witches, we work with a lot of seemingly intangible things, such as spirits, deities, magick, and metaphysics. However, we know they are real from our own experiences. You should likewise consider what you say and what you write as also being real and having an impact. Words contain a lot of power, so they must be used wisely.
Be true to your word. If you cannot keep a promise or keep to your word, don’t lie. Instead, be direct and considerate. Avoid trying to appease others and making empty commitments when you know you can’t follow through. It’s better to be upfront and disappoint others at the get-go than to build up deception over time. You’ll forge much healthier relationships and have a lot less stress that way.
Value everyone you come across and treat them with respect, whether you know who they are or not. Often, amazing power can come from the most unassuming of packages, especially if given a chance to thrive. Community is built by recognizing the importance of all of the generations and cycles.
Don’t Piss on the Seedlings—They Become Trees
Value everyone you come across and treat them with respect, whether you know who they are or not. Often, amazing power can come from the most unassuming of packages, especially if given a chance to thrive. Community is built by recognizing the importance of all of the generations and cycles. Far too often we make assumptions about people we don’t know based on appearance, gender, age, or experience. Dismissing someone as an unimportant “weed,” as uninformed or inexperienced, because you’re not familiar with them will only get you in trouble down the line. We know as Witches that a lot of important magick can come from sources dismissed as mere weeds. In the garden we know that tending to seedlings with enough patience and care can produce amazing plants. Plus, we all have to start somewhere and we each have our own pace of learning and growth. Practicing mutual respect grows a healthy and diverse forest.
Speaking of Trees, They All Can Be Felled
No one is too tall, too mighty, too strong, too powerful, or impervious. There are always storms and forest fires, disease can come in many forms, and the ground underneath the tree may erode away. Essentially, no one is greater or better than anyone else. Even the seemingly smallest thing can cause something big to crash down. It’s important to practice self-respect, but don’t make the mistake of considering yourself more important than anyone or anything else. Trying to garner favor and power by threatening or bullying others is unhealthy and unnecessary—and a waste of energy that could be used instead to do something beneficial. Overestimating your power or pull can also get you in a lot of trouble metaphysically, potentially causing harm to yourself and others mentally, physically, and/or spiritually. Be confident, but practice humility and self-awareness, and you’ll have a solid foundation.
The Same Plant Can Heal or Harm
Depending on How You Interact with It
Nothing is entirely “good” or “evil.” Some incredibly helpful plants are invasive, while others have poisonous blooms but tasty roots. Some prickly plants provide homes for endangered birds.
Keep this same wisdom in mind regarding people. I am friends with a great variety of people, and some of those friends do not get along with others. I hear and acknowledge the differences of opinion and the problems, but I also recognize the strengths and positive attributes too. Just because someone disagrees with you on one topic doesn’t make them evil—likewise for the inverse. It’s far safer to understand nuances than to decree that everything must be absolute.
Cultivating a variety of people in your life who have different backgrounds and ideas is a beautiful thing. It prevents you from becoming ensconced in an echo chamber and breaks the comfortable bubbles we tend to float in. Differing opinions and points of view can stimulate new ideas and perspectives while also honing our problem-solving skills.
However, I’m not saying you have to tolerate people in your life who can be harmful through their words and actions. But it can be very beneficial to familiarize yourself with them peripherally. I have foxglove, nightshade, and hemlock growing naturally in my yard, but only the lavender, rosemary, and mint are allowed inside. Take this same approach with people: identify their nature, recognize their good and bad traits, and work with what is best for your needs. You don’t have to drink the poison that others dish out.
Don’t Poison the Cauldron
Speaking of beneficial and baneful traits, hold a mirror to yourself, your intentions, and your actions. Are you intentionally causing harm without reason? I’m all for hexing to bring justice, binding to contain a situation, and other forms of what can be considered baneful magick, but attacking others in your community out of spite or for perceived slights—through magick or words—is irresponsible. It may soothe your ego temporarily, but you do reap what you sow. Remember, we’re all interconnected on so many levels, and even more so in non-mainstream cultures such as the paths under the Pagan umbrella. We have far more in common than we are different. If you purposefully pour poison into the well you drink from, eventually you will feel the effects.
