Rotten rules

Rotten rulers can make up some pretty rotten rules. Could you have lived in the days of these lousy leaders?

The Empress Symiamira told the Romans who could ride in a chariot and who had to ride in an ox cart. (Posh people in chariots, of course.)

She told women who could have sandals covered in jewels and who had to have leather sandals. (Posh people with the jewels – you guessed it.)

Other rulers have had odd ideas about crime and punishments. Can you match the punishment to the crime? If you can’t then your punishment will be to eat your PE teacher’s trainers.

Answers:

1h)

King Gustavus Vasa of Sweden (1496–1560)

Gustavus had a goldsmith who worked for him. One day the goldsmith took a day off without asking Gustavus – a bit like you taking the day off school without asking your teacher. You might have got a detention. Gustavus had his goldsmith chopped into pieces. Gustavus was a bad-tempered vicious Viking. He once tore his daughter’s hair out by the roots. And his swearing was terrible. He probably swore as he tore!

2e)

Emperor Li Yuan Ho

Li Yuan Ho was a Tibetan chief. In 1038 he said,

Li wanted his men to look different from the other Chinese, so he ordered them to shave their heads except for a fringe at the front. They had three days to comply, after which they would be executed. Sort of chop or be chopped.

3b)

Emperor Caligula of Rome (AD 12–41)

This Roman Emperor was so upset by the death of his sister he said that no one must laugh or take a bath. The punishment was death. What if you did the laugh without the bath? Then at least you died laughing – a bit smelly, but laughing.

4f)

Tsar Paul I of Russia (1754–1801)

This tsad tsar was terrified of a revolution throwing him out on the tseat of his pants. The French had just done it to their king and the French wore round hats. Tso what did Tsar Paul do?

That’s right – he banned round hats. People were supposed to wear three-cornered hats.

Soldiers went round ripping round hats off round heads and beating the wearers.

If you were a lucky Russian you would be born with a three-cornered head, of course.

Wearing French collars or waistcoats were also crimes that could get you locked up.

5a)

Queen Isabeau of Bavaria (c.1371–1435)

Isabeau married Charles VI of France and decided she wanted all her ladies-in-waiting to have narrow waists. She made a rule that said their waists must measure between 26 and 33 cm.

Any lady who measured more was sent away. Some women starved themselves half to death to obey this foolish rule.

Yet, as she grew older, Isabeau grew so fat that she had to be pushed around in a wheelchair.

When her husband Charles went mad, Isabeau found herself a new boyfriend. Unfortunately Charles became sane again for a while and found out about the boyfriend. The boyfriend was tortured, strangled, tied in a leather sack and thrown into the River Seine.

Fat Isabeau was spared. Maybe they couldn’t find a sack big enough.

6c)

Sultan Abdul Hamid II of Turkey (1842–1918)

The Sultan of Turkey was chicken.

He was terrified that someone would kill him.

He…

• was afraid his clothes would be poisoned, so he had clothes testers to put them on before he got dressed

• wore a vest of chain mail

• wore a fez hat with steel inside

• drank milk from his own cow which he milked himself

• carried a gun everywhere (and shot dead a gardener by accident. He also shot a playful daughter who crept up behind him for a surprise. The hole he shot between her eyes was a bigger surprise.)

• kept two pistols by the side of the bath

• had booby-trapped cupboards that could be opened at the touch of a button and shoot a visitor

• carried one of his children on his knee when he went out in his bullet-proof coach – not because he wanted to give the child a ride, but because he wanted the child as a human shield.

Abdul even banned the word ‘bomb’ in Turkey – he didn’t want people talking about bomb plots to kill him.

The Sultan’s chief cook made a delicious dessert – a hollow ball of ice-cream filled with fruit and custard. The name of this tasty treat is French. It is called bombe glacé. When the Sultan saw the word ‘bombe’ he freaked. The chef was sacked.

But it all seemed to work. He died peacefully in his bed aged 77 – not many rotten rulers managed that.

7j)

King Frederick William I of Prussia (1688–1740)

In Prussia women looked after the stalls in the markets. When they were not busy they liked to sit and chat. Fred banned that – he said women must keep themselves occupied by knitting stockings. No chatting or you lose your stall – lose your stall and you starve.

Frederick William was cruel to the master of the Prussian Science School, Jakob Paul Gundling. The poor man had the job of reading the newspapers to the King. The King and his friends tormented him – once they set him on fire. Jakob eventually drank himself to death. Foul Fred had the master buried in a beer barrel.

8d)

Nadir Shah of Persia (1688–1747)

Nasty Nadir wanted huge armies so he could go around bashing his neighbours. But armies cost money and the money came from taxes on the people. Anyone who could not pay was executed.

Nadir thought his own son, Reza Quli Mirza, was plotting against him.

Did Nadir give him a slap round the ear and tell him to behave? No.

Did he lock him in his room till he said ‘Sorry’? No.

He had him blinded.

But some of his lords knew what Nadir had done – so Nadir had the lords executed to keep them quiet.

Nadir enjoyed going on journeys round his country. But wherever he stopped to rest he had people tortured and put to death.

Nasty Nadir had towers built from the skulls of his victims.

In March 1747 he crossed the pitiless Dasht-i-Lut desert, where many of his men died from hunger and thirst.

A group of his own tribe did not want to be next. As one chief said:

They attacked him in his sleep. He still managed to kill two attackers before they lopped off his head.

Nadir lost his nut.

9g)

King Eric XIV of Sweden (1533–1577)

Eric was sure people were out to get him. So he attacked anyone in his palace who whispered behind his back.

A sudden movement? It could get you sliced like a piece of bacon.

A cough at the wrong time? It could get you pierced like a pudding.

Eric even went around stabbing servants who dressed too well – if they looked too smart (he said) then they must be trying to chat up the ladies in his court. A quick carving would put a stop to that.

He had the top Swedes thrown into prison – then he murdered one in his cell and told the guards to kill all the others.

As he rode from the prison Eric met his dear old teacher Dionysius. He stabbed the old teacher to death. In the end Eric’s brother John III took his throne and had Eric put in jail. John wrote a letter to the jailer:

Eric was poisoned.

10i)

Pol Pot, Cambodian ruler (ruled 1975–1979)

About 1.7 million Cambodians died of starvation, disease, overwork and execution during Pol Pot’s rule.

He wanted Cambodia to go back to a sort of Middle Ages when life was simple and peasants were pure.

In those simple days few people could read, so no one needed glasses. If Pol Pot’s bully boys (the Khmer Rouge) caught you wearing glasses you’d be beaten to death – often with a shovel.

Pol Pot used to be a teacher. His ‘rules’ were a bit tougher than your school rules. Apart from wearing glasses, you could be executed for:

• not working hard enough

• complaining

• stealing food

• wearing jewellery

• crying for a dead friend

• praying

When Pol Pot died he was buried in the mountains of Anlong Veng. What did the Cambodians do with this monster’s grave site in June 2004?

They turned it into a theme park for tourists.

You can go and see the place where landmines were made; or trek to the jungle where Pol Pot was cremated on a pile of burning tyres.