Chapter 3
In this chapter we help you examine your reactions to the controlling perfectionist in your life. How do you respond internally—emotionally and mentally—to the criticism, and how do you behave as a result? Being able to accurately identify your difficulties with the controlling perfectionist by examining how this person affects you is the beginning of being able to discover real solutions and ways that you can more effectively manage your relationship.
To begin, do any of the following statements seem familiar?
These are just a few examples of the types of statements made by people who deal with a controlling perfectionist on a daily basis. The following stories describe how the influence of a controlling perfectionist can have drastic consequences on the entire future of a family.
Joan was proud of her reputation as the toughest district attorney in the state. She had made a name for herself as someone who wouldn’t plea-bargain a case just to avoid the expense of a trial—she made sure the “bad guys” got what they deserved. However, she also had a reputation among her colleagues as a rigid, moralistic shrew who loved to do things that got her name in the newspapers no matter whom it hurt.
In one of her well-known cases Joan had prosecuted Tara, a single mother of two young children whose boyfriend was a cocaine user. When the boyfriend was busted for dealing, Joan also went after Tara. She wanted to make an example of Tara and try to obtain the maximum sentence for cocaine possession and distribution. This meant that Tara, who had no prior record, was facing a minimum of ten to fifteen years in prison. Because Tara had no relatives willing to look after her children, they were taken into the custody of child protective services. Tara was denied pre-trial intervention and also was denied the option of going into a drug treatment program in which she could be eventually reunited with her children, who ended up in foster homes.
When Tara was sentenced, it made all the newspapers. Joan commented in an interview that she believed that the best interests of society had been served in this case and that the children of her state should not be exposed to drug-abusing parents. Yet attorneys familiar with the case thought that Joan was grandstanding in order to gain publicity and that the punishment definitely did not fit the crime.
Joan is the epitome of a professionally bound controlling perfectionist. Her career and her self-identity are essentially one and the same. She prides herself on her high standards when it comes to morality and ethics, which was evident in her approach to Tara’s case. The fact that Joan refused to be dissuaded by the human aspects of the case reveals her rigidity and her hard-heartedness—her seeming inability to show any pity or kindness. Joan also lacks insight into her own behavior—a common shortcoming of controlling perfectionists—as evidenced in her inability to see how she was grandstanding, which was clear to her colleagues. Tara paid a high price indeed for Joan’s inflexibility and righteousness.
When she and Tom became engaged, Julie was thrilled and couldn’t wait to tell her friends and family. She had been dating Tom for three years, and although they had talked about marriage, it had always seemed like just a dream. Julie’s parents were thrilled that Tom and Julie had decided to tie the knot. Julie’s mother was especially excited, and she looked forward to planning the wedding with Julie.
Julie and her mother discussed an outdoor wedding with an informal reception. Plans were going great until Tom’s mother, Hilda, got into the act. Hilda didn’t want to hear anything about a wedding that wouldn’t be held in a church. She also felt strongly that only a formal reception was in keeping with her standards. When her efforts at control didn’t seem to work, Hilda was infuriated, and she directed her anger at Julie, who began to feel so frustrated that she and Tom considered simply eloping. At one point, Hilda pretty much said that unless she had a say in the wedding plans, she wouldn’t attend the ceremony. Tom’s parents were divorced, and, given how contentious their divorce had been, Tom’s father didn’t want to try to be a voice of reason or negotiate a compromise with his ex-wife. What he’d learned over the years was that you’d save yourself a lot of grief if you just gave Hilda her way.
Exasperated by Hilda’s stubborn behavior, Tom and Julie decided to get married by the mayor in a small civil ceremony and then went out with a few friends and even fewer family members afterward. Julie and Hilda didn’t speak to one another for years.
We’ve all heard of debacles like this, and it’s hard not to feel bad for couples like Tom and Julie who were initially so happy to share their wedding day with their friends and family. Hilda’s rigidity and her sense of the moral thing to do (have a proper church wedding) far surpassed the notion that this was supposed to be Tom and Julie’s day, not hers. Hilda’s my-way-or-the-highway approach showed her lack of compassion for her son and future daughter-in-law. Hilda also had in her mind a perfect wedding and was unwilling to consider anything that didn’t conform to this perspective. It might not surprise you to learn that Hilda’s constant efforts to browbeat others into submission had contributed to the demise of her marriage to Tom’s father.
