Chapter Five
“Did you want to lay out any clothes for tomorrow?” Clara Rose asked.
They were standing in the Brenneman spare bedroom. Already, it was starting to show signs of change. Signs that a baby was coming. Furniture had been pushed to the side, the closet had been emptied and boxes stacked on chairs. Clara Rose had told her that she was moving the baby into the sewing room downstairs, which was the room next to the master bedroom, and then this room would become the sewing room. To Tess it seemed like an awful lot of shifting, but she was certain it would all be worth it when Clara Rose held her baby in her arms.
“I guess so. I mean, I’m just going back to Clarita.”
“Well, you should always look your best, jah?” Her voice was overbright and Tess noticed her gaze darted around the room, never settling and never meeting her eyes. It seemed as if Clara Rose was hiding something. Or perhaps something was up and she wasn’t ready to tell Tess about it. Or maybe she was just uncomfortable knowing that Tess was leaving Jacob and she wasn’t coming back.
Tess grabbed a dress from her bag and hung it in the near-empty closet. It looked forlorn just hanging there with nothing else around. And it was her favorite dress. A beautiful green like fresh-cut limes. Her mother said the color made her brown eyes take on a golden glow. Tess worried it just made her freckles stand out a little bit more. Still, she loved the dress, which was a little on the fancy side, as she had stitched a row of hearts around the sleeves. She had done the work by hand and had wondered at the time how Verna Yutzy made such tiny stitches when she quilted. She assumed it had a lot to do with age and practice. One day Tess hoped to make those pretty stitches like the eldest member of the quilting circle.
“What about your apron?” Clara Rose asked.
Tess gave a quick shrug. “I guess I’ll just wear this one.” Clara Rose’s eyes widened. “You can’t wear that. It’s got stuff all over it.”
Tess looked down at herself. Somehow in helping Clara Rose with supper, she had managed to pick up a few extra stains. She gave a small shrug. “I’ll spot-wash it tonight.”
“Do you have another?”
“I’m sure it’s fine.”
“We should always look our best.”
“I’m just going home.”
“Jah.”
But something in her tone made Tess wonder if Clara Rose knew something she didn’t.
* * *
Bright morning sun worked its way under the shades covering the windows to shine directly in Tess’s eyes. Perhaps it was God’s way of telling her that it was time to get out of bed. But she hadn’t slept much the night before. She’d tossed and turned to the early hours of the morning, finally drifting off to sleep just before dawn.
She should be content with her decision to go back to Clarita and her family, but all she could think about was Jacob.
They had loved each other, of that much she was certain. So what had happened?
She had done everything in her power to bring that Jacob back. She had tried to get him to go on dates like they had when they were courting. She had connected with their old youth group in Clarita and set up a reunion, but he had refused to attend. She had even asked him to go to marriage enrichment classes, but he had claimed to be too busy at work. She hadn’t brought it up again.
The old Jacob was lost to her.
A light rap sounded on her door. “Tess?”
“Jah?” She pushed herself up in bed. There would be no more sleep for her. Not that she would have been able to stay in bed much longer. The day was wasting. She had to find a driver and get back home.
Clara Rose nudged the door open and eased inside. “Breakfast is ready.”
Tess’s stomach growled in response. She hadn’t eaten much the night before and it was catching up with her. “Danki. I’ll be right down.”
Clara Rose hovered by the door, her expression expectant. “Do you want some help with your hair?”
Tess shook her head. “I can manage.” Just as she had done for years.
“Jah. Okay then. See you downstairs.” Then Clara Rose was gone.
Tess pushed out of bed and padded across the hall to the bathroom. Clara Rose and Obie’s bedroom was downstairs, so she had no fear of running into him while she was still wearing her nightclothes.
Once she had taken care of her morning necessities, she made her way back into the spare room to get dressed.
Half an hour later she made her way into the Brennemans’ kitchen.
Clara Rose seemed almost relieved to see her. “Have a seat and help yourself,” she said. “Everyone else has already eaten.”
“Everyone else?”
