Tessa watched as the pretty redhead cheerfully handed Clover’s lead rope to Dr. Voss before walking out of the ring, waving to Johnny over her shoulder.
“She seems very sweet,” she murmured to her husband, whose eyes were still tracking the young woman’s retreat.
Overhearing, Dr. Voss smiled pleasantly and said, “Quinn is wonderful. She’s one of our very best volunteers—great with the horses, even better with the clients, especially the children. I don’t know what we’d do without her.”
“She sounds valuable enough to hire on full-time,” Johnny observed, transferring his laser focus to the doctor, who sighed a little.
“I wish we could. I’ve talked to the board about it but there’s just no wiggle room in the budget since hiring, well, me. Also, the fact is that I’m not sure Quinn would take the job if we offered it. She seems to really enjoy making her own schedule and keeping odd hours.”
Johnny’s frown made Tessa’s stomach tighten into a knot. “I know she’s been looking for paying work. This place seems a lot more suitable for someone like her than working in a bar.”
Dr. Voss tilted her head, studying Johnny’s expression as if she were learning something new about him. “It’s kind of you to take an interest in someone you’ve only just met.”
“Johnny is nothing if not kind,” Tessa said, trying to tamp down her sudden, irrational jealousy and failing miserably. “But Quinn is an adult, and she seemed perfectly capable of making her own decisions.”
The way Johnny blinked as he stared down at her made Tessa wonder if he’d forgotten she was there. “You haven’t met Marcus Beckett. If you had, you’d understand why I’m concerned.”
Tessa was afraid she understood all too well. Johnny had kind of a thing for saving people. It was, after all, how they’d met. And why they’d gotten married, and stayed married for so long. It stood to reason that now Tessa had finally grown up and started looking out for herself, Johnny might be looking around for someone new to save.
She was being unfair. Tessa pressed her lips together, sickened by her own bitterness. She needed to let go of this, if she was serious about working on their marriage.
With the near-magical sense of timing she’d displayed already, Dr. Voss gently drew them back to the purpose of their visit to Windy Corner.
“Today is about me getting to know the two of you, individually and as a couple, so I can be your mirror. My job, as I see it, is to reflect your relationship back to you, allowing you to see how you interact and hopefully gain insights into your dynamic as a couple that will help you interact in healthy and productive ways.”
At Tessa’s side, Johnny shifted his weight slightly, as if suppressing a sigh. This must be hard for him. For her part, Tessa was glad of Dr. Voss’s friendly, straightforward approach. She seemed less like a doctor and more like one of the older women from the commune, who’d seen it all and had the faith in their own experiences to prove it. Those women gave great advice, if one cared to listen, but they didn’t like to offer a step-by-step how-to for solving problems.
Every person, every relationship, every problem was different. There was no one-size-fits-all solution for a happy life. Tessa’s parents hadn’t wanted to believe that—they’d lived their lives according to the idea that if everyone in the world would follow the same philosophy, the entire world would be a better place.
Maybe they were right about some of it, but Tessa had understood before she knew how to talk that following her parents’ one-size-fits-all lifestyle would never make her happy.
Baking sinfully delicious pastries made her happy. Drinking wine with Patty made her happy. Being independent made her happy.
The rest of her life was a work in progress, but for the first time ever, Tessa was pretty sure she was on the right track. Even if the person who made her happiest—and saddest—in her entire life was both right beside her … and feeling further away than ever.
She tuned back in to Dr. Voss’s speech in time to see her slip the halter off Clover and hide it behind her back. Clover stood politely still, as if this were all old hat to her, while Dr. Voss showed them the halter that she had now unhooked until it looked like a random bundle of worn brown leather strips attached to each other with flat metal circles.
Holding it out between them, Dr. Voss said, “Go ahead, take it. I want you to put it back on Clover.”
Johnny’s lips twitched, and Tessa knew he was holding back a comment about how if Dr. Voss wanted the halter on the horse, she shouldn’t have taken it off in the first place.
As if to show he was willing to be a good sport about it, though, he reached for the halter.
The minute he’d grasped it, though, he held it out to Tessa with a smile that was only slightly forced. “Here, honey. You try it first.”
Tessa fought not to melt at the smallest hint that Johnny was trying, but it was tough. She’d been conditioned to hunt and gather those tiny signs of affection and respect from Johnny. Not that he’d ever been cold or deliberately cruel—never that. But he’d been distant. Unreachable.
No matter how much she’d loved him, no matter how much she’d wanted to read into his absentminded good-night kisses and his sincere thanks for the dinners she put on the table, Tessa had never truly been able to fool herself into believing it was enough.
