When I wake up, Carrie is gone – her bed unmade, rumpled clothes tossed in the corner next to her rucksack, which is spilling its contents over the bunk – as if she has dressed and left in a hurry. I’d spent most of the night lying here, watching her. She was a restless sleeper, maybe more so because of the train than the alcohol, and part of me was watching to make sure she didn’t throw up and choke to death in her sleep.
But mostly I was watching her because I like watching her.
I know I’ve become a bit obsessed, and I think I should pull back a bit – but she seemed to be enjoying our friendship and getting closer. Maybe I’ve misinterpreted her, but I don’t think so. I am usually good at knowing if someone likes me or not. I know that Michael did, and Sam – until things went wrong. But when relationships are so intense, things do go wrong – I realise that. I just don’t want to blow it with Carrie.
I decide to leave her to it for a bit, wherever she might be.
I sit up in the bunk and pick up my phone from where it’s been charging on the small table beside me. I open Facebook and have a scroll through my feed, but there’s nothing much of interest on there. I don’t have enough friends for it to be particularly interesting, preferring instead to look at individual profiles, especially those who have everything set to ‘public’ – which is a surprising number of people, despite all the warnings about online safety. Sometimes I send random friend requests, if I find someone intriguing, but I usually delete them before they get accepted or ignored. I’d prefer not to be rejected, but also I prefer not to have them question why I am sending the request. I have had that a few times. I’ve learned my lesson.
I check a couple of my usual profiles, but nothing much is happening. Maybe because of the time-zone differences, I’m missing out on the new stuff. I consider ignoring him, but I know I can’t stop myself looking at Sam’s profile for updates.
He’s at a street market. Him and two of those German lads, gurning, grimacing faces holding insects up to their mouths. I click on a video clip and watch one of the Germans eating a live cockroach, his face joyous at first and then a look of sheer horror, before he turns away from the camera and vomits, while the others laugh. I don’t think it’s funny. I stab a finger on the app, shutting it down. I should delete Facebook from my phone. It really doesn’t make me feel good.
I get dressed in a pair of leggings and a long T-shirt, tie my hair back with a band, and then I set about tidying Carrie’s stuff. I sort and fold the clothes that have spilled out of her bag, and when I see anything that takes my fancy, I hold it against myself and check my reflection in the window. It’s not the best, with the train moving quite fast and the background colours changing so quickly, but it’s enough. I open each of the side pockets of her rucksack and have a quick rummage inside, but there’s nothing too exciting. I was hoping for maybe a notebook or a diary, but she seems to store all of her information on her laptop, and she always has that with her. I might ask to borrow it later – tell her I’d like to write some proper emails. She’d hardly believe that I literally have no one to send any emails to.
Eventually I get bored being on my own, and it’s clear that Carrie is not coming back, so I push her rucksack over to the far side of her bed, the neatly stacked clothes lined up beside it. It doesn’t look like I’ve been snooping, and she can hardly complain about my folding her clothes. I open her toiletries bag and take out her deodorant – a roll-on – and use it to freshen up under my arms, then I take a squirt of her toothpaste and rub it over my teeth. It’ll do for now.
I hear her voice before I even get to the dining car – laughing loudly, regaling with an anecdote. Just like in UB, in the Irish Bar – playing to the crowd. I paste a smile onto my face and walk in to the carriage.
‘There you are,’ I say, forcing a jolly, carefree tone into my voice – one that I definitely don’t feel. ‘Thought you’d jumped off.’ I laugh.
She swivels round in her seat, and I see the laptop on front of her, closed, a glass of clear liquid beside her. Is she drinking again? Stupidly, I’d thought we could spend some time together today, catching up, but I see that she’s already making her own entertainment.
A young couple are sitting opposite her, and they smile when they see me.
‘V! Come and meet Jared and Leia. They’ve been travelling for six months – can you believe it?’
Jared and Leia look like the type of know-it-all travellers that I’ve spent my entire trip avoiding – and I’ve been travelling a lot longer than six months.
‘Oh hey,’ says Jared. He holds up his fingers in a peace sign, and I want to punch him in the face.
‘Carrie says you’re from Nottingham,’ Leia chimes in. ‘Guess what? We’re from Nottingham, too! What school did you go to?’ She peers up at me through her too-long fringe. It makes her look like Dougal from The Magic Roundabout. I want to grab it and yank it off.