Elizabeth Packard
On May 21, 1839, Elizabeth Parsons Ware married the Reverend Theophilus Packard Jr., a strict Calvinist minister, in Massachusetts. Although they had six children and moved around, finally settling in Illinois, for many years their life together was fairly quiet—until Elizabeth began to express opinions that differed from her husband’s on matters of religion and slavery. Theophilus couldn’t tolerate her dissenting views. Under Illinois state law, it was possible for a husband to have his wife committed to a mental hospital against her will without a public hearing. So with the help of a Dr. J. W. Brown, who posed as a sewing-machine salesman in order to conduct his surreptitious evaluation of Elizabeth’s mental stability, on June 18, 1860, the minister had his wife taken into custody and confined in a state mental hospital for the next three years. Once she was finally able to petition for a jury trial, it took the jury only seven minutes to decide that she had been unjustly confined and should be freed immediately.
Several years ago, Al-Anon (the international support group for spouses, partners, and family members of alcoholics) created a TV advertisement that would usually air at around two or three in the morning, a time when the viewer might be waiting for an alcoholic to come home from the bars. The ad began with a couple arguing, presumably after the man had come home intoxicated. The woman is screaming at the man and is totally exasperated. At the end of the ad, the voice-over calmly says: “You can see what drinking is doing to them. Can you see what it’s doing to you?” The same question applies to those living with, working with, or otherwise interacting with controlling perfectionists. You can very well see what controlling perfectionism is doing to the people who have to deal with Jill, Steve, Sandra, Henry, Louis, and Trisha (from the beginning of the chapter) and what it did to Tara, Tom, Julie, and Elizabeth Packard, but when you’re dealing with a controlling perfectionist, whether it be in a love relationship, in a work relationship, or as a friend or family member, the impact tends to be much larger than you’re aware of.
Certainly you have some inkling of the effect of the controlling perfectionist on you; otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this book. But what so often becomes clear with the clients we counsel is just how pervasive and devastating the influence of the controlling perfectionist is on their feelings and thinking. Our clients often report that they feel as if they’ve been brainwashed by this person, sometimes over the course of years, and their counseling becomes a way of “deprogramming” them. What they also tell us is that they find themselves acting differently around the controlling perfectionist, almost as if they develop an alter ego. They find that they’re not being themselves or allowing their natural personality to come out. Controlling perfectionists are often contentious and seem to thrive on conflict. That’s often part of a need to engage in one-upmanship so that they can prove their worth or prove that they’re smarter than or superior to others. What friends, family, and coworkers find is that it really becomes tedious to interact with a controlling perfectionist because they find themselves always on guard. In other words, controlling perfectionists are just difficult to be around. To get some perspective on this, imagine talking with a friend or coworker whose company you enjoy: you talk about your weekend, talk about a movie you saw recently, and share a joke. The conversation feels light and easy, doesn’t it? Now contrast this with your interactions with the controlling perfectionist, in which you may feel as if you’re being cross-examined for a crime you didn’t commit. You weigh every word; you stutter or stammer. These conversations are anything but light and easy.
Although it’s important to keep in mind that no one can make you feel a certain way, let’s explore some of the emotions that the controlling perfectionist may trigger and how this may affect the way you feel about yourself.
Exercise: How Have My Feelings Been Affected?
Check any of the following statements with which you agree concerning the controlling perfectionist in your life.
Take a look at the items you’ve checked. If you checked four or more, the controlling perfectionist is likely having a profound impact on how you feel about yourself. Even people who’ve grown up in loving homes, with loving parents and siblings; even very bright, talented people may find themselves feeling inferior, demeaned, or worthless in the eyes of a controlling perfectionist.
How you feel about yourself as a result of interactions with the controlling perfectionist in your life may have an impact on your self-perception and your overall self-esteem. For example, if you find yourself feeling inferior when the controlling perfectionist treats you in a demeaning way or speaks to you in a derogatory tone, over time you may come to think of yourself as inferior. These changes in thinking are often subtle at first; however, they tend to become more pervasive over time. Sadly, you may eventually come to see yourself as the controlling perfectionist does: not smart enough, not talented enough, or not loving enough. This is what our clients mean when they allude to brainwashing. Subjected to harsh judgment and constant criticism, people may be led to believe they have no gifts or talents—nothing to offer.
