CHAPTER 5

The Handyman

Despite social stereotypes and expectations, most men can’t fix anything. If you’re extremely rich, this shortcoming isn’t a predicament. Lose your TV remote? A quick call to Best Buy can have a new plasma screen on your wall in minutes! Remember, changing batteries is for the poor, so just throw that remote away.

For those of us with normal bank accounts and cigarette lighters instead of flaming hundred dollar bills, these issues can get a bit trickier. You can try taking the rich guy’s strategy as your own, but soon your wallet is going to start feeling pretty thin. Instead, you’re going to have to bear down and learn how to fix things. That, or you’re going to have to learn how to fake your way through it. Luckily, all but a small marginally employed fraction of the population are absolutely horrendous at any sort of handyman work, so you’re unlikely to be caught in your web of lies.

At its most basic level, you can fake handiness just by learning the names of every tool. Knowing the difference between a crescent wrench and pliers will get you through the most basic and welcome situation: A friend fixes everything and you just hand him the tools while he works. It’s important to know what you’re doing here, though, because when he asks for a Phillips head screwdriver, you don’t want to yell, “Okay, Phil’s head is a little small, but you know he’s sensitive about it. Jesus, I don’t know why you have to bring it up every few seconds!” Congratulations, three-year-old kids who watch Bob the Builder cartoons would make more knowledgeable repairmen than you would.

You can rationalize your lack of mechanical ability all you like. This is something your dad should have taught you, but he was never home. (No, he wasn’t a workaholic—he was in prison for five years.) It’s not your fault the damn car broke—why didn’t those lazy slobs at the plant build it more carefully? That’s union labor for you. However, no amount of complaining is going to fix your problem, so eventually it’s going to be time for you to take care of business. Here’s where the faking comes in.

At this point, you must seek professional help and guidance for your problem, so instead of trying to fake your way through the fixing process, you have to explain why you can’t fix it. In fact, you can fake a pretty comprehensive mechanical knowledge without ever getting your hands dirty if you know exactly what to say at any moment. There is always some conceivable reason that you can’t fix something in your home, and it’s never “I have no idea what a carburetor is, what it does, or how to spell it.” Pay attention to this chapter, and you’ll come out fine.

The Magic of Owning a Drill

So you want everyone to think you’re some sort of handyman genius even though you have no idea how to use a hammer? Don’t worry, the ownership of a single tool can solve most of your problems. Those wanting to seem like an expert despite their complete lack of knowledge need to buy only one thing: a cordless drill. You spend less than a hundred bucks on one of these bad boys, and you can drill a hole in whatever you want. Plus, you can put together prefab bookshelves and tables in mere seconds with a screwdriver bit. This means that everyone will want for you to help with his lame Ikea purchases, and you’ll become the “guy who’s good with tools.” Little did they know that you think a hex wrench has something to do with voodoo.

Easy Things to Fix

You might not be able to fix most things, but the occasional little flourish can trick people into thinking you can. The following items are generally pretty easy to fix:

• Toilet. If it’s constantly running, take the lid off the tank and see if the stopper at the bottom is making a seal. If not, mash it down into place with your fingers, and the tank will slowly fill up. If the handle won’t make it flush, remove the lid and make sure the little chain that runs down from the handle hasn’t gotten disconnected. Occasionally, none of this will work and you’ll have to replace the internal workings. Don’t get too nervous here; just go to a hardware store and buy the kit. The instructions are completely self-explanatory, and there’s no way you can screw them up. If all else fails, throw an M-80 into the bowl and hit the deck. If you can’t fix something, you may as well play a timeless prank.
• Jammed lock. Unless you’ve broken a key off in it, you can usually get a troublesome lock to pop open with a squirt or two of WD-40. In fact, keep WD-40 around at all times. It’s great for lubricating metals, and it can remove tape or glue residue as well. You’ll look like a genius for spending two bucks on a can. Use it on squeaky hinges, stuck lawnmower blades, etc. Don’t use it to make one of those sweet blowtorches, though; girls haven’t been impressed by your ability to roast ants since the ninth grade.
• Nuclear fission reactor. The control rods are jammed in the up position?! We’d tell you how to fix it, but you’re probably already dead. Oops!

