Chapter 5

Setting Limits and Boundaries

The controlling perfectionist in your life may be micromanaging you or bullying you into doing things that you really don’t want to or that you feel obligated to do. When you’re in daily contact with a controlling perfectionist, it’s important that you limit this kind of behavior; otherwise you risk this person running your life and denying you any kind of consideration, not to mention impoverishing your sense of who you are. This means that at times you need to come to your own defense or challenge unreasonable expectations. However, you need to be careful to do so in ways that won’t create more problems for you than they solve. Responding too aggressively or making the controlling perfectionist angry might have negative consequences—you don’t want to do something you’ll regret. For example, it may be unwise to storm into your boss’s office and tell her to shove her job, unless you can afford to be unemployed. You can avoid such desperate situations in the first place if you define and make clear to the controlling perfectionist what you will and won’t put up with.

By setting limits or boundaries on inappropriate or abusive behavior, you’re essentially saying, “It’s not okay to treat me this way.” This becomes a way of asserting yourself and claiming your self-worth because you’re also communicating that you deserve to be treated better. Limits and boundaries are necessary to any healthy relationship, but with a controlling perfectionist you may need to work harder to enforce them.

In this chapter, we suggest some ways you can begin to set limits and boundaries on perfectionistic and controlling behaviors so that you may have more freedom and hopefully more happiness in any kind of relationship with a controlling perfectionist. (In chapters 7 and 8 we present additional strategies specific to handling controlling perfectionists in romantic relationships, in family relationships, and in the workplace.)

Difficulties with Boundary Setting

It’s not uncommon for people who have a history of being treated poorly or abusively to have difficulty accepting that they deserve to be treated better. The following exercise will help you determine whether the controlling perfectionist may find your boundaries weak or lacking as a result of damage to your self-worth.

Exercise: Discovering Origins of Difficulties with Boundary Setting

So that you may explore the possible roots of your problems with the controlling perfectionist, answer the following questions as they relate to your childhood and adolescence. In the space provided for each, write the number that best corresponds to your answer, where 0 = never, 1 = sometimes, and 2 = often.

Now add up your score. A score of 0 indicates you probably grew up in a healthy environment in which your needs were addressed and you developed good self-worth. A score between 10 and 20 indicates you probably grew up in a home that was abusive or neglectful or, at the very least, invalidating. People who score high on this measure usually have difficulty setting boundaries and limits with controlling perfectionists because they have difficulty valuing and loving themselves.

Valuing Yourself and Increasing Your Self-Worth

If you suffer from a lack of self-worth, the good news is that there are things you can do to help you value yourself and recognize that you deserve to be treated well. It will take some effort, but when you practice thinking and acting in ways that put yourself first, over time you’ll find it easier to set limits with others, and that includes the controlling perfectionist.

One way that you can begin to value yourself is by setting aside time each day to do something that you want to do, something that’s just for you. It doesn’t have to be something complicated; in fact, simple activities are often best, because they can be done more easily. Following are some suggestions:

• Read the newpaper or a magazine.
• Exercise or take a walk.
• On your way to work, stop for coffee, tea, or even breakfast.
• Meditate.
• Look into taking a class on a subject you want to learn more about.
• Watch whatever you want to on TV.
• Take time out to do something that you like or enjoy.

Spending time on your own, engaged in an activity that you find invigorating or relaxing, helps you attach importance to yourself and to doing things that benefit you and you alone. If you’re used to constantly doing things that benefit others or that others want you to do, this practice may seem strange at first. But the more you do it, the more you’ll see that putting your own needs and desires first, even for only a short time each day, can help you learn to care for yourself when faced with many or difficult demands. Soon you’ll wonder how you ever got along before you started taking a little time for yourself!

