ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Still in the police station. On the desk between OFFICER DELAIRE and the two men is an open pizza box. All three are enjoying a slice and some pop.

OFFICER DELAIRE

So you’re travelling five hours in a twenty-year-old school bus to end up in a potentially volatile situation. There’s a woman at the other end of this journey who has expressed extreme hostile intentions for one of you should you set foot in Dead Rat River. You’re not making any money to perform. And everybody else has pulled out of this concert event due to hazard risks. Have I got this right?

RUSSELL

We really need to hire a legitimate booking agent.

OFFICER DELAIRE

I’m not superstitious or anything like that, but what more do you need to know before it occurs to you this might not be a good idea? A burning bush? A decapitated cow?

BILLY

Sure, this is all 20/20 hindsight. Everything is obvious that way.

OFFICER DELAIRE

So what exactly did you know about the DRR conflict?

RUSSELL

Just what Billy and Buck told us.

BILLY

It’s just the usual story. Native people own the land but not the resources underneath. Some copper ore is discovered and now everybody wants a slice of the pie. Federal, provincial, municipal, and corporate people try to bully the Native people. Then they discover Native people don’t want to be bullied around. Same old, same old.

RUSSELL

Yeah, that.

BILLY

The dispute intensifies . . .

OFFICER DELAIRE

Barricades go up.

RUSSELL

I thought it was to keep the crowds back. You know, from rushing the stage.

BILLY

He actually did believe that.

OFFICER DELAIRE

And this Sadie Thomas woman . . .

BILLY

Thompson. Sadie Thompson.

OFFICER DELAIRE

Right, Thompson. It says here . . .

BILLY

I’m sure whatever she said, she exaggerated.

OFFICER DELAIRE

Okay. Tell me about her. Other than the fact she’s your cousin. Your . . . kissing cousin.

BILLY

She . . . she has issues.

OFFICER DELAIRE

We all have issues. I have issues. My dog has issues. Issues in general . . . Or issues just specifically with you?

BILLY

Well, it depends on how you interpret reality.

OFFICER DELAIRE

It usually does.

SCENE TWO

Everybody is still on the bus. BUCK is talking.

BUCK

Yeah, seriously. In my younger years, I also used to drive stock cars too. That’s why I love highway driving.

He shifts gears and floors it. Everybody leans dangerously to the left as BUCK makes a radical lane change.

JENNIFER

Our Father who art in Heaven . . .

RUSSELL comes from the back of the bus, carrying some drinks for everybody. He passes them out.

RUSSELL

Hey take it easy there, Buck.

BUCK

Just because your people invented the internal combustion engine, doesn’t give you the right to tell me how to drive. Quit oppressing me.

BUCK makes another radical lane change.

JOANNE

Don’t . . . Don’t . . . don’t aggravate him. Any idea what we’re gonna do when we get there?

RUSSELL

Hey. I didn’t book this. I’m not the leader, remember? Just a nameless member of this democratic collective. Why aren’t you asking Billy?

ANDY

(rhyming)

It seems our friend Billy doesn’t feel like talking.

Turns out Buck’s news was a little too shocking.

RUSSELL

Billy! Snap out of it. Maybe you’d care to fill us in on the tale of Sadie Thompson and what we’re getting into.

PAULINE

Might as well. We’ve got time to kill.

BILLY has been lying down on a free seat near the back. Brooding. Reluctantly, he rejoins them.

BILLY

Well . . . you’ll laugh at this . . . really . . .

RUSSELL

Oh great. I need a good laugh. Make me laugh, Billy. Please make me laugh.

BILLY

We dated for about a year and a half.

RUSSELL

Your cousin?! You never, like, noticed her at any of the family functions? Sitting across from you at Christmas dinner? Passing in the hallway at school? Going trick-or-treating together? Or is this some sort of “Native thing”?

BILLY

No, you’re misunderstanding the whole thing.

RUSSELL

I hope so.

JOANNE

How can you not know you’re dating your cousin? What little I know about Native communities is that practically everybody knows everybody else’s business. This is a hard thing not to notice.

JENNIFER

There are entire passages in the Bible about this kind of stuff.

PAULINE

Everybody, let Billy explain.

RUSSELL

And you’re okay with this?

PAULINE

As I said, let him explain. Billy?

BILLY

What you don’t know is my uncle used to play for the Otter Lake Warriors, a baseball team. My mother’s older brother. The team was quite good. They played all over the province, tournaments and stuff, including where Sadie’s from. He ran into her mom. Spent a couple weeks together and so on. The rest of that part of the story I think you can figure out. Flash forward twenty years. Sadie and I bump into each other at her community’s powwow. We hit it off. Started hanging out together in Toronto. Again, you can figure out the rest of that by yourself.

JOANNE

So how . . . how did you find out about each other?

RUSSELL

This should be good.

BILLY

Well, I finally took her home to meet the family. My uncle was there for a barbecue, and the usual questions popped up, like, Where are you from? Who do you know? Who are your parents? What year were you born? The usual stuff. Didn’t take long for my uncle to put two and two together . . .

JENNIFER

What happened?

BILLY

I guess you could say Sadie didn’t take it well. Fastest breakup I’ve ever had. I mean, I told her, Look at the bigger picture. We didn’t know. It wasn’t our fault. It just happened.

JOANNE

I can’t get this image out of my mind now, all my cousins sitting in a hot tub with me. Naked. (she shivers) And now she hates you.

JENNIFER

Wow, I have four cousins, and I couldn’t ever imagine dating any of them. Of course they’re all under fourteen . . . and girls . . . but still . . .

RUSSELL

There’s dislike, and then there’s murderous rage. Why does this Sadie Thompson seem to be leaning towards that end of the spectrum? I mean, this is embarrassing but . . .

PAULINE

I agree. It’s completely out of proportion. Who here hasn’t made a silly and embarrassing mistake like this?

ANDY / JENNIFER / JOANNE / BUCK

Like this? Not me. Are you kidding? There are laws against this. No way, Jose.

BILLY

That was about three years ago or so. I read somewhere that tragedy plus time equals comedy. Who ever said that has never met Sadie.

JENNIFER

Wow. And she’s from this Dead Rat River?

BILLY

She’s not from DRR, but evidently she’s living there now. Lucky us.

BUCK

With the chief.

BILLY

With the chief. Heading their version of the local Warrior Society.

PAULINE

The point is, this is not Billy’s fault. Well, it is kinda both of theirs but not to the point of her threatening to kill him. It just happened and Billy has moved on. But she hasn’t. I say we just ignore it and move on. Technically, it’s not really an issue anymore. Just to her.

ANDY

(rhyming)

Yet another sad tale of tragic love between a he and she.

Still, are we gonna pull over soon? I really have to pee.

JENNIFER

I was not expecting all this. She sounds dangerous. Should I be scared?

