Loathsome leader: Emperor Elagabalus of Rome (AD 203–222)
Little Varius was pushed on to the throne by his mother when he was just 14 years old.
Mummy made him the High Priest of Elagabalus, the sun god. That meant he sacrificed hundreds of sheep and cattle in the temple and then poured rich wine over the blood-dripping bodies.
Yummy.
After a while the sad lad really began to believe he was the sun god and changed his name to Elagabalus.
The young god invited friends to dinner and made them wrestle with lions and eat live parrots.
His enemies were tied to a wall so he could stab them with red-hot pokers. Strips of skin were torn off them and they were dipped in salty water.
You wouldn’t believe the things he did. Or would you?
Lousy life
Here are 15 foul facts about Elagabalus’ life. One is a lie – but which one?
1 He acted in plays and played the part of the goddess Venus – with no clothes on.
2 He liked to dress like a woman. He used to paint his eyes and rouge his cheeks, and was shaved all over his body.
3 He started to sacrifice children in the temples but he only killed children who still had two parents so there was twice the misery.
4 He examined the guts of sacrificed children so he could see into the future and displayed the guts in golden bowls.
5 He often feasted on a dish of peas mixed with nuggets of gold.
6 He served his guests joke food made of wax or stone and they had to pretend to enjoy it.
7 He gave away cattle, asses and slaves as presents to the people.
8 He had a naval show where the ships floated on a lake of wine.
9 He slipped bears and wild cats into guests’ bedrooms while they slept.
10 He ordered a slave to collect 500 kilos of spiders’ webs – the slave failed and was eaten alive by starving rats.
11 He played games where prizes were gold or lettuce leaves, diamonds or scorpions.
12 He had a trick ceiling in his dining room. It opened up to flood the room with rose and violet petals, but these suffocated the guests.
13 He rewarded a dancing girl by hanging a dead dog around her neck.
14 He gathered crowds to watch a show then scattered poisoned snakes among them so he could watch people being bitten or trampled in panic.
15 He had great feasts where everyone was forced to eat school dinners.
Answer: Number 15 is the fake. It was not really that difficult. If you got one wrong then you deserve an invite to an Elagabalus party.
Ela-gobble-ups
A cockerel has a red ‘comb’ on the top of its head. This was sliced off while the cockerel was still alive, cooked, and served to the Emperor.
The crafty cooks told him:
His guests were shocked. Nor were they too happy watching the Emperor chewing away at cooked camel heels.
The Emperor also ate flamingo, partridge and thrush brains. Six hundred flamingo heads were served at one party. Guests had to scoop out the brains with a golden spoon. None of these things made Elagabalus any brainier. He also ate the heads of parrots, pheasants and peacocks. (You’ll notice he never ate the heads of toucans or pelicans because the bill was too much.)
Elagabalus fed his dogs on goose liver and his horses on old grapes.
His pet lions enjoyed sow udders.
Elagabalus’s army was fed up with him so the soldiers decided to kill him.
He tried to run away and locked himself in the toilet. That’s where they killed him.
They poured boiling, molten gold into his eyes.
They grabbed his corpse with meat hooks and lugged it through the dusty streets. Then they tried stuffing the dead Emperor down a sewer so he’d be washed into the river. But the body got stuck.
The killers hauled him out, and dragged him round the chariot race-track. Finally they took him to the nearest bridge and threw him into the River Tiber.
The Emperor’s unpopular mother was thrown in with him.