Exercise: Ways to Value Yourself and Boost Your Self-Worth

Think of some activities that you can do to take time for yourself. Remember, these should be simple things you enjoy or that help you charge your batteries, 100 percent solo. Don’t include activities that involve or are meant for the benefit of others. Try to come up with at least five things and list them below:

1. ___________
2. ___________
3. ___________
4. ___________
5. ___________

In Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Own Life, Jan Black and Greg Enns (1997) list some additional ways that people can develop better self-worth. Following are adaptations of some of their suggestions. Check off at least three that you feel you can commit to on an ongoing basis, in service of yourself.

• ___________ Make choices that are about you.
• ___________ Be mindful of defeatist statements that you make to yourself (for example: I can’t do anything right. I’m such a screwup). Once you’re aware of these thoughts, consciously stop yourself and substitute a positive statement (Hey, everyone makes mistakes—why should I be different?).
• ___________ Acknowledge your fears and things that cause you anxiety…but then try to challenge these fears. For example, if you get anxious talking to people you don’t know, consider saying hello to a stranger every day.
• ___________ Acknowledge your own preferences—whether in foods, leisure activities, movies, artistic interests, or books—and indulge them.
• ___________ Decorate your living or work space in ways that you find pleasing and that help assert that this is your space. For instance, use photos and pictures that relate to you or your tastes.
• ___________ When you’re having a difficult time making decisions, pretend that it’s not you but a friend of yours who’s in your situation. Determine what advice you’d offer your friend, and then take it yourself.
• ___________ Visualize your goals. Where would you like to be a month from now, three months from now, six months, or a year?

You Have Rights!

If you’ve been dealing with a controlling perfectionist for any appreciable length of time, it’s easy to feel that you and your views don’t count or don’t matter. All too often, those close to a perfectionist begin to buy in to the idea that this person really does have all the answers and therefore everyone should submit to his or her view of the world. What’s implied, however, is that you have few or no rights. One of the starting points for setting limits and boundaries is being able to accept that you have rights too. Because controlling perfectionists are so often outwardly disciplined and conscientious, it’s easy to be impressed by their persistence and goal-directed behavior. Yet often their excessive conscientiousness or devotion to work gets in the way of actually completing tasks and being able to work well with others. In an intimate relationship, the controlling perfectionist may be able at the drop of a hat to criticize a comment you made but have difficulty expressing warm, loving feelings toward you. Therefore this person is, as we all are, imperfect, with no more rights than anyone else.

Exercise: Declaring Your Rights

One way to set boundaries and limits on perfectionistic and controlling behavior is by identifying those behaviors that you’re no longer willing to tolerate and writing a statement or declaration to that effect. Putting something in writing instead of just holding it in your mind can be validating and help you commit to your intentions. And reviewing this document a week from now, a month from now, or a year from now can give you a sense of pride, help you stay on track, or get you back on track.

You can use the template below. Please note that we’ve purposely left a few of the rights blank, for you to fill in. Here are some examples of the types of rights our clients have expressed: “The right to not be bullied by my boss or coworker”; “The right to not be criticized by my boyfriend”; “The right to be treated respectfully by my wife”; “The right to define my own strengths and weaknesses, not to be defined by my supervisor.” You can fill in the blanks with something specific to the rights you wish to assert. In the second part of the declaration, you might use something like “getting baited into arguments” as a behavior you’ll no longer put up with and “not overreacting when spoken to in a critical way” as a response. You can revisit and revise this declaration after you finish the book, if you like.

I, ___________ , being of sound mind and body, do hereby declare that I have the following rights:

• The right to be treated with respect.
• The right not to be yelled at or demeaned.
• The right to refuse to do something that I really don’t want to do.
• The right not to be bullied into submission.
• The right to set my own schedule and agenda and to take things at my own pace.
• The right to make mistakes. Making mistakes can be a valuable learning tool.
• The right to ___________ .
• The right to .

Above all, I have the right to be imperfect!

