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THE ALIEN FROM THE Alien movies is on our back patio?” Maggie asked incredulously as she looked into the back yard, as if she would see it relaxing on their chaise lounge, sipping lemonade.
“It’s actually called a Xenomorph. Kevin and I couldn’t decide between that and the Brundlefly from The Fly. It works like a motion detector light, but with a Xenomorph hologram,” explained Danny.”
“How come neither Melissa nor I have seen it? I’m sure she would’ve mentioned it.”
“Anytime you guys are out and about, we turn it off. We didn’t think you would find it as interesting as we do.”
“Actually, it’s brilliant. It probably keeps the coyotes away. However, I don’t think it will keep these guys away for too long, at least not the ones with IQs in the triple digits.”
Humberto had found Melissa in the living room looking at her smartphone, which was linked up to the house’s video system. “Okay, I see movement coming toward us. Kevin, good thing you got around their blocking system. We still have eyes out there. I see one walking directly to the front door. The rest are dressed in tactical gear. This guy coming to the front door is in khakis and a polo shirt. Two on the patio two and... oh fuck, that looks like Suzanne. I thought she was safely locked up. If that’s her, she’s on the southeast side and another is on the northeast. There may be more in that SUV that khaki and polo guy got out of, and there’s still another SUV a couple hundred yards to the west of us. We need someone who can think on their feet and won’t lose their cool. We need a super cool person who can talk in circles and herd polo guy or more of them to one of our modified rooms.”
Ashley, Joshua, Ryan, and Bernard all said, “Cathy and Carl” at the same time. Carl nominated Cathy, and Cathy nominated Carl. Humberto thought he was the super cool one of the group and had started stepping toward the front door when Melissa grabbed him.
“Team leaders need to lead, not participate.”
“Right, of course, I knew that,” Humberto said. “Carl and Cathy both know how to confound, exacerbate, and perform excellent obfuscation. They have gone through extensive government training and have excelled in all areas.”
Humberto, however, had mixed emotions; he wanted to be actively in charge, but in a clean environment, somewhere in a control room, a pleasant, pristine, air-conditioned control room. If he had gone to the front door, he might have had to go outside in the dirt, and where the breeze might have spewed dust all over him. He inwardly shuddered at the memory of exiting the SUV earlier. It was bad enough that the outdoors was now blowing into the house through that hole in the wall where the kitchen used to be. Hey, there was a control room of sorts, the “Q” room, with a control panel and video. He’d be able to see all the action. Perfect.
“I’ll be in the ‘Q’ room, Melissa.”
“Super,” replied Melissa as she waved him away and briefed Carl and Cathy on their quickly improvised game plan.
“Here are your props, give me your shotguns. We will keep you covered. Oh, and wear this over your body armor.”
Carl looked at Cathy with wide eyes. “I think she’s lost her mind, and we have too if we go through with this.” Carl stared down the barrel of his new weapon. How did they get their hands on this stuff so fast? Just what do they do here?
“Stick to the plan, don’t freak out until this is all over. Then we can have a nice freak out session together,” replied Cathy as she peered out the peephole and made the number one sign with her finger back at Melissa.
“Why don’t we have those little Bluetooth earbuds to communicate?”
“Do I have to remind you what department we are in, and what kind of budget we have?”
“Oh yeah, never mind.”
“I asked Melissa, and she said something about their suckiness and risk of the transmission being intercepted. Okay now, calm and pleasant.”
As Rucker approached the front door, he requested a test from IT. “Test, test, is the camera and sound working?”
“Everything is five by five.”
“Christ, a simple ‘yes’ will do.”
Rucker pressed the doorbell and tried put on an innocuous, friendly looking expression. He stood six foot four and weighed in at 240. The 240 pounds were mostly muscle covered by deeply tanned skin, and the clothes he had swapped with IT Cody only accentuated the muscles. He had a short, military style haircut, which did nothing to soften his rectangular shaped face. Rucker had a very Transformer shaped body and an angular shaped head. Given the muscles in his face were sorely out of practice from forming a smile or pleasant look, he ended up looking like he needed to find the nearest bathroom quickly.
He was greeted at the door by a woman dressed in some sort of weird vest and carrying what looked like a laser or squirt gun. She seemed harmless. She had the body of a long-distance runner or something, but she was nothing he couldn’t handle. Next to her was a man, similarly dressed and carrying the same type of weird gun. He looked like he was in his forties and seemed about as dangerous as those IT guys back in the SUV. The guy was skinny, with longish, sandy blonde hair and freckles. Not exactly the type you would avoid walking down the street. More like the type you’d stop and ask for directions if you were lost.
“Hello there. You certainly came fast, we put in the call only a few minutes ago, didn’t we, Carlton?” Cathy chirped into Carl’s ear as she placed her hand on his shoulder. “Is there some mining or fracking going on? You wouldn’t believe what just happened. Our lovely kitchen wall just disintegrated. Some friends and I were playing laser tag and kaboom!” With the kaboom, Cathy spread her arms wide, slightly pushing Rucker to one side of the doorway. “I know you must think we are crazy. Grown-ups playing a child’s game, but occasionally we like to blow off steam, especially in these trying times. Are you a structural engineer or someone from code enforcement? We have quite a bit of damage in here. I hope you brought someone along with you. You will probably need help to assess the damage.”