Clara Rose turned bright pink. “I mean Obie. Do you want an egg?”
Tess shook her head and slid into one of the chairs there at the kitchen table. Her appetite was suddenly gone, but she knew she should eat. She had a big day ahead of her and she didn’t need a headache from lack of food.
She buttered a biscuit and added a piece of sausage to make a small breakfast sandwich. With any luck she would be able to eat it all. That would at least get her home.
“I’ve got coffee brewed if you want some.” Clara Rose lifted the pot.
Tess shook her head. “But danki.”
“Well, it’s here if you change your mind.” She set the pot back on the burner, then wiped her hand on a dish towel. “I guess I’ll go hang the laundry out.”
She bustled out of the room, leaving Tess to wonder what her hurry was. It was barely eight o’clock, and she had already made breakfast and run a load of clothes through the washer.
“Hello, Tess.”
She whirled around in her seat. Jacob stood in the doorway.
She wasn’t sure but she thought he might be more handsome today than he was yesterday. She hardened her heart against him. She couldn’t let him get the better of her today. She had made up her mind. And she was sticking to her plan.
“Go home, Jacob.”
“I will. Once you say you’re going home with me.”
She searched his tone for any signs of sincerity, but could find none. He merely wanted her to come back home. “I’m going back to Clarita,” she said and turned back to face the front. She managed to take another bite of her biscuit sandwich, though it had lost all its flavor.
He nodded. “That’s what Obie said. But it’s time to come back home.”
“No.” Not until he realized that their marriage was in trouble, that they needed to work on it. That he needed to get rid of his phone and pay more attention to what really mattered.
He shifted in place, then exhaled. She could almost feel his frustration.
Well, fine. She was frustrated too.
“Tess, now is not the time to be difficult.”
“Difficult? You think I’m being difficult?” How blind could one man be? “You said you were selling my goats.”
“Jah.” He nodded as if everything was normal. “They are more trouble than they’re worth.”
“But they are mine.”
“You don’t need them.”
She wanted to yell her frustration to the ceiling, but she had been raised better than that. “I use their milk for cheese and soap. For lotion and all sorts of things.”
“I’m well aware of all your hobbies.”
“Hobbies?” She could hardly believe her ears. Did he not know how hard she worked with the goats and making the products? And she still managed to quilt for the needy, have supper on the table each night, and her house ran like a clock. There were no hobbies to be found. “I’m saving that money to help with the house fund.”
He crossed his arms. “I believe you’ve mentioned that before.”
“I’m surprised you remember.” She felt out of control, as if someone else had taken charge of her mind, thoughts, and body, leaving her a spectator to her own actions. She crossed her arms and pressed her lips together. She was angry, unhappy, unsatisfied with the way things had turned out, and she wasn’t backing down. She had come this far.
“Get your things and tell Clara Rose good-bye.”
“No.” Her chin rose to a stubborn angle. “If you are selling my goats, I am going back to Clarita.”
Something unidentifiable flashed through his eyes like the flames of an out-of-control bonfire. But as quickly as it came, it disappeared again. A muscle in his jaw twitched, but otherwise he made no other move. Then finally, finally he gave a stern nod. “If that is how it’s going to be.”
Somehow she managed to raise her chin another notch higher and still maintained eye contact. “It is.”
“So be it.”
His footsteps boomed like the reverberating sound of a gong. One, two, three, and he was gone.
Tess sank back into the chair behind her and kept her chin up and her tears at bay until she heard his tractor start. It seemed to take forever before she heard the sound. He was leaving. Her heart tripped over itself in her chest. Leaving.
She didn’t care, she told herself. But she felt as if with the slightest touch she would break into a million pieces that could never be put back together again. How had it come to this? Where had the love gone? The dedication? The promises and vows to work together through any problems that could arise?
“Tess?”
She nodded at the sound of Clara Rose’s concerned voice.
“I guess that didn’t go as planned.”
Tess burst into tears.
* * *
What happened to the sweet, mild-mannered Amish woman he had married?
