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The cold flagstones pressed against the sister’s bent knees, chilling her, calming her, and allowing her mind the space to focus solely on the Goddess. She felt safest within this little room, knowing that her devotion to and love for the Goddess would protect her and keep the fire within at bay.
“Sister!” came the desperate cry of a child, and she opened her eyes to his dusty, dirty face as he pulled on her. He had clearly been trying to get her attention for some time.
Nelda Graewyth blinked into the dim light, coughing at the smoke closing in on her, and looked over her own hands in fear she had been the cause. The child took them and tugged at her to stand. Her body was stiff from hours of prayer, her knees numb from resting so long in the same position. She staggered forward, supporting herself on the cold stone altar, bare of any ornaments but a single silver figure. She rested her hands against it, more to ground herself to the world around her than of need to be close to her Goddess.
The child drew in a ragged breath, his eyes wide as he choked back a sob and coughed again. She pulled him close, taking in the situation properly for the first time. Smoke pushed its way under the door. Another wave of relief that she had not been the cause of this was quickly lost to fear at the sound of breaking glass and creaking stone walls beyond the door.
“Where is the mother?” she asked.
“Soldiers,” the child whispered, climbing her body to cling to her, his arms too tight around her neck. “Soldiers are killing them,” he cried. She held him tighter, his little heart thumping too quickly against her. At the sound of something crashing beyond the small room, he clung even tighter and whimpered.
Why did no one ring the bell or call an alarm? Something, anything, to signify we are under attack, she thought. It was a convent of the Goddess, a place of harmony, safety, and refuge for the lost and the dispossessed. She had been one of those herself long ago. “Has anyone escaped?” she asked.
The child shook his head too vigorously against her, and then his little body was racked by more coughing. She pulled the hood of her rough-spun cloak over her head to try to ward off the smoke thickening inside the small space. She needed to get the child out. She pulled at the solid door, wondering how the child had entered the space; he was far too small to have opened the heavy wooden structure by himself.
The latch was hot. She breathed slowly, focused on the heat within it. The comfort of the chapel was disappearing as it filled with smoke. She pushed the idea of the cool stone away as she opened the door to the rush of flames consuming the building on the other side. She held her hood across her mouth to keep the smoke from her lungs, held the child closer, and ran out into the large cathedral of the Goddess.
The roof creaked above her, the beams well alight. The pews that had lined the larger place of worship burned brightly as though a sign of the souls who had filled them only earlier that day. The building screamed in pain as though it couldn’t take much more. In the distance, she could hear screaming. No, it was men shouting. She wondered if anyone had managed to make it to safety—the children, the sisters. So many she knew that she could see no sign of now.
Something gripped at her heart as she saw the hint of metal through the flames and smoke.
“Is there anyone there?” a voice called, deep and cruel. A voice that did not offer help. The bright, shiny silver armour of the king’s men had become an odd red colour in the shine of the flames. As though bathed in blood rather than the reflection of the fire.
Nelda turned from the hint of armour, searching for another way out of the smoke that was burning her lungs as well as her eyes. The child still clung tightly around her neck as she searched for a memory of a doorway. The sounds of the fire and the flickering dusty light confused her. Overwhelmed by the memories of how she had found this place of safety, she fell to her knees, the child coughing in her arms.
She had run so far and hidden for so long. No matter where she hid, she knew the king would never stop looking for her. And yet, for his soldiers to destroy a place of the Goddess and kill the women who had given their lives to worship... surprised her. Did he hate so desperately?
“Pip!” someone called through the haze, but she wasn’t sure it was real. No one had called her such a name in a long time, and she had grown beyond it. It was her brother’s name for her, and his friends had adopted it when they were small. She hadn’t used her real name since she had left them. When she’d found the convent, she had allowed the sisters to find her a name. A name that had never quite suited her the same way, yet one she had used without question every day.
“Sister Patience?” the child asked sleepily, and then he coughed.
“We are getting out,” she murmured, unsure how to find her feet let alone determine how to get up and moving again.
