Happy families
Rulers have always had enemies who wanted to kill them. Often, their worst enemies were members of their own family.
Brutal brothers, slaying sisters, savage sons and murderous mothers, deadly dads and – oh, finish it yourself; you get the idea.
Here are a few foul family facts.
Julius Caesar of Austria (1585–1609)
Rudolf was not a red-nosed reindeer, he was King of Austria.
Old Rudolf had some very odd children, but the oddest of all was the one called Julius Caesar. Do not mix him up with the Roman Julius Caesar.
Rudolf had to lock young Julius away for a while because the boy had battered one of his servants half to death.
What do you think he did when he was set free?
Yes, you could say that Caesar seized her. (Or maybe you’d rather not say that.)
The girl was ordered to return to Julius. Her father refused to let her go back to jabbing Jules so the father was thrown into jail. The girl went back.
Sultan Mustafa of Turkey (1592–1639)
Mustafa wasn’t very bright. When his big brother Ahmed became ruler in 1603, he shut Mustafa up in a building with no windows.
Here is a rare Horrible Histories picture of Mustafa inside the building at night.
Here is an even rarer Horrible Histories picture of Mustafa inside the building one day.
The building was called the Cage.3
But then Ahmed died, so Mustafa was allowed out to become Sultan.
He was 26, but he still had the mind of a child, so the army put him back in the Cage. This time, Mustafa refused to come out. At least he had a couple of girlfriends in the Cage with him.
(Sorry – we have no picture of Mustafa in the Cage with his girlfriends and here it is.)
The Turkish army made a hole in the roof and hauled Mustafa out to be Sultan again when the next ruler died.
But Mad Mustafa was still mad. He gave the job of High Priest to a donkey driver that he had taken a shine to.
He was shut up in the Cage one last time (after the roof had been mended) and he stayed there for another 16 years, until he died at the age of 47.
Prince Frederick of Great Britain (1707–1751)
This Prince was known as ‘Poor Fred’ because his family hated him so much.
His father, George II, said:
Fred’s mum, Caroline of Ansbach, was no better. She said:
And sister Caroline was the most charming of all. She said:
Frederick never became King Fred I of Great Britain because he died after a nasty accident – he was hit in the head by a cricket ball. (Some reports say it was a tennis ball, but we do know Fred was keen on cricket.)
Not everyone hated Fred. When he died some sympathetic person wrote a poem saying it would have been better if the rest of his family had died instead:
None of his family went to the funeral.
Poor Fred.
Prince Sado of Korea (1735–1762)
If Sado was mad-o it was because of his dad-o.
Young Sado was very ill when he was just ten and he started having nightmares. He thought he could see the terrifying god of Thunder.
But his dad, King Yongjo, was even more terrifying.
When the King had a nasty job to do he would often make young Sado do it instead of him.
As Prince Sado grew older, he became more cruel and violent. He:
• beat his servants
• murdered a guard then stuck the dead man’s head on a pole and showed it to the ladies in the palace
• started killing maids
Sado said:
Doctors came to treat him. He killed them.
The busiest people in the palace were the ones who carried the corpses away – every day.
On 4 July 1762, Prince Sado was called to see his father, the King.
The King had a wooden chest brought in. Sado was locked in the chest and left to starve. After eight days the chest was opened and Sado was found dead.
That’s a bit tough on Sado – but then, he had been a vicious murderer.
A worse fate was in store for his servants, workmen and fortune-tellers. They were all put to death, too – even though they’d done nothing wrong.
President Francisco Lopez of Paraguay (1826–1870)
Francisco was fatter than a barrel of lard, and he was a bigger bully than Desperate Dan.
He picked on everyone, but he saved his nastiest bit of cruelty for his own family.
One day his frail old mother told him:
Francisco Lopez also told the church leaders that he should be made a saint. Twenty-three bishops disagreed.
They were shot.
Marriages made in hell
If you want to be a film star it helps to be handsome. But if you want to be a leader it doesn’t seem to matter what you look like – in fact the uglier the better!
Empress Josepha of Austria (1683–1745)
Poor Josepha was spotty. So spotty, her husband, Joseph, couldn’t bear to touch her. He said:
They never had children.
Queen Barbara of Portugal (1711–1758)
King Ferdinand of Spain married Barbara of Portugal because his family said he had to – they said it would make Spain and Portugal friends.
He seemed to love her chubby little face, scarred from smallpox, and her body as fat as a water-filled balloon.
For some reason the Spanish people never liked her though. She was sure they were plotting to kill her.