Jacob wiped the sweat from his brow and adjusted his hat a little lower on his forehead. He knew he was scowling, and there was nothing he could do about it. Seemed like he spent most of his time these days frowning about one thing or another. And the last thing he needed was Tess losing her good sense over a bunch of mangy goats.
Okay, so they weren’t actually mangy, but he hated the creatures. They bleated all day long on the weekends and got out during the week, most always when she was off doing something with her friends.
At least she had the time to make friends. He had barely gotten to know anyone in the church district, having only the hour or so after church every other week to cultivate those relationships.
“Jacob?” Obie Brenneman came out of the barn, a concerned frown on his face. At least his wasn’t angry.
“I’m sorry, Obie.” He wished he could say more, but the words seemed blocked behind the lump in his throat.
“There’s no need for you to apologize.”
Jacob stopped halfway to his tractor and allowed Obie to come up next to him. “I don’t know what to say. She’s not coming home.” He shook his head. “She says she’s going back to Clarita.”
Obie shook his head. “Clara Rose and I have already talked about that. We’re going to do everything in our power to keep her here until whatever this is blows over.”
“Danki.” It was all Jacob could manage in response. He didn’t know what bee had gotten into Tess’s bonnet. Though she had been acting strange lately, not at all like herself.
He appreciated Obie’s help, but how would they know if things were back to normal if they didn’t know what was bothering her? He surely wasn’t going to ask.
“I don’t want her to be a bother to you.” He and Tess had been married for going on three years, but Obie and Clara Rose had been married less than a year. And most of that had been spent getting their house ready and living with his father and brothers. He knew they needed their alone, married time and hated that something in his life was taking that away from them.
“She’s no bother. In fact, I think having Tess around might be good for Clara Rose. She’s used to a gaggle of females surrounding her, and she doesn’t get that much here on the farm.”
Jacob gazed out over the open land that constituted the Brenneman farm and had to tamp back his jealousy. One day . . . one day he would be able to quit work at the roofing company and farm for a living. He wanted to take seeds and dirt and with the good Lord’s help turn it into something more—tomatoes, wheat, soybeans. A living for him and Tess. But there never seemed to be enough money, or the property wasn’t available. He spent every spare moment he had scouring the county for property to farm. He wanted a goodly piece of land but was afraid that he might have to settle for something much smaller. A compromise he wasn’t willing to make just yet.
“Why don’t you come by for supper tonight?” Obie asked.
Jacob shook his head. “She’s not really talking to me much right now.” And he had no idea what to do about it. The elders would only let this go on for so long before they put a stop to it.
“She surely can’t talk to you if you’re not here.”
“Jah, I guess that’s true.”
“I know it is.”
Jacob nodded. “I will come, but only if I can bring food.”
“That sounds like a fine idea.” Obie smiled.
“Kauffman’s fried chicken okay?”
“I do believe you just read my mind.”
* * *
“Don’t you think I should go out and call the driver now?” It was well past midday and Tess was beginning to think that Clara Rose didn’t want her to leave.
“You can call him anytime.” Clara Rose waved a dismissive hand.
“Jah, but I don’t think anyone is going to want to drive me to Clarita and then turn around and drive back here in the dark.”
“Ach, it doesn’t get dark until way after nine. And I really need help getting these cucumbers in.” She straightened and stretched her back a little. Tess was sure it was full of kinks from bending over to search the prickly plants for cucumbers.
“If you’re sure.”
“I’m su—would you look at this one!” Clara Rose held up the biggest cucumber Tess had ever seen. “I’d better hide this or the men will think they can use it instead of a bat in their baseball games.”
Tess smiled at the exaggeration, realizing that it might actually be the first time she had smiled in days, maybe even weeks. “It’s a big one all right. But it probably won’t be fittin’ to eat.”
“I know,” Clara Rose exclaimed. “Let’s make pickle relish. I’ve got Mammi’s recipe. So good.”
Tess eyed the cucumber. “You’re going to need more than one.”
“I’m sure there’s another one in this mess.” She motioned toward the overgrown cucumber plants.
