Justin’s defence—Had I known you mattered and had a national voice, I would never have done it—seems a bit creepy, no? The editor and the newspaper stand by the story. The young woman in question was reportedly distressed after the incident.

Fallout? Not a damn thing. As it turns out, zero tolerance is zero tolerance, except when it comes to Justin. As for the desperate excuse floated by his supporters—that this was all “eighteen years ago” and thus doesn’t matter—please see the previous pages, where he boasts about his twenty-five years of wokeness.

Here, lemme just fix that earlier quote: There’s lots of things you can do to be a better feminist as a man, but here’s a simple one: “don’t grope women.”