Holy horrors
The top ruler of all has to be God, of course.
Being a ruler he can be as rotten as the rest. The God of the Bible sent a flood to drown everything in the world (except Noah’s family and a couple of every animal). You don’t get much more rotten than that.
God also had his favourite pet peoples. He sent plagues of frogs and locusts and germs to attack their enemies. He is still sending us plagues of things like traffic wardens and American tourists.8
It is no surprise that a lot of rulers start to think they are gods. Of course, that must upset God a bit, so he lets them get away with it for a while before he crushes them like a hedgehog under a 10-ton truck. But for a while these holy horrors can bring misery to millions.
Maharajah Jai Singh of Alwar in India (1892–1937)
This mad maharajah believed he was the god Rama. He spent a lot of time working out how big Rama’s crown should be so he could have a copy made.
Rama was a kind and loving god, the maharajah was not.
He:
• lost a polo match, so he took his polo pony, soaked it in petrol and set fire to it
• loved hunting tigers; to get the tigers into the open he used babies for bait – he told the mothers:
He also:
• liked to tie boys to the back of an ox cart and watch as they were dragged through the village
• enjoyed shooting at pet dogs
• thought he was greater than the King of Britain – well, a god is greater than the King of Britain. The maharajah refused to take his gloves off when he shook hands with the King – a huge insult.
In the end the British Army threw the maharajah out of India. His punishment? He had to live in Paris with only 20 servants to care for him. Poor, sad god – not as poor or sad as the flaming pony, of course.
Benito Mussolini of Italy (1883–1945)
Benito was a mate of Adolf Hitler and nearly as nasty.
The greatest hero in Roman legend was Hercules – a super-strong god. Mussolini decided to have a statue of himself built. He ordered a statue of himself dressed as Hercules.
The statue was to be 80 metres tall – even mighty Hercules wasn’t that big!
President Papa Doc Duvalier of Haiti (1907–1971)
General Blucher Philogenes led a revolt against President Papa Doc Duvalier in 1963. The revolt failed and Philogenes was beheaded.
But that was not the end of his story. Papa Doc didn’t think he was a god, but he used god-like ‘magical powers’ to help him to run the country. He was into voodoo magic.
Duvalier ruled with the help of a gang of murdering thugs. They were called the ‘Tonton Macoute’.
‘The who?’ I hear you ask.
Well, little Haitian children believed in a sort of Santa Claus. They called him ‘Uncle Tonton’ and thought he brought them presents at Christmas.
But if children were naughty they thought they would be snatched by the evil uncle and stuffed in his sack – Tonton Macoute was the evil ‘Uncle Sack’.
That was the name given to the murder gangs. Their job was to look after Papa Doc at all costs.
For some reason they all had to wear sunglasses.
The Tonton Macoute banned the boy scouts because some scouts once wrote ‘Down with Doc’ on a wall. Anyone in the scouts was punished by death.
They hanged their victims in public to terrify the people.
President Kim Il Sung of North Korean (1912–1994)
Who is the President of North Korea? Kim Il Sung – even though he died in 1994.
Who will be president of Korea 100 years from now? Kim Il Sung. He is president for ever.
How can a dead man still be president? Easy. He is a god. At least, that’s what the Koreans believe.
Kim led them to freedom from Japanese rule in the 1940s and he became a sort of superhero. Here’s how to make yourself a god:
During Kim’s rule, three million people died from war and famine – but that’s not his fault, is it?
Emperor Domitian of Rome (ruled AD 81–96)
Domitian was a quite decent man at first – well, compared to other Roman Emperors, that is.
Sadly, in his later years he became a proper prawn.
He began to think of himself as a god and made a new rule…
He then had gold statues of himself sent to all parts of the Empire.
Did you know…?
1 Villagers in the New Hebrides Islands (in the Pacific Ocean) worship the Duke of Edinburgh (husband of Queen Elizabeth II).
They think that one day he will cure them of every sickness and they will live for ever.
Won’t they be disappointed when they are nailed down in their coffins?
2 Kings and Queens often have holy water sprinkled on their heads when they are crowned. This is a blessing from God. King Henry Cristophe of Northern Haiti in the 1700s was blessed with chocolate syrup.
Gooey.
A potted history of popes
Sometimes religious leaders are also rotten rulers. Popes are the leaders of the Catholic Church and for hundreds of years they ruled over the powerful papal states. They are God’s representatives on Earth and are supposed to be good men. They weren’t always, though.
• Pope Damasus (AD 366–384) got the job by sending his thugs to beat his rival to death. They also murdered the man’s friends. It worked.
• Pope John XII (AD 955–963) didn’t believe in God. He enjoyed worshipping the Devil. He was beaten to death by a hammer – probably by a friend of God.
• Pope Stephen VII (AD 896–897) had the corpse of Pope Formosus dug up and put on trial. A pope raises three fingers to bless people – these fingers were cut off the corpse before it was thrown into the river.
• Pope John XIII (AD 965–972) liked a Roman statue of Emperor Marcus Aurelius on a horse. The Pope used the statue to hang one of his enemies by the hair. John XIII was later battered to death.
• Pope Gregory VII (1073–85) was a midget who tried to ban Christians from reading the Bible. He said that reading the Bible might start them thinking. And, as you know, thinking is a bad thing. Don’t do it.
• Pope Boniface VIII (1294–1305) locked up Pope Celestine V and left him to starve to death. It was said Boniface later killed himself and his body was dug up by Pope Clement V and burned.
• Pope Alexander VI (1492–1503) started his criminal career very young. He murdered someone when he was just 12 years old. Alexander’s son tried to poison a couple of priests at a dinner. Alexander drank the poison by mistake and died. Oooops!
• Pope Paul III (1534–1549) had an argument with a Polish bishop about religion. The Pope won the argument by poisoning the bishop.
Did you know…?
Pope Adrian IV (1100–1159) was the only Englishman ever to rule the Catholic Church. He was also the only one to die in this horrible way. What way did God decide to polish off his prime priest?
a) Adrian choked when he swallowed a fly.
b) Adrian’s head was crushed when a dead albatross fell from the sky.
c) Adrian was bitten on the bot by a Sydney Funnel-Web Spider that was hiding under his toilet seat.
Answer: a) Adrian was born Nicholas Breakspear in 1100. He died in 1159 after swallowing a fly, which probably served him right for going around with his mouth open. Let that be a Horrible Histories lesson to you. Don’t do it.
The Grand Lama of Tibet (since 1578)
This man was so holy that every bit of him had the power of a god – even his poo and his pee.
His followers wore lumps of his dried poo around their necks. They mixed his pee with their food. They thought it would make women love them.
Li Chih-ch’ang (died 1227)
Li Chih-ch’ang was a Buddhist leader. There are two stories told about his death. His friends said:
But his enemies told a different tale – and probably the truth!