Just then Tess found another huge cucumber. Her mother had always told her that very large cucumbers tended to be bitter and full of seeds, but they would be perfect for pickle relish, and Jacob lov—
She reined in her thoughts. Jacob had come by and they had solved not even one of their problems. She wasn’t making pickle relish for him no matter how much he loved it.
“Say you’ll stay tomorrow and help me make relish.”
“I don’t know . . .” Tess started.
“Please.” Clara Rose did a little dance in place.
How could she say no? “Jah, okay.”
“Goodie!” Clara Rose gave her a quick hug. “And you can have some to take home for you and Jacob.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think we have a home.”
Clara Rose’s demeanor immediately sobered. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.” She wanted to ask how much of their earlier conversation her friend had overheard, but she couldn’t bring herself to rehash it all. Conversation . . . who was she trying to fool? It was an argument, plain and simple. Every time they tried to talk these days, they ended up arguing. She wasn’t sure how other couples managed to keep their relations together. What had shifted between her and Jacob? Clara Rose and Obie didn’t fight all the time. At least they hadn’t argued even once since she had been there.
“You and Jacob will work this out.” Clara Rose sounded much more confident than Tess felt. Her relationship with Jacob was like trying to hold on to a greased eel. It was slipping through her fingers no matter how hard she tried to keep ahold of it.
But what have you really tried?
She pushed the nagging thought away. She wasn’t to blame if Jacob was being completely unreasonable. They had loved each other once upon a time, but she had no idea how to get it back.
* * *
“Are you sure this is going to work?” Jacob shifted as Obie adjusted his suspender straps.
“No.” Obie laughed. “I barely got Clara Rose to consider me. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Neither did Jacob, but at least Obie had plans that seemed like they might help. Straight down to instructing Jacob to bring flowers as well as supper.
He did as he was told, stopping by the small florist there on Main Street before hitting Kauffman’s. He had missed New Food Tuesday, the day Cora Ann Kauffman got to experiment with recipes and different foods, but that was okay. He was after fried chicken. Tess loved fried chicken. At least he thought she did. Hadn’t she told him that when they were dating? He couldn’t remember. Too much had happened between then and now. A lot of living went into three or so years.
Obie’s puppies whined from the corner of one horse stall, but they were tiny things. They didn’t even have their eyes open yet. A few of the bigger pups had been romping around in the hay when he had arrived, but they stood now, waiting for the chance to jump if he happened to drop any of the food. He had to admit the chicken smelled delicious.
“Do you think she’ll like the flowers?” Jacob asked. He hated spending money on such frivolous things. He was doing his best to scrape up enough money to buy them a farm of their own. Flowers seemed like an unnecessary expense, but Obie said that was what he needed to do, so that was what he did.
“I think she’ll love the flowers.” He dusted imaginary specks from Jacob’s shoulders. “Are you ready to go in?”
Jacob took a deep breath. Was he? “Jah.” He had to be if he was going to fix the problems in his marriage. How had it come to this?
“Let’s go.”
Together he and Obie walked toward the house, the older puppies trotting alongside. His heart pounded in his chest and his palms began to sweat. He hadn’t been this nervous since he had first asked Tess if he could take her home from a singing.
Up the porch steps and into the house, his mouth was dry, his knees quaking.
“What are you doing here?”
He nearly dropped the sack containing their supper as Tess spied him from the other side of the dining room. She marched toward him, her jaw tight and shoulders stiff.
Obie nudged him in the side. “Flowers,” he whispered.
“I, uh . . . I brought you flowers?” Now, why did he make it sound like a question? He took a step forward, extending the blossoms toward her. They quaked with the trembling of his hand.
She eyed them as if they were a snake about to strike. Where was the trust? Where was the love? This was his wife, the one person in the world he thought he would be beside forever, and now he was having to court her all over again. The thought left a bad taste in his mouth.
Finally, she reached out and took them, raising them to her nose to see what scent they carried. “Danki.”
Did they smell good? He didn’t know. He hadn’t thought about that when he bought them. He hadn’t thought about anything. Did she like daisies? Why didn’t he know? And why hadn’t he noticed they were such bright colors? Were they even real colors? Or had they been altered by a clever florist?
