Chapter 1

Controlling Perfectionism Explained

There’s a saying that perfectionists are never happy, because things are rarely, if ever, perfect. Even so, many people still constantly seek perfection. This book is not about all perfectionists, however; it’s about the kind who not only drive themselves toward unrealistic goals but also drive others toward those goals: the control freaks, micromanagers, demanding (or even abusive) partners, helicopter parents, and workaholics. If you have such a person for a teacher, a supervisor, a romantic partner, a family member, or a coworker, you may often have a nagging feeling that you’re never good enough. A controlling perfectionist is someone like Brad or Ava.

Brad was in his fourth year of medical school when he met Susan, a nurse on the surgical unit at the medical center where he was doing one of his clinical rotations. For Susan it was love at first sight, and they began dating. Brad graduated at the top of his class in medical school and went on to specialize in neurosurgery.

As their relationship developed, Brad became more and more critical of Susan. He made derogatory comments about her friends and even her family. Although Susan encouraged Brad to seek therapy when his critical nature began to affect their relationship, their ability to have friends, their ability to share interests together, and his ability to work with others, he refused: he had disdain for the field of mental health care and saw seeking psychological help as admitting to weakness.

Brad’s criticism of Susan became so bad that she decided to separate four years into their relationship.

Ava is considered one of the up-and-coming executives in the corporation where she has been working for the past three years. The team she manages is considered one of the best; however, the senior vice president to whom Ava reports has expressed concern because of the high turnover rate in Ava’s department. Although Ava has concluded that those who end up leaving the department do so to take better jobs with better pay, ask anyone who knows Ava and they’ll tell you the real story. Ava is a control freak—a micromanager—and eventually people on her team end up feeling worthless and denigrated. What’s interesting is that Ava views herself as a very moral person who puts in a lot of hours and expects the same from her employees. Although her friends accuse her of being a workaholic, Ava feels proud that she has a position of power that pays well. Ava does admit that she wishes she were in a romantic relationship, but she rationalizes that she just doesn’t have time to date right now.

Definition

Interestingly, most Americans tend to consider someone who strives to be perfect or someone who aspires to be orderly and organized in very positive terms. We all can see traits in both Brad and Ava that are indeed admirable. They both are at the top of their game, work hard, and set high standards for themselves but drive others around them to work hard also. What’s wrong with that, right? If you were to speak with Brad and Ava, they’d probably tell you that they’re proud of what they’ve accomplished, yet they’d probably also tell you that they must keep up the pace and level of productivity. They’re certainly proud of their organizational abilities, their orderliness, and their devotion to work. They drive themselves hard, so is there anything wrong with expecting nothing less from those around them?

In order to answer this question, we have to look beyond the positive trait to the extreme to which it’s taken. For example, you’d probably agree that self-esteem or self-confidence is a healthy personality trait; however, if we exaggerate this trait to a point where a person becomes grandiose, egocentric, or narcissistic, then we’re dealing with something entirely different. So too with perfectionism and control. It’s one thing to direct your own life, but quite another to try to control everyone around you or demand that everyone march to your tune. This is where controlling perfectionists step over the line.

Exercise: Identifying the Controlling Perfectionist

How do you spot a controlling perfectionist? The following list describes traits that controlling perfectionists commonly possess. Many of these relate to specific kinds of controlling perfectionists, which we’ll discuss shortly. Thus most controlling perfectionists have some but not all of these characteristics. Think of the hypercritical person in your life and place a check mark next to the traits that you perceive this person has.

Chances are you checked four or more items, which indicates that you’re probably dealing with a controlling perfectionist. Not all controlling perfectionists are alike, however. Below we discuss some common configurations of perfectionistic and controlling traits.

Variations and Subtypes of Controlling Perfectionists

Theodore Millon has written extensively on various types of personality disorders and describes the controlling perfectionist as the “compulsive personality” or the “obsessive-compulsive personality.” In this book we use the term “controlling perfectionist” to avoid any confusion with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which is quite different from obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). Whereas OCD is characterized by obsessive thoughts of some imagined danger or by compulsively engaging in rituals, such as handwashing, counting, or checking to make sure the door is locked or the stove is turned off, OCPD relates to a need to control others and is characterized by such personality traits as rigidity, stubbornness, and a need to have everything your way or to prove others wrong.

Millon and colleagues (2004) have outlined five subtypes of the compulsive personality.

The Conscientious Compulsive

Conscientious compulsives compensate for feelings of inadequacy and anxiety about their performance by rigidly adhering to the rules or desires of those in authority or power or to the rules of society. Usually described as hardworking and thorough, they’re very tightly controlled people who lack spontaneity and creativity; they depend on routine, structure, rules, and regulations. They make good followers but rarely become leaders. However, when they do rise to management-level positions, their controlling tendencies become very evident. Conscientious compulsives tend to make others miserable by expecting them to be just as nitpicky. If you don’t adhere to their standards, they’ll become hypercritical. Negative or derogatory comments, looks of disapproval, and judgmental glances are means by which conscientious compulsives control the behavior of those around them.