They didn’t need to. Barbara got a cough and grew thin and died.
As they say in Wolverhampton-on-Sea:
Duke Philippe of Orleans (1640–1701)
Philippe was told he had to marry Princess Elizabeth of Bavaria in 1671. She was at least 45 cm taller than him, and he was terrified of her.
Phil and Liz slept in the same bed, but the poor Princess was forced to sleep on the edge. Most nights she ended up crashing to the floor.
King Frederick William II of Prussia (1744–1797)
Fred was told by his father, ‘You must marry Princess Elizabeth.’
Fred argued, ‘But she is ugly and very smelly.’
The Prince was desperate. He promised:
Fred and Liz married in 1765 – and he didn’t kill himself. But he did divorce her as soon as he could – in 1769.
Princess Maria Christina of Habsburg (1574–1621)
In 1595 Zsigmond married Princess Maria Christina of Habsburg. He said:
Howzat?
Here are some odd facts about rotten rulers. They are true. But can you explain them?
Here’s an example: Britain used to rule America but lost it because of a cricket ball. How is that? Or ‘Howzat!’ as they say in cricket games?
The answer is:
• Prince Frederick of Great Britain was killed by a cricket ball, so…
• his son George III became the next king and George was mentally ill, so…
• a little trouble in America became a war and Britain lost, so…
• if that cricket ball had missed Fred’s head then America could still be British.
See? Try these Howzats on your poor parent, or torment a teacher.
1 In 1283 the Welsh ruler Dafydd ap Gruffydd (c.1235–1283) had his heart ripped out and burned. Dafydd then blinded his executioner. Howzat?
2 Prince Sado of Korea ran away from his angry father and jumped into a deep well to hide. Sado didn’t get wet and he didn’t drown. Howzat?
3 Prince Christian VII of Denmark (1749–1808) was born long before nightclubs were invented, yet he used to love to go out clubbing with his friends. Howzat?
4 Frederick II of Prussia (1712–1786) was really Frederick IV. His dad was Frederick I. Howzat?
5 Dogs have 16 toes, but in the days of William the Conqueror most dogs had just four toes. Howzat?
6 Roman Emperor Caligula went to a wedding where the bride got married – but not to the bridegroom. Howzat?
7 Carlos II of Spain (1661–1700) had a dead pigeon on his head and died. Howzat?
8 King Abbad el Motaddid, King of the Moors (in Spain) cut off the heads of his enemies. He kept the skulls full of life. Howzat?
9 The Aztec Emperor Montezuma used to talk to piles of poo, played with piles of poo and even had piles of poo on his knee. Howzat?
10 During the AD 900s, the Grand Vizier of Persia took 117,000 books wherever he went. They were carried by camels. The Vizier always knew where to find a book. Howzat?
Answers:
1) King Edward I of England ordered that Dafydd be torn apart by horses. The executioner then had to cut open the body, rip out the heart, and burn it on a coal fire. The executioner cut out the heart, which was still beating, and threw it on the fire. The heart exploded and jumped from the fire with one of the coals stuck to it. The heart hit the executioner in the face and the coal blinded him.
2) The well was frozen over. The palace guards soon rescued him.
3) Christian used to skulk along the dark streets of Copenhagen with a gang of friends. They were armed with spiked clubs – the sort that knights used in the Middle Ages. He used this to club unlucky people in the street.
4) A baby named Frederick came Second, but he had a crown jammed on his head as he was christened. It crushed his skull. Another baby named Frederick came Third. The palace fired cannon from the roofs to let the world know. Sadly the cannon were too near the baby and the shock killed him. Along came a Fourth Frederick who lived to be crowned Frederick the Second – even though he was fourth. See?
5) King William ordered that any hunting dogs that did not belong to him had to have three toes cut off each foot. This would slow them down while trying to catch deer and hares. William’s dogs would then get all the best game.
6) Caligula liked the bride, Livia Orestilla, so much that he snatched her from the bridegroom and married her himself. He divorced her a few days later. She was lucky! Caligula had a nasty habit of kissing the necks of his wives and saying, ‘This lovely neck can be chopped as soon as I say so.’
7) Carlos was dying. One of the treatments doctors used in those days was to kill a pigeon and place its corpse on the King’s head. It didn’t work. They also put the steaming guts of dead animals on his stomach to keep him warm. Carlos ended up as dead as the animals, of course – only smellier and slimier.
8) King Abbad used the skulls as flower-pots.
9) Montezuma had a nephew called Cuitlahac, which means ‘Piles of poo’.
10) The camels were trained to walk in alphabetical order.