Obie nudged him again.
“Oh, and supper. I brought us supper.”
Tess lowered the flowers and gave him one last look, then she turned back to Clara Rose. “When you said you were having a guest . . .”
Clara Rose gave a delicate shrug. “How are the two of you going to work through your problems if you’re not even together?”
Tess seemed to think about it a moment. “I’m calling the driver in the morning.”
So she was still planning on going back to Clarita.
“You don’t have to.”
Obie stood stock-still as Clara Rose bustled toward Tess.
“I could really use your help again tomorrow,” Clara Rose said. “There are a few more cucumbers to pickle, and the tomatoes need to be gathered and canned before they blister out there in this heat.”
Was Clara Rose dreaming up ways to keep Tess from leaving? Why hadn’t he thought of any of these things? He had been too busy working. Too busy earning a living. He didn’t have time to hold Tess’s hand every day—literally or figuratively. They had plans to see through. Couldn’t she see that?
“I should get home,” Tess protested.
She said the words and he started forward. Her home was with him. What there was of it for now. But soon . . .
Obie reached out with one hand and stopped Jacob in place. This was not turning out the way he had planned. At all.
“Let’s be reasonable here. Jacob has brought us a fine meal from town and we planned to sit down and eat it together. I can’t think of a valid reason why we shouldn’t follow through. Am I right? Then we can let tomorrow take care of itself.”
For a moment he thought Tess might protest, then she gave a stiff nod. “Jah, okay then.” But Jacob had the feeling she would rather sit down with a table full of lions than dine with him. Why? Hadn’t they eaten supper together just a few nights ago? Maybe not. How long had it been since he had eaten a meal with his wife?
In the mornings he grabbed a quick bite that he could eat on his tractor while he drove to the meeting place. Lunch was eaten at work, and at church he ate with the men. Still, there were plenty of times when he ate supper with Tess. But right now he couldn’t think of one.
Clara Rose smiled encouragingly and waved him on into the room. It was then he realized that he was standing as still as the statue in front of the Wells Landing library. His legs were stiff and his knees threatened to buckle with each step he took. But somehow he managed to make it to the table and deposit the bag there.
This was worse than courting. He had messed up with Tess, and he didn’t have a clue as to what he had done. Maybe her goats. But she had to see his reasoning eventually. They spent almost as much in food and lost wages as they made with her goat’s milk products. It was ridiculous to have them at all. And when they were gone, that was just one less stress for her to worry over.
“Tess, you sit here.” Clara Rose directed his wife to the place just opposite him. He could reach across the table and touch her hand. Why did that seem so intimate? He had sat across from her countless times. He knew it. But for some unknown reason he couldn’t remember the last time. Maybe that was why it felt familiar and brand-new all at the same time.
Clara Rose started unloading the sack and organizing the containers as Obie took his seat. Jacob tried not to stare as he watched Tess snap her napkin and place it in her lap. Really, she was the prettiest thing he had ever seen, dark brown hair and big brown eyes. She had on her green dress. He couldn’t say it was a favorite of his, but it made her freckles stand out all the more, and for some reason he found it utterly appealing.
“What?” She lifted her napkin and dabbed at her chin.
He had been staring. “Nothing.” He ducked his head and Clara Rose took her seat.
They bowed their heads for prayer.
He should have told her that she looked pretty. That he had forgotten just how pretty she was. But the moment was gone. If he said it now, then it would just be awkward. More awkward than it already was.
They raised their heads and Obie started passing around the food. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans with enough biscuits on the side for them each to have a couple.
“So, Jacob,” Clara Rose started, “did you see Obie’s new puppies in the barn?”
How could he not? “Of course.” But he hadn’t really been thinking about puppies. He had been trying to figure out how he was going to get through tonight and reach wherever it was that his wife had gone off to.
