Chapter Eleven

“Right. So this is what we do.” Jodie closed the box file of papers and rested her hands on top of it. “You call the bank, get an appointment, then you go in and tell them you want to defer the mortgage on the center for a couple of months. I’ll sort the application for the grant with the mayor’s office and also pursue the Johnson Farm’s interest in sponsoring kit and a small monthly donation. That should keep us afloat through to July.” She looked at him firmly. “You also need to look at other incomes and raising your fees.” CJ went to protest, but she quickly cut him down. “I know, but you have to. Besides, the parents will understand. If they expect to use the place as a babysitting service then they need to pay.”

CJ sat back on the couch and stared at his sister. He knew she was right. Everything she’d said for the last three hours had been right. “Fine. I’ll send a letter home with the kids this week.”

“Good. I’ll draft something up for you,” she said and got to her feet. She pulled the dining chair back through the open plan room and tucked it neatly in its space at the table. “Now, I have to go. Rob’s treating me to Chinese.”

“Sounds nice,” he said. There had been too many distractions at the center, so they had moved the discussion back to his. They had sat surrounded by paper all afternoon, and he felt stiff from leaning over the table.

Jodie smiled and picked up her handbag. “And what about you? Any plans?”

Plans? That would involve him having a life, wouldn’t it?

“No plans. Going to call Mikey and check everything was okay today, but otherwise, I have a date with the microwave and a movie.”

“I heard he got the job.”

CJ had tried to ignore that particular piece of news all day. “Yeah. Their first choice declined the offer so they called him this morning. Kind of sucks, but I’m pleased for him.”

“When does he leave?”

“Three weeks.” Losing Mikey was a blow, but the guy deserved the job. He deserved to be paid more than minimum wage.

Jodie gave a slow nod. “He’ll be missed and I think you’ll feel it. Do you have a plan?”

There was need for another plan? “Dex was looking for more hours. I figured he could shadow Mikey for the next three weeks for anything he’s unsure about.”

“Makes sense,” Jodie agreed. She glanced over her shoulder as there was a knock at the door. “Expecting company?” She grinned teasingly.

“More likely someone selling something.” He sighed and got off the couch. He stretched his arms out above his head and walked around the table, pulling his sister in for a hug.

“It’ll be okay,” she said reassuringly and kissed his cheek. “Are you working tomorrow?”

“In the evening at the center. But I’m picking up some shifts at the store later in the week.” There was a second knock at the door. “I should probably get that,” he said and grunted as Jodie squeezed him tight.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t forget to phone the bank.”

Like he dare forget. “Sure.”

She released him and together they walked to the front door. “Things are looking up. I promise.” She grabbed her denim jacket from behind the door.

He hoped so. “It’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”

Jodie nodded and opened the door. “Eric?” she said.

“What?” CJ said without thinking. What the hell was he doing here? Hadn’t they said everything they needed to over breakfast? He peered over his sister’s shoulder and sure enough there he was, Eric Fox standing on his porch for the second evening in a row.

“Hey,” Eric said sheepishly, avoiding making eye contact with Jodie as he inspected his feet.

Jodie glanced over her shoulder, pursing her lips as she looked at her brother then back at Eric. “Well, I was just leaving. Eric,” she said and nodded toward him as she pulled her bag close to her chest and maneuvered around the man in the doorway.

There was an uncomfortable silence as they watched Jodie walk down the drive and to her car parked out on the road.

“What do you want?” CJ finally asked as Jodie drove away.

Eric shifted his weight between his feet and cleared his throat. “Can I come in?”

CJ hesitated. It could not be like last night. They couldn’t go there, not again. “Whatever,” he said and left the decision up to Eric. Sighing, he dropped down on the couch and waited for Eric to join him.

“Everything okay?” Eric asked as he sat.

CJ simply nodded.

“Good.” Eric bounced his leg up and down nervously.

“Stop that,” CJ said, and held his hand out above Eric’s knee. His dad had the same habit and it used to drive CJ insane.

“Sorry.” Eric rested his hands in his lap as he turned to face CJ. “I’m heading back to LA at the end of the week and I hoped we could talk before I go.”

Had it been over a week already? He considered Eric’s request. The man would be gone in a few days and this might be his only real opportunity to talk to Eric. Maybe it would do them both some good.

“Okay,” he agreed. What the hell, right? He met Eric’s eyes and gave him a friendly smile. “What would you like to talk about?”

* * * *

That was easy.

Eric had made it into the house, to the couch, and CJ had agreed to talk. The last hour he had spent building himself for an argument and the need to convince CJ to talk fizzled away and he was left at a loss where to start.

“You do know I never blamed you, right?” CJ started. “No matter what you think you did. None of it was your fault.” He looked firmly at Eric. “Hey, it’s not your fault. The accident was just that, an accident.”