‘Oh I didn’t go to school there,’ I say. ‘Besides, I’m a few years older than you two, I think.’
‘No way,’ Jared says. ‘You look like our age, if that. I guess we’re a bit weather-beaten though, right? You know, when we were in Bali, we—’
‘What’s everyone drinking? Shall I get us another?’ I walk across to the bar, trying hard not to look at Jared or Leia so that I don’t feel the urge to grab both of their stupid heads and smash them together until they break. ‘I’ll just nip to the toilet first,’ I say, and I keep walking, past the bar, and the grumpy barmaid, and through the next set of connecting doors – where I slide the window down and stick my face out into the fresh air. I close my eyes and try to slow my breathing, feeling my heart rate gradually return to normal. I haven’t felt this level of rage for a while, and I need to be careful. A moving train, several hours from its next stop, is not the place for me to lose my shit. If Carrie wants to spend the day hanging with those two losers then I’ll just have to let her.
I decide to steer clear, by walking the length of the train, seeing if there’s anything more interesting to do, but after a couple of carriages of being buffeted back and forth, I lose patience and head back.
When I get back to the table, there’s a bottle of vodka sitting on it. Four glasses, three of them half filled. There’s a plate piled high with cream-cheese blinis, and I feel a roll of hunger in my stomach.
Fuck it.
‘Oh you’re back,’ Carrie says, winking across at the couple. ‘We wondered if you’d got to the end of the train and fallen off.’ They all laugh, clearly pleased with themselves for twisting my own attempt at humour back at me.
‘Pour us some, then,’ I say, sliding into the seat next to Carrie, nudging her until she moves up closer to the window. I grab two blinis and sandwich them together and shove them into my mouth. ‘God, I am starving. When did we last eat?’
‘Eating’s cheating,’ Leia says, in her distinctly non-Nottingham accent. I think these two went to private school and that’s what they were trying to catch me out on. Idiots. I went to private school too. One of the most exclusive in the country. Thinking about it now, I have no idea why I lied to Carrie about Nottingham, of all places. I’m not even sure I’ve been there.
I pour a large measure of vodka into my glass and raise it briefly before knocking it back and refilling it. ‘Damn right it’s cheating. Let’s get on with this, eh?’
Carrie turns to me, amused. ‘Get on with what, exactly?’
‘We’re going to play a game, aren’t we?’
‘Oh yes,’ Leia says, clapping her hands. ‘Let’s play “Would You Rather?”’
I slam my glass down on the table and Jared flinches. ‘Bo-Ring.’
Carrie downs her own drink, then refills mine and hers. ‘I think “Never Have I Ever” is more what you’re after, V? Yeah?’
I turn to her and smile. ‘Yeah.’ Then we both turn to Jared and Leia, and I feel that frisson of connection with Carrie again, and it tingles right down to the pit of my stomach.
‘I’ll start,’ Carrie says, grinning. ‘Never have I ever … stolen something valuable.’
Jared and Leia give each other a look, and then Leia gives Jared a small shrug, and they both take a drink.
‘Oooh,’ Carrie says. ‘Go on, then, spill!’
‘Well,’ Jared says, ‘I’m not sure if it was truly valuable or not, but … when we went to Easter Island, we both picked up some pieces of crumbled rock from the base of one of the statues…’ He goes bright red, and I realise that he truly believes he has done something awful. I want to wind him up, but Leia is shifting uncomfortably, and I decide to leave it.
‘Naughty,’ Carrie says. ‘I hope you’re not cursed.’ She laughs, before turning to me. ‘Got to say, V, I am not at all shocked at you not drinking. Proper goody-two-shoes, aren’t you?’ She winks, and I give her a half-smirk. We both know that’s not true.
‘Me next,’ Jared says. ‘I’ve got an excellent one.’
I bet it isn’t.
‘Never have I ever … had sex with more than one person at the same time.’ He grins, ridiculously pleased with himself, but his face falls as neither me nor Carrie lifts a glass – but Leia does, and goes even redder than he did before.
‘Leia,’ I say, cocking my head to the side in faux wonderment. ‘Aren’t you a dark horse.’
Jared is staring at Leia with a strange mixture of lust and revulsion. ‘Lee-Lee?’ he says.
She shakes her head. Then barks out a laugh that is obviously fake. ‘Just kidding. I’ll take another drink to make up for it.’
