Chapter Twelve

Please, stop looking at me.

CJ kept his head down as he scanned over the letter Jodie had drafted for him to send home to parents. He dared to glance across his desk at Jodie and quickly regretted it. Since sitting down in front of him, she had done nothing but stare. Seriously, had she even blinked?

“What?” CJ finally asked and sighed as he sat back.

Narrowing her eyes, Jodie folded her arms. “Have you done your hair differently today or something?” She tilted her head as she eyed him suspiciously. “There’s something…” She shook her head. “Nothing.”

CJ rested his head in his hand and held the letter out to her. “Sounds fine,” he said unenthusiastically. “Run them off.”

“Cheer up. It might never happen.”

“It already did,” he said without thinking and quickly regretted it as she met his eyes.

Jodie pointed a finger at him. “What have you done?”

“Nothing,” he claimed. “I promise it’s nothing you need to worry about.”

She narrowed her eyes. “No. It’s not nothing.”

Well, crap.

“You called the bank, yeah?” she asked. “You made an appointment?”

CJ nodded. He had done what she’d told him to. “Eleven tomorrow morning.”

She tapped her fingers on the desk. She wasn’t going to let up just yet. Then, suddenly, there it was. “What did Eric want last night?”

“What?” CJ said and shrugged. “Nothing.”

It was as if a light had been switched on somewhere and Jodie leaned forward, closely scrutinizing every inch of him. “Oh, babe. Please tell me you didn’t?”

“What? No,” he quickly denied and realized it was the wrong thing to do. He hadn’t even asked what it was she guessed he’d done and he was already denying it. “Shut up.”

Jodie raised an eyebrow. “Oh, my God. You and him. Him?” She sat back in her seat. She opened and closed her mouth, clearly unsure what to say next.

“Don’t. It’s not what you think.” What the hell did she think?

“I’m pretty sure it is. I thought…fuck…” She shook her head and gave a short, sharp laugh. “I knew it. I knew he’d do this. He couldn’t just leave you alone.”

She was blaming Eric? “What? No. It takes two.”

Jodie gave him a despairing look. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“That’s the thing. I wasn’t.” He shrugged. “And it was nice.” There he’d said it. They had slept together and for the first time in a long time, his shame and embarrassment had slipped away. Their night together had been nice. No. This time nice wasn’t the right word. Hell, last night had been way beyond being just nice. He met Jodie’s eyes. He didn’t care if she approved or not. He wasn’t about to apologize.

“So, you and him…?” She waved her hands together in some weird gesture that CJ guessed meant ‘sex’.

“Yes,” he said and closed his eyes. He sighed as he rubbed his neck. When he opened his eyes, he was surprised to see Jodie smiling at him. “What?”

“Though I have issues with Eric, I have to say it’s good to see you happy.”

Happy? This was him—happy? He quirked an eyebrow curiously and could feel heat in his cheeks. He didn’t want to talk to his sister about last night.

“Yes,” she assured him. “You look happier. Lighter. Less stressed. It’s good, right?”

CJ considered her observation. Maybe he did feel a little better, but there was still the future of the center hanging over him and that was a weight he was struggling to escape from beneath.

“Do I need to talk to him about his intentions?” Jodie asked and smirked.

“Don’t you dare.” Last night had been a one off, some kind of closure to their story, and not a chapter he intended to revisit. What had happened was something they’d both needed and that was the end of it. Or at least that was what he kept telling himself.

“Okay,” Jodie said, wearing a serious expression. “And what now? He’s going back to LA at the end of the week, right?” She parted her lips as if something amazing had occurred to her. “Are you going with him?”

Where the hell had that come from? “Go with him? No.” Why would she even think that?

“I know you. You can’t deny the fact you still have feelings for him.” She folded her arms and rested against the edge of the desk. “You must have realized sleeping with him wasn’t going to make those feelings go away.”

“That wasn’t why,” he insisted. He wasn’t some naïve school kid.

“Then, what?”

Eric had looked so vulnerable, so weak and it killed CJ to think the man had been blaming and hurting himself all these years.

“I did it for him.”

“What?” Jodie clearly didn’t understand.

CJ sat back in his seat. “You’ve seen him. He’s nothing like the Eric we remember. He’s broken and hurting. I just…” He lowered his head. “I wanted to show him that things could be better. That he didn’t need to feel guilty anymore.” It wasn’t a lie as such. CJ had wanted to show Eric that he could be happy, that he deserved to be happy. But he’d also wanted the same things for himself.

Jodie opened her mouth, but seemed unable to say whatever was on her mind. Instead, she simply smiled.

Not quite what he’d expected. “Say something,” he said. Her silence made him uneasy. The brain of Jodie Williams could be a frightening place.

“I was just thinking how you still can’t lie for shit.”

CJ averted his eyes and stared at his desk. “It’s not a lie.”

“Maybe, but it’s not the truth either.” She reached across the desk and touched his hand. “You’re entitled to be selfish sometimes, you know? To have something, someone for yourself.”

“I’m fine. I have enough on my plate without making things out to be more than they are. It was sex.”

“That simple?” Jodie clearly wasn’t convinced, but then, why should she be? She knew very well how CJ had, and still, felt about Eric. He cared. No matter what the man might have done, he couldn’t stop caring about the big idiot.