Something close to fear grabbed her heart again. The haze of smoke appeared thicker as her arms closed tighter around the child. She was sure the glint of metal armour grew closer, pushing its way towards her through the smoke. The face of the man she imagined was older, his skin darker, beard rougher, eyes colder, but she wasn’t really sure if she saw him there at all or if it was all in her head. All caused by the fear of the situation.
Part of a burning beam from above smashed into the ground beside her, the flames licking along the wood. The child flinched in her arms and thankfully remained quiet, although the sound around them had increased. The flames alone seemed to roar around her, the remaining beams above her crackling and screaming as the fire ate into them. The pews disintegrated around her while the flames didn’t touch her, although the smoke was not nearly as kind.
She wanted desperately to cough, to clear the fog from her mind and the smoke from her lungs, but she held her breath instead in fear someone would hear her. Even over the unbelievable sound surrounding her.
Light reflected from the armour of a soldier as he appeared out of the smoke. She ducked down, holding the child closer. He didn’t appear to see her amongst the smoke, her dark cloak working to camouflage her amongst the mayhem. Part of the smoke cleared in that moment, and she saw the Goddess standing over the altar built in her honour as it burned before her. The ceiling gave way; soldiers cried out and raced away. When the door out into the mother’s quiet room became clear, Nelda raced for it, working her way quickly through the debris. She stopped as another beam fell from the ceiling, just missing her, and looked up only briefly. The blue sky seemed so clear before it was lost to more dark clouds of smoke.
She pushed through the door into the small room and wondered if this was a good idea. The room was clear of smoke, a small window open into the garden beyond. She pulled her long skirts up to her knees and held the child with her other arm before climbing onto the reading desk to look out at the drop beyond. It wasn’t too far. If she could manage the jump and hold the child, they might have a chance. Beyond the edge of the convent garden were the forests of the king.
She could only hope that if any of the sisters or children had survived, they might have run in the same direction. Surely the king wouldn’t think to search his own forests. But then, she was surprised he would search her out in a convent. Twenty years ago, she wouldn’t have considered trying to find sanctuary in such a place herself, but it had saved her in so many ways.
The sound of soldiers had disappeared, and she didn’t know if they had pulled back or if they were lost to the sound of the building coming down around her. She slipped her legs over the narrow window frame, the window pushed out and held with a post. She wasn’t sure she could hold it open enough while also holding the child and jump without breaking her legs.
“Have faith, Sister,” she murmured. The mother had said those very same words whenever she had questioned the convent or the Goddess watching over them. Now was the time for that faith. She pushed the window up with one hand and pushed off the wall with her legs, trying to grip the small child against her and hoping he would hold on.
The hard ground jolted through her. And although she stumbled as she heard the glass break behind and above her, she ran on, both arms around the child. She ran as fast as she could past the vegetables she had planted, thinking of the terrible waste they would be now unless the others were not as she feared. If the sisters still lived and could rebuild, the garden would help keep them going. She ran on past the wall, not looking back, not checking to see if anyone was watching her go or chasing her down. She just ran, the child quiet in her arms. She ran and ran and ran.
The cool forest was a relief to the fire threatening to burst from within, but Nelda’s legs wouldn’t allow her to stop. The dark trees closed around her, and when she blinked she could see nothing but flames. She stumbled, lost her footing and fell heavily to the ground. Unable to catch her breath, she coughed, fearing she would never stop, trying to curl into a ball and sit up at the same time to breathe.
“Who is there?” a voice asked in the dying light of the day, but she couldn’t stop coughing. Couldn’t protect herself.
“Hello?” another voice called, but Nelda couldn’t have found her voice even if she’d wanted to reply. She hoped they would walk right past her in the darkening forest.
“It is a sister,” the first voice said, and she turned to take in the young man racing towards her. He had a sword at his belt and did not wear the armour of the king’s men. His dark, wavy hair bounced around his shoulders, exposing a strong jaw and handsome face. He was just a boy. Another followed close behind, a little taller, his hair more sand coloured than brown although a similar length and wave. His brown eyes sparkled in the dying light and seemed to see inside her soul.