BILLY

I’m sure Sadie’s just exaggerating. Nothing will happen.

RUSSELL

Good, ’cause you’re the only one she’s threatening. (to JOANNE) I told you this was a bad idea. I told you I didn’t think he was right for Cerulean Blue, but did you listen? I don’t think so. Now we’re going to the corner of Apocalypse Now and Deliverance.

PAULINE

Calm down, Russell.

They all ride in silence for a few seconds.

ANDY

(rhyming)

I really do have to pee,

And that should . . .

Oh fuck it. I really gotta take a whiz. Can we stop?

BUCK

Next stop isn’t for twenty minutes.

ANDY

And what am I supposed to do . . .

BUCK

The back door swings open. The windows open.

RUSSELL

This is rapidly becoming a nightmare.

PAULINE

If it helps, Billy is sorry. Aren’t you, baby?

BILLY

Very. She’s made this a very hard thing to forget. She says it gravely embarrassed her at home, with her family. Ever since then she’s requested one of those ancestry.com histories from all potential dates. I think she’s a little paranoid. Claims everybody knows about it and is judging her. It’s all just a horrible misunderstanding.

JENNIFER

Maybe we should have had that purification ceremony.

BILLY

Probably wouldn’t have helped.

JENNIFER

I thought you said I was the one who was supposed to bring guilt on this trip?

They ride in silence for a few more seconds.

ANDY

Hey Joanne, can you pass me that water bottle?

She hands him a half-filled one. ANDY takes it.

ANDY

(rhyming)

I know this seems counterproductive

But to a full bladder, an empty bottle is very seductive.

He drains the bottle then settles low in a seat.

JOANNE

What are you talking . . . Oh gross!

ANDY

(rhyming)

I am open to other suggestions . . . Oh that feels good . . .

In situations like this, one does what one can, not what one should.

RUSSELL

(to JENNIFER) Just another typical Cerulean Blue tour.

SCENE THREE

Later that afternoon. The bus arrives and finally stops in Dead Rat River First Nation, a secluded field with some teepees scattered around. The door opens. Two Native women, RUBY and LENORE, stand by, waiting.

BUCK

Welcome to wonderful downtown Dead Rat River. Please mind your footing as you exit the bus. And remember, if you hear popping or ricocheting sounds, please duck.

One by one, stiff and tired Cerulean Blue members exit the bus. They stretch and look around.

JENNIFER

I am not sure I understand the Native sense of humour.

BUCK

I am going to park the bus over there by the fence, where you can unload all your equipment when you want. Thank you for flying Air Buck.

BUCK and the bus exit.

ANDY

(rhyming)

Everyone, this is why I absolutely hate to tour.

Another reason why I refuse to go north of Bloor.

LENORE

(consults clipboard) Excuse me, are you people the . . . Norwegian Stew?

RUSSELL

Oh for Christ’s sake . . .

JENNIFER

Excuse me. I would appreciate your not taking the Lord’s name in vain.

RUSSELL

Why not? They’re taking ours in vain. It’s Cerulean Blue. Cerulean Blue. Say it with me: “Cerulean Blue.”

LENORE

Cerulean Blue. And just what is a Cerulean Blue? I mean, I know what a Norwegian Stew is, but I’ve never heard of a Cerulean Blue.

RUSSELL

It’s a colour, a shade of blue. Kind of a cobalt, azure shade. Sort of a metaphor for the kind of modernist blues music we encapsulate . . .

LENORE

Cobalt . . . Azure . . . So technically, your group name is . . . Blue blue? I like Norwegian Stew better. Whatever, welcome to Dead Rat River First Nation. My name is Lenore and this here is Ruby.

RUBY waves.

LENORE

We’re the organizers of the Dead Rat River National Save Our Traditional Lands and Rights Music Festival, which, I assume you have been informed, has been downgraded to (checks clipboard again) An Evening with Norwegian Stew, which obviously we will have to change.

JOANNE

We just went through some sort of checkpoint. There were lots of people with lots of weapons. It looked kind of scary.

LENORE

Yes, it has made going to the Tim Hortons kind of difficult. Oh well, war is hell. Now this is where you will be staying . . .

RUSSELL

Where will we be staying?

LENORE

Here.

RUSSELL

What “here”? This is a field.

LENORE

Nothing gets by you city boys, does it? Yes, this is a field. And on this field, over there, you will find some teepees. That is your accommodation till An Evening with Norwegian Stew is over.

JENNIFER

My goodness, teepees . . . Who would have thought we’d be staying in teepees?!

RUSSELL

This is a Native reserve.

PAULINE

Actually teepees are more indigenous to the prairies. Over the years, much like totem poles, they have become quite ubiquitous as symbols of Native culture. Almost to the point where practically every Native community will have representations of Native cultures from all parts of the country scattered through their village, be they inukshuks or dream catchers. I believe, traditionally, this was wigwam territory.

LENORE

Let me guess, your Indian name is She-Who-Reads-Too-Many-National-Geographics. Yes, these are teepees. Now normally we would put you up at the Holiday Inn but at the moment, they don’t seem interested in taking any reservations from the reserve. So as usual, we have to adapt. Movement and accommodations are a little stressed at the moment – you can thank your government for that – and we were lucky enough to get you these teepees, left over from a tourist event we held last month. Look, two are even blue blue.

JENNIFER

How rustic. And what about the washrooms?

LENORE

That’s even more rustic. The porta-potty will be delivered in the morning.

ANDY

(rhyming)

Shitting with the raccoons and peeing with the deer,

Tell me someone, how far away is the Annex from here?

LENORE

You know, we have a wilderness camping program on the reserve that caters to taking middle-class white people out in the bush to be one with the land and frolic in the bulrushes like our ancestors did. We usually charge a thousand a pop for that. So consider this a freebie, a fringe benefit. I believe the proper term for you entertainment people is “swag.”

RUSSELL

Crap . . .

LENORE

If you must, in that ditch over there till the porta-potty arrives.

RUBY spots BILLY and nudges LENORE.

LENORE

Hey, you’re Billy Burroughs, aren’t you?

BILLY

Me? Yeah. Why?

LENORE

No reason. No reason at all. Your reputation precedes you.

RUBY and LENORE stare at him for a moment, peering into his soul.

LENORE

Very interesting. Oh well, any other questions?

PAULINE

Your friend there doesn’t say much.

LENORE

Ruby’s on a language fast.

PAULINE

Do I have to ask?

LENORE

For the next week, she will not speak any English. Only Anishinabe, what you may know as Ojibway. That is a language fast. It’s a journey Ruby has decided to take, to improve her willpower and help generate self-discipline, while paying respect to her heritage. It’s a Native thing.

RUBY gives them a thumbs-up.

LENORE

Now, will there be anything else?

JOANNE

We are really starved. Somebody mentioned something about some fresh fish for dinner.