Slowly, Eric nodded. “I guess.”

“No I guesses or maybes. You’re not to blame and I’m sorry if anyone ever made you think you were.”

Eric rubbed his thumb beneath his eye. “I’m the one who should be sorry.” He was surprised as CJ caught his wrist and pulled his hand away from his face. There was a look in CJ’s eyes, warmth, concern, but no blame, no hate.

“Please, Eric. You have to stop doing this to yourself. The drinking, the one night stands and all that other stuff. It’s not good for you.” So CJ had heard about all that. CJ released Eric’s hand and shyly lowered his head. “If you came here for forgiveness, then you have it. You had it a long time ago.” He sighed. “But I think, what you really need to do is forgive yourself.”

Forgive myself. What if he couldn’t do that?

“Eric?”

“I don’t think I can.”

CJ sighed as he moved closer and reached up to cup Eric’s face. “Eric Fox, you are…” He sighed and gently rubbed his thumbs across Eric’s cheekbones. “You’re worth a hell of a lot more than you think you are.”

Eric closed his eyes. How could CJ look at him, or touch him? “I am so sorry for leaving you.” He opened his eyes. “You have no idea.”

“Actually, I do. Do you know how long it took me to get over you? I believed it was my fault. I thought you’d left because of something I’d said or done.” He lowered his head, his forehead close to Eric’s chin. “I figured it was just one more thing I’d forgotten about that night.”

“I’m sorry,” was all Eric could say. What else was there? He’d say it as many times as CJ wanted him to. He was sorry.

CJ lifted his head. There was a clear conflict raging inside him, equaled only by Eric’s own mixed emotions. There was more to say and Eric needed to get the words out before he lost the chance, possibly forever.

“I love you,” he said. Those words had eaten away at him for what felt like a lifetime.

CJ didn’t say anything. No declaration of love or hint that he reciprocated Eric’s feelings. He looked at Eric and his eyes softened.

“I wish things were different,” he finally confessed. “I really do. But you have to let me go. You have to move on and start living your life again.”

“What if I can’t?” Did he mean it? Did he want Eric to forget about him?

“You need to find a way. You have a life and career in LA. Don’t throw it away.” CJ moved closer and pressed his leg warmly against Eric’s. “It’ll be okay. You have Marcus, your folks. You have people who care about you.”

What if he wanted more, though? What if he wanted CJ?

“Eric.” CJ smiled and leaned in to kiss Eric. CJ’s mouth was warm and soft and Eric wanted to absorb and remember every moment. “You’re going to be fine,” CJ whispered as he pulled back.

Eric reached out and caught CJ’s hands. He wished he could believe CJ or had a crystal ball. But there was so much crap going on inside his head.

“In the end,” CJ said, “things work themselves out. You just have to give them time.” He tilted his head as he looked at Eric. There was such compassion in his eyes and Eric didn’t think anyone had ever looked at him like that before. CJ had always understood him and had made everything else fade away as if the two of them together was the most important thing in the world.

He loved CJ so much it hurt. Daringly, he moved in for another kiss, relieved as CJ didn’t back away. Tightening his hold on CJ’s wrists, he pulled the man close, teasing him with breathy, open-mouthed kisses until he was sure it was what CJ wanted. As CJ started kissing him back, he moved forward, leaning over CJ and laying him back against the cushions. The man was warm and solid and the feel of him beneath Eric comforted him like no other. The moment passed in a whirlwind of kisses and heated touches. He ran his hands beneath CJ’s clothing, surprised at the feel of CJ’s skin as he moved his hands up and over the man’s stomach and chest.

“Stop,” CJ said and pushed against Eric’s hold on him. The look in his eyes was hard for Eric to read, but it was something like fear.

“What’s wrong?”

CJ pulled his hand free and tugged at the bottom of his T-shirt. Lying back against the cushions, he closed his eyes and took some deep breaths before opening them again. “We shouldn’t,” he said and tried to sit up.

“Hey,” Eric said, stopping him and pinning CJ’s legs with his own. “What happened? Did I do something wrong?”

Shaking his head, CJ smoothed his hand over his T-shirt. “Not everything is about you.” There was a glimmer of anger in his eyes. Leaning his head back, he stared up at the ceiling.

They had been so damn close. “Don’t do that,” Eric said.

CJ sighed. “Sorry,” he said and shifted slightly beneath Eric, his thigh pressing up into the space between Eric’s legs. “It’s not your fault.”

Eric swallowed awkwardly as he let his gaze drift downward to CJ’s stomach. “Can I see?” After the accident, he hadn’t stuck around long enough to understand exactly what CJ had gone through. He knew it was pretty bad, and the feel of CJ’s dimpled skin had him curious but also scared.