“Is she from the convent?” he asked, the deeper voice indicating he was older than she thought.
She shook her head then, unsure if she wanted anyone to know she had survived—that they had survived.
“Sister,” the first said slowly, carefully as he squatted down before her. As though she were the frightened child. “Are you hurt?”
She shook her head, pulling the child in closer.
“We could see the flames,” the other said, watching her closely. Something pulled her, like a sense of something, a magic. She clung tighter to the child, thankful he was quiet.
“You have to let him go,” the first said, and she reluctantly dragged her gaze from the other man standing behind him. “He is gone now.”
She shook her head again, looking down at the too-still child in her arms as she wondered when he had gone to the Goddess—and whether he had succumbed to the smoke or she had held him too closely. His tiny body appeared even smaller, and she struggled to find his name in the scattered memories of the day. She tried to speak but coughed instead. Drawing in a painful breath, she allowed the child to fall from her arms.
“It is unusual to see such numbers of soldiers in these parts,” the first boy said. “Did anyone survive such a fire?”
She looked back in the direction she thought she had run from, searching for anyone else, anything to indicate whether anyone had survived, any of the sisters, the children. She sucked in a sob, and it burned in her lungs. She cried out, which hurt further as she clutched at her chest.
“We can take you home with us,” the boy said.
“Papa would kill us,” the other growled.
“We can’t leave her here. She’s hurt.”
“She is not a pup, Heath,” the other snapped.
“No, Frayne, she is a woman. Like our mother,” Heath replied calmly, holding out a hand rough from manual labour. She reached for it and then pulled back. Their family would be in danger if they learnt what she was—if anyone learnt what she was. She had to find another convent, another place of safety that the king’s men would hopefully not find.
“We can help you with the child,” Heath continued, resting his hand on her shoulder. It was kind, and she nodded.
“Help how?” said the older one, Frayne.
“We can bury him.”
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Frayne murmured.
“Oh?” Heath asked, standing and taking a step back. “A convent burnt down,” he said as he looked at her sadly.
“The king,” she wheezed.
“What of the king?” the younger asked.
“The king’s men attacked the convent?” Frayne asked.
She nodded. They knew what that meant. The whole of the Kingdom of Burasal knew what it meant if the king’s men attacked.
Heath brushed absently at his breeches. There was something familiar in him, as though she sensed he was someone decent, like someone she had known long ago. Someone she could no longer remember.
He took a couple of large steps away from her and picked up a large flat rock. Then, kneeling back down, he began to scoop out the soft earth. He made a reasonable impression and then turned to her as the older boy, Frayne, walked away into the woods. Something tugged at her as he disappeared, as though she needed to go with him. And yet, she didn’t think he wanted to help her; he was likely looking for soldiers.
Climbing slowly to her knees, Nelda scooped up the boy’s body and then staggered to her feet. She walked across to the impression Heath had dug into the ground, the distance harder to travel than the miles she had run through the forest. She placed him carefully into the hollow, curling him around himself as he’d done when he was sleeping, as so many of them had slept. And then she leant in and kissed his smoky cheek.
Heath pushed the dirt back in around him, the smell of the soft, fresh earth momentarily blocking the smell of fire and smoke. He then placed the smooth, flat stone over where the boy’s head had been. The other young man returned with an armful of rocks, which he dropped before disappearing again. Heath and Nelda quietly worked together covering the grave with stones, fitting them together until they’d formed a neat, rounded pile. Nelda placed her hand against the rocks and prayed silently to the Goddess to keep him safe. As she was hopefully doing for those who had disappeared from the convent.
“I’m Heath,” the young man said softly, reaching for her but stopping short of touching her. “What is your name?”
“Sister Patience,” she croaked, her voice lost to the smoke. Her lungs hurt just to breathe.
“My mother will help,” Heath said, climbing to his feet and holding out his hand to her. She shook her head, and he smiled. He had kind eyes.
“Danger,” she whispered, coughing again.