But now he was thinking about Obie and the opportunities he had made for himself. Raising puppies. But that wasn’t all that he did. Like many other Amish men Obie had spread his talents about, creating a string of cottage industries in order to make ends meet. It was admirable, to say the least. Maybe when they got their property and he started to farm he could do something similar, maybe breed cats or something.
Or goats.
The thought came to him in a flash, but he pushed it away as soon as it arrived. Goats were not the answer.
“How are things in the roofing business?” Obie asked.
How were things? “Busy.” Oklahoma had suffered a rougher than usual spring. Strong winds, tornadoes, and various hailstorms had made for a heavier workload than normal. He had barely been able to keep up. The company was more concerned with getting the job done than the actual job itself. They produced quality work, but to Jacob it always felt rushed. What he wouldn’t give to be able to walk out and never look back. He didn’t mind the work. It was working for someone else and on someone else’s terms that didn’t set well with him.
“Busy is good, jah?” Obie asked.
Jacob glanced up and caught Tess’s gaze. She looked so sad that for a moment he wasn’t sure he could answer at all. He swallowed his bite of chicken and the lump in his throat. “Jah.”
* * *
Tess couldn’t tear her gaze from Jacob’s. His eyes were filled with such sadness. How had so much sorrow gotten there and what had she been doing as it happened?
Finally, Jacob looked away and Tess dropped her gaze to her plate. The look on his face was enough to make her stomach hurt. It surely wasn’t the food. Kauffman’s was always a fantastic meal. But tonight . . .
The conversation turned away from work and onto other topics: who they suspected was getting married in the fall, the latest baseball game after church, and what store might go in the empty space next to the post office.
They finished up supper and played a couple of hands of Uno, but Tess had trouble concentrating. All she could think about was Jacob.
“I win!” Obie threw his last card on top of the discard pile and sat back with a satisfied smile.
Jacob tossed his cards into the middle. “That’s it. Time for me to go home.”
“So soon?” Clara Rose asked.
It was almost nine and it was nearly dark. It would definitely be safer if he headed out now.
“Walk with me to my tractor?” Jacob stood and waited expectantly for her answer.
“Jah.”
Clara Rose and Obie shared a look as Tess rose from her chair. She got the feeling this was what the two of them had been waiting for all night.
Crickets chirped and night birds called as they stepped out onto the porch. The dusk held an expectant air and the wind was still, as if the world was holding its breath in anticipation.
“I had a good time tonight.” Jacob loped down the steps ahead of her, then extended his arm to steady her for her descent. It was such a gallant gesture it almost brought tears to her eyes. Why hadn’t she realized it before? They had lost sight of each other. Maybe it wasn’t as tragic as she had first thought. Maybe they could recover some of what they had lost.
She still wanted—no, needed—for things to be different, but this was definitely a step in the right direction. Tonight gave her hope.
They walked together toward his tractor and she noticed the closer they got, the slower their footsteps became. Was he thinking the same thing she was? That the night was special and she never wanted it to end?
But it had to end, and that frightened her for tomorrow. What if tonight was just a unique time and tomorrow everything went back to the way it was before? What then?
“What are you thinking?”
Jacob’s words startled her out of her thoughts. She couldn’t tell him what was really on her mind. “Nothing.”
He nodded, but she knew he didn’t believe her. At least he didn’t press. He stopped at the tractor and turned to face her. She dropped her hand from his arm and sucked in a breath as she waited for him to say something, anything.
“Well, good night, then.”
That was all? Maybe she was mistaken. Maybe nothing between them had changed. Why oh why had she thought otherwise? Because she had seen the look in his eyes. She knew that tonight was special. But maybe it was better to leave it alone. Especially if everything was going back to normal tomorrow.
“Good night.” She couldn’t keep the dejected tone from her words.
He stared at her and she was certain the world stopped turning. She stared back, waiting, watching.
Jacob raised one hand to the side of her face. The fingers were rough and familiar against her skin. He raised the other hand and cupped her cheeks in his palms. The night hung, suspended in that one moment. It seemed as if the entire evening had been leading up to this moment.
Tess closed her eyes, exhaled, and then his lips touched hers.