But as she gazed into his brown eyes and read the sincerity there, she began to wonder if maybe, just maybe, Johnny had never been as far out of reach as she’d thought.
Pushing the halter back toward his chest, Tessa quirked a grin and said, “You just want me to get it going for you.”
“I should have mentioned,” Dr. Voss broke in, “this exercise is partly about cooperation and teamwork. So feel free to work together, or not, as you choose.”
If Johnny didn’t let himself roll his eyes soon, Tessa was afraid he’d strain a muscle.
“So what the doc is saying is that she’s making a note of everything we do, and judging us based on whether we work together or not,” Johnny muttered under his breath. “I, for one, don’t intend to give her the satisfaction. How about you?”
Tessa grabbed the halter from him, jingling it gamely. She wished she’d been paying better attention when the thing was on the horse. Did this strap go behind the horse’s ears? Or under its nose?
“Okay, fine.” She turned the halter over and over in her hands. “Give me a crack at it.”
Johnny held up his hands as if to say “It’s all yours,” but Tessa caught the slight lift at the corners of his full, kissable lips. He didn’t think she could do it on her own. Sending him a narrow stare, she went back to the halter with renewed determination to figure it out by herself.
In the end, it took both Johnny and Tessa working together about twelve minutes to get the halter put together and on the horse’s head correctly. Hot-cheeked and sheepish, Tessa crossed her arms over her chest and waited to hear Dr. Voss’s diagnosis.
Johnny, who’d been quiet since she snapped at him over the placement of the last clasp, stood at her side with a hard jaw and a blank look on his face. Unhappily aware of what a mess they must look like as a couple, Tessa lifted her chin and forced herself to stand tall.
But Dr. Voss didn’t seem upset.
“Well done,” she said calmly, tucking her pen behind her ear and flipping to a new page in her clipboard.
Well done? What exercise was she watching? Tessa bit her lip against saying anything, but she should have known the doctor would notice.
“You don’t feel you did well, Tessa?” Dr. Voss asked, all unflustered interest.
“It took us a long time,” she pointed out. “And we weren’t exactly the model of good communication while we worked it out.”
“But you did work it out,” Dr. Voss countered. “And you could have moved much more quickly, considering that Johnny knew exactly how to put the halter together before you even began.”
* * *
Johnny winced, unable to wipe the guilty look off his face in time to hide it from his wife.
“Is that true, Johnny?” she demanded, aghast. “You could have put the halter together right off the bat?”
“I grew up on a farm,” he reminded her helplessly.
Tessa looked away, her shoulders hunching in a way that was so familiar it made his gut clench. “Oh, right. Of course. Lord, you must think I’m such an idiot.”
“I have never thought that.” Johnny couldn’t let that stand. “You’re not an idiot.”
She shrugged but wouldn’t say anything else. Johnny’s hands tightened into impotent fists at his sides.
“As it happens,” Dr. Voss said gently, “your communication as a couple is pretty good. The reason Johnny held back was because you’d asked him to let you try. From my observations, that was difficult for him, but he did it. He only jumped in when it became clear that you were becoming frustrated and upset, Tessa. Would you like to talk about why this exercise may have brought up emotions you weren’t expecting?”
Tessa’s shoulders hunched further, and Johnny couldn’t stand it. He stepped forward to wrap his arm around her while giving the doc a look. “Maybe not today, okay?”
Something flickered in Dr. Voss’s deep brown eyes. “My other observation from your interactions is that Johnny is quite protective.”
He stiffened. “Nothing wrong with that.”
Dr. Voss inclined her head. “Not at all, especially given that you seemed willing to allow Tessa space to be independent when she asked … up to a point. But I wonder if you’ve considered that Protector is your default setting with your wife.”
Part of Johnny wanted to drop his arm and step away from Tessa, but he didn’t. It clearly wouldn’t fool anyone at this point, anyway. “Protecting people is what I do for a living. And the first person I’m committed to protecting is my wife.”
“The issue I see here is that you may have become more protector than husband,” she said quietly.
“Are you saying I can’t be both?” Johnny demanded. “A husband and wife should take care of each other. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, right?”
He didn’t know much about what made a good marriage—God knew his parents were no shining example—but he knew that.
And Dr. Voss apparently didn’t disagree. She nodded easily. “Absolutely. It’s a question of balance, give and take. And in the conflict Tessa obviously feels toward your protectiveness, I’m seeing a potential imbalance in that aspect of your relationship.”
Screw this. Johnny clamped his jaw shut, unwilling to say more. He knew this song and dance. The patient stillness, the expectant pause, letting the silence stretch until the other person broke and filled it. Johnny had played that game himself, many times, and won.
