Top of the tots
Rulers were often the children of the previous ruler. So here’s a top tip for tots:
Make sure your mum or dad is a ruler and you can have a quick trip to the throne.
This is rather like playing Snakes and Ladders. You can zip up the ladders, but you have to watch out for the snakes!
Tartar conqueror Tamerlane the Great (1336–1405)
Tamerlane’s family was related to the mighty Genghis Khan – which is a good start in life.
But Tamerlane himself was meant to be a ruthless ruler from the second he was born.
How did his family know? Because baby Tamerlane was born with blood-filled hands. A deadly sign.
Sure enough, his hands were steeped in blood for the rest of his life.
When he invaded India he massacred 100,000 Hindu prisoners in Delhi. Why? Because it was too much trouble to feed them and guard them.
Then he entered the city and killed another 100,000!
Think of all those corpses! It would have been easier to feed them than to bury them.
Prince Fritz of Prussia (1712–1786)
Fritz’s father, King Frederick William I, decided he wanted his son to grow up tough. So:
• Baby Fritz was woken each morning by the firing of a cannon.
• When he was six he was given his own army of children to lead.
• When he was seven they were given guns.
• Young Fritz was beaten for falling off a horse.
• He was whipped for wearing gloves on a cold day.
King Frederick William wrote down orders for Fritz’s teachers.
If you think that’s a bit like a prison or a school then that’s what Fritz thought, too.
Sometimes his dangerous dad would grab him by the throat and throw him on to the ground. Fritz told his sister:
Fritz grew up to be Frederick the Great – which just goes to show … something.
Princess Catalina of Spain (1507–1525)
Princess Catalina’s dad died before she was born. Her mum (Juana of Spain) was sure that Catalina’s baby babble was the dead dad talking through the child!
The only fun the little girl had was looking out of a window. Juana guarded baby Catalina jealously. She made her live and sleep in her own room. She saw no one but her mother and two servants.
It was like a baby prison, and not very healthy. At the age of ten Catalina was still living in a tower with her sad mother. The princess didn’t wear silk gowns; she wore a sheepskin jacket.
She didn’t eat fine feasts; she shared her mother’s bread and cheese. Catalina died at the age of 18.
She was probably happy to go.
Princess Kristina of Sweden (1599–1655)
Kristina was the daughter of King Gustavus Adolphus II of Sweden.
Before she was born a fortune-teller said:
Kristina was born covered in woolly hair – a fleece – which covered her from head to knees. All you could see was the face, arms and lower legs. The doctors told the smiling king:
Then they discovered it was a girl. No one dared to tell the King. So they just handed the baby to him and let him find out for himself.
He wasn’t angry. He just said:
The Queen, Maria Eleonore, was not so happy. She ranted and screamed.
Poor baby Kristina suffered from her mother’s hatred. She had lots of accidents as a child – a large plank fell on her cradle and she fell down stairs. Kristina was dropped on a stone floor and crushed her shoulder.
But the nastiest little horror happened when the King died.
Did you know…?
You may think royal princes had a tough childhood. But at least they had a childhood.
In the 1600s, sultans of the Ottoman Empire were worried that their children would grow up and take their thrones. So what did they do with their children?
a) Sent them to live with peasants
b) Killed them
c) Ate them
Answers: After 1607 the princesses’ children were usually killed at birth.
Tsar Ivan VI of Russia (1740–1764)
Now you’ve met some little leaders you should be able to work out the terrible truth for yourself about someone like Ivan VI. So here are his details with the numbers missing. Just fill in the blanks.
Clues:
The numbers (in the wrong order) are: 2, 2, 4, 5, 13, 20, 22, 23, 27 and 64.
The dates above will also help.
Ivan VI was the great-grandson of simple-minded Ivan V of Russia. So he had no chance.
When he was aged ( ) months he was made Emperor. Ernst Johann Béhren, the Duke of Courland, was the real ruler, though.
Evil Ernst was so unpopular he only lasted ( ) days. Baby Ivan’s mother, Anna Leopoldovna, took control.