In accordance with these rights, I swear that I will no longer tolerate or put up with the following behaviors: ___________

___________ .

In instances in which I encounter these behaviors, I will respond by:

___________ .

Jan Black and Greg Enns (1997) make the point that learning to set effective boundaries is more than a matter of learning general techniques or catchy rules of thumb, because boundary setting must be based on your own beliefs about how you should be treated. If you feel that you have rights and that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, you’re already of the mind to set better boundaries, especially in stopping patterns of behavior in which you may be treated abusively or dismissively.

Three Keys to Better Boundaries

Take a minute to think of the types of situations in which the controlling perfectionist in your life does things that really bother or annoy you. For instance, you might find any of the following highly offensive:

• Unflattering comments about your appearance
• Comments that belittle your intellect or your interests
• Unrealistic demands, such as asking you to accomplish tasks that you can’t possibly finish in the time you have, no matter how hard you work
• Unreasonable demands, such as expecting you to work late or on your days off
• Know-it-all behavior meant to put you down
• Jokes made at your expense
• Overfocus on details to the point of losing sight of the task or discussion at hand
• Insensitivity to your needs
• Disregard for or dismissiveness of your opinions and feelings
• Difficulty expressing warm or loving feelings

In order to set boundaries, it’s important that you begin to think of ways you can react to these situations that are different from the way you may usually react. You may have heard the saying “If you want to feel something you’ve never felt before, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done before.” Although there are many and various ways to cope with a controlling perfectionist, what we’re asking you to consider is whether you’re willing to try some new things.

As described earlier, controlling perfectionists are known for demanding that those who work with them or for them do everything perfectly and that they accomplish tasks to those perfectionistic expectations. What most of our clients complain of when dealing with controlling perfectionists is that they find themselves frustrated and exasperated or feeling incompetent or inferior because there’s absolutely no way that they can live up to those demands, which may be outrageous to begin with. Often in situations like this they find themselves avoiding conflict by repressing what they really want to say (which may be along the lines of “Will you just shut up for once and let me do things the way I want to?!”) or bottling up their feelings—which can be very stressful—because they feel that they don’t have the right to say anything to the perfectionist. It’s not uncommon for people who keep their feelings bottled up in this way to feel more and more displeased, eventually reaching a point where they explode, launching into a tirade and ending up feeling either guilty or anxious about reprisal. Neither bottling up nor blowing up is a very good place to be, and either situation leads to feeling stressed. This is one of the reasons that those who live or work with a controlling perfectionist often feel a lot of rage (and are therefore more likely to blow up or respond in excess of what the situation calls for) or feel depressed or shut down emotionally—because they don’t regularly express how they feel.

So how do you keep from going down this road? How do you put a stop to the “bottling operation” and the situations that provoke it?

You’ll need to learn three keys to setting boundaries with a controlling perfectionist and keep them in mind at all times.

1. Don’t expect the controlling perfectionist to change or to recognize your talents.
2. Set your own expectations and benchmarks.
3. Although it’s important to be assertive, there may be times when it’s better to bide your time and wait for the right opportunity to make a statement of your rights.

Moderate Your Expectations of Change

One of the confusing things about controlling perfectionists is that every so often, they will throw you a bone, which could take the form of a compliment or a statement of gratitude for something you did. But don’t be fooled. Controlling perfectionists are even less likely to change spontaneously than they are to change in response to requests to do so (as discussed in chapter 4). Don’t imagine that a few kind words mean that the controlling perfectionist has finally recognized your worth or value. Controlling perfectionists may recognize when their behavior has crossed a line, at which point they may provide some grudging praise or words of thanks. Or their momentary approval may be meant to encourage you and keep you on the path to that elusive goal of perfection. They soon are back to their usual ways. So our recommendation is simple: be realistic.

Set Your Own Expectations and Benchmarks

You know that you’re always going to fall short of the controlling perfectionist’s expectations. If you try to live up to them, you end up feeling inferior or incompetent, right? So here’s the alternative: set your own expectations, goals, and benchmarks. Whether it be at work or at home, in romantic relationships or in friendships, you’ll be better off if you try to do the best you can, rather than what the controlling perfectionist wants you to do.