He looked around then, and she wondered where the other one had gone. Maybe they only seemed kind and were leading her to those who hunted for her. Before she could consider what they might want from her, Heath pulled her to her feet and offered his arm. He appeared to be nothing more than a farmer with his worn clothing, but the sword at his hip was of quality, cared for. Fear rose in her throat as she tripped over a root.
He held her tight. “I promise, Sister, we will look after you. My brother seems a bit gruff, but he has a heart of gold.”
Nelda wasn’t so sure; it was so hard to trust. It was very dark by the time she saw the lights of the cottage, lost amongst the trees. Frayne was waiting in the doorway.
“Did you explain to Mama?” Heath asked.
Nelda staggered a little, surprised even with support that she had made it this far. Frayne reached forward and scooped her up, then carried her into the cottage. The firelight was bright after the dark trail, and she held her arm up against the light.
“Sit her here,” a woman said, her voice soft and kind.
“Papa is not going to be happy,” Frayne said despite his hold on her, as though reluctant to put her down.
She muttered something under her breath, and he sat her down slowly in a padded chair by the fire. She flinched away from the flames, then sighed when a woman rested a hand on her arm, her eyes kind. She would have been a similar age to Nelda, although she showed a little more clearly the signs of that age. Silver strands ran through her coppery brown hair, which was pulled back into a bun at her nape. Her skin was tanned from the sun, lines marked around her eyes—but they were soft and kind, and for a moment Nelda wanted to reach out and put her hand to the woman’s face.
“Get the water,” she instructed, her focus on Nelda, and the two boys disappeared. “I have some soup for your throat,” she said, her voice calming as she held out a bowl.
Nelda reached out for the small bowl, glad that it was cool, and raised it slowly to her lips. It was clear and tasty and helped soothe her throat. She nodded thanks and drank down more before coughing wildly, making her throat and lungs burn again.
“Slowly,” the woman said, taking the bowl from her. Nelda nodded, wiping at her face with the back of her hand. She was dirty from the smoke, but she wasn’t burnt. She knew she wouldn’t be. “I am sorry for the child,” the woman said.
Nelda could see the hurt in the woman’s eyes. As though she understood more than she said. Heath appeared with a deep wooden bowl of water, a cloth across its edge. The woman dipped it in and wrung it, appearing surprised by the curls of steam rising from it. The hot water was pleasant against Nelda’s skin, and she allowed the woman to gently rub over her face and across her hands. She needed a good soak. She was sure that her clothing and hair smelt of smoke as well, but Nelda caught the woman’s wrist as she reached for her head piece. The woman pulled her hand back.
“You are safe here,” she said.
“Nowhere is safe,” Nelda said. “Nowhere will ever be safe again.”
Nelda woke to the sounds of raised voices. She couldn’t remember lying down in the little bed, but it was far more comfortable and cosier than anything she had slept in for some time. She reeked of sour smoke and wished she had the chance at a bath. She couldn’t stay here. She couldn’t entertain the idea of some sort of normality, not even for a short time.
Not if she wanted to keep them safe. They had kept her alive, after all. The horror of the previous day closed in on her. The noise of the only safe world she had known collapsing around her still rang in her ears. The desperation of trying to hold on to the child in her arms, only to lose him. She sucked in a breath, trying not to cry out from the overwhelming pain.
She had cried so often when she had first arrived at the convent, and then it had been so long since she had cried again that she wasn’t even sure she had it in her. More than half of her lifetime had been spent inside those walls. Walls she’d thought would keep her safe and, in the end, had only crumbled like those previous aspects of safety she’d thought she had.
The door swung open, and she cried out in surprise. A man filled the doorway, broad and greying, his clothes worn, and yet there was something about him that screamed soldier. She pulled back as he stalked forward.
Something of recognition flashed across his face.
“Nelda?” he whispered.
She shook her head, despite the pull of hearing her name spoken by another for the first time in so long. And then he was reaching forward and pulling at her headpiece, and her long black hair was exposed. There was no need to cover it—he knew who she was, although she struggled to recognise him.