Because conscientious compulsives are considerate and cooperative, especially toward those in authority, they expect to be treated the same way (whether in work or love relationships). Any perceived lack of reciprocal consideration or cooperation is likely to cause the conscientious compulsive to feel angry, abandoned, or self-deprecating. If you checked off items 2, 11, and 12 in the exercise above, chances are you’re dealing with a conscientious compulsive.

The Puritanical Compulsive

Puritanical compulsives defend against their own urges to rebel or defy authority by adopting a moral righteousness and a rigid adherence to what they consider the dictates of moral behavior. A façade of propriety or moralistic superiority masks ambivalence and resentment toward rules and authority regarding what constitutes acceptable behavior. Not surprisingly, puritanical compulsives are often attracted to religious fundamentalism, in which very strict dictates for behavior help them repress or sublimate their urges. However, puritanical compulsives can be found in just about any corporation, government agency, or societal institution, where they’re often admired for the strength of their convictions yet those who truly come to know them see them as abrasive, irritating, and prudish. Puritanical compulsives are very judgmental and may view others as lazy, shiftless, or morally inferior. If you checked off items 5, 6, and 11 in the exercise above, chances are you’re dealing with a puritanical compulsive.

The Bureaucratic Compulsive

Bureaucratic compulsives overly identify with their role or job. They ally themselves with the organization, corporation, or institution for which they work so much that they seem to become that organization, corporation, or institution (for example, law enforcement; an educational institution, such as a university; the military; or a government agency, such as the IRS). They rigidly adhere to their employer’s policies, regulations, and rules, and they expect others to do exactly the same. They often cause misery by micromanaging the lives of people around them. It’s not unusual for bureaucratic compulsives to lose sight of the mission or goal—the big picture—because they get lost in the minutiae of policies and procedures. Bureaucratic compulsives may be very ingratiating and conciliatory toward their superiors yet quite vitriolic and demeaning toward their subordinates. If you checked off items 2, 4, 6, 7, and 9, chances are you’re dealing with a bureaucratic compulsive.

The Parsimonious Compulsive

Parsimonious compulsives are motivated to protect what’s theirs at all costs. They’re most noted for their stingy, miserly, and selfish attitude. When it comes to giving of their time, money, or possessions, they can always make some excuse not to. They may be self-sufficient to a fault and viciously guard against anyone who may deprive them of their resources or possessions, acting as if these things are irreplaceable. If you checked off items 8 and 10, chances are you’re dealing with a parsimonious compulsive.

The Bedeviled Compulsive

Bedeviled compulsives struggle with a need to oppose and sabotage, which they counter with a tendency toward inaction. By vacillating and dragging their feet when it comes to making decisions—behind a façade of self-control—they come to be seen as negativistic procrastinators who keep others from getting things done or accomplished. While they make a show of wanting to conform to others’ wishes and agenda, they may give endless rationales for why they delay in making decisions or completing projects. To others, they may appear to be tightly wrapped and highly disciplined; therefore, they tend to see themselves as superior. Bedeviled compulsives can be very rigid, moralistic, and judgmental. If you checked off items 1 and 3, chances are you’re dealing with a bedeviled compulsive.

Ebenezer Scrooge

When Charles Dickens wrote the novella A Christmas Carol in 1843, little did he know that he’d be creating, in the character of Ebenezer Scrooge, the modern literary archetype of the obsessive compulsive personality disorder. Prior to his epiphany on Christmas Eve, Scrooge, the meticulous accountant, is a shining example of a controlling perfectionist. In addition to his hallmark miserliness, we also see evidence of rigid adherence to rules (when he chides Bob Cratchit for watching the clock or for having the audacity to want Christmas Day off to spend with his family). He also has difficulty expressing any warmth toward his family—his nephew and his nephew’s fiancée. He abusively criticizes his colleagues and shows little sympathy for others, especially the poor. Is it easy to identify which subtype of controlling perfectionist Scrooge is?

Other Subtypes

There are other controlling perfectionists you may come across in your daily life who are deserving of mention.

The power elite. Have you ever noticed how some extremely wealthy people feel that they’ve been anointed with the task of passing judgment on what’s right and proper? They become extremely rigid in their perspective of what’s moral or ethical, with little concern for those less fortunate. Naturally, wealth alone doesn’t cause someone to become a controlling perfectionist. Although this subtype usually comes from the upper class of society, having been born with the proverbial silver spoon in their mouths and educated at elite prep schools and Ivy League universities, what sets them apart is their judgmental nature and need to control others. They tend to treat everyone as their subordinates, like servants to be controlled and bossed around.

