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“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED to my laundry counter?” suddenly echoed throughout the house.
“Uh oh, I thought you fixed that,” Danny said as he poked Kevin in the chest.
“Well, I filled the hole with that expanding goop, and you know sometimes that stuff gets out of hand and.”
“Yes, yes I know, so sand it down or something, dummy.”
“Hey, I wasn’t the one who spilled that stuff while putting it away, and I didn’t jostle your arm either. You are just a klutz. What the hell is she doing over there anyway? Hey who the hell is that?” Kevin pointed to a video monitor that had just turned on along with an alarm and a flashing light.
Danny hit the intercom button that Maggie had just used. “Um, we have what ordinarily I would call an intruder, but just looking at him, I wouldn’t put him in that category. I’m not sure what to call him other than some geeky guy hanging around the front gate, looking very uncomfortable and sweaty,” Danny announced over the air.
“I’m on it,” Melissa announced behind them and ran out of the room.
Then they heard, “You guys are in so much trouble. Maggie sounded pissed.”
Unbeknownst to Kevin and Danny, Maggie had joined Melissa in their Jeep and they were en route to check on their visitor.
“How long before the guys realize we have gone out to meet our mysterious stranger,” asked Melissa as she carefully drove through the desert, trying not to kick up any dust along the way.
“Oh, I figure until they won’t have a clue until they see us on the monitor,” answered Maggie
Melissa carefully made a turn around an outcropping of rocks to avoid being seen from the gate, and asked Maggie “I know I’m a glutton for punishment, but how did a smart woman like you fall for Danny?”
“I met Danny when he audited one of my classes. He was so different from any of the other guys I had dated or even met. He didn’t have that predatory vibe about him. He had such a smart, funny personality, I fell for him almost immediately. Danny’s got that lovely blonde hair, not to mention he is very easy on the eyes. Of course, there are drawbacks to such a combination of intelligence and weird sense of humor.”
Melissa grinned, “I hadn’t noticed. It’s amazing those two are best friends. Kevin is a super neat freak and Danny is sort of a whirlwind of chaos.”
“Better opposites than carbon copies of each other. I couldn’t imagine two identical Dannys or Kevins. Here we are. Shall we meet our geeky stranger?” asked Maggie as Melissa pulled behind some natural cover alongside their front gate.
Back inside the house, Danny and Kevin were still staring at the monitor.
“What kind of car is that and which gate is he at?” asked Kevin.
“What do mean which gate, how many gates do we have? Oh, right, the North gate and a smugly one.”
“Smugly, ha! That’s a good one. It is tiny.”
“Where did Melissa run off to? Let the ladies know that, we will go out and meet this guy.”
“Too late.”
“What do you mean too late? Shit. The ladies beat us to it, didn’t they? Oh well, should we join them or sit and watch from here?”
“I think we should head on out and make sure he didn’t bring any friends.”
“Oh yes, good idea, I was just about to think, I mean, suggest that,” Danny quickly added.
Danny and Kevin soon roared up to the North gate in their Land Rover, completely forgetting they were supposed to have been Maggie and Melissa’s cover from a distance.
“Imbecilic, morons” muttered Melissa.
“Pardon?” Humberto asked.
“Not you,” replied Melissa, “at least I don’t think so. I haven’t gotten to know you yet, so I’ll reserve judgment for now. Guys, this is Humberto, Humberto these are the guys.” She edged closer to Humberto and whispered, “Just ignore them, and maybe they will go away. I’m praying they will.”
Humberto looked confused, but before he could utter anything, Melissa continued.
“You are under the impression that someone in this area had something to do with that formula that changed everything. Is that correct?”
“Yes, as I already explained I have access to, well, information that no one should have access to, and I was able to trace the footprint so to speak of the formula back to three individuals: a Ms. Maggie Penny, a Daniel Kensington and finally a Kevin Montgomery. Oh, and I can’t forget the invaluable assistance of Kevin’s friend, Zhang Lei or should I say Bond, James Bond Ha.”
“EEEP.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing, just a road runner. They are all over the place, aren’t they, Marvin?”
“Who? Me? Yes, they are swarming all over the place!” Danny yelped.