LENORE

Each teepee is equipped with a frying pan and a fishing rod. The lake is half a mile in that direction. Go nuts. All our hospitality staff are busy at the barricades, so the entire community is operating at a bare minimum. We are happy to have you here. We appreciate any help we can get. Right, Ruby?

Once again, RUBY gives an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

LENORE

Okay then. I suggest you all get a good night’s sleep. I’ll be back in the morning to fill you in on tomorrow night’s concert.

JENNIFER

Excuse me but are there any wolves or coyotes or things like that around here that we should be worried about?

LENORE

Nope. The bears scared them away. Ain’t that right, Ruby?

RUBY briefly acts and sounds like a scary bear, then a scared coyote or wolf running away.

JENNIFER

Oh my goodness!

LENORE

Sleep tight. See you tomorrow.

JOANNE

You’re not staying?

LENORE

Nope, running late already. I have to sneak through the barricades and drive an hour south to Baymeadow. I’m in a community production of this play, a musical. Ever heard of Les Misérables?

RUSSELL

You’re kidding?!

LENORE

You don’t think Native people can be eclectic? (singing) “I dreamed a dream . . .” Sure, hire the Native woman to play the prostitute. Typical. After the show’s done, I may have to file a human-rights complaint.

RUBY gives her another thumbs-up.

RUSSELL

How ironic . . .

LENORE

How is that ironic?

RUSSELL

You’re in a musical about rebellion and barricades. And you’re here, involved in both.

LENORE

Yes, I can see the irony practically dripping from the barrels of all those guns. And I don’t think Les Miz is a good role model for what may happen here. We’re a little more optimistic. Oh, by the way, you guys do any AC/DC?

RUSSELL

No.

LENORE

I thought one of the first rules of show business is know your audience.

The two women exit the campground.

JOANNE

Russell, if it’s possible, the shit we are in has just gotten a foot deeper. And us without a ladder.

ANDY

(rhyming)

Russell, pulling things out of the water is never my wish

Even as a kid, I never played that stupid game, Go Fish.

Let me go home. I’ll drum by Skype.

RUSSELL

Why are you all coming to me? This isn’t my mess. Mr. Burroughs is the gentleman you should be appealing to.

PAULINE

Russell, leave Billy alone. He never meant for any of this to happen.

BILLY

No he’s right, Pauline. This is all my fault. With Sadie, with joining the band, with bringing us up here to this mess. Not one thing has gone right.

Everybody is silent.

JOANNE

This is not a matter of assigning blame. We all agreed to come up here . . .

RUSSELL

I said not to.

PAULINE

Yes, Russell, we know. No wonder Mom and Dad wanted to send you to military school in Kingston.

RUSSELL

Hey, I’m not the one who disappeared to a kibbutz in Israel for a year. And we’re not even Jewish.

PAULINE

I was trying to find myself.

RUSSELL

News flash! I found you, and guess where I found you? Behind the barricades at a place called Dead Rat River First Nation. You’ve been on a hell of a long journey just to end up here. You keep looking in everybody else’s backyard except your own.

PAULINE

At least I’m out there looking, not trying to make the world do what I want, or even put it in order. I have done things you would never believe. I have seen places that defy description. I have met people who’ve changed my life and whose lives I’ve changed. That’s a little more important than running a band nobody wants you to run.

Beat.

JOANNE

Well, past experience has taught me that between these two, this could take forever. I’m going to bed. This sibling squabble was old two years ago. I got this teepee. Jennifer, you take the blue one over there. Andy, take the yellow one way across the field. Way across the field. You guys figure out your own. Good night, you two, I’m going to get my stuff out of the bus, then set up my grassroots accommodation. (to PAULINE and RUSSELL) You two try not to get any blood on the teepees.

BILLY

But it’s early, the sun is still up.

JOANNE

Yeah but that bus trip just about killed me. And they could be at this for hours. One Thanksgiving when I was with Russell, I put a turkey in just as they got started, when they finished I had to throw it out. Besides, I’m beat.

JENNIFER

To tell you the truth, so am I. Wow, take a look at all those big trees and all that magnificent and mysterious forest. It’s just like something out of A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

JOANNE

Then let’s get the puck out of here.

JENNIFER walks towards her teepee. ANDY follows her until JOANNE realizes what he’s doing.

JOANNE

(shouting) ANDY!!!

ANDY changes course to his own teepee. They all exit the stage, leaving behind the remaining three, still breathing with emotion.

RUSSELL

Pauline?

PAULINE

Russell?

RUSSELL

Even though this has been said before, by many others to many other others, I say this as honestly as one brother can possibly say to his sister. Bite me.

PAULINE

Sorry but one side effect of living on that kibbutz for a year is I don’t eat pork.

Pissed off, RUSSELL walks to his teepee.

BILLY

You two have some issues.

PAULINE

He only sees himself at the centre of the world, he doesn’t see the world around him. I guess that teepee is ours. Hmm, looks Plains Cree, possibly Assiniboine. You coming?

BILLY

Not yet. I’m not tired. I’m a little wound up. I’m going to hang out here for a while.

PAULINE

Billy, don’t let all this get you down. I’m sure everything will be okay. I have faith in you. I have faith in how things will turn out.

BILLY

I just hope I don’t let you down.

PAULINE

There’s no way you could do that. This fear you have of performing . . . It’s just a little speed bump on the road of life. It’s an irrational fear, and they may be the most stubborn, but they are also the weakest. I’ll get our stuff.

PAULINE exits, leaving behind a despondent BILLY. He surveys the land around him, sighs, and gathers up some sticks. He is putting together a fire.

BILLY

(singing to himself) “There’s no business like show business . . . no business I know . . .”

SCENE FOUR

Later. The sun has set, and BILLY is tending a fire alone. After a few seconds, RUSSELL emerges from his teepee, yawning and stretching. He sees BILLY and debates whether or not to go over, but having limited options, he saunters over to the fire.

RUSSELL

Hey.

BILLY

Have a good nap?

RUSSELL

It’s been a long time since I slept on the ground. People pay a thousand dollars for this?

BILLY

Thirteen hundred if you want a lean-to built by an actual real-life Aboriginal, according to Buck. There’s a course on lean-to building at the college.

RUSSELL

Really?! Wow.

BILLY

White people can be stupid.

They both share a laugh.

BILLY

Russell, you’ll be happy to know . . . I’m thinking of leaving.

RUSSELL

Leaving?! Leaving what?!

BILLY

The band. Here. Everything that’s wrong now started with me. Maybe it’s better if I leave. Safer anyways.

RUSSELL

Look, sorry if I came down hard on you earlier. I was a little angry and tensions were running a little thick. You leaving won’t solve the problems. If anything, it will make things worse.

BILLY

That’s nice of you to say but let’s face reality here . . .

RUSSELL

What about Pauline?