What’s Good for the Goose Is
What’s Good for the Goose
When someone states “This is how I do things” or “This is how it works for me,” that’s exactly what they are saying. They are not saying your way is wrong or invalid—unless they are saying precisely that as well. (Example: “This is the way that works, and your way sucks/is wrong.” That makes that person a jerk, and the validity of their opinion is likely suspect.)
The path of the Witch requires developing trust in your intuition and forging your own journey. You are your own pioneer, so your path is going to be unique to your own world. Because there is no one standard to go by, many practitioners fall prey to insecurity, worrying that they might not be doing it right or are missing something vital.
It’s natural to compare and contrast, but don’t create competition or drama where it doesn’t exist. It’s exhausting to always be on the defensive, and even more so when you don’t need to be. You’re not sure what someone means? Ask them to clarify, politely. Don’t read into something that’s not there.
Follow the Intent
Similarly, it is wise to watch and be aware of your baggage. If someone verbally missteps with a word or phrase, take a moment to consider what they really are trying to say. Rather than immediately getting defensive, going on the offensive, or being triggered, take a moment to reflect. What is causing this response in you? Is there something in your past bubbling up, a pattern or a behavior?
Communication happens in many ways and at multiple levels, including listening, processing, speaking, nonverbal cues, posture, tone, etc.—much of which can be extremely difficult to suss out online or if someone communicates differently from you. Ask yourself: Do they mean well or did they intend to harm? Is there a better and more productive way to address the issue? Is this the time or place for a teaching moment? Is the situation more conducive to calling in versus calling out? How would you feel if you were in their boots? Lastly, if it’s happening online, try to envision having the same experience face to face. (This guideline is courtesy of my dear friend Anaar.)
Threefold Literacy
Witches absorb, think, then act. This behavior should apply to all things, especially the internet. As I mentioned earlier, the Wiccan Rede, and particularly the Rule of Three, isn’t part of my path. But I do like the number three and have a guideline centered on it in regard to correspondence. My rule of three is this: Read everything three times before choosing a course of action. Similarly, I read my response three times before entering/sending it. This rule gives you time to absorb and make sure you understand what you’re reading, and eliminates most confusing or reactionary elements. It also allows you to beat the sinister demon of the internet: autocorrect.
Those Who Show Up Determine the Outcome—There Is No Absentee Ballot in Witchcraft
It’s amazing what people complain about, especially when it comes to events and happenings of a community nature. When there’s a problem trying to be solved, I constantly see people saying “That’s why I don’t do X/participate in the community,” and then they fail to present any sort of solution. It’s ridiculously easy to criticize, but it’s far more difficult to actually get up and do something about the problem. Words that aren’t followed up with action lose power. Don’t like the way something is run? Volunteer, offer assistance, or bring into existence your own vision if you dare. Community is created by those who show up. If you’re willing to raise your voice and want to see change happen, you should also be prepared to follow through by actively participating and being present to the best of your ability.
So those are nine guidelines to prevent Witch wars, foster community, and create a balanced path of living Witchcraft. We all make mistakes, but we can always try to do better. Be kind to yourself, and extend the same courtesy to others while co-experiencing this beautiful life. Go forth and manifest birches!
Laura Tempest Zakroff can be described as a professional artist, author, dancer, designer, muse, mythpunk, teacher, and Witch. She has been a practicing Modern Traditional Witch for over two decades and revels in the intersection of her various paths. She blogs for Patheos as A Modern Traditional Witch and for Witches &Pagans as Fine Art Witchery. She is the author of The Witch’s Cauldron: The Craft, Lore & Magick of Ritual Vessels and Sigil Witchery: A Witch’s Guide to Crafting Magick Symbols, and co-authored The Witch’s Altar with Jason Mankey. Laura resides in Seattle and can be found online at www.lauratempestzakroff.com.
Illustrator: Jennifer Hewitson