“Listen, I am not a fool, I know it was you three. Specifically, Danny and Kevin who invented the formula and Maggie who sold it to the Chinese for a hefty profit with Lei acting as the middleman. You guys think you were careful, but you weren’t as smart as you thought you were. You left traces of yourselves everywhere,” Humberto said in the most authoritative voice he could muster. He almost pulled it off except for a sudden gust of wind that blew dust everywhere, sending Humberto into de-dusting frenzy as he tried to rid himself of every particle of dirt that blew onto his new LL Bean ensemble.
“Listen, isn’t there some sort of inside area where we could talk and be out of all this dirty, dusty, overly bright outsideness?” Humberto asked as he attempted to clean his glasses on his shirt and only smeared more dirt onto the lenses.
“Oh my God, is it me or is this guy scary and hysterical all at the same time?” Maggie whispered to Mellissa.
“I was thinking the same thing, and trying to figure out if that makes him somewhat harmless, or on the edge of insanity or”
“Makes him one of us,” finished Maggie
As Maggie and Mellissa were trying to figure out their options regarding Humberto, Danny and Kevin were waving to the girls from Humberto’s Spark which headed toward the house.
Maggie turned to Melissa. “What’s the penalty for murder in New Mexico”?
“There usually has to be a corpus delicti for there to be a crime. No body, no murder. There’s a whole lot of desert out here,” replied Melissa.
At the house, Danny and Kevin circled their new guest and questioned him about how he came to find them.
“So let’s say for curiosity’s sake if we were who you thought we were, how did you come to find out where we were? Because if were who you thought we were, wouldn’t we have been extra careful about concealing our whereabouts?” Kevin asked.
Humberto took a few moments to decipher what Kevin had just asked, took another few seconds to decide how to answer, and replied, “Well, Mr. Careful, what would you say if I said it’s a lovely time of year to visit North Yorkshire.”
“Oh crap. Harrogate, North Yorkshire?” cried Kevin.
“Yes, but what if we took steps to encrypt. I mean, that is if we had anything to do with anything” said, Danny.
“BULLRUN,” answered Humberto.
“Double fuck” moaned Kevin.
“I suppose when you said you had access to information no one should have access to, you were referring to PRISM, DISHFIRE, ECHELON, etc?” asked Danny.
“I have no idea what those terms mean or what you are referring to,” Humberto replied, nodding vigorously.
Maggie and Melissa had just entered the room and heard the tail end of the conversation. “Okay, what the hell are you all talking about, and use regular English, not acronyms,” Maggie said to Danny and Kevin.
“Shall I?” said Kevin. “In Harrogate, North Yorkshire is the RAF, sorry, Royal Air Force’s, Minworth which is similar to Area 51 in that it doesn’t exist, and you are not allowed anywhere near this place that doesn’t exist. It provides communications and intelligence support to both the UK and the US. It’s supposed to be the biggest electronic monitoring station in the world and holds the ECHELON system, a top-secret network used to intercept private and commercial communications. PRISM is through the NSA, sorry, the National Security Agency, which collects data from the nine major internet companies DISHFIRE is similar, but it involves text messages. BULLRUN is a highly classified decryption program run by the NSA. Apparently, Humberto has access to the highest level security clearance. But who is it that you work for?”
“Kevin is right. Just who are you? What department do you work for? For that matter, what government do you work for and why are you here?” Melissa whispered this to Humberto mere inches from his face, and in very soft but scary voice.
He paled noticeably, backed up until he felt the back of his knees against what he was hoping was a chair or something similar, and collapsed. He then started explaining his visit.
He first explained his job description, what had transpired up to now, and how insane everything become in such a short period of time. He then mentioned TOTH.
Maggie leaned in close to Humberto and asked in a slow, even tone that caused all the hair on Humberto’s neck to stand up, “TOTH? Stop talking government gobbity goop. What the hell is TOTH?”
“Ummm, TOTH is Thinning of the, ah, you, know umm, herd,” mumbled Humberto.
“Holy fuck shit!” Maggie yelped promptly sat down and stared straight ahead.