BILLY

I got the impression you two weren’t really that close.

RUSSELL

Let’s pretend I am.

BILLY

You see, I don’t know . . .

RUSSELL

You don’t know. You’re making all these big decisions and you don’t know. Don’t you think you should before you decide a course of action?

BILLY

I thought you didn’t like me.

RUSSELL

I’m just thinking about the band. And my sister. Besides, where are you gonna go? You’re deep in hostile territory and I don’t think the cavalry comes to the rescue anymore.

BILLY gives him a peculiar look.

RUSSELL

Bad choice of metaphors I know.

BILLY

I think there’s something else I should tell you.

RUSSELL

Oh God, what now?

BILLY

I wasn’t really that interested in joining your band. Playing in front of people. I really wasn’t. It was your sister who pushed me.

RUSSELL

I knew you were one of her make-work projects. Why? You in some sort of witness-relocation project?

BILLY

No. But I have a . . . I guess you could call it a crippling fear of performing in public. More than a dozen people watching me and I curl up into a fetal position. Both literally and figuratively.

RUSSELL

I see the problem.

BILLY

Grade eight school concert. I was onstage. Playing my guitar. A string broke. My voice broke. I peed myself. All in that order. That was the last time I was onstage. I’m sorry, man, I think this is a case of false representation. Your sister, she doesn’t seem to understand that there are some things that really scare people. More people fear performing in public than dying. Everything’s a challenge to her. I really admire that. And I really hate that.

RUSSELL

You should have told us. I mean, not just me. This matters to the whole band.

BILLY

I know. But she told me not to. She thinks, when push comes to shove, everything will be . . . okay.

RUSSELL

I wonder what colour the sky is in her world.

They both laugh.

BILLY

That’s one of the reasons I think I should leave.

RUSSELL

Why are you so scared?! I mean, we all get a little nervous every time we perform. It’s a good thing. Gets the adrenaline flowing.

BILLY

I don’t know. It makes me uncomfortable when people look at me. Maybe ’cause I come from a big family. Everybody was so loud and outgoing. And usually every time I was the centre of attention, it was not a good thing. I used to get teased and picked on a lot. Or blamed. It was always better to fly under the radar.

RUSSELL

Hmm, and what were you going to do tomorrow night? Onstage, when we started into our first song?

BILLY

Well, either play along. Or pee myself. I don’t see much middle ground.

RUSSELL

You do know most of our equipment is electrical?

BILLY

I envy guys like you. I can tell you love it up there.

RUSSELL

More than love it. I need it. More accurately, the band needs it. What we’re all waiting for is that “snap,” you know, that comes when everything is just right. When I’m up there, and Joanne and the rest are just solid, and we’re a band and we’re hot, we feel a snap. Call it a runner’s high or a rush of endorphins, whatever you want to call it. But that’s why we do what we do. We sure don’t do it for the money or the fame. That’s a laugh. We do it to feel that snap. Once we got that, makes all this worth it.

BILLY

A snap, huh? Maybe I should try that.

Suddenly they hear a noise off to the side. Four people approach: SADIE, RUBY, OTTER, and ARTHUR.

RUSSELL

Seems we got some guests. Fans, do you think?

BILLY

Oh shit. Just the opposite. I do believe that’s Sadie and I think that’s that Ruby woman, and I don’t know the other two.

RUSSELL

That’s the famous Sadie?! She seems so tiny.

BILLY

So’s a bullet.

The new quartet stop just short of the fire. They size each other up.

SADIE

Billy Burroughs. Either you didn’t get my message or you ignored it.

BILLY

Hi, Sadie. You’re looking good.

SADIE

Are you trying to make small talk with me? Are you that stupid?

BILLY

I missed you too. Who are your friends?

SADIE

This is Arthur, my boyfriend and chief of Dead Rat River.

ARTHUR

On behalf of Dead Rat River First Nation, I’d like to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule and donating your talents to helping us in this difficult time of struggle. (beat) As Sadie’s boyfriend, I’m going to beat your fucking head in.

SADIE

And I think you know Ruby.

RUBY gives him the finger.

SADIE

And this is Otter, Ruby’s interpreter while she’s on the language fast.

RUBY gives them another finger, then elbows OTTER.

OTTER

Ah . . .“Fuck off.”

BILLY

This is Russell Aymes. He’s the . . .

SADIE

I don’t care who he is. I sent a message letting you know you aren’t wanted here. Just because you’re in some two-bit blues band . . .

RUSSELL

Hey, hate the guy but don’t hate the band.

SADIE

. . . hasn’t changed anything. Married your sister yet?

BILLY

They’re all married . . . but that’s not the point. Jesus, Sadie, that was a long time ago and it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. It was just one of those things that happened.

SADIE

One of these things . . . Your family sends me invites to all the family gatherings. Your uncle – my so-called father – keeps wanting to know what I want for my birthday and Christmas. My so-called half-sister is in some sort of financial difficulty and the collection agency has started calling me. Somebody put me on the emailing list for a porn site called Keep It in the Family. Your aunt needs a kidney and wants to know if I’m using both of mine . . . do you get where I’m going with this . . .

BILLY

That’s the funny thing. The reserve has such defined boundaries yet my family doesn’t.

SADIE

And I think you always knew.

BILLY

No, you’re being ridiculous. There’s no way I knew.

SADIE

You commented how we dressed the same.

BILLY

That doesn’t mean anything. We dressed in black. Everybody dresses in black. And you should see this guy and his sister. They don’t dress anything alike.

SADIE

We like the same things. We have the same hair and eyes.

BILLY

We have the same hair and eyes because we’re both Native.

RUSSELL

Have you guys thought of . . . I don’t know . . . seeing a therapist or mediator?! I hear they can do wonders.

RUBY mimes a message.

OTTER

Ruby says . . . “Shut up, you asshole.”

RUSSELL

I liked it better when you were on your language fast.

RUBY mimes again.

OTTER

That . . . was I think something about your mother and a hockey team . . .

Sound of a rustling behind them and PAULINE crawls out of the teepee, awakened by the discussion.

BILLY

Oh great . . .

RUSSELL

Ah Pauline, maybe you should . . .

PAULINE

What’s going on? Who are your friends?

RUBY nudges SADIE and points.

OTTER

That’s the one, she says.

SADIE

Your new squeeze.

BILLY

How did you know?

SADIE

Why do you think I sent Ruby in? Information. Nice to know you’re dating outside the family. (looking at PAULINE) She’s cute. Just like your wine preference – something cold and white, rather than warm and red.

RUSSELL

Hey, that’s my sister you’re . . .

ARTHUR

As chief, I must urge you to remain neutral in this situation. It is an internal issue best left to those personally involved in this particular conflict. (beat)As Sadie’s boyfriend, interrupt her again and I will beat your fucking head in.