Excuses for Getting Out of Fixing Things

From toilets to tires, a wide array of items can easily break or flatten and any guy who cannot fix them will be completely and utterly emasculated in front of his friends, lovers, and appliances. So you’ve got two options: start learning how to fix everything in sight (which sounds like an awful lot of effort), or come up with reasonable, realistic-sounding excuses for why you need to seek professional help. The key is to be vague while still using enough technical terms that it sounds like you know what you’re talking about. Some examples:

• “Ah, that’s a European toaster…. I don’t have the equipment to ground its internal circuitry.”
• “Oh, man, I’d love to fix that, but it’s illegal to open one up without a license…. Yeah, lawnmower engines contain trace amounts of radioactive material.”
• “Yeah, I checked the septic tank. It’s a bigger problem than just the toilet itself…it has to do with the city plumbing.”
• “Sure I can fix that, no problem; do you know where the breaker-nine-series cables are for your home? It may be under the foundation.”
• “Look, I just have a little trouble using an arc welder since that one exploded and killed my dad, okay? But I do know how to use one.”

Dealing with Repairmen

Once you’ve made your peace with your family or roommates and called a professional to come fix whatever problem you’re having, the exhausting adventure has only just begun. We don’t want to make a sweeping generalization or a gross oversimplification, but anyone who will come to fix something in your home—be it a roofer, a plumber, or an electrician—is a fucking crook. There are no exceptions to this rule; repairmen evolved from ancient packs of roaming thieves. They’ll clean you out for all you’re worth if they see you as an easy mark, and nothing says, “Please rip me off,” like a guy saying, “I dunno what the problem is…hot water just stopped coming out.”

However, if you show some savvy, they’re much less likely to charge nine hundred for caulking that hole in your roof. A little bit of knowledge may go a long way into convincing your repairman that you are no upper-middle-class sucker. Just know:

• If whatever’s broken is supposed to be making things warm, like an oven, furnace, or water heater, make sure the pilot light is lit. If not, just relight it with a match or a lighter on your own and save yourself a ton of trouble and money.
• If something that’s supposed to move has stopped moving (like your washing machine, dishwasher, etc.), the motor or one of the belts has probably gone out.

Other than that, you’ll have no idea. Instead, look skeptically at the repairman whenever he gives you the diagnosis and the estimate. Any time he mentions a problem, raise your eyebrows and cock your head. If the estimate sounds high, and it will, say something to the effect of “It looked more minor to me; I might need to get a second opinion here.” He’ll respect your knowledge and your shrewd negotiations, and you’ll get a cheaper price.

If that doesn’t work, tell him you know another mechanic by the name of Benjamin Franklin who may be able to get you a lower price. When he realizes you are bribing him, tell him that you actually do know a mechanic born into a family of history buffs and that you are insulted that he assumed you were trying to bribe him. Threaten to sue unless he fixes what is wrong for free. Nobody wants a lawsuit like that hanging over them.

When You’re Forced to Fix Something

Nothing’s more humiliating for a man than when his excuses for why he shouldn’t fix something fail, and he’s forced to actually try to fix it. You’ll walk up to that broken water heater in front of friends and family, and you will fail. Unless you think ahead.

To safeguard against other excuses not working, you’re going to have to be clever. Buy a toolbox and fill it with tools. Now, take the box out into the street and throw it down as hard as you can five–six times. This way it will be dented and scuffed up; only pussies who can’t fix things have perfect prissy little toolboxes. When the time comes, walk up to the broken appliance with authority, open up your toolbox and start rooting around in it. After a few moments of searching, yell, “Aw…fuck…where’s that pipe wrench? Jesus Christ, I told you guys to stop borrowing my tools!” Everyone will start looking at one another, mentally trying to finger the tool thief. Now you can just say, “You know what? Fuck it. It would cost more to buy a new one than it would to call a plumber,” and go to the phone and call a plumber before anyone can object. Not only did you get out of having to fix it, you’ve also sown the seeds of discord among your group. When everyone’s a suspect, no one’s innocent.

 

QUICK TIP: Technically, your Rolls-Royce is in the shop—as long as shop means the “dealership,” and your means “anybody’s.”

Her Car Trouble—Act Knowledgeable

Most car troubles can’t be fixed at home, that’s why God invented auto mechanics. However, if your lady friend is having car problems, she is going to expect some level of expertise out of you beyond just “I have a yellow pages in the back, baby. Just choose the closest one and I’ll drive you there at halftime.” Regardless of what happens, you’re going to tell her to see an auto mechanic to fix her problem. You just have to pretend like it was an educated suggestion or else she’ll see you for the lazy idiot that you really are. Get in the car with her and give it a drive. If the car makes a noise, say, “Ah, that doesn’t sound so good. Probably a timing-belt issue.” If the car doesn’t make a noise, say something like, “You hear that? It’s sort of a really low-level whirring? That doesn’t sound so good. I’d take it to a mechanic.” If she asks you to fix it, tell her you would, but you left that plank of wood with wheels on it in your other pants.

