The Pitch

When we heard what happened to you we thought, Wow, that’s it. We’re making a film. Something that we’ll put online that we think could go viral right away because of the topic. You aren’t that well known on campus, because you just got here, basically, but the guys, Reed and Peekskill, are ubiquitous. They’re also a bit retaliatory.

Not toward you, no, that’s over. You can believe us about that. They are known to be always looking for novelty. So this film is inspired by you but not for you in the sense that you are already out of harm’s way. Except for the memories, which are probably sketchy, because of the cocktail, right? And we already know about the bruising. We’ll be sure to put it in the cartoon.

You are right that this is hardly a laughing matter, but a graphic representation will have a bigger impact than a bunch of talking heads with white backdrops facing a camera talking about Reed and Peekskill like they’re pervs in trench coats. You may think that’s exactly what they are. But those guys wouldn’t be caught dead in a trench coat. Be serious.

You say that clothes are beside the point, except you had trouble finding yours. Have we got that right? Reed and Peekskill were gone when you woke up, and the house you were in was in a town you didn’t know. It was dark upstairs. But you followed the noise in just your T-shirt but no bra—that was gone—and a damp towel half-soaked in beer. Downstairs, there were some men speaking a language you didn’t understand, playing cards on a lopsided table, screaming to one another. Until you showed up and they went silent. Then one spit in an empty cup and called you a name and you knew what that meant. Have we got the basic choreography?

And you had no idea where you were, right? Well, that’s just typical. But the way you got home, if you want to call this crap-hole dorm a home, was pretty ingenious and we’d like to use that in the film.

No, it won’t be embarrassing because it’s going to be a cartoon. We can even make you a blond. You won’t become an “example.” And fortunately you’re not pregnant. Right? You are? You were? On one try? With Reed? Or Peekskill? You don’t know. Wow. You are like the fourth person that’s happened to. It’s like a brand. Some say it must be a powerful mixed sperm thing, but that’s just disgusting. And besides, no one remembers. You remember a little? What’s that? We can probably use it for the film. Anything helps.

No, we will not tell your mother. That’s crazy talk. Why would we tell your mother? Your mother spends a lot of time cruising the internet for student films about campus shit? Do you think we’ll email her the link and say, Look, almost a Granny?

Hey, don’t cry! We don’t mean to be casual or harsh. It’s just not a rational concern in this situation. We can make you look like a Martian and give you a squeaky machine voice. Especially for the scene when you’re stuck inside the store window. That was pretty wild. We can do something with that.

So, did you know you were in an abandoned store when you first saw those guys playing cards or was it really dark in there? Dark. Okay. We might make it a hardware store, kind of a metaphor. You don’t care? Okay. Well, what exactly was in the window display? Duct tape rolls, a torn sheet, a stiff dry paintbrush, a glue mousetrap. We are writing this down. All right, we’ll make it different. Maybe a pharmacy? Wait. How about a toy store, yes?

So you get shoved into a defunct storefront window by the guy who spit in the cup and called you a whore in a language you didn’t understand but that’s universal. He shoves you in there, in your T-shirt and the beer-soaked towel. And you’re basically stuck there in the glass rectangle.

Were you crying? You threw up. That’s right. Everybody does that. It’s a reaction to the chemical in the cocktail. They change it up apparently, but the puking is always there at some point, so we’ll put it in the film. But we’ll make it artful. Maybe the puke will turn to something else, a metamorphosis. So the soulful aspect of the puker is evident in the moment of deepest denigration. What would you like? Could be butterflies? Maybe hummingbirds would be a little more unusual. Or do you prefer plant life?

Why don’t you care? This is a chance for self-expression, to show yourself as unbeatable in your essence. And that’s an important message to get across to other incoming freshmen, not just the girls either because that would cause a lot of problems politically. You have no idea. So we’re going to pitch this film to all genders.

