by Brad Paulson
Love James Bond? Ever want to see a James Bond style movie with a dwarf? How about a Filipino dwarf? Aren’t you tired of all those damn tallie Fabios playing Bond? Fabios like Brosnan, Craig, Connery, Moore, and that drunk guy George Lazenby? Sure, they all hold their own as far as the franchise is concerned. But for my money, they can’t touch the super-suave, ass-whipping lady-killer with pepperoni-sized nipples that is Weng Weng.
My favorite part of a Bond movie is and always has been when he’s inside the circle, walks slowly and confidently, then turns and shoots at the camera and the screen fills up with blood. As kids, my brother and I were glued to these intros. Right before the shot was fired, we’d quickly jump out of the way, pretending we were avoiding it in real life.
For Y’ur Height Only starts the same way as the Bond movies do, except Weng is standing still instead of walking. Right away, you know the movie is great because it treats us to a dwarf staring directly into the camera. I can think of no better way to open a movie. Even though it bears many similarities, For Y’ur Height Only is not an official Bond film. It is a straight up rip-off from the Philippines. The technical flaws and stilted dialogue are hard to overlook (for me, they add to the enjoyment of the movie), but it gives us everything it advertises itself to be and has a charming sense of humor to boot.
The plot involves a dwarf villain by the name of Mr. Giant who kidnaps a doctor. The great Weng Weng is sent to his rescue. Giant is an elusive dwarf who talks to people through a mirror so they can’t see his face. Most of the thugs that work for him are puzzled by his Wizard of Oz-style presence (or lack of presence, I should say). Only one toady of Mr. Giant seems to actually be able to see him.
Dwarf lovers or even merely mild appreciators will be in awe of this movie as Weng demonstrates incredible athletic ability in the fight scenes, falls from heights that would kill tallies, uses an umbrella as a makeshift parachute, flies with a jetpack, disco dances, fires guns nearly as big as he is, etc. This is one secret agent dwarf that knows how to live life to its fullest. The filmmakers might not know how to turn in a seamlessly edited film but they sure as hell know how to maximize their dwarf production value. Weng is perfect for this franchise as he radiates likeability and a larger-than-life screen presence.
With his bowl/mullet cut and plethora of puppety expressions, Weng’s more adorable than anything else. I stopped counting the amount of times he looked at the camera, so he may not have been the best listener but regardless, he more than earns his keep. He also proves to be a skilled martial artist.
Due to his size, he’s able to utilize stealth to crawl under his enemies’ legs, execute crotch attacks from below, apply precision kneecap strikes and flip over the backs of tallies. He’s an incredibly acrobatic stunt dwarf. He’s also able to hide in bushes with ease.
Aside from his physicality (every time he opens a door, he’s never taller than the handle), the dubbing of his voice also cracks me up. It’s Americanized and sounds a little nasally. It reminds me of the cartoon character Snagglepuss.
Weng also sports some pretty impressive gadgets supplied by his boss: a radio necklace, a ring that detects all poisons, a special made dwarf gun with a silencer, a dwarf hipster hat with a blade on it (à la Oddjob in Goldfinger), a blowgun pen, a belt buckle that cuts through steel bars and shades that aren’t just for style. They function like X-ray vision does for Superman except Weng uses them to watch the office girls type in the nude. He covers his mouth after he looks, reacting to seeing something naughty (even though it was only their shoulders that were visible). Weng with his white suit and hipster hat is a pretty amusing sight to behold.
Sadly, these gadgets are in more abundance than the real James Bond gets. Especially in the newer films, since nowadays they seem to strip his character down to a Jason Bourne clone. Skyfall comes to mind when tallie Bond (Daniel Craig) is given a gun and a radio and told that’s all he’s going to have. I can’t say I was very impressed with that decision.
It’s also funny that one of the main thugs seems to have the voice of Lawrence Bender in Reservoir Dogs and the dubbing for most of the rest of the male leads sounds like they’re trying to impersonate John Wayne. The filmmakers also must’ve thought that all thugs speak like 1930s gangsters because they use the era’s terminology throughout the film, with laugh-out-loud results.
The filmmakers also didn’t leave out the seductive power Bond has with women as every female who comes into contact with Weng seems absolutely taken with him. This is refreshing to see since it challenges the stereotype of women falling for tallies.
Combine all these elements together (along with a dwarf-on-dwarf showdown at the end) and everything adds up to perfect fodder for a midnight movie. This is a great flick to watch with a crowd and maybe if you’re a guy and you’re shorter than your date she’ll challenge the stereotype as well. If Weng Weng can’t work the magic for you, no one can.