“I can’t add anything to that, Maggie,” Danny whispered as he collapsed next to her on the couch and placed his arm around her shoulders.
Melissa and Kevin just stared at and then hugged each other wordlessly. Melissa began to shake with Kevin holding her close.
After a silent moment, Melissa shouted while stamping her foot, “Damn it, damn it!” She pulled away from Kevin with tears streaming down her face. “I hate crying, this is so fucked up. I figured at some point, we as a civilization would end up destroying ourselves, but not this way. And, not in my lifetime. God, that sounds selfish. But if anything, I thought the end would start in another part of the world. You know, someplace that is always in turmoil. I can even see it ending with that nut with the bad haircut and his unusual way of getting rid of relatives. But here? Because of a vanity product? The world comes to an end because everyone wants to look smoking hot? That is fucked up.” Who knew it would get this far?”
“I think we either need to get on the next shuttle to Mars, which isn’t going to happen, or we can try to stop the home-grown nuts here and somehow stop or reverse the formula,” said Kevin.
“But would going public stop the nutty professor from some sort of pandemic or another disaster?” asked Danny.
“No, I don’t think it would. I think whatever he and his like-minded group have planned has been set in motion by his number one guy,” replied Humberto.
“Hey, hey, we’re all forgetting one thing. Ever since the formula, we are much more resistant to bacteria and viruses, colds, flu, etc. I haven’t been sick since taking it,” Danny added.
“Yes, I’ve thought of that. My guess is that these psychos intend to use a virus they have amped up. I did a little research, and there are two flu viruses that humans have no immunity to: H5N1 and H7N9. They actually originated from poultry and then spread to humans. These viruses both have the capability of turning into a pandemic according to the World Health Organization. I’ve been monitoring WHO and CDC internal communications very carefully. I’m afraid there may have been a test case in a small village in the United Republic of Tanzania. Large portions of Tanzania villages rely on poultry. About half a village was wiped out by “an unknown virus.” And yes, a majority of the residents had been using the formula. It’s amazing how far-flung that stuff is. My guess is they need to tweak the virus it until they get 100% results.”
“It still amazes me that the polio vaccine and other lifesaving vaccines have a terrible time getting through to some of these countries, let alone out of the way villages due to the usual political nonsense by those in charge. Yet the formula appeared almost everywhere. Of course one of the side effects of the formula is people are much more resistant to diseases now, but you know everybody is buying it for the cosmetic reason. We are such a shallow, neurotic species,” Maggie said to no one in particular.
Turning to Kevin, Melissa nudged him gently, “You’ve been awfully quiet, what have you been thinking about, big guy?”
“Well, I really can’t add anything creatively in the area of how exponentially something potentially wonderful turned into such a cluster fuck. But I have been thinking of mass hysteria and how to use it to our advantage,” Kevin replied.
“You mean NLP on a worldwide scale?” asked Melissa.
“Every day you make me love you more and more. Yes, NLP. But I don’t know if it’s possible to get people around the world to stop doing something they think is a gift from heaven.”
Humberto, who had regained his courage and voice, now interjected, “By NLP you are referring to Neuro-Linguistic Programming, correct? I just want to clarify that we are talking about the psychotherapy NLP where one tries to change behavior by changing thought patterns. In the government, we used so many acronyms, NLP could’ve meant Natural Language Processing, Natural Laboratory Partnership, Network Library Program, Natural Livestock and Poultry.”
Melissa interrupted Humberto's anagram list by shouting, “Natural fucking Livestock and Poultry? Did you really think I was referring to Natural Livestock and Poultry on a worldwide-scale?”
“Well, I wasn’t sure where you were headed, and like I said there are so many acronyms out there, it gets confusing. Besides, I thought that Neuro-Linguistic Programming was considered pseudo-science and was total bunk. I mean if you want to change someone’s thought patterns, the CIA had some out of this world mind-blowing stuff. I mean, so I’ve heard. I mean, I must have seen it in a movie. One of those totally ridiculous spy things. Ha ha...” Humberto trailed off and stared at something fascinating on the top of his right shoe.