Dina was so excited when she was accepted into her first-choice graduate school. She knew how prestigious the graduate program was, and she was even more excited when she was chosen to be a graduate assistant for Dr. Davis. Dr. Davis was someone Dina had admired from the first time she heard her speak at a national conference.
Working for Dr. Davis, however, was more than Dina had bargained for. No matter how much work Dina did, no matter how hard she tried, Dr. Davis was extremely critical and demeaning of Dina and the work she did. Dina knew that Dr. Davis was a tough professor with very high standards, but what she didn’t know was that Dr. Davis totally lacked compassion.
Dina began to think that maybe she wasn’t up to the standards of the graduate program and perhaps the admissions office had made a mistake by allowing her into the program and giving her an assistantship with the notable Dr. Davis. Dina’s work began to slip and her grades began to drop. By Thanksgiving, Dina was convinced that she was unworthy of being in graduate school. She began to think of herself as a screw-up who was academically unprepared to do graduate-level work.
Dina’s situation is not atypical and exists not only in academic settings, but also in many work situations. If Dr. Davis fits the profile of the controlling perfectionist, Dina could have done Nobel Prize–worthy research and Dr. Davis still would have found fault with it. That’s what controlling perfectionists do. There’s a difference between a coach or teacher who challenges you to be the best you can be, or someone who encourages you to work to your potential, and someone who holds unrealistically high standards, such as Dr. Davis. It’s no wonder that Dina came to doubt herself and her abilities.
Exercise: How Has My Thinking Been Affected?
Check any of the following thoughts you often have in your relationship with the controlling perfectionist in your life:
Look over the items you’ve checked. Can you see instances in which the controlling perfectionist has shaped the way you think about yourself? Have you reached certain conclusions about yourself or come to see yourself differently as a result of influence by the controlling perfectionist?
Controlling perfectionists have a unique talent for imposing their expectations on others, and what’s amazing is that most people will take on these expectations or try to adhere to them even if the standard or expectation seems to go against their nature. Although changes in behavior are subtle at first, most people report that when dealing with a controlling perfectionist, they often make concessions or say and do things that they wouldn’t ordinarily.
There are some people who will do anything to keep the peace, whether at work or at home. A “good daughter” will find herself striving to meet her perfectionistic father’s expectation that she get into the best college; a “good son” will date only someone his perfectionistic mother approves of. It might seem wise for someone who works for a controlling perfectionist to try to live up to the boss’s expectations in order to curry favor or to win promotions or raises. Yet of course these people all end up feeling that whatever they say, whatever they do, it’s just not good enough in the eyes of the controlling perfectionist.
Valerie always managed to be the chair of committees of the parent-teacher organization in her kid’s school. It wasn’t so much that other parents declined to volunteer for these committees but rather that they got to a point where it was easier to let Valerie chair the committees and do the work.
Last spring, some of the parents wanted to put on a fund-raising event to sponsor a special musical program that was touring the area. Many of the parents thought that this would be a good way of exposing the children to classical music without the expense of taking them to a concert hall in a nearby city. Valerie hastily rejected the proposal, claiming that no child would want to go to such a concert—her children didn’t like classical music.
Many parents ended up resigning from Valerie’s committee. Others concluded that if things weren’t done exactly to Valerie’s specifications she’d throw a hissy fit and eventually they’d get to the point where it just wasn’t worth fighting for their opinion or views to be heard.
People like Valerie are particularly hard to deal with. When people volunteer to participate on a committee or to become the chairperson of a committee, they don’t expect to be constantly doing battle to get their opinions heard. Yet people like Valerie have a knack for taking charge, and somehow it seems they’re always right and everyone else is wrong. A common response in this situation is to sooner or later give in or give up.
Exercise: How Has My Behavior Been Affected?
Ask yourself whether you’ve done the following things in your relationship with the controlling perfectionist in your life. Check all that apply.
Controlling perfectionists often affect how people feel about themselves, think, and behave. And, we’re sorry to say, controlling perfectionists are probably not going to fundamentally change how they treat others, including you (deep inside, you may have already known that). But here’s the good news: you can change how you think and behave, and that’s precisely what we cover in part II of this book.