SADIE

Just leave, Billy. You’re not wanted here. Don’t play tomorrow night or things could get ugly. This is my territory now. You’re alone here. Just a friendly word of warning.

BILLY

How friendly?

SADIE

All things considered, not that friendly.

PAULINE

(approaching) Did I miss something?

SADIE

No, we were just leaving. Bye.

SADIE and RUBY turn to leave.

ARTHUR

As chief, I can’t tell you how grateful Dead Rat River First Nation is to have you perform tomorrow night on their benefit. Your participation in this event has already strengthened our position and supported our fight. (beat) As Sadie’s boyfriend, show up tomorrow night and I’ll beat your fucking head in.

RUSSELL

You know, I had one ex-girlfriend cut up all my clothes. All things considered, I think I got off easy. I could actually feel the hate coming off her in waves.

PAULINE

What was all that about?

BILLY

That was Sadie.

PAULINE

Her? Wow, she looks so small.

RUSSELL

So does a bullet I’m told. Now admittedly, I don’t know many Native customs but that sounded like a threat to me. A threat that says we shouldn’t perform tomorrow. What should we do?

PAULINE

She threatened you?! If she didn’t want us here, and her boyfriend is chief, why did Cerulean Blue get an official invite in the first place?

BILLY

He may be chief, but the Dead Rat River Defence League includes the council and several members of the community. He was probably outvoted.

RUSSELL

So what are we going to do?

PAULINE

Billy honey, I was thinking. Maybe we should all leave. Get the hell out of here. I hate backing down in the face of a blatant abuse of power but this whole thing has a bad feel to it. This probably isn’t the best place for your debut with Cerulean Blue. Especially with your . . . um . . . problem . . .

RUSSELL

I know about his problem. Nice of you to let me know.

PAULINE

Let’s just say I knew you wouldn’t be very supportive. Now, about leaving . . .

BILLY

Do you know how to drive a bus?

PAULINE

We’ll get a cab.

RUSSELL

A five-hour cab ride. We’d have to pawn all our equipment.

BILLY

No. Russell was right.

PAULINE

He was?!

RUSSELL

That’s good to know. What was I right about?

BILLY

The only point in running is having a place to run to. You’re here. The band is here. Where am I going to run to?

RUSSELL

Just five minutes ago . . .

BILLY

. . . was five minutes ago. A lot can happen in five minutes. According all those physicists and their Big Bang theory, everything in the universe was created in something like half a second.

A voice calls out from JENNIFER’s teepee.

JENNIFER

(offstage) Everything was created in six days.

PAULINE

Are you sure this is a good idea?

BILLY

No, but it’s the only one I have.

JOANNE emerges from the bushes.

JOANNE

I thought I heard voices. Anybody catch any fish yet?

RUSSELL

Where were you?

JOANNE

Visiting the ditch. Charming place, really. A family of raccoons watched me.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights bathe them in bright light.

RUSSELL

Oh God, it’s not them again, is it?

JOANNE

Who again?

BILLY

(pointing in the opposite direction) They left that way. I don’t know who . . .

The lights go out and ASHLEY comes running up to them.

ASHLEY

Here you are! I’ve been looking all over for you guys. It took me forever to find out where you were.

JOANNE

Ashley? What the hell are you doing here? Where’s Casey?

ASHLEY

Casey is a bastard. A really horrible bastard. I left him.

RUSSELL

It’s only been a week.

ASHLEY

A lot can happen in a week. It’s over. We’re through. I couldn’t stay in the same city with him. I needed some time away. I needed my friends. So I thought I’d, like . . . come up and join you guys.

PAULINE

You drove all the way up here?

BILLY

That must have been some fight.

RUSSELL

Ashley, you don’t drive. How did you get here?

HELENA, Ashley’s mother, saunters in, looking greatly displeased.

HELENA

I smoke one cigarette during my pregnancy and this is the daughter I get. Where are we? The Gulag Archipelago?

PAULINE

How did you get across the barricades? They said they were closing off the roads.

HELENA

Darling, I was raised in Lebanon. Canadians don’t know the first thing about decent barricades. Now, if somebody can point me to the nearest Four Seasons . . .

RUSSELL

Ashley, you know we hired a new keyboardist. You were out of the band.

ASHLEY

You are going to let me back in, aren’t you? I need you, the band . . .

JOANNE

What happened to the whole it’s-a-new-world thing you wanted to grab hold of?

ASHLEY

I may have exaggerated. You see, I realized there was nothing wrong with the old world.

HELENA

Oh, just let her do her piano thing. It’ll make her happy. Where is that young man who talks funny? He amuses me.

RUSSELL

The problem is, what would we do with Jennifer?

JENNIFER emerges from her teepee.

JENNIFER

I heard my name. What’s going on out here? Are we having a party?

ASHLEY

Is that her?

HELENA

Why are we standing in the middle of a field?

JOANNE

It’s a long story.

BILLY

I don’t know any of these people. I think I’ll go to bed.

PAULINE

Maybe I’ll join you. (to JOANNE) You can fill us in later.

They exit into a teepee.

ASHLEY

Do you know how hard it is to find Dead Rat River? Most of the people we asked thought we’d made the name up.

HELENA

They said they were going to bed. Why are they going into those triangle things?

JENNIFER

Russell, introduce me.

RUSSELL

Okay, Jennifer, this is Ashley and this is Helena, her mother.

JENNIFER

I am so delighted to meet you. Welcome. We’ve had quite the adventure.

HELENA

I don’t do adventure. (still looking at the teepees) That movie . . . Dances with . . . something . . . That’s where I’ve seen those things. Ashley honey, we’re here now. I’m tired. I need less field and more martini. Do something.

ASHLEY

Yes, Mother. (to JENNIFER) Hello.

There is an awkward silence. ANDY crawls out of his teepee, stretches, and notices all the new people.

ANDY

(rhyming)

Man, I’m hungry. I’d kill for some chicken wings.

Ashley? Helena? What time is it? Did I miss something?

ASHLEY

Andy, I’m divorcing Casey.

ANDY

(rhyming)

See what happens when we leave the city. Divorces, threats, nothing to be eaten,

Let’s go home where there’s love, peace, and definitely lots and lots of chicken.

HELENA

(to ANDY) Hello, darling.

ANDY

(rhyming)

Oh my, my,

Mama’s apple pie.

SCENE FIVE

The Dead Rat River Community Hall. Midday. The band set up their equipment. Other people mill about setting up chairs and other concert equipment. BILLY and RUSSELL work with the amplifiers.

BILLY

This is the last chance to change our minds. Better and smarter bands than us would be kicking stones to the next town. Not every band needs an Altamont.

RUSSELL

Cerulean Blue doesn’t run.

BILLY

Has Cerulean Blue ever been in a situation like this before?

RUSSELL

No, but it’s the principle. We’re a blues band. We’re supposed to be used to trouble. The more trouble, the better the blues.