Jim, a middle school teacher, enjoys his job and likes the interaction he has with his students. Many people consider him a dedicated teacher, and his students’ parents know they can count on him to be available if there’s some problem or conflict. Unfortunately, Jim’s principal, Mrs. Talbot, doesn’t share these views of him. She’s extremely critical of Jim: she feels that he coddles his students and is too lenient. She implies that Jim is lazy because he doesn’t aspire to a supervisory position—however, Jim knows that if he were to be promoted, he wouldn’t have as much interaction with students and would become a slave to paperwork. Mrs. Talbot is very vocal about her criticisms of Jim, and it seems as if she tries to make him miserable by micromanaging him—reviewing his lesson plans on nearly a daily basis and making certain he’s on time for meetings and lunchroom monitor duty.

If Jim buys in to Mrs. Talbot’s perception of his performance as a teacher, he’ll end up feeling incompetent and demoralized. However, if Jim were to measure his value and worth as a teacher based on how his students respond to him, parents’ comments that they appreciate his accessibility and fairness, and the fact that he enjoys his work, then by all standards we’d say that Jim is successful. In Mrs. Talbot’s opinion, all teachers should aspire to supervisory positions and if they don’t there must be something wrong with them. After all, Mrs. Talbot probably feels that everyone should be just like she is…cold, demanding, and critical.

Know When to Be Assertive and When to Avoid Conflict

Conflicts and disagreements with a controlling perfectionist may often put you in the proverbial “no-win” situation, because even if you’re right you’ll end up being wronged in the long run: while no one really likes to be proven wrong or incorrect, controlling perfectionists tend to take it as a major attack on their character and retaliate harshly. When you’re used to getting that kind of reaction, you may feel that most times it’s just not worth it to challenge the controlling perfectionist. While that may be true, avoiding conflict doesn’t require that you cave in or let this person walk all over you. For example, to save your energy, rather than react or respond to unreasonable demands you have the option of simply ignoring them (Bernstein 2001). However, it’s important for your self-esteem that you be able to express your thoughts and feelings (note that this is not the same as trying to win an argument or persuade the controlling perfectionist to change).

How do you decide when it’s in your best interest to speak up? There are no hard and fast rules for when to express yourself versus when to refrain from a confrontation, but it’s a good idea to respond any time you’re under verbal attack or faced with an unreasonable request. Basic assertive communication skills (discussed in chapter 6) are helpful in any circumstance; however, with a controlling perfectionist you may not get the same response that you would from a more reasonable person. Remember, controlling perfectionists are not known for their sense of empathy and compassion, so don’t count on them to respond appropriately to your feelings. Remember, too, that the goal is to establish better boundaries, which sometimes will mean that you need to refrain from buying in to the way in which the controlling perfectionist has defined you. Thus you may need to be somewhat standoffish. However, you should avoid being argumentative—this includes responding angrily or with sarcasm.

The goal of responding assertively to the controlling perfectionist is to put a stop to demanding or what can be abusive behavior without opening yourself up to retaliation. It’s very much like walking a tightrope. The following examples illustrate how an assertive response, in contrast with other types of responses, can effectively set boundaries and limits. Although you may be accustomed to using an angry, sarcastic, neutral, or acquiescing response, can you see yourself responding assertively in similar situations? Would an assertive type of response work with the controlling perfectionist in your life? (We discuss assertive communication and assertive responses in more detail in chapter 6.)

Example 1. While driving alone, you’ve had an accident. The car is damaged, but you’re okay. Your spouse says: “I can’t believe you smashed the car up. I bet you were texting and speeding, right?”