Danny, along with everyone else, stared at Humberto without speaking for several seconds. Finally, after a few false starts and without breaking eye contact with Humberto’s bent head, said, “I don’t think you can put the freak on people worldwide. Or try to hypnotize them on a grand scale. Even if people started to get weird side effects like, oh, say death for example, people would still use it. Look at cigarettes; they are called coffin nails for a reason. People who have emphysema and are dying from lung cancer still want to puff away. Same goes for the hardcore drugs. Hey, let's purchase and then inject or ingest something from a stranger in a dark alley. What could possibly go wrong? People consistently do it which makes other people insanely rich off of misery and death. There’s no way to stop stupidity and greed.”
“There may be if there’s no high,” Maggie quietly said.
“Who said that? Was that you, Melissa? Oh, it was you, Maggie? I don’t believe I’ve heard that tone in your voice before,” said Danny.
“What tone are you referring to?” snapped Maggie.
“Ahhh, my girl is back. You had me worried there for a second. You got all quiet. Very unlike you. Thought you were going to be sick or something,” Danny said as he kissed Maggie on the cheek.
“Can we get back on track? It’s like working with sugar-crazed preschoolers sometimes, and the new addition to the asylum is not exactly helping,” Maggie shouted .
“Yup she’s back,” Danny said with a grin.
“Wait, she’s mixing metaphors. Are we sugar-crazed preschoolers or inmates at an asylum?” asked Humberto since he’d finally finished examining the tops of his shoes.
“Enough!” barked Maggie. “Now, do I have everyone’s attention?”
All heads nodded. Humberto knew when to keep his mouth shut, and this seemed like a good time to go into full rabbit like freeze until the storm known as Maggie died down.
She squeezed Danny’s hand, then stood up and began pacing, “I have come to the conclusion after working with un molded young minds and my peers at the college that the average person is an idiot.”
Danny and Kevin nodded immediately as they always thought they were the smartest and wittiest people in any gathering.
Melissa nodded enthusiastically, recalling all the years working as a police officer and the unbelievably ignorant and surprisingly proud to be ignorant people she dealt with on a daily basis. That didn’t even include the people she had worked with inside the department. (That had been an entirely different species of stupid.)
Humberto was at first shocked to hear such a sweeping generalization, but then remembered what had been the most popular TV shows before the formula. Reality TV and award shows. He wouldn’t be surprised if they came up with a category of “Best Award Show” on the next award show. You would think people would get tired of narcissists and their so-called problems but cheap to produce shows and whiny rich people apparently appeal to ... by God she was right. The average person was a complete moron.
“OK, we have all agreed that people are stupid. I am throwing myself into this pile as well for I have fallen for many advertising gimmicks as well as someone in this room who watches infomercials far into the night,” remarked Maggie as her gaze settled on Danny. “Danny is right. We probably won’t be able to scare people into not using the formula, but if we make it appear selfish and hideously inappropriate, or best of all politically incorrect to use, we might be able to keep people from using the product. Of course, if it appears that it has stopped working, people will stop using it. Hopefully, if enough people suddenly turn against the formula, nutty McNutjob from the inner sanctum of our government will stop Project Insanity.”
“Nutty McNutjob, ha! That’s a fitting name for him and his second in command,” laughed Humberto.
“All right, so how are we going to accomplish this miracle and within a short period of time?” Melissa asked. “Also, what was that bit about ‘no high’?”
“We are going to have to go viral somehow. You know how some celebrity will say or do something “inappropriate” or downright criminal and the whole world knows about it nearly instantly? If we can get to the plants that are manufacturing the face creams and tweak the nanotechnology to make the body cream do nothing, people should theoretically start wrinkling up again. And only a few manufacturing plants make face creams, which are just sold under a bunch of different names and priced accordingly,” so we’d only have to target those few plants,” replied Maggie.
“Hey, hey how about those video chat apps,” chimed in Kevin. “That would be a quick solution. Make it look like people all over the world are disgusted with the product for various reasons.” He stood as though facing an invisible whiteboard and wrote in the air with large sweeping block letters, “The dangers of nanotechnology. If you use the product, you are living longer but are preventing another life from coming into the world. In essence, if you continue to use this product, you are a baby killer.” Kevin stressed the last two words by jumping up and pumping his fist. “Not that baby killer is a good thing, but you know what I mean,” he added.