Sighing, Jodie pushed back her chair. “I have a shift at the music store. You okay to look over those ideas?” She pointed to the second sheet of paper she had brought with her—a list of additional sponsors and ways to raise an income.

“Sure,” he said and tapped the list. “I have a few hours to kill.” Spring term was over and the center was back to running as a weekend and after-school club until the next semester break.

Jodie nodded as she gathered her things. “Okay. Well, good luck at the bank tomorrow. Call me and let me know, yeah?”

CJ nodded. “Sure,” he said again and chewed on his thumbnail.

“It’ll be fine,” she said and walked round the desk to kiss him on the cheek. “It will.”

Watching his sister leave, CJ couldn’t help but think she was wrong. He focused on his diary and eyed the penned in appointment at the bank. They didn’t have to agree to his request, and the feeling in the pit of his stomach did nothing to allay that fear. It was a case of wait and see.

* * * *

“Eric?” his mom said, as she knocked on the bedroom door. “You decent?”

Eric looked at the closed door as he turned his cell phone over in his hand. He had been sitting on the bed for the last thirty minutes, staring at his cell and CJ’s name. Confused was just the start of it. What the hell had he been thinking last night? Or more importantly, what had CJ been thinking?

“Honey?” The door slowly opened.

“Yeah, Mom,” he said as she stuck her head around the door.

“You okay?” she asked and stepped into the room.

“Mmm,” he said and slipped his phone into his jeans pocket. He pressed his mouth in a line and hesitantly raised his eyes to meet his mother’s.

“What are you doing sitting in the dark?” she asked and crossed the room to open the drapes.

Squinting, Eric turned his head as sunlight flooded the room. “Mom,” he grumbled and shielded his eyes.

Maureen sat down beside him and rested her hand on his leg. “What’s happened?” she asked. “I thought you were doing okay.”

He had been. But then there was the press and the AA meeting and now this thing, whatever the hell it was, with CJ. He met her eyes. “I’m fine,” he lied. “Just tired.”

His mom shook her head. “Eric James Fox, what have I told you about telling lies?” she said with a smile, and squeezed his knee.

“Sorry,” he said and lowered his head.

Maureen’s eyes softened as she looked at him. “Do you remember when you were fifteen and you came home that day and all you could talk about was the new boy in your class?”

Eric nodded.

“I knew then there was something different about you and him. The way you talked about him. The way just the mention of his name brightened your eyes.” She stopped and wore a serious expression. “I know you’re no angel, son.”

He was under no illusion that his family hadn’t read the things written in the press and online. He just wished he could say they weren’t true.

“But I am proud of you.” She smiled and cupped his face with her hands. “My son, the actor.” He closed his eyes as she soothed a line over his jaw. “Are you happy?” she asked.

There was very little that made him happy. Alcohol had created an illusion for a while, but it had been poorly constructed and the cracks had quickly started to show.

“I don’t know,” he said, resting his shoulder against hers. When he had been at his lowest in LA, all he had wished for was one hug from his mother. For her to hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay.

Maureen gently kneaded his neck with her fingers and kissed his cheek. “CJ’s a remarkable young man, isn’t he?” she said in a low voice. “To be able to put what happened behind him and move on with his life?”

The image of CJ’s naked, scarred skin flashed through Eric’s mind. He couldn’t bear to think about how much pain CJ must have been in after the accident.

“Anytime we saw him he would ask after you.”

“He did?”

Maureen nodded. “Mmm.”

Did he need to hear this? “I tried to forget about him. I tried to forget about the accident.” He had tried so damn hard and for a while it had worked. He had buried himself in the whole rush and swirl of LA and the lifestyle that went with it. Eventually, even that hadn’t been able to stop the guilt eating away at him and in the end the inevitable had happened. He had fucked it all up. “I never meant to do all that stuff.”

Hugging him close, Maureen asked, “I want you to be honest, just this once. Can you do that?”

He could do that. “Okay.”

“When you ended up in hospital was it because…” She cleared her throat, composing herself as she asked the difficult question. “Did you try to kill yourself?”

Eric didn’t answer straight away. Yes, he had considered it. On his lowest days he had stared at his wrists and wondered what it would be like to scratch them open. There had also been other options to consider—crashing his car, pills. But he never had the motivation to go beyond that. Suicide had been an idea—a thought and that was all.

“No. It was a stupid mistake.” That was the truth.

“Okay,” his mom said and rested her chin on the top of his head.

“I promise,” he said. “I was an idiot, but I would never do that. I wouldn’t do it to you and Dad.”

Maureen tightened her hug, before releasing him and sitting back. “So, what are you doing up here?”

He shrugged. He had slept with CJ and now there was a flurry of mixed emotions whirling in circles inside his head.

“I assume it has something to do with a boy,” she said carefully. “Or rather a man.”

Eric didn’t say anything. His mom wasn’t stupid. She knew very well how much he’d loved CJ and he was pretty sure she knew how he felt about the man now.

“You still like him, don’t you?”

Eric sighed. He might as well tell her the truth. “Last night, we—”

“Oh,” she said. “Right. And?”

“It was meant to be closure, goodbye, or at least that’s what I thought.”

“But?”

Shrugging, Eric pulled his knees up and folded his arms on top of them. “I think…” He blew out a frustrated breath and said firmly, “I don’t want it to be goodbye.”

“So what are you going to do?” Maureen asked.

Eric shrugged. He had no idea.