BILLY

I guess. But you don’t strike me as the troubled sort.

RUSSELL

Try spending two years with Joanne. Try kicking some lyrics out of a drummer who would rather sleep or party in Kensington Market all night. And don’t get me started on Ashley and Casey. I’ve lost more sleep over them than everybody put together. And you’ve met my sister. I’ve had my share of the blues-ish experience. It doesn’t all have to be heartbreak and depression. Sometimes it’s just about the detours in life, in trying to go from A to B. (pause) Speaking of which, how’re you doing? I mean, nervous-wise?

BILLY

Fighting every possible impulse to run out that door and keep running. I keep looking at the clock. Fingers are cold.

RUSSELL

Not good in a guitarist.

BILLY

Sure you still want me onstage?

RUSSELL

It’s all the same. If you quit now, no guitarist for the show. If you go onstage and then find yourself unable to play, still no guitarist. But on the off chance my sister is right and you do pull it together, we have a guitarist. A small chance is better than no chance. Sometimes plugging the hole of an inside straight with the river card can actually happen.

BILLY

Wow, that’s almost deep. Thanks for the support . . . I think.

RUSSELL

Of course, that’s assuming nothing else out of hand happens tonight. You do lead an interesting life, Mr. Burroughs.

BILLY

What’s that old saying . . . May you live in interesting times. Whoever said that, I don’t think they’ve ever dated their cousin. (pause) Hey Russell, ever been in a fight?

RUSSELL

Sure I have. Joanne’s tougher than she looks. She has this way of kicking your knee out from directly beneath you. Took two semesters of physical training when she was going to university to be a cop. Way back when.

BILLY

Joanne? Really?

RUSSELL

Oh yeah. Only dropped out when touring with the band screwed up her grades. The late nights and later mornings. That’s kind of when we broke up. Kind of blamed me for it.

BILLY

But she’s still with the band?

RUSSELL

What can I say? She loves the music.

BILLY

Or maybe still you?

RUSSELL

Oh no. That ship has sailed. Long ago. Long, long, long ago. I’m barely tolerated. Some things in this world should not happen. Metallica doing an Elton John tribute album is probably one of them. Planting a vineyard in Nunavut is another. And Joanne and me trying to hammer out a relationship is definitely on that list. We’re lucky there were no civilian casualties involved when things ended. And we weren’t related.

BILLY

Very funny. Well, you got me to fight with now.

RUSSELL

Don’t forget Pauline. Actually, your annoyance factor has been greatly reduced. I don’t know if I would be as calm in a situation like this if I were you. I’m not good with surprises. I like a cool, planned, well-orchestrated tour.

They work a bit longer. JENNIFER wanders over.

JENNIFER

Hey Billy, what’s that building next door? I keep seeing a lot of babies going in and out.

BILLY

I was told that’s the prenatal clinic. If Dead Rat River is anything like Otter Lake, most of the babies on this reserve were probably conceived in the community hall parking lot after the dances. So I guess it made sense to put the prenatal clinic right beside it. One-stop shopping. It’s a . . .

RUSSELL

. . . Native thing?

JENNIFER

I’m going to go look at some of the babies.

RUSSELL

Excuse me, have you finished setting up your keyboards?!

JENNIFER

No, but I’m almost . . .

RUSSELL

“Almost” is not finished. No baby-watching till your work is done, young lady.

A disappointed JENNIFER turns and leaves.

JENNIFER

Ahh . . .

RUSSELL

It’s like being a father. (pause) Think they’ll be any trouble tonight?

BILLY

I’m thinking positive. There will positively not be any trouble tonight.

RUSSELL

I’ve tried that positive-thinking thing. It doesn’t work a lot of the time. You still got that sweet grass handy? Just in case.

BILLY

I thought blues bands didn’t purify?

RUSSELL

They don’t play a lot of places called Dead Rat River either.

JOANNE wanders over.

JOANNE

Well, I’m set. When do you want to do the sound check?

RUSSELL

Check with Andy. We’ll need another fifteen minutes or so. I’m a little worried about the wiring in this place. It all looks old. We’re going to be pulling a lot of amps out of the system.

BILLY

You can thank the Department of Indian Affairs for its fine construction and maintenance of these establishments. The best we can do is keep our fingers and toes crossed.

RUSSELL

You and your ancient and wise Aboriginal sayings. (looking around) Where is Andy anyway?

JOANNE

We’re not sure. If you’ll notice, Helena is missing too.

RUSSELL

(imitating HELENA) “The boy who talks funny. He amuses me.”

JOANNE

Exactly. You don’t think . . .

JENNIFER wanders back.

RUSSELL

Oh my dear Lord . . .

JENNIFER

That’s the spirit. See, it’s not so hard. Okay, I’m done.

BILLY

(to JOANNE) What about your friend Ashley? Where’s she?

JOANNE

Pouting somewhere. I think she still wants to play with us but . . .

Suddenly the door swings open and CASEY is standing there, looking a little worse for wear, looking around desperately.

CASEY

(shouting) ASHLEY! ASHLEY!

RUSSELL

This just gets stranger and stranger.

JOANNE

Casey?! What the hell are you doing here?

CASEY

I came to find my Ashley. I love her. I need her. I must find her. Where is she?

PAULINE

(overhearing) In the toilet I think.

CASEY

I must go to her. I will not lose her. I have crossed mountains and rivers for her . . . literally. (shouting) ASHLEY!

JOANNE

Casey, calm down. I thought you guys had a fight?

CASEY

It was a misunderstanding. You know, the normal Capricorn–Libra thing.

BILLY

Oh that.

CASEY

Who are you?

JOANNE

That’s Billy. He’s . . . uh . . . the new lead guitar.

CASEY

Oh well, good luck. Have fun. I’m married and make sauces now. (shouting) ASHLEY!

ASHLEY enters, surprised to see CASEY.

ASHLEY

You came!

CASEY

Of course I came. There is no place you could go that I wouldn’t follow you . . . in a non-threatening, non-stalker, totally female-empowering manner.

ASHLEY

In a non-codependent way I was worried you wouldn’t. I wasn’t sure . . .

CASEY

There’s no place you can hide . . . not even some obscure Indian reserve outside of Bumblefuck, Ontario.

BILLY

First Nations community, if you don’t mind. (to RUSSELL) Does any of this make sense to you?

RUSSELL

Kinda. Their relationship has always been more dramatic. They should have been actors, not musicians.

JENNIFER

I think it’s so romantic.

ASHLEY and CASEY kiss. HELENA and ANDY enter. He has lipstick smeared all over his face and neck.

PAULINE

Now there’s something you don’t see every day.

HELENA

What?! What are you looking at? Go look at something else . . . oh crap. (spotting ASHLEY and CASEY) Here we go again. When did he show up?

JOANNE

Just now.