Religious zealots. It’s important not to confuse this subtype with truly religious and spiritual people. This subtype is characterized by people so rigid in their religious beliefs that they seem to lose compassion for others. Instead they’re judgmental and manifest disdain or disgust for anyone who doesn’t share their rigid moralistic views. Therefore the need to control others and to browbeat them into their way of thinking becomes paramount to their character. Instead of a “live and let live” philosophy, they adopt an opposite style: either you share their beliefs or you’re judged and condemned. Although this subtype shares many commonalities with the puritanical compulsive described above, these are people who go well beyond the puritanical subtype in their wish to persecute and punish. Think of this subtype as the puritanical compulsive on steroids. If a puritanical compulsive is a very vocal judge, a religious zealot is judge, jury, and executioner. Religious zealots are capable of taking drastic action in support of their views.

Professionally bound controlling perfectionists. It should be no surprise that controlling perfectionists are attracted to particular occupations in which they can exert control over others. Although similar to the bureaucratic compulsive, the main distinction is that bureaucratic compulsives ally themselves with a corporation or institution, whereas professionally bound controlling perfectionists ally themselves with their profession and the power they derive from that profession. It appears that as they develop their professional identities they become more rigid and controlling. We’re not saying that all accountants, attorneys, doctors, administrators, and techies are controlling perfectionists; however, it’s not unusual to find perfectionists overrepresented in occupations in which precision, adherence to rules or regulations, and attention to detail are essential. We all want our doctors to be thorough and to pay attention to details, right? We don’t want surgeons to leave sponges in people they operate on. Yet it’s when these traits carry over to their personal lives or their relationships with family and friends (as well as their patients) that problems develop. We talk more about this subtype in chapter 8.

By now you should have a sense of just how pervasive controlling perfectionists (or “compulsive personalities”) are in our society and how disruptive they can be in the workplace, in romantic relationships, in families, and in other settings. What’s so unique to people with this type of personality disorder is how normal or acceptable their behavior can seem to others—normal, that is, until you go beneath the surface. After all, our society values hard work, dedication to job and family, living by the rules, and being considerate and cooperative. Yet when personal traits related to these values go to extremes, they risk causing dysfunction both interpersonally and occupationally. Because no two controlling perfectionists are alike, it’s important to consider the middle ground that exists between normal and disordered behavior.

Causes

Although genetic or hereditary theories seem to abound for many psychiatric disorders, this is certainly not the case when it comes to controlling perfectionism. Most theorists look at parenting style as being the culprit when it comes to setting the stage for this type of personality disorder. However, we’ll also consider anxiety, irrational beliefs, and environment.

Parenting Style

Theodore Millon and Roger Davis (1996) conclude that parental overcontrol is the main reason people develop OCPD. Parental overcontrol differs quite a bit from parental overprotection in that overprotection is usually born of gentle and loving parental concern. Parental overcontrol also differs from parental hostility. Hostile parents punish their children in vitriolic fashion, often without reason or to vent their frustrations or feelings of failure. Overcontrol arises when parents see their role as one of keeping the child in line. The overcontrolling parent is firm and repressive and often holds high standards for the child’s behavior in every respect, from grades to table manners. If the child fails to live up to these expectations, punishment is likely to follow. Parental overcontrol is characterized by restrictive child-rearing in which punishment is used to set boundaries, with very little praise or positive reinforcement for good behavior (Millon and Davis 1996).

Impact in Childhood

Children of overcontrolling parents learn early on to avoid punishment by staying within the boundaries of what’s considered acceptable behavior. Because they’re punished for wrong behaviors but not praised for right ones, they often learn better what not to do. From the perspective of Erik Erikson’s (1950) psychosocial theory of development, these children may be more likely to have difficulty with tasks that involve exercising autonomy, initiative, and industry, because they’re usually more concerned with behaviors to be avoided. Experience teaches children of overcontrolling parents that in order to please Daddy and Mommy they must do everything right or perfectly—they can’t make mistakes, and they must maintain self-control.

Frank grew up in a very strict family. His father, a retired Marine colonel, was referred to as “the Great Santini,” because just like Robert Duvall as the hard-nosed Marine officer “Bull” Meecham in the movie The Great Santini, he treated his wife and children in much the same way that he’d treat new recruits. No one in Frank’s family ever stepped out of line or did anything that was considered disrespectful to either parent. When Frank was a senior in high school, his father grounded him for two months and wouldn’t let him attend his own prom because he got a “B” in gym class.

Impact in Adulthood

As these children mature, what they take from their childhood experience is that it’s important to follow the rules, to obey authority, and to keep their behavior in check, otherwise they end up feeling shame, guilt, and tremendous self-doubt.