He sank to the bed then, his hands closing around hers. “Pip,” he whispered.
The tears she was so sure were finished started again. And her hand reached for his face—his strong, broad face. “Jamie,” she said, unsure if it really was him yet knowing it was.
“James?” a fearful voice asked by the door.
Nelda’s hand dropped, and she reached for the headpiece as the woman entered the room and closed the door.
“James,” the woman repeated, her voice louder. He turned slowly and took her in. “What have you done?”
“The boys brought her home. You just defended their efforts to save the woman,” he said, a smile on his lips, although she wondered then how long it would take for that to change. Now she saw what she had seen in the boy the day before. The young man had his build, and his eyes.
“Nelda? The witch who started all of this?” the woman asked, looking over her shoulder at the closed door. She seemed more nervous than angry. Crossing her arms over her chest as though to put a barrier between them, she stared at Nelda.
“She is not going to burn us to the ground,” he said, something jovial in his voice.
“She may have been the reason that the convent burnt down,” the woman snapped. “They might be looking for her. She murdered a boy,” she added.
Nelda shook her head, thinking of the little one lost and then all the others. She sobbed again, and then the large man was wrapped around her, holding her close, patting her back, whispering soothing words.
“James!” the woman screamed, and the door slammed.
“I never thought I would see you again,” he said, holding Nelda out and looking her over. “You appear to have weathered the years better than me.”
She slowly raised her fingers to his face again, taking in the short, rough beard, the same kind eyes. He had been lost to the fire all those years before. “How are you here?”
“You weren’t the only one to leave Sunsong Castle that night,” he added, looking at her.
“How do you know I left?” she asked.
“You don’t remember?” he asked in return, then shook his head and ran a hand down her hair as he smiled sadly.
Nelda looked at the door where the woman had left, angry and confused. “I should go,” she said, pushing at him and trying to climb from the bed. “You are all in danger if I am found here.”
“They don’t know we are here. We have been left alone.”
“They left the convents too, until now. Everyone...” She choked out the word, her voice catching as another coughing spasm took hold.
“Your brother,” he whispered. She turned to him, glaring. She hadn’t allowed herself to think about him in a long time. For what felt like a lifetime. He was gone, and there was nothing she could do to bring him back. No matter what she tried.
“I must leave,” she said, climbing from the bed and holding the headpiece rather than trying to put it back in place. It wouldn’t matter if she looked like a sister of the Goddess or not if she was found. If she wandered far enough, she wouldn’t put Jamie and his family at risk.
“Nelda,” he called after her as she opened the door. The two boys sat at the table, staring at her. The woman, James’s wife, stood at the fire, pretending she wasn’t there. “Please,” he begged.
“I thought her name was Sister Patience,” Heath said. “Father?” There was something in his voice that took her back all those years to a place she could never return to.
“Thank you,” she said, pressing her hands together and bowing to the room. “I will take my leave.”
“Wait!” he called after her.
“You will all die if I stay here.”
“You heard her,” the wife said, no longer calm and friendly. “Let her go.”
“Mama, she hasn’t recovered.”
“Thank you,” Nelda said, bowing her head again. “But I...” another coughing fit shook her body. As she tried to steady herself, Jamie’s large arms closed around her and led her to the chair. The wife sighed.
“Papa?” Frayne asked. “I thought you were angry we had taken her in.”
“You weren’t keen either,” Heath shot back quickly. “You wanted to leave her out in the woods.”
“You should’ve,” Nelda wheezed. “You probably should have put me down.”
“Yes,” the wife snapped.
“Daisy,” James growled.
“She was there, wasn’t she?” Daisy demanded, her eyes red and swollen when she turned from the fire. Heath stood and reached for her, but she shook him off. “She knows.”
James nodded. Nelda studied her hands, hoping they were not as warm as they felt. She wasn’t in control—not of herself and not of the situation—and she longed for the cold chapel at the convent. She wondered then whether the soldiers would have found her there if the child hadn’t. If he hadn’t roused her from her prayer, would she have even realised what was happening around her? She might have died blissfully ignorant.