• Angry/sarcastic response: “Like you’ve never had an accident before? You drive like a ninety-year-old. And I wasn’t texting or speeding. Do you think I enjoy being in car accidents? Oh, and by the way, I wasn’t injured, thank God. I know how concerned you’d be about my well-being.”
• Neutral/acquiescing response: “Yes, I was really upset by the accident too.”
• Assertive response: “I’m sorry the car was dented. It wasn’t my intention to upset you.”

Example 2. You’ve made an error when billing a major client. Your boss shouts: “You totally screwed up that client’s account. This mistake is going to cost us thousands! What were you thinking?”

• Angry/sarcastic response: “Well, I obviously wasn’t thinking about the account that much, was I? It must be so comforting to know you’re perfect in every way.”
• Neutral/acquiescing response: “I’m upset also. I didn’t mean to make a costly mistake.”
• Assertive response: “I’m sorry about the mistake. I’d like to go over the figures to see where the mistake may have taken place.”

Example 3. Because of numerous other work responsibilities and priorities, you didn’t have time to finish a couple of reports this week. Your supervisor says: “I hope you didn’t make any plans for the weekend. You need to come into the office and get these reports done.”

• Angry/sarcastic response: “Wow, that’s great! I’d planned to go to the beach, but I’ll just bring my boyfriend and some margaritas with me.”
• Neutral/acquiescing response: “I’ll change my plans around so I can come in. What time do you want me to be here?”
• Assertive response: “I know the reports are important, but I wish you’d given me a heads-up so I could have arranged my schedule to complete the reports during the week.”

Exercise: Assertive Boundary Setting

Practice responding to the following demands in a way that stands up for you and your rights without being oppositional. Once you get good at figuring out assertive responses, you’ll write your own alternative responses (angry/sarcastic and neutral/acquiescing), to help you identify such responses as poor choices when the urge to respond in either of these ways arises.

1. “This house is a mess. Can’t you take a few minutes and straighten up? I’m tired of your living like a slob.”

   Angry/sarcastic response: “It’s good that after all these years, you’ve decided that you don’t want to live like a slob!”

   Neutral/acquiescing response: “The place does look pretty messy.”

   Assertive response:

   ___________ .

2. “I want these expense accounts completed by Wednesday, and don’t give me any excuses for why they can’t be done by then.”

   Angry/sarcastic response: “Did I happen to mention that the dog ate the expense accounts?”

   Neutral/acquiescing response: “I’ll start to work on them now.”

   Assertive response:

   ___________ .

3. “You’re always late for our dates. Why can’t you just get here on time for once—is that too much to ask?”

Angry/sarcastic response: ___________

___________ .

Neutral/acquiescing response: ___________

___________ .

Assertive response:

___________ .

A Final Recommendation: Give Yourself Time to Think

Sometimes an unreasonable demand or request may blindside you or make you feel as if you’re being put on the spot. This can be one of the most frustrating things about working with or living with a controlling perfectionist. One of our graduate students who had worked in the corporate world for several years reported that her solution to being put on the spot by a boss or administrator was to respond simply, “Let me get back to you on that.” She found that this allowed her time to decide what she wanted to say and what approach to use. So if you don’t know how to respond in the moment in a way that asserts your rights, stall. It’s a useful technique that will most certainly help you at first, until you become practiced in setting limits and boundaries.

As Sandy Hotchkiss (2002) points out, the operative word when setting boundaries is “control,” meaning that you stay in control. Remember, controlling perfectionists are accustomed to being in control and getting others to jump when they say so. Although it may seem somewhat unusual for you to take control and set boundaries at first, soon you’ll wonder why you let this situation go on for so long. So give yourself permission to respond in new ways to the controlling perfectionist in your life, and practice!

When you assert your rights, at the very least the perfectionist may respect your willingness to stick up for yourself, and you set the stage for asking for your needs to be met. In the next chapter we talk more about getting the controlling perfectionist to hear you and how to get your point across when advocating for your needs and wishes—here assertive communication can help you again.