HELENA

She’s happy. He’s happy. I suppose I should be happy. (to ANDY) You, my little muffin, are you happy?

ANDY

(rhyming)

I am always happy.

Happy happy happy.

HELENA

Good for you. Wait till you hit thirty. Isn’t he adorable?

JOANNE

Sure, you say that now. Wait till you have to feed and clean up after him.

BILLY

I told you white people were weird.

JENNIFER

How can you say that when your girlfriend is white?!

BILLY

Yeah but everybody looks alike in the dark.

RUSSELL

I don’t need to hear that . . . Okay everyone, this is all nice and fabulous. But we still have a show tonight and we’re only half set up. We still have to do the sound check and do a quick rehearsal, something we are woefully short on. So if we can leave all the hugging and kissing to Casey and Ashley, maybe we can actually do something productive today. We may not have much of an audience tonight but we’ll make sure they remember the group Cerulean Blue.

This gets a rousing cheer from the band and friends. They take the stage and pick up their instruments. JENNIFER speaks quietly to ANDY. She also takes a moment to wipe some of the smeared lipstick off his face.

JENNIFER

(quietly) Hey Andy, I just heard . . . that Joanne and Russell used to be an item, back when the band first got started.

ANDY

(rhyming)

In the early years of Cerulean Blue, that was true

Russell and Joanne were, you could say, true blue.

JENNIFER

Well, do you think that maybe they might get back together?! I mean, strange things have already happened on this trip, and the Good Lord does work in mysterious ways.

ANDY

(rhyming)

Sweetheart, that relationship long ago met its painful and timely death,

But it makes me wonder if you’re on some Christian form of crystal meth.

RUSSELL

All right, Cerulean Blue, are we all plugged in and ready to . . .

The door opens. SADIE, ARTHUR, OTTER, RUBY, and a few others walk in. They do not look pleased.

PAULINE

Shit. Billy, it’s . . .

BILLY

I see them.

A chill passes through the community hall. An uneasy BILLY approaches SADIE and other members of the First Nations band, who stand a few feet behind.

SADIE

You’re still here.

BILLY

Yeah. Um, I kind of hoped you were kidding. Just blowing off some steam.

SADIE

Then you were wrong. Dead wrong.

BILLY

We aren’t looking for trouble, Sadie. We’re just here to perform, like we were asked. We’ll do that, then we’ll leave you, this village, and everything. Promise.

ARTHUR

And for that, the good people of Dead Rat River First Nation are grateful. Support, in whatever form, is thankfully appreciated by its residents. (beat) Now get the hell out of here.

RUBY gesticulates at all of them.

OTTER

She says you’ve got more people now. There weren’t this many people getting off the bus.

SADIE

Reinforcements?

RUSSELL

Friends.

HELENA

Who is this woman in the ugly shoes?

RUSSELL

It’s a long story.

HELENA

Again with the long story. Why is everything a long story? I used to work in a publishing house. Synopsize!

JOANNE

The woman with the ugly shoes is Billy’s ex-girlfriend. They don’t want us here.

HELENA

That’s your long story?!

SADIE

There’s not going to be a concert tonight.

BILLY

Sorry, but the Dead Rat River Defence League says there is. You may be on it but I don’t think you run it.

SADIE

Arthur is the chief. We’ve been checking. According to previous band council resolutions, he does have the final say and authority in situations like this. And he says . . .

ARTHUR

. . . no.

RUBY nods affirmatively.

OTTER

“Yeah!”

ARTHUR

Considering that tensions are running quite high in the community and surrounding area, I have decided that a concert by Cerulean Blue would not be in the best interests of Dead Rat River First Nation at the moment. Perhaps in the future, when common sense has prevailed and good relations have been restored, we can revisit the idea of hosting such a concert. (beat) Until then, fuck off.

SADIE

You heard the man.

RUSSELL

So we’re cancelled. After all this, it’s been called off.

PAULINE

That’s not fair.

JOANNE

Can we sue?

ANDY

(rhyming)

We weren’t getting paid, remember?

We’re fucked, using the vernacular.

RUBY waves goodbye.

OTTER

Goodbye and have a nice trip.

RUBY disagrees with the translation.

OTTER

No, get lost and piss off.

RUBY agrees. Then there is a silence in the hall.

BILLY

You win.

SADIE

There was a doubt?

JENNIFER

What a bitch!

SADIE

If you start packing up, you might make it out of here before dark. These roads can be very dangerous at night.

RUSSELL

No.

RUBY responds.

OTTER

She says, “No? What no? What are you ‘no-ing’?”

RUSSELL

We’re here to perform and we’re gonna perform. What’s the worst that can happen?! They throw us in jail?! Hey, that’s the kind of cred we need in the blues business. I say we stay – and play. Right, Billy?

BILLY

You wouldn’t believe how much I want to.

SADIE

What are you talking about? He’s deathly afraid of performing in public. When you showed up, I thought you were the roadie.

JOANNE

He’s not. He’s our lead guitarist.

SADIE

Good luck with that. But you’re forgetting one thing. That’s not the worst that can happen.

HELENA

Excuse me, are you threatening these young people?

ASHLEY

Uh Mom, better stay out of this.

HELENA

You, with the bad haircut. What’s the worst you can do?

RUBY seems intimidated by HELENA. She hides behind SADIE and ARTHUR.

HELENA

That’s what I thought. I have a thirteen-year-old corgi with more teeth than you.

CASEY

Helena, this may not be the place . . . let’s go someplace and I’ll buy you a martini.

ANDY

(rhyming)

Casey’s right, Helena, perhaps you should sit this one out.

Until the events of this evening are no longer in doubt.

HELENA

Don’t you worry, you sweet little man. Let Helena take care of this. You just sit there and look pretty.

ASHLEY

Mom . . .?

SADIE

In our culture we have great respect of old women but don’t . . .

HELENA

Old!

Suddenly HELENA lashes out and punches SADIE in the face. SADIE goes sailing across the floor. RUBY catches her and they fall down. ARTHUR tries to grab HELENA but CASEY and BILLY intercede. Both sides jump into the fray. It quickly becomes a free for all. At one point RUSSELL comes to the aid of his sister. And then JOANNE to his. Anarchy has come to Dead Rat River.

SCENE SIX

Back at the police station. RUSSELL, BILLY, and OFFICER DELAIRE are doing the dishes from the pizza, garlic bread, and salads they have ordered and eaten. OFFICER DELAIRE hands them the dishes, RUSSELL washes them, and BILLY dries and puts them away.

RUSSELL

And that’s where you and the rest of your detachment come in.

OFFICER DELAIRE

All of this because of that ex-girlfriend? Do you know how much damage this little altercation caused?

BILLY

Yeah, you keep telling us. So things kind of got out of hand . . .