Thus when these children grow up, they feel a need to keep their behavior under control at all costs. And just as their parents were controlling of them, now they feel they must be controlling of others as well. (This is sometimes referred to as “identifying with the aggressor.”) So, they become exactly like their overcontrolling parents. Indeed, most critical adults we’ve worked with in our private practices have a critical parent with whom they’ve identified, whether consciously or subconsciously.

Alicia grew up in a very strict household where she and her brother were taught to be neat, organized, and clean. They weren’t allowed to go out after school to play but instead had to help clean the house and help prepare dinner before their parents came home from work. On Saturdays, when other kids were out playing or going to Little League games, Alicia and her brother would have to help do the laundry and vacuuming. Alicia took many of these traits of fastidiousness and cleanliness into her adolescent and adult years.

Remember Brad and Ava from the beginning of the chapter? Brad’s parents—a dentist and a school principal—had been loving but very strict and orderly in his upbringing. And although Ava’s parents are proud of her, they don’t express it. Instead they expect the same level of achievement from Ava that they did when she was in high school and college: If she got a “B” it was considered a failure on her part and they told her to work harder. She didn’t have much of a social life in high school or college outside of her membership in honor societies and her involvement in student government. She prided herself on being a geek, though, and figured it would all pay off once she got into a top MBA program.

Anxiety

Another way to think about controlling perfectionism is as a way to alleviate deep-seated anxiety. People who feel inferior or are filled with self-doubt about their credibility or adequacy, such as controlling perfectionists, may respond to these insecurities by trying to control others, thereby allaying or modulating these anxious feelings.

Irrational Beliefs

Albert Ellis, the founder of a school of psychotherapy called rational emotive therapy, had an interesting theory of how people become controlling perfectionists. Ellis (1979) hypothesized that much of people’s psychological or emotional distress is caused by their adherence to certain irrational beliefs. An example of an irrational belief that controlling perfectionists commonly subscribe to is the idea that “one should be thoroughly competent, adequate and achieving in all possible respects if one is to consider oneself worthwhile” (Ellis 1979, p. 63). Ellis concluded that to pursue this illusory goal of perfection resulted in a self-definition that was entirely dependent on external or extrinsic achievements rather than intrinsic value or self-worth. He cautioned that perfectionism leads to fear of taking risks and making mistakes, which often sabotages the very achievement that the perfectionist strives for. Ellis felt that the antidote to this type of irrational thinking is to “do” rather than to always have to “do well,” or, if you’re trying to “do well,” that you do so for your own sake and not to please others or to compete with them.

Another example of an irrational belief (Ellis and Harper 1984) that we feel influences the controlling perfectionist is “It’s awful when people don’t behave or do as we want them to.” This irrational belief speaks to the need to control others. The more rational approach is to accept that people have free will and therefore will do what they want; therefore, it’s irrational to expect or demand that others do what you want them to, just because you say so. Finally, Ellis (1979) describes another irrational belief that we feel very much underlies the controlling perfectionist: “the idea that certain people are bad, wicked or villainous and that they should be severely blamed and punished for their villainy” (65). This belief naturally speaks to the moralistic, highly dogmatic controlling perfectionist, the “puritanical compulsive” described earlier.

Environment

Finally, it’s possible that controlling perfectionism may arise as a result of situational or environmental factors other than parenting. This explanation presents itself most often in cases of professionally bound controlling perfectionists. There are certain occupations in which order, control, perfection, and rigid adherence to rules, policies, and procedures are the gold standard for professional behavior. For example, police work involves making certain that the general public adheres to laws and that order and control are maintained. Similarly, a classroom teacher must be able to maintain control over a room full of students. Yet we often see that people in the aforementioned professions have difficulty separating out their professional and personal lives, to the point where they begin to impose the same sort of strict, rigid standards in their personal relationships as in their work. Such is the case with the cop who treats everyone like a suspected criminal or the teacher who treats everyone like a third-grader. We’ve also seen this phenomenon occur with clergy, military personnel, and people who work in various highly technical occupations that demand adherence to a strict set of rules or policies, like engineering and physical sciences. We discuss this in more detail in subsequent chapters that look at controlling perfectionists in the workplace.

Understanding what causes controlling perfectionists to behave the way they do may be small consolation if you have to deal with one on a daily basis. However, knowing something about the cause of the behavior will come in handy when we discuss strategies for dealing with the controlling perfectionist in your life.

In this chapter we outlined some general characteristics of controlling perfectionists. In the next chapter, we present a detailed picture of what the controlling perfectionist may look like in three different areas of daily life. Thus whether this person is your romantic partner, your parent, or someone in your workplace, you’ll learn to recognize the many specific behaviors that relate to the problem of a hypercritical nature.