“You should hand me over to the soldiers,” she said.
“What?” Frayne asked. “Why would they want you?”
“You could be safe that way. You could claim you found me. They wouldn’t remember you,” she pleaded with Jamie.
“They might. I’ve avoided them this long. I think I could last a bit longer.”
Nelda shook her head. “I only bring misfortune.” Another coughing fit took hold, and Daisy handed her a cool cup of water. It was comforting in her hands. Something secure to hold on to, and it went some way to soothing her throat. She nodded her thanks. “I’m not wrong.”
“How long were you at the convent?” Daisy asked, sitting down beside her husband and allowing him to take her hand.
“A long time,” Nelda said, looking at Jamie rather than his wife.
“How long?” she asked. The soft, coaxing tone had returned.
“I travelled for a year or two, tried to find somewhere safe and then settled there. Seventeen or eighteen years.”
“You can’t be sure?” Jamie asked.
“Time travels differently inside the convent walls.”
They looked at each other and then back to her. One of the sons moved closer while the other grumbled something at the table. “You shall stay with us,” Daisy said. Jamie let out a sigh of relief, but Nelda shook her head.
“It is not a good idea,” she returned.
“If they are looking for you, they are looking for a sister of the Goddess. We could make you look like an aunt, claim you are mama’s sister.” Heath smiled, but his mother’s eyes were on Jamie as he looked to his lap.
“It won’t be enough,” Nelda whispered. It would only take someone to recognise her, and they would all be in danger. The first people she’d met outside the convent knew her; it would be too hard to hide in Burasal.
“Do you believe they would still search for you?” Daisy asked, her face earnest.
“If you believed they weren’t still looking, you too would have returned,” Nelda said.
“Was that the only reason?” Jamie asked.
Nelda took another slow sip of the water, hoping it would delay the cough she felt building at the back of her throat. Her lungs burned. Jamie reached for her, but she held up her hand.
“I can’t stay here, Jamie. It isn’t safe.”
“We wouldn’t report you,” Heath said.
“I am not safe for you—not the other way. I need to leave before something happens to your family.”
“What would you do?” Frayne asked, something darker in his eyes. He looked like Jamie but not like the other boy did. They were a similar age.
Nelda looked then at Daisy. There was something about her, something more than worry.
“When were they born?” Nelda asked, and Jamie looked to the woman beside him.
“They were born together, just seven days before that night.” Daisy looked down at her lap as Nelda slowly shook her head.
“Jamie would not have been watching over the queen if you had just birthed twins.”
“We weren’t given the option of not being on duty,” he said, his voice low. The boys looked at each other and then at their father.
“The queen?” Heath asked. “Why would you know the queen?”
“You likely didn’t even know he was married, with children,” Daisy muttered. “You would not have been interested in such things.”
They had been friends, but Nelda didn’t need to explain that to this woman. He had watched out for her and her brother in a difficult world under a cruel king.
“Why didn’t you tell us you were at Sunsong Castle?” Frayne asked his father. Nelda looked at him then, the dark-eyed child. Man. He was a grown man.
“It was a difficult time, one I don’t want to relive. They think me dead, and we are better for it.”
“Why would they think you dead?” Frayne asked.
“Enough!” Jamie bellowed, standing tall and taking up the room. Nelda wanted to lean back from him, remembering the times he’d yelled across the courtyard.
The room descended into an uncomfortable silence. The boys glanced at each other, Daisy stared at Nelda, and Jamie stared off into the distance. Nelda had wondered over the years, when she had allowed herself time to think of that night, who else had survived. But it no longer mattered. She would always be running. Always be chased down for the wrong the king thought had been done.
She placed the cup down carefully and stood, brushing out her tattered dress. It still stank of smoke and death, as though it had never really left her. No matter how far she ran, she would never escape it. No one moved as she walked to the door, left the little cottage and the old friend behind her. She took a shaky breath, felt the burn and wondered how long until it left her—if it ever would—and then she walked out into the trees.