“Yes,” blurted out Carl, transfixed by the giant in front of him. “Please bring anyone you have with you. We are worried that the dining room and the family room walls may have been affected by whatever damaged the kitchen wall.” Carl linked his arm with Rucker and before Rucker knew what was happening, Carl spun him around toward the front yard and waved at the parked SUV. “Yoo hoo, Mr. Code Enforcement and whoever else you have in there. The more, the merrier. Come on in, we have refreshments.”
“Oh my God, Carl, you are fucking brilliant,” Melissa said to Maggie and Danny as they had regrouped with Humberto in the “Q” room. “Right now there are no bugs in the dining room so let’s keep it that way. Depending on how many exit the SUV in the front, Maggie and I will take care of that group. The rest of you have your people to watch.”
Rucker wasn’t exactly used to thinking on his feet; he was more comfortable getting an assignment, carrying out that mission, and then heading to the nearest bar and forgetting the job he just accomplished. His associates described Rucker as akin to a programmable robot, but not as intelligent or cuddly.
After being swung around by that Carlton guy, Rucker could only stare at what Carlton was wearing. Some sort of weird body armor, with a clear triangle at belly button level and two more clear blobs on his shoulder. His “weapon” was bright blue with a bright orange barrel. Who are these nutcases? Rucker thought to himself.
Carl followed Rucker’s line of sight and said, “Oh right, kinda silly but oh so much fun when you get into the spirit of the thing. We were playing laser tag. You shoot at each other, and if you hit someone, their vest buzzes.”
Rucker thought to himself, I usually know when I hit someone when the screaming starts or when their head explodes.
Joe who had been watching this incredible turn of events from the SUV, hissed to Rucker and Ridgeway, “Okay, change of plans. Once again, I don’t know how this is possible, but they seem to be slightly ahead of us. IT, keep eyes in the house. How are the bugs doing?”
Alex, who, after the last few conversations had gained a little more confidence, lost almost all of it as he scanned the video and saw only a few of the bugs were still mobile. “Not so good, boss, only about ten bugs left and...oops, downs to six, and they seem to be confined to the master bedroom. It looks like they were herded into the walk-in closet. We’ve got nothing now. “
Rucker, who had been listening to this play-by-play, said, “Fuck” out loud, which caused Carl and Cathy to step away from Rucker.
“Umm, fucking awesome gear, it looks like top of the line uh laser stuff,” Rucker mumbled, trying to cover himself.
“Yes, well we are sort of nerdy about the game and thought what the hell, we play it a lot might as well get the good stuff. So do you have any experts with you or is it just you who’ll asses the house for structural damage?” asked Cathy who was trying to peer around Rucker’s bulk at the SUV parked in the driveway.
“Ridgeway, get out there with Rucker. We lost eyes in the house, might as well get both of you in there. We need to do a headcount and make sure those three are in there before we start a mini-Armageddon. All we need is to be at the wrong fucking house.”
Suzanne nearly blew Joe’s ears out when she shrieked, “We are at the right house! I saw those two idiots from Lexi before all the bugs were vaporized!”
Rucker also heard Suzanne’s banshee-like voice-over his earpiece, slapped his hand to his ear, and cursed, “Fucking bitch.” Realizing the two from the house looked at him strangely, he muttered the first thing that came to mind, “Fucking bitch of a day out, isn’t it? Wish I could join you guys in your game. Umm, yes, we’ve been going around the neighborhood” (as if they were in a crowded subdivision instead of out in the middle of nowhere in the desert), “and warning people about the possible seismic activity as there was some blasting in the area that may have caused some aftershocks.” He had just watched a Discovery Chanel program on earthquakes, and he thought he was using the right words, though he wasn’t sure if construction blasting could cause earthquakes. “My partner will fill you in regarding all the details. I’ll have Mr. Ridgeway come out and speak with you.”
Ridgeway had jumped out of the SUV to strangle Rucker, but caught himself in time since Cathy and Carl were within viewing distance. Instead, he gave a little wave and said, “Be with you in a moment, folks” and pulled Rucker around to the opposite side of their SUV. He’d tried to camouflage his BDU to make it less battle dressy, but only managed to pull a crumpled up white polo he found in the bottom of a duty bag over his desert brown shirt.
Compared to Rucker, who looked like an extra from the Expendables , Ridgeway resembled a 1920’s prohibition gangster. He slicked-back his black hair, had compact features, stood only five feet seven and weighed in at 180, which was all muscle. In a fight, Ridgeway became very Weeble like and rarely got knocked down due to his low center of gravity. His sallow complexion never changed, even in the most extreme conditions. However, his most unusual feature was his neck, or lack thereof; people had tried to find it on several occasions, usually for strangling or garroting purposes, but had always been unsuccessful. It clearly was somewhere between his head and shoulders, but he was built like a turtle, and retracted his neck into its shell at all times.