Carrie side-eyes me and I smirk again. That pair are going to have some interesting discussions back in their cabin tonight. ‘Right. I’ll go. Never have I ever … bullied someone at school.’
Jared and Leia both let out sighs of relief. Of course they haven’t. I turn to Carrie, ‘Bugger, I’m going to have to drink and then pick another question now, aren’t I?’
She slowly shakes her head, then takes a sip. ‘It was a long time ago. I’m not proud of it. We all did it.’ She takes another sip. ‘Apparently he’s not a very nice person now, but that doesn’t mean it was OK.’
The table falls silent. Even the barmaid, who has been chattering quietly to a man perched on a bar stool, stops talking and glances over. I don’t think she has heard us, but she has sensed the atmosphere. There’s nothing but the sound of the train hurtling along the tracks. Badum. Badum.
Leia lets out a nervous giggle. ‘Oh come on, we all did stupid things when we were kids, right? I know I did.’
I don’t believe her, but I appreciate her attempt to lighten the mood.
‘Let’s all drink,’ Jared chimes in. ‘Because we were all little buggers once upon a time.’
I lean in closer to Carrie, lay a hand on her knee and give it a little squeeze. She jumps, knocking her knee against the table, and all the glasses jilt and roll and we all grab them, and the tension is gone.
‘Fucksake,’ she mutters. She holds up her glass. ‘Cheers. Down the hatch.’
We all drain our drinks, and Jared refills them, and we carry on – playing more fun questions for a while. Never have I ever … pissed behind a bin; told someone a lie about their new haircut; borrowed someone’s something and lost it; given someone a fake phone number; cheated in an exam.
The day fades to dusk, and we’re on the second bottle, when the questions take a darker turn once more.
‘My turn,’ Leia slurs. ‘Never have I ever … had sex with someone of the same gender…’
Carrie snorts. ‘Hang on – that means your threesome was with two blokes? Did they get it on with each other, or did they both just do you?
Leia shakes her head and laughs. ‘I told you. That was just a joke.’
‘Yeah, right,’ I mutter. I turn to Carrie. ‘I’m not really sure if I should be drinking right now or not … I’ll need to follow your lead.’
‘Wait, what … you two?’ Jared perks up at my hinted confession, even though I haven’t drunk anything yet. Why do men do this? What happened between Carrie and me was for us. Not for someone else’s entertainment.
Leia looks pale, and I suspect there is a lot she’s done that Jared knows nothing about.
‘How long have you two been together?’ I ask, taking a sip of my drink and trying to make it vague as to whether I am still playing the game or not.
‘Since we were sixteen,’ Jared says, his voice a mixture of smugness and pride. ‘We went to different unis, but we met up every couple of weeks and we were both totally faithful … weren’t we babe?’ He turns to Leia, who shrugs. Her eyes are glazed and she is swaying slightly in her seat, despite the train being relatively smooth at this point.
‘Course,’ she says.
She won’t meet his eye, and I can see that he is hurt, but he’s also too scared to probe further. This is not something he is going to benefit from digging into.
‘I’m bored with this game,’ Carrie says, pouring more vodka into her glass. She fills it to the brim and a bit slops over the side. ‘Oops.’ She turns to me. ‘Let’s talk about our exes. Tell them about Sam.’
I shake my head. ‘I don’t want to talk about Sam.’
Carrie laughs. ‘You never do, V. In fact, despite the fact that you claim to be checking his Facebook fifty times a day, I’m not entirely sure that he exists.’
A rush of anger heats my cheeks. ‘Why would I make it up?’
Leia and Jared are ignoring her. They’re leaning in close, Jared whispering something to Leia that we can’t hear, and she is looking increasingly uncomfortable. Serves them right for trying to play drinking games with the big boys. I’m intrigued about why Leia has chosen to start confessing her sins right now, though. Perhaps their perfect relationship isn’t quite so perfect after all.
‘Can I get out please, Violet? I’m going for a walk.’
I slide out of the booth seat and Carrie comes out after me. ‘Where are you going?’ I say as she wobbles down the aisle. ‘Should I wait here for you?’
‘Do what you want,’ she calls back.
‘We’re crossing the border soon, aren’t we? Don’t we need to be in our rooms for the customs inspection?
She ignores me, and disappears out through the sliding doors. When I turn back to the table, Jared and Leia are gone, the door on the far side of the bar slides shut, and I’m alone.
Again.