“Yes. I see where you are going,” said Danny. “The dangers of nanotechnology; duh du dum dee dum, cue the spooky music. Who knows what happens over the long-term with extended use? What good are fewer wrinkles if your hair and teeth fall out.”
“Or if you turn sterile,” suggested Humberto.”
“Or, better yet, impotent!” shouted Melissa
Everyone turned to stare at her.
“Sorry, I got carried away.”
“What do woman get or lose?” Humberto asked
“What do you mean?” said Melissa.
“The female version of impotent, what do you do, shrivel up down there or what?”
At that, Danny and Kevin decided they needed to prepare a seven-course dinner in the kitchen immediately and sprinted for the doorway at breakneck speed. There was a minor collision in the entrance to the kitchen when Danny slowed down to look over his shoulder for a quick preview of the carnage to come, but Kevin pushed him through the doorway as he had built up quite a head of steam and couldn’t slow down. There was a crashing of chairs hitting tables, and then the floor before all was quiet.
Humberto watched the two men scamper out of the living room at about the same time his brain fully realized what his mouth had just said. He began to rise from his chair, but found two angry looking women hovering over him. He slid back down and raised his arms in what he hoped was a look of surrender. “Please don’t hurt me, I have no social skills and have little to no concept of what to say to anyone. Most of the time I work with numbers, and consequently, the right side of my brain has atrophied. I’m not responsible for what comes out of my mouth at any given moment,” he pleaded his arms now protectively covering his head.
Maggie and Melissa looked at each other, then at Humberto, and back at each other, at which point they both began to giggle.
“Come out of the kitchen, you cowards, we are all good here. We promise not to kill or maim anyone in the next 30 minutes,” promised Melissa, making a criss cross-motion over her heart with her fingers.
Humberto gave a deep sigh before asking, “Wait, what was that about 30 minutes?”
Danny and Kevin emerged from the kitchen, each carrying a huge sandwich and a bag of chips, and settled on the couch, ignoring Maggie and Melissa’s laser-like glares.
Humberto was going to ask how they’d managed to make sandwiches that fast but remembered something else had been worrying him. “I know you are in the middle of nowhere but, times have changed, and food and shelter are very scarce. You have plenty of both from what I have seen in my short time here. How have you been able to keep it? There are horrifying stories every day of home invasions where families are torn from their homes by roving gangs who take over their house until another band of loonies steals it from them.”
“Um, well, at first we did have a few unwelcome visitors, but then the word got out after a few demonstrations of our firepower that our property is very well guarded,” replied Kevin
“Hell yes, there are countries that aren’t as well armed as us” Danny said talking around his mammoth sandwich, “or nearly as high tech.”
“But it’s all legal, as far as you know,” Maggie interjected, nudging Humberto in the ribs.
“Of course, of course, I was just curious.
Melissa, who’d been staring into space for the last few moments, suddenly gave Humberto a slight push. “Hey, if you could find us, using all those secret government places, could other government types find us as well, such as the guy you were reporting too. Are we in any danger?”
Humberto paused, removed his glasses, pulled a small square cloth from his shirt pocket and carefully cleaned his newly acquired scratch resistant glasses. “Oh yes absolutely. The person, I reported to has a much higher clearance level than I do. He would have a much easier time locating you I did. Perhaps I should have brought that up earlier. I was going to mention it before I left, I swear.”
Maggie, Melissa, Danny, and Kevin started to surround him Humberto, who began cleaning his glasses more furiously. “Er, I would definitely prepare for a possible visit from someone in his group, or consider relocating. However, he would probably find you no matter where you hid. He seems to be rather tenacious, not to mention insane. Not a healthy combination you want in an opponent with nearly unlimited funds and resources.”
Humberto now attempted to crawl over the back of the chair he had been sitting on, he speaking over his shoulder, “I also think there may be a mole in my group. I have taken steps to throw them off the scent for a while, slowing them down a bit if they were going to pay you a visit. Please don’t hurt me; I’m really a good person.”