“Hey, where are He-man and the fireplug going?” whispered Carl to Cathy.
“I don’t know but I hope Melissa is at the ready because there’s not a lot of cover out here,” said Cathy, looking at a couple of small yucca and barrel cacti.
“What about that big Apache Plume about 25 feet away? We could start heading that way.”
“You need to know the difference between cover and concealment, Carl. There’s Melissa by the entryway. She’s got us covered.”
“Alright!” shouted the fireplug (causing Carl and Cathy to jump). “Let’s get down to business. I hear you have some structural issues after a bit of a wall collapse in your home. If we may be permitted to enter your lovely home, my partner and I can assess the damage and determine how safe the structure is for habitation.”
“Oh sure, come this way. Come into the house you two,” Cathy said in a loud and clear voice.
“As you can see, straight ahead there should be a wall in front of you,” Carl said as he guided Rucker and Ridgeway toward the kitchen.
They made sympathetic clucking noises as they looked at the hole in the wall. However, they remembered the “thing” they saw on the patio and stood in the area just outside the dining room, not venturing any further in case it decided to reappear.
“So, how many other people are in the house? We need to factor in bodies in the dwelling to determine if they can continue to occupy the space,” Ridgeway said, swiveling his head from side to side to see as much of the house as possible.
“You never did say who you are and if you are somehow connected to the sudden disappearance of the kitchen wall. But let us show you our other concern, the dining room, which seems to have suffered some structural damage. Carl and I work for a statistical consulting firm, which I know you will find fascinating” Cathy said as she guided Rucker and Ridgeway into the dining room.
Maggie, Danny, Kevin, and Humberto had all gone into the “Q” room as the rest of the team hid out of sight. Cathy had slid the dining room pocket doors shut, explaining how they ceased to close properly after the blast. Carl was in full statistical mode, explaining the probabilities of such an explosion happening through nature vs. a man-made activity.
“I think it highly improbable that this was Mother Nature at work. I believe that is why you gentlemen are here. You are here to fix a problem that was caused not necessarily by you but by a corporation, and you are here to help repair this error,” Carl intoned as he guided Rucker and Ridgeway deeper into the room. Carl took a deep breath and continued his monologue. “I started off in a leading-edge market-driven functionalized corporation where my skills in strategic theme areas were highly utilized. I think we need to re-engineer and recapitalize this project before us in such a way that it’s low-risk, yet high yield for both interested parties.” Carl became very cozy with Rucker and Ridgeway during this portion of the speech and huddled them all together. “I feel that this is a time for collaboration and idea sharing.” He then stepped back and waved his arms like a conductor during the last part of his discourse. “I feel we should go forward and rapidioulsily streamline this visionary relationship we have just forged” and then with a flourish he bowed and left the room.
The last thing Ridgeway thought before blackness overtook him was, Why’s the dining room table pushed up against the wall. Is it holding up the wall? Rucker, on the other hand, hadn’t been doing too much thinking and had been sent into a trance-like state due to the monotony of Carl’s words. He was just as incapable of warning his team as his partner was.
“What the fuck is going on in there? Why don't we hear any chatter in there? IT, what’s going on?” Suzanne whispered loudly in Alex’s ear.
“Rucker, Ridgeway, do you copy, over. Rucker, Ridgeway do you copy?” Alex repeatedly asked.
“Geez, she could’ve done that, idiot,” Jeremy said, hitting Alex with a fattish graphic novel. “Is there something the matter with the equipment in there?”
“No, we could hear them fine when they were walking around the house. Then the signal was lost when that guy was yacking on about something. I wasn’t paying attention to where they were. That one guy was droning on and on, then there was silence,” said Alex.
“Joe, I say we are finished with nice and friendly. Allred and Mims you’ll go in next. Allred, you take the kitchen, Mims, you go through the front door. You and I will stay out here and catch anyone that attempts to make a break for it. What do you say?” Suzanne asked Joe.
“I think you are one scary bitch. I mean that as a compliment. Let’s do it. I hope to God, Allred, and Mims, that you two have been paying attention.”
“Yes, sir. I’m already in position in front,” Mims replied.
“Ready to go on your word,” said Allred.
“Go, go,” said Joe
“Fuck me,” said a voice.
“Who was that?” asked Joe.
“Umm, we might have a small problem here,” said Mims.
“Make it several large problems, sir,” said Allred.
“Status, I want status, and I want it now.”
In reply, a shot rang out, followed by confused shouting interspersed with more than a little profanity. This was immediately followed by a loud whoof sound, as if though all the air had been sucked out of a room. Simultaneously the sound of a window exploding was heard on the patio side of the house. Immediately after the sound of breaking glass, a golf cart went airborne high above the house and spun around a few times as if looking for a decent landing spot. The golf cart then exploded into a fireball, scattering itself around the patio’s enclosure and the surrounding desert. A heartrending wail was heard, followed by a thundering of feet, some muffled cries and then, complete silence.