You’re going to have to do better than that if you want to see me crack.
What Johnny wasn’t counting on was that he hadn’t been Dr. Voss’s target. At his side, Tessa straightened and shook off his encircling arm. There went that chin, those slender shoulders pulling back as if she were facing a firing squad.
“Johnny is very protective. Not just of me, but it’s always been a big part of our relationship. When we met, I needed his help very much, and I continued to rely on him for longer than I should have. It’s not his fault—he’s not trying to smother me, or anything.”
Dr. Voss gave Tessa a grave nod. “I never imagined that was the case.”
Tessa relaxed a bit, and Johnny had to hand it to the doc. She was a pro. Using misdirection, she’d pushed Tessa into opening up. He stared at Dr. Voss with new respect, but the woman’s entire focus was on Tessa.
“Good. Johnny isn’t the problem here. I’m the one who demanded to be allowed to try the exercise on my own, even after you told us it was about teamwork, and I’m the one who get all hot and bothered when it turned out to be harder than I thought.” Tessa shook her head in dismay and Johnny ached with the need to reach out to her, to pull her back from the brink of herself. But when she turned to him, the clear resolve in her eyes told him a hug wasn’t what she needed just then.
Johnny’s mouth went dry. God, she was gorgeous. And stronger than she even knew. They locked eyes for a long, heated instant that brought a flush of beautiful color to her pale cheeks.
Tessa glanced back to their therapist. “You asked why I got so frustrated. I’m not sure what the answer is, but I guess it probably has to do with the way I was raised.”
In a few brief, dispassionate words, Tessa outlined her past for Dr. Voss. The commune, the back-to-nature philosophy, the home-schooling … her parents. “They were very dedicated to their way of life. Well, are, I suppose. I assume they’re still on the commune. I’m no longer welcome there, and I’ve never gotten a response from any of the letters I’ve sent my mother over the years.”
Johnny’s eyebrows went up. He hadn’t been aware that Tessa had reached out to her mother, or that she’d endured the heartache of getting only silence in return.
“I got my GED after I married Johnny,” Tessa was saying to Dr. Voss, the pride in her tone a bare echo of how proud he’d felt the day he’d come home from work to find Terri clutching the official certificate in her trembling hand.
He hadn’t even known she was studying for the test, he remembered now, grimacing at the memory of how he’d picked her up and swung her around in celebration … then told her she should have let him know so he could help.
Talk about a hard habit to break.
“After I got my GED, I took a few classes at the community college,” Tessa continued. “That was my first experience in a classroom with other students.”
Johnny blinked. He’d never thought that through, and she’d never mentioned it. “Was it weird?”
“Yes, very.” Tessa reached up to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, a nervous gesture left over from her Terri days. “Home-schooling with my mother—she did her best, but let’s just say that questions were not encouraged. There wasn’t a lot of discussion, different interpretations of what things might mean, different readings and opinions. Those community college classes were nothing but different opinions! And the questions, not just clarifying facts, but actually questioning the professor’s findings or arguing with the textbook! I couldn’t believe it. And I definitely didn’t know how to handle it.”
“That must have been frustrating,” Dr. Voss said.
Tessa smiled faintly. “And upsetting. I nearly stopped after the first semester. I do my best not to think about how hard things were for me back then. But it was the first thing that popped into my head when you asked why I hated this exercise so much. It was because it felt exactly like sitting in that classroom with everyone around me talking over each other, debating with each other, while I had no idea how to join in.”
And then she’d discovered that Johnny had known the answer all along, just like those college kids who hadn’t included her.
“So when I turn away your help and get frustrated because I can’t do something,” she concluded, “it taps into all the pain I felt after I left home.”
“I had no idea you were going through all that.”
“You were busy, and I hid it well,” Tessa said with a rueful smile. “I wanted you to think I was strong, mature, capable … You know, it’s funny; now that I actually feel stronger and more capable, it’s less scary for me to show it when I’m frustrated. Maybe that’s progress.”
“If it matters,” Johnny said, chest tight, “I think you’re amazing for accomplishing what you did back then—and I think you’re amazing now, for how far you’ve come.”
Tessa flushed and ducked her head, and Johnny felt warmth spread through him at the pleased look on her face.
Johnny was still staring at his wife, caught in the undertow of an emotion he couldn’t name, when Dr. Voss tucked her clipboard back under her arm and said, “I think we’ve done excellent work today. See you again on Friday?”
Walking Clover out of the ring, she left Tessa and Johnny gazing at one another in a moment of hushed intimacy, with new information and the start of a new understanding filling the empty air between them.