It was the sweetest kiss, like sweet strawberries in May, the touch of butterfly wings, and all good things rolled up into one.
Jacob’s lips on hers brought back memory after memory. Their first kiss, their wedding day, the very moment when she knew he was the one. What happened to those feelings? What happened to them?
He lifted his head and she was certain for a moment she felt the night wrap comforting arms around her.
“You don’t have to stay here tonight.” Jacob’s words were no more than a whisper. And she wasn’t certain if he had actually said them or if it was another part of her past memories.
She opened her eyes. He watched her, his expression intense.
“What?”
“You’ve proven your point.”
Tess shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
Jacob flashed her a grim smile. “Amish women are getting more and more independent. We all know that. So you’ve proven your point. But that doesn’t mean you have to stay here. You can come back home.”
She felt as if she had been doused with a bucket of ice water. The beauty of the night disappeared with his words. “What?” she asked just to be sure. She wanted to be wrong. She wanted to not have heard him correctly. But somehow she knew that she was wrong.
“You’ve made your point. Now come home.”
That was what she was afraid he had said. With a sad sigh, she took a step back. His arms dropped to his sides.
“What?” he asked.
“You just don’t get it.” She managed to make the words soft-spoken instead of the roar of frustration she felt bubbling inside her. Tonight had been so perfect. Well, almost. “This isn’t about making a play for independence. This is about me and you and our marriage.” She wanted to cry as she said the words, but she managed to keep her tears at bay. “I thought it meant more to you than this. I guess I was wrong.” She turned on her heel and started back to the house.
“But—”
She faltered a bit as he said the words, but she managed to keep walking without looking back.
“Tess,” he started, but she wouldn’t allow herself to turn around. This was too important. Too much was at stake. If she wanted a marriage like her friends had, she had to keep to her plan.
But she was never going to have that. Not with Jacob. Not with anyone, because Amish marriage was forever.
Jacob working all the time, him selling her goats, that was all she was ever going to have in life, and it wasn’t enough. No matter how much she loved him, she wanted more.
The tears started as he said her name again, but she didn’t turn around as she made her way up the porch steps and into the house.
* * *
“That was some kiss.”
Tess nearly jumped out of her skin as she entered the house. The living room seemed dark and quiet. Almost as dark as her thoughts, but not even close to the turmoil in her mind.
“Sorry.” Clara Rose stepped from the shadows.
“It’s okay.” Tess wiped the tears from her cheeks as discreetly as possible, but Clara Rose was too observant not to notice.
“After a kiss like that, why are you crying?”
The dam broke, and Tess was left without words. Her tears flowed, but she couldn’t tell her best friend what the problem was, not when her friend had everything that Tess herself wanted.
She sank down on the couch, savoring the warmth as Clara Rose eased down next to her and pulled her close.
Tess allowed her tears free rein, for a few minutes then caught herself. “Where’s Obie?”
Clara Rose rolled her eyes affectionately. “He’s in the barn with his puppies.” Which meant he wouldn’t come in on them. Still, Tess was tired of her shame being out there for the entire world to see.
She wiped her tears away and stood. “I’m going to bed.”
Clara Rose was on her feet in an instant. “Are you sure? We can talk about this—”
Tess shook her head. “No, danki. Good night.”
She could sense that Clara Rose wanted to protest, but her friend remained silent as Tess climbed the stairs to the bedroom where she had been sleeping. She needed to leave. Tomorrow. It was better that way.
She undressed and crawled beneath the covers, forgoing washing her face and brushing her teeth for the comfort of the bed.
Just before she had gotten married, her mother had given her all sorts of advice, but nothing came close to this. Her mother had never said this might not turn out the way she hoped, the way she planned and dreamed.
Her parents’ marriage was good enough, she supposed. Her mother seemed to not want for anything. Not that Tess had noticed anyway. At the time, everything had seemed the way it should be.
Just as it had when Tess and Jacob were courting. Everything had seemed fine, perfect even. But now . . .
When had the change come into their relationship?
Just after they were married.
And it had only increased when they moved to Wells Landing.
It was time to go home.