So here’s a question. So what’s the residual pain like? Any aches and pains left over? We mean besides the termination of course. You feel it mostly in your legs? That’s interesting. Because you fought a lot with your legs? Really? I’m not sure that makes sense. That’s the point of the cocktail. No fighting. Girls are usually pretty compliant we hear, and then no memory. Oh, inside the window. Got it. That’s when you were fighting. Well, that’s really interesting. The cardplayers tried to come at you inside the store window. Like they were pretending they were in Amsterdam or something. That’s pretty crazy. Where were these guys from? You don’t know. We should just make them some kind of animal but surprising ones, not weasels or rats, like dolphins might be really ironic. What do you think?

Not much. Okay. You know, we just have to ask: Have you ever considered, hey, this window may all be your imagination? Some kind of hallucination? Or even, it happens, a kinky kind of fantasy? Okay. Okay. No, of course we believe you. That’s why we’re here. Okay. So you were kicking away the big gang in the store window.

But wait, why didn’t you just fight them with your arms? That would be more typical. Your arms were still weak? The muscles wouldn’t fire fast enough? Well, that must have been strange. So you kicked them? You were a champion swimmer in high school? Cool. That was lucky. Very lucky. So you kicked and then what? One guy goes right out through the glass window, boom, shattered. That must have been some cheap-ass old glass. It was already cracked? Makes sense. And you noticed that? It was like your brain was working and your eyes and your legs, but not your arms. That must have been weird.

How did you hold up your towel? You lost the towel, but eventually you took the sheet, okay. And the guys vanished when the window shattered, because an alarm went off inside the store. You got down on the floor and tried to wrap the sheet around you using your good feet because your hands kept losing the grip. By the time the police came you were like a bloody mummy, because the glass had cut you up. The mousetrap was stuck in your hair? We have to use that. And the police just drove you here? No questions asked? Wrapped in a sheet, covered in blood, with a mousetrap in your hair? Un-fucking-believable.

Right. Right. Right. The shooting. They needed to get over there fast. Honestly? We don’t think that’s an excuse. Which is why we’re making this film. Did you know that this campus is in the top ten percentile of sexual assault in the whole country? Surprising, right? But it’s in the bottom percentile of cases reported by the police. Well, that’s our hook. That’s why it’s going to be big. That discrepancy.

So how long before you knew you were pregnant? Not that long. Okay. And did you need anything else, stitches, any emergency care? You decided against it. And how long until the feeling in your arms came back? Wow. That’s a long time. Those cocktails are deadly. Truly. And what about now, any residual aches? Even just mentally?

Huh. Well, you look okay to us. I mean if we were going to do this live, and if it wasn’t for the retaliatory nature of Reed and Peekskill, we would definitely use you because you have a lost look around your eyes that is kind of, no offense, awkward in person, big gaps in the flow of conversation. But on film it would be haunting and we could edit out the pauses, make a kind of staccato rhythm, as if you were edgy and fast thinking and on your feet, instead of staring and mystified. Definitely the message we want to send is one of empowerment. How to make good decisions in your life. How to be your own best advocate. How to look feminine, sure, but strong. Not someone who’s going to put up with a lot of male intimidation and who can basically hold her liquor, even when drugged. Right? So a cartoon will definitely deliver that about you. We think we’d like to make you a starfish, but a pretty one.

Why? Because they can lose an essential part of themselves and then grow it right back. That’s not true? Well, in cartoons it happens all the time. You’ve just got to believe us on that one.

All right. So. It’s been like great talking to you. Thanks so much.

Looks like we’ve got everything we need.

No, more than enough.

No, plenty.

So, now the hard work begins. We’ve got to transpose all this to some sane and usable format. Figure and ground. Always the same question. Crazy, right? Technology thinks it’s soaring beyond what’s ever been known before to mankind while art stays perennial. Or something like that. What? Of course we’ll stay in touch! Absolutely. We already feel like your best friends. This has been really great! Okay now. We’re going. Aloha.