OFFICER DELAIRE

And that Helena woman threw the first punch? I find that hard to believe. From everything you told me, she seemed like some high-society woman who’d be afraid of breaking a nail or something.

RUSSELL

Don’t forget. She was raised in Lebanon. I don’t know all the facts but supposedly there was some fighting there once. Man, you should have seen her go. She’s small but wiry.

BILLY

Yeah. Ninjas have nothing on those pissed-off Lebanese women.

OFFICER DELAIRE

And you two guys are friends now? That seems kind of odd.

RUSSELL

We spent seven hours in your holding cell.

BILLY

That kind of forces you to talk.

RUSSELL

That’s where I found out he needs to be fed and watered ever three hours. See! I never knew that.

BILLY

That’s why I was kind of crabby the first time we met. It’s a blood-sugar issue that’s pretty common in many Native communities.

RUSSELL

I gave him a Tootsie Pop I had in my pocket. Calmed him right down.

BILLY

And his compulsive need for order came from the fact he’s a military brat who was moving and lived on the edge of chaos all the time. That explains Pauline too. She rebelled and went to the other end of the spectrum. Everybody should spend time in a holding cell. I think the world would probably be a much better place to live.

OFFICER DELAIRE

I’ll pass that up to my superiors.

RUSSELL

And what about us?

OFFICER DELAIRE

Yes. What about you?

RUSSELL

Do we get a court date or something? Joanne’s got to get back to Toronto pretty soon. She works at a Baskin Robbins. She tells me they can be quite rigid in their work-hour scheduling.

OFFICER DELAIRE

Well, you can leave when you want.

BILLY

Just like that? What about the fire? Didn’t that piss them off?

OFFICER DELAIRE

Oh yes, the fire. How did that start again?

RUSSELL

I told them I didn’t trust those outlets and that electrical system. You throw one Native person into a twelve-year-old amplifier and the whole circuit-breaker system goes up in smoke. (to BILLY) No offence.

BILLY

None taken. I threw two right through Andy’s drum kit.

OFFICER DELAIRE

Yeah, actually, that might have been God or providence at work.

RUSSELL

Shh, don’t let Jennifer hear you or we’ll never hear the end of it.

OFFICER DELAIRE

No matter how pissed people are at each other, nobody wants to stand around when a prenatal clinic is in danger of burning down. It’s amazing how quickly the barricades were abandoned by both sides to let the fire trucks through and then pitch in to help put out the fire. Infants in danger carry no economic or social baggage. Surprisingly, the situation has de-escalated quite a bit.

RUSSELL

Another potential disaster prevented by the blues. I think our work is done here.

OFFICER DELAIRE

Yeah. That’s what I was thinking.

BILLY

So we can go?

OFFICER DELAIRE

You can go.

BILLY

(to RUSSELL) We can go.

RUSSELL

Where’s everybody else?

OFFICER DELAIRE

Probably waiting for you in the front lobby Mr. Burroughs, are there any other ex-girlfriends we should be aware of?! That I may need to alert the SWAT team about?

BILLY

No, the one was enough. Thank you. Bye.

RUSSELL

Thank you too, sir. I watch Law & Order all the time.

BILLY and RUSSELL exit the police station.

RUSSELL

I don’t believe it! We’re free! I hear all these horror stories about being arrested by the police but the worst thing I can say was the pizza was overcooked.

BILLY

Was that your first time in jail?

RUSSELL

Yeah. You?

BILLY

Yeah. You know, this might make a great song.

RUSSELL

Yeah, it might. It just might. A classic blues song. “Just spent the night in jail . . .”

BILLY

“I had to pee in a pail . . .”

RUSSELL

Maybe we should find Andy. And Joanne and the rest . . .

BILLY

And was I seeing things? I didn’t want to say anything in front of the cop, but were you and Joanne holding hands in the paddy wagon?!

RUSSELL

Well, she did drop-kick Ruby when she was wailing away at me. Do you think Joanne still cares?

BILLY

That’s what it took to play nice again? Some hundred-pound woman beating the hell out of you? Or was that some sort of Caucasian rope-a-dope?

RUSSELL

Hey, I would have won eventually. She was tiring. I’d have taken her out.

BILLY

“Taken her out”?! To what, dinner? Yet another relationship saved by a Native–non-Native brawl. I tell you, there’s a ballad in there somewhere . . .

SCENE SEVEN

Cerulean Blue 3.0 gets ready to perform. The lineup consists of RUSSELL, BILLY, JOANNE, CASEY, Jennifer, ASHLEY, and ANDY. The emcee approaches the mike.

EMCEE

Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the Peterborough Blues Festival. My name is Sasha and I’m your emcee for the evening. And let me start off by saying I hope all our blues fans are feeling in the pink tonight. Now unfortunately I’m sorry to report, we’ve had a cancellation. Our opening band from Quebec, Les Boules bleues has had to pull out. I can’t really get into it but, from what I’m told, it’s a sensitive subject. Anyway, we were lucky enough that the amazing band behind me was available. I’m told they’re an experimental blues band that describes their style as an experimental and evolutionary foray into the DNA of conventional blues music . . .

JOANNE

Goddammit, Russell!

JENNIFER

I heard that.

EMCEE

Ladies and gentleman, this is Cerulean Blue 3.0.

RUSSELL advances to the mike.

RUSSELL

Ladies and gentlemen, speaking for the band, I can’t tell you how delighted we are to be here tonight. Both for us and for you, because you’re going to hear the first-ever concert by the new, the improved, the renewed, the reformed Cerulean Blue. This is a little song we concocted ourselves, about a little adventure we had up north. We hope you like it. It’s called “The Dead Rat River Blues.”

RUSSELL backs up into position and looks over at BILLY.

RUSSELL

Hey Billy, how’re you doing? Okay?

BILLY

I think so. Got an extra pair of pants behind the speakers though, just in case.

RUSSELL

Then let’s do it.

The band kicks into a kick-ass version of the song.

RUSSELL / BILLY

(singing)

Now listen you all to my words of warning,

I have tiptoed through the streets of Heaven

And I’ve staggered across the halls of Hell.

I’ve eaten all sorts of strange and exotic foods,

Including something people call fennel.

Know that I’ve killed some hours by counting the bricks

While doing my time at the police station.

Nothing but nothing taught me about life

Like two days at Dead Rat River First Nation

(chorus)

Gotta run, gotta get out, gotta leave.

No place for a normal man, you gotta believe.

Say your prayers and pay your insurance.

Cuz staying sane is the best you can achieve.

The devil was in Georgia but stayed clear of there.

Dead Rat River, those people are easy to offend.

DDR is far away but just around the corner.

Especially when you’re trying to avoid an ex-girlfriend.

(chorus)

Gotta run, gotta get out, gotta leave.

No place for a normal man, you gotta believe.

Say your prayers and pay your insurance.

Cuz staying sane is the best you can achieve.

Lights go down.

— END —