The Undercover Mechanic

So your girlfriend’s car is broken, and she keeps asking you to take a look at it. Doesn’t sound so bad, but you don’t know how to change the oil, much less check the engine timing or replace a fan belt. Well, that doesn’t mean you can’t make the repairs. Just arrange for her to leave for an afternoon to go shopping with a friend, see a movie, visit her parents, or something similarly lengthy. As soon as she leaves, take her car to a mechanic and tell him you’re in a huge hurry. Have the mechanic fix the problem, pay him, and go home. Put on an old white T-shirt, and wipe down a greasy part of the engine with a rag. Now, rub the greased rag on your shirt, hands, forearms, and a swipe across the face. When she gets home, you’ll look like her knight in grimy armor, and she’ll never know you didn’t lift a finger to do any actual work. But be considerate, don’t throw your sweaty grease-stained shirt onto her face and say, “You owe me a chicken dinner, bitch.”

 

QUICK TIP: Even though the only thing you can fix on a car is filling up the gas tank, doesn’t mean that’s always the problem. Also, you have some gas on your feet.

Cleaning a Girl’s Car

For some of us, even the simplest tips are too difficult to fake our way through, and there’s no way we can possibly fix anything to impress a young lady with our mechanical acumen. If this is the case, you must cheat. The easiest way to establish a psychic link in her brain between you and mechanical know-how is to clean her car. This is no small task, though; it’s a scientifically proven fact that along with girls’ bathrooms, girls’ cars are some of the most unexpectedly disgusting places in the universe. Old salads from 1997, term papers from freshman year, dead possums…it would not be surprising to find any of these items in a girl’s trunk. Roll up your sleeves, throw away all the trash, vacuum out the interior, and give it a good wash. A coat of wax can be added in the event that you’re really, really trying to get laid. Now, you’ve shown that you’re handy, but also domestic, by doing nothing more than plugging in your vacuum.

After reading this book, you can successfully fake your way through the following surgical procedures: None. Surgeries You Still Can’t Perform: All of them.

Breaking Her Stuff

Sometimes girlfriends get angry at their boyfriends when they don’t prove themselves handy enough around the house. Yelling, “I wanna see YOU fix the kitchen sink, slut!” isn’t a great way to prove her wrong. Instead, break little items around her house, like a lamp or a stove. But remember how you broke it. Then when she notices it’s not working, just undo what you previously broke. Make sure to throw in some handy quote like, “There’s your problem right there.” Then whisper, “Your boyfriend is a compulsive liar.”

Fixing somebody’s appliances is much easier when you know exactly how they broke. Just make sure you can physically undo any damage you inflict.

The Cool Man’s Guide to Blogging

You probably think there is no such thing as a “Cool Man’s Guide to Blogging” because blogging is inherently very nerdy. And you would be absolutely correct. But, if you do have a blog, not all hope is lost. There are certain rules one must follow to ensure that any sense of dignity you did have before blogging still remains.

 

Rule #1: Never blog about anything serious, ever. Emotional blogging is the absolute worst form of self-therapy. It’s unbelievably pathetic to spill your beans into a diary that’s accessible to everybody you know. Be a real man and keep your feelings bottled up inside—or purchase one of those pink fluffy diaries with a lock. Joke’s on you, though; all the keys to those things are the same. Now, to see how you really feel about Sally Thompson…

 

Rule #2: If you’re going to choose a domain name for your site, try to keep it to just yourname.com. It may seem cool to purchase Bestblogever.com or Blog-Diarrhea.com. But when a girl ends up asking you, “Oh, you have a blog? What’s it called? Can I read it?” it’s much more normal-sounding if you just say, “Oh, it’s just my name.com” instead of, “Oh, it’s actually called BustaBlogOnYourFace.com…it’s…an inside joke.”

 

Rule #3: Do not update your blog more than once a day, and even that is pushing it. Blogging once a day means you have too much free time on your hands, blogging fourteen times a day means you have too much dry semen on your hands. Everything in moderation.