But baby Ivan only ruled for ( ) months. He and his mum were locked away. This did not prevent Ivan’s mum having ( ) more babies. But she died at the age of ( ).
Poor little Ivan was placed under strong guard in an island fortress, Schlüsselburg, for ( ) years. He saw no family and little sunlight. He was dressed in rags and frequently went hungry. His drunken guards often beat him.
Catherine the Great visited Ivan and found he was witless. Then in 17 ( ) a soldier tried to rescue him. The guards assassinated Ivan. This meant that Catherine had murdered ( ) tsars.
Answers: (5); (2); (22); (13); (4); (27); (20); (64); (2); (23)
The Horrible Histories brainometer says that if you got ten out of ten you probably cheated. If you got four or less you are probably the great-grandchild of a simple-minded tsar.
Don Carlos of Spain (1545–1568)
Little Carlos had brain damage, and that probably made him violent.
If you did some of the things he did then you’d be stopped. But Carlos was a ruler so they let him get away with:
• torturing little girls and servants
• going into the palace stables and carving the horses so badly that twenty of them had to be put down
• roasting small animals alive, especially hares
• biting the head off a ring-snake
When he grew up he was no better. He:
• tried to throw a servant out of a palace window
• forced a shoemaker to eat a pair of boots that were badly made
As Don Carlos didn’t say:
In 1562 Don Carlos fell down a stairwell in the dark and gashed his head horribly.
It swelled and swelled like a pumpkin and he went blind.
The doctors cut holes in his head, but that didn’t help. Then some monks brought a precious ‘relic’ from their monastery – the mummy of a saint who had died 100 years before. The mummy was put in bed with the sick prince – yeuch!
That night Carlos dreamed of the saint and, believe it or not, he started to get better.
Cruel Carlos was such a nuisance that eventually he was locked away in a tower, and there he died.
Some people said his father had him poisoned.
King Erik XIV of Sweden (1533–1577)
Erik’s father, Gustavus Vasa, was another deadly dad. When his daughter Cecile made him angry, he grabbed her hair and tore it out by the roots.
Cecile died young (and probably bald). It was said that violent Gustavus had killed her in a rage.
And you thought detention was bad?
Erik was as potty as his pa. Some people must have been glad when they read of his death.
The Palace at Stockholm said today that King Erik is dead. Our crackpot King was as daft as his dad, Gustavus. People of Sweden can whisper again! That’s right, Erik was worried about people talking behind his back, so whisperers were whittled down with his sword. Someone who coughed at the wrong moment was accused of plotting – the cough was a signal, he said. And that was just part of his cruel rule.
He started ruling back in 1560 and soon showed his nasty side. Two guards annoyed him so he had them executed. His own brother, John, was thrown in jail for the crime of getting married, and his trusty servants were put to the sword.
Top minister Nils Sture’s family was locked up in Uppsala Castle, on charges of treason. On 24 May 1566 Evil Erik said he wanted to visit Nils and forgive him. But the King didn’t say a word – just stabbed him to death. Then he ran from the castle, ordering the guards to kill all the prisoners.
Of course Erik gave Nils a great funeral.
Now it’s Erik’s funeral. He was pushed from the palace by brother John and sent to Örbyhus Castle, where he died earlier today.
A spokesman for King John told our reporter that Erik was not poisoned. Our reporter said that poison was found in the body. The spokesman said, ‘Er well, I don’t know how that got there, I’m sure. Someone must have made a mistake.’
John becomes King John III. The Swedish Sun wishes his majesty a long and happy reign. Long live the King! (The new King, that is, not the old one who cannot live long as he’s dead.)
Erik certainly was poisoned. That’s little brothers for you. A right nuisance.
Horrible howlers
Schools have always taught pupils about Rotten Rulers.
But did the pupils really learn much?
They sometimes get things a little bit mixed up. You know the sort of thing – Joan of Arc was Noah’s sister.
Or when the teacher asks a question he gets the wrong answer.
Here are some examples of real mistakes that have been made in English schools.