There was uncertainty in CJ’s eyes, but eventually, he released the material of his T-shirt and rested his hand on the couch. With a pained expression, he looked up at Eric and nodded. “Okay.”

Tentatively, Eric pulled back the material of CJ’s T-shirt. Gently, he skimmed the clothing upward and over CJ’s body, until the scars from the fire were visible. He had half expected angry, loud marks spattered in red, but what he found were oddly beautiful. The fire had etched a path across CJ’s skin, and the remaining scars spread out like the branches of a great tree across the right side of his body.

“Can I?” Eric asked as he held his fingers above the uneven pattern. CJ didn’t respond and Eric carefully ran his fingers over the smooth skin of the scar. Again CJ made no attempt to stop him, so Eric continued his route across CJ’s skin. “Does it hurt?”

“Not as much as it used to,” CJ said and gave a small smile.

“Can you feel this?” he wondered as he tiptoed his fingers in circles across the scar.

“Mmm,” CJ said.

Eric smiled. “And this?” he said then kissed CJ’s chest.

“A little.”

Kissing a path upward, Eric nuzzled the side of CJ’s neck, before focusing a series of kisses to CJ’s mouth. “You’re still perfect,” he whispered between the kisses, and he knew he would never think anything different about the man.

CJ arched his neck, angling his face to allow Eric easier access to his mouth. The kiss changed from gentle and steady to something hungry and passionate.

Eric held CJ’s face, kissing him open-mouthed in a desperate need to claim the man for his own. He wanted to touch and hold and never let CJ go. With CJ, everything else faded away and all he cared about was the man he loved.

* * * *

This was good. This was okay. CJ cupped Eric’s face with his hands and pulled him down into the kiss. He loved kissing and the fact that it was Eric he was kissing had his stomach flipping like he was seventeen again. Just this once, after all the crappy non-starting dates with Jodie’s Mr Nices, he wanted to feel and see something other than the pity and discomfort in their eyes when they saw him—saw the scars. Eric hadn’t seemed fazed by them at all and despite the initial interest, not a moment more than needed was spent on them.

“Eric,” he said, breaking the kiss. He gazed up at Eric through his lashes, his eyes trailing over the gentle curve of Eric’s lips. Time to decide. He looked into Eric’s eyes. They looked lighter, peaceful almost, and CJ couldn’t help but smile.

Leaning upward, he kissed Eric and said, “Bedroom.” It was an instruction, not a request and he sat up as Eric moved back, freeing his legs. Apprehension radiated off Eric. “It’s fine,” CJ assured him and took Eric’s hand as he got to his feet.

Eric nodded and allowed CJ to guide him toward the stairs and up to his bedroom.

His bedroom suddenly felt very small. He’d never gotten round to redecorating and moving into what had been his parents’ bedroom, and he just stayed in the room he had grown up in. Sitting on the end of the bed, CJ pulled Eric toward him, resting his hands on Eric’s waist as he looked up at him. He considered saying something, some words of comfort or reassurance. But it didn’t feel right. Looping his fingers in the waistband of Eric’s jeans, he pulled him close to stand between his legs. Slowly, he lifted the material of Eric’s shirt and slid his hands over the warm skin of Eric’s firm stomach. Eric’s body was flawless, if not a little on the skinny side and CJ enjoyed a few moments feeling out the gentle dips and rises of the man’s sculpted torso.

“CJ—”

CJ shushed him and pressed a finger to his lips. He didn’t want to talk or think. He just wanted to enjoy the moment they were about to share. In silence, he continued his appreciation and worked his fingers gradually downward to Eric’s fly. Without hesitation, he pulled down Eric’s zipper and nudged the man’s jeans and underwear down from his hips. Eric’s erection sprang free from the restricting material, and all CJ could think was how he’d love to wrap his mouth around Eric’s engorged dick. Patiently, he waited, letting Eric step out of his clothes before getting to his feet. He pulled Eric close and kissed him, distracting him as he unbuttoned Eric’s shirt, ridding him of the last of his clothes. Turning them around, he then pushed lightly at Eric’s chest, encouraging him to sit on the end of the bed. He stood in front of Eric, closing his eyes as Eric touched his stomach. It was a strange sensation, the touch to his scars. Even after seven years, he would still wake up hurting, his skin tight and the scar itchy beneath the damaged surface. Day to day it could change and he had learned to ignore it, just a dull memory at the back of his mind.

CJ looked down at Eric and took a steadying breath. He stepped back and held Eric’s gaze as he started to undress. Removing his T-shirt, he dropped it to the floor. Fear tightened his chest, briefly getting the better of CJ, and he shied away from Eric’s gaze. He hadn’t undressed for anyone in a long time. But Eric wasn’t just anyone.

