8

1965

While everyone else in her class grew more excited with the approach of graduation, Carolyn dreaded it. It meant she would have to leave home. She didn’t have any great desire to go to college, but it seemed to be what everyone expected of her.

Oma made calls and fanned out university and state college brochures and application forms on the kitchen table. “War or not, the world goes on, Carolyn, and you have to make plans.” UC Berkeley was close. She could come home on weekends. So she applied there, for Oma’s sake, as well as Chabot junior college and Heald College in Hayward.

Dad seemed stunned when Carolyn was accepted at Berkeley. Oma asked why, for goodness’ sake. “Did you think your daughter was stupid?”

Her brother came home for her graduation. It passed in a blur. Dad took pictures. Mom made a nice dinner. Oma decorated a cake. Carolyn received cards of congratulations and money from Uncle Bernie and Aunt Elizabeth, Aunt Clotilde, and Aunt Rikka. Charlie grew restless. He wanted to go into town and see friends, although most of them had gone elsewhere for the summer. Dad asked if he ever heard from Mitch Hastings. Charlie said they talked. Mitch’s mom had died of cancer, and his dad had moved to Florida and remarried. Mitch had made the Ohio State team, second-string. Mitch wouldn’t be coming back to Paxtown anytime soon, if ever.

Carolyn felt a pang of disappointment. She supposed it was silly to wish Mitch Hastings might come home someday and see her as someone other than Charlie’s kid sister.

“What do you say we take a ride, Sis?”

Mom told them to go ahead and have some fun.

They drove into town. Charlie said he was proud of her. She had received an award for being on the honor roll every semester since freshman year. “Why so glum?”

“Just scared, I guess.”

“Scared of what?”

“Whether I can make it or not.”

“You’ll make it.” Charlie drove from the high school to the end of Main Street, turned around, and came back. He honked and waved at people he knew. Everyone remembered her brother. He talked about college friends and professors, classes and football games, beer busts and pretty sorority girls. Charlie, so full of confidence, afraid of nothing.

“I’m amazed Dad agreed to send you to Berkeley. It’s a hotbed of subversives!”

“He was always after you to go.”

“Yeah, well, you’re another story. It doesn’t seem like a good fit for you. USC is hard enough, even for a coddled football player. But Berkeley! Man, that place has a reputation for chewing people up and spitting them out.”

“Oma talked me into it.”

He laughed. “You’re going to like living in another universe, Carolyn.” He honked at someone else and waved before giving her a quick glance. “Just don’t turn into a hippy.”

“You’re the one letting your hair grow.” Dad had made more than one comment about it over the last few days. “How do you get away with it? I thought you had to keep it short for football.”

Charlie scowled. He didn’t answer immediately. “Football’s something else that chews you up and spits you out. Seems like a stupid waste of time when you consider all the guys going to Vietnam and dying to protect our freedom.”

Her body tightened. She stared at him. He gave her a quick glance, an odd look on his face. “Mitch joined the Marine Corps. Did I tell you that?”

Her heart sank. “You said he was playing football for Ohio State.”

“He was. He quit.”

Her heart started pounding. She kept looking at Charlie. “I hope the war ends before you finish college.”

“It won’t.” He stared straight ahead. Someone honked. He didn’t notice this time.

“I hope you don’t get drafted.”

“I won’t get drafted, Carolyn.”

She clenched her hands at the assurance in his tone. “Don’t enlist, Charlie. Please, don’t even think about enlisting.”

“I already did.”

She put her hands over her ears. “No, you didn’t! Don’t tell me you did! Don’t!”

Charlie turned off at the end of Main Street and took the road past the fairgrounds, out to the road along the hills. “Take it easy.”

Take it easy? Take it easy! She couldn’t catch her breath.

“Someone has to go. Why not me? Why is it always someone else who has to do the dirty work? You’re going to have to help me break the news to Mom and Dad.”

When she tried to open the car door, he yanked her back. “What are you doing? Are you crazy?” Swerving to the side of the road, Charlie slammed on the brakes. “Are you trying to get us both killed?”

“You’re the one who’s going to get killed!” Sobbing, she jerked herself free, scrambled out of the car, and ran.

Charlie caught up with her. “Carolyn!” He pulled her around and locked his arms around her. “Hey. I didn’t think you’d take it like this.”

She felt half-smothered against his USC jacket. She clung to it, burying her face in his chest. “I don’t want you to go, Charlie. Don’t go. Please don’t go.”

“It’s too late to change my mind, even if I wanted to, which I don’t.”

She hadn’t heard the worst of it yet.

“The Marine Corps?” Dad turned ghastly white. “The Marine Corps?”

Charlie looked confident. “Why not be among the best of the best?”

“Why did you do it?” Dad swore. “Because Mitch Hastings joined up?”

“No, Dad. I can think for myself. I’m doing it to serve my country.” He sounded angry. “I thought you, of all people, would understand.” He looked from Dad to Mom and gave a nervous laugh. “You raised me to be a patriot, didn’t you? You’ve been talking about what it means to be an American for as long as I can remember. You served. Why shouldn’t I?”

“I was a medic, Charlie! We went in after the damage was done, to clean up the mess. The Marines are always the first in, the first up the beach!” His voice broke.

Mom covered her face and wept.

Charlie looked embarrassed. “I’ll be okay.”

“Yeah. Every young man thinks he’s going to be okay. You signed up to be cannon fodder!” Dad shoved his chair back and left the table. Mom looked at Charlie, tried to speak. Nothing came out.

“I’m doing the right thing, Mom.”

Her mouth trembled. “It’s not a football game, Charlie.”

Charlie’s face tightened. “Do you think I don’t know that?”

“Why didn’t you discuss this with us first?”

“I don’t need your permission. It’s my life. It’s my decision.” His defiance melted when Mom started to cry again. “Mom . . .” He reached out to her. She got up and headed for the bedroom.

Charlie pushed his chair back and gave Carolyn an apologetic look. “I’ve got to get out of here.” He glanced toward the back of the house. “I wish they’d stop thinking of me as their little boy.”

“Can I go with you?”

“Not this time. Okay? I’m supposed to meet a couple of the guys at the Gay 90s.”

Carolyn sat at the table alone, listening to Charlie’s red Impala speed down the gravel driveway. She wished she could run, too. She wished she could take off and go hang out with friends who would understand what she was feeling, maybe help her make some kind of sense out of the world.

She went to the cottage. Oma turned off the television and patted the space beside her on the sofa.

“Charlie’s enlisted in the Marine Corps.”

Oma let out a deep breath. “I knew he’d done something. He looked different.”

Carolyn put her head in Oma’s lap and wept. “I don’t want him to go.”

Oma stroked her hair. “It’s not your choice, Liebling. All you can do is live your life and let Charlie live his.” She rested her hand on Carolyn’s head. “It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn over the years.”

“I’m going to worry about him every day.”

“No. You’re going to go to the university and study and meet interesting people. You’re going to make dreams for yourself. You’ll be so busy you won’t have time to fret.”

“They’ll send him to Vietnam.”

“We don’t know that yet.”

“They will, Oma.”

“Then we’ll pray. We’ll get everyone in the church and all our relatives and friends praying, too. And we’ll write letters to him so he knows we love him. Sometimes that’s all you can do, Carolyn. Love people for who they are, pray, and leave them in God’s hands.”

Carolyn wasn’t sure she could trust God. After all, God hadn’t done anything to protect her from Dock.