“Here,” Eric said and got off the bed. He wrapped his hands around CJ’s.

CJ was surprised by how gentle Eric was as he pushed away his hands and untied the string at the waist of his sweatpants. Anticipation swelled inside him and CJ needed something to happen right-the-hell now. As nice as slow and steady and sensual was, CJ had the sudden urge to spin Eric around and throw him to the bed. What the hell, right?

Kicking free from the sweatpants, CJ roughly pulled Eric into an embrace. Eric’s erection aligned with his and the reassuring hardness had his chest tightening in a sweet ache of want and desire. Threading his fingers through Eric’s hair, he pulled him close and met his mouth in a sloppy kiss. Spinning, they fell to the bed in a tangle of limbs and hot kisses. The evening sun filled the room with a low orange light, and CJ leaned back to appreciate the flattering pattern of light and shadows as they fell across Eric’s face. For a moment, he slowed everything down and tenderly kissed his way up and down Eric’s neck and chest. He pressed his lips to the place above Eric’s heart, before returning his attention to his mouth.

Lying over Eric, he gently rocked his hips, causing a friction between them as their dicks bumped together. It felt good to have someone naked and in his bed, skin on skin and holding him close. Eric ran his hand over CJ’s shoulder, then traced a line down the length of his spine to settle on the small of his back. CJ arched back into the touch, sighing contentedly as Eric ran his warm hand in soothing circles as they kissed.

After a few long minutes of kissing and exploring each other’s bodies, Eric rolled them over, flipping their positions. He looked down at CJ and there was clearly love in his eyes. CJ bit lightly on his lip as he smiled. God, Eric was stunning. No wonder he had a fan base of screaming teenage girls.

Eric teased him with more kisses, licking and nipping at CJ’s mouth. “You wanna?” he whispered, rubbing the tip of his nose against CJ’s.

“Yeah,” CJ said in a low voice. He did.

“Yeah,” Eric repeated with a smile and reached past him to the nightstand.

“The drawer,” CJ said and waited.

“Lift your legs,” Eric said and pushed a pillow beneath CJ’s ass to raise him from the bed. “Okay?” He slicked his fingers and settled in the space between CJ’s legs.

“Yeah,” CJ assured him one more time, meeting Eric in a brief kiss before lying back on the bed. He lifted his hips as Eric slid his hand back and low, caressing his ass cheeks before slipping between them and pushing inside.

CJ groaned as Eric moved deeper, stretching him open in preparation. As Eric nuzzled the sensitive skin of his inner thigh, CJ tempered his arousal. He wanted to enjoy every minute. His legs trembled as Eric kissed and licked him, and his dick twitched at the feel of Eric’s breath.

In a steady motion, Eric pulled back and got to his knees, quickly rolling on the condom then edging forward, dick in hand. CJ curled his hands in the bed sheets as Eric pressed against him. The head of Eric’s erection breached his body and he rocked his hips, pushing down onto Eric’s dick and deepening the penetration. Releasing the sheets, he draped his arms over Eric’s shoulders and pressed his fingers against Eric’s strong back. He did his best to relax as he felt the stretch and burn of Eric entering him.

Eric shifted his weight, settling between CJ’s legs as he hooked his arms beneath his legs, raising CJ higher.

“Fuck,” CJ gasped as his knees came up to his chest. Eric was larger than any of his previous lovers, his dick filling CJ with every gentle thrust. God it felt amazing and even more so as Eric changed his rhythm, quickening his thrusts as he fucked toward release.

The shared moment passed in a haze of thrusts, kisses and low sensual sounds. Their eyes met and CJ’s heart skipped in his chest. No one had ever looked at him the way Eric was looking at him right now. Desire washed through him and he reached between them, enclosing his erection as he stroked his way toward orgasm. He was conflicted. Part of him wanted release, wanted Eric to fuck him wide open, leaving them both spent and limp and close to something like bliss. But the other part of him didn’t want this to end. He wanted to wrap himself up in Eric and stay that way forever, safe and loved. Despite telling himself he shouldn’t, he loved Eric just as much as ever.

“Gonna,” Eric managed. Eric’s pace reached a peak and he thrust his hips back and forth. His breathing was ragged as he captured CJ’s mouth in a series of desperate kisses. Sucking hard on CJ’s lip, Eric held him close and let out a throaty sound. Eric’s body trembled as he hit his climax and slipped over the edge into the release of orgasm.

CJ tightened his hold on his dick, bringing himself off in a few rough moves. Boneless, they lay together in a sticky mess of sex. Staring up at the ceiling, CJ threaded his fingers in Eric’s hair as he lay against him. Gently, CJ moved his hand in small, soothing circles.

I love you too.

He was so fucked.