Paige had a habit of looking around as she locked up the café, which is how she saw Josh coming. He was clearly lost in thought, a bulky pair of headphones covering his ears. She probably could have slipped into one of the stores on the block and avoided him entirely. Instead, she paused with her hand on the door handle for a long moment, and when she moved again, he was right there.
He said her name.
“Hi,” she said. “I was just locking up.”
“I’m having dinner with Lauren and Caleb.” He glanced at his watch. “I’m early for a change.”
For days, Paige had been wallowing in her regrets and wondering if a moment like this would ever come to pass and what she would say. It was inevitable they’d run into each other again, she just hadn’t expected it to happen so soon. Part of her wanted to plead with him to take her back, but she refrained. “How are you?”
“Fine. Busy. The same. You?” Josh’s body was stiff, his shoulders raised.
“I’m all right.”
Josh suddenly laughed and shook his head. “Can we, I don’t know, call a truce? Given that you and my sister are close friends, I think the odds of us running into each other remain high, and as much fun as this awkwardness is, I’d really rather we can talk to each other like people who aren’t creepy strangers.”
Paige felt some of the tension seep out of her body. “Yes, all right.”
“Cool. So, like, how are you, really?”
Not really sure what he wanted to hear, Paige said, “I am fine. We did another edition of Crafts and Cats on Sunday that ended up being a big hit.”
“Cool, cool. I’m on a case at work that I actually find interesting. I’m helping the city go after an evil corporation instead of defending one this time.”
“That’s great.”
“And Caleb is making some Middle Eastern dish tonight with a name I can’t remember or likely pronounce, but that’s still pretty exciting.” Josh smiled.
Paige was surprised to find her heart pounding. Being this close to Josh and having what amounted to a fairly normal conversation was like the worst temptation. But instead of dropping to her knees and begging him to take her back, she said, “I lived in Dubai for a while.”
“Oh, right. They probably have a lot of Middle Eastern food there.”
“They do, but there are a lot of American expats in Dubai, so they have pretty much anything you’d want.”
They both stood there silently for a while, so clearly they had not found the key to unlocking the awkwardness.
She sighed. “I’m so sorry about…everything. I miss you, for what it’s worth.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I miss you, too.”
And then she decided to be honest. “I’m still thinking through some things. I just… I realized that I have some things I have to figure out for myself. But I hope that you and I can be friends.”
He slid his headphones into the tote bag he had around his shoulder, probably for something to do with his hands. “Breakup still on, in other words.” He looked up and had a rueful smile on his face.
“Yeah. I’m sorry. Again.”
“It’s okay. Some things were not meant to be.”
In that moment, Paige could think of no good reason for that to be the case, except that something just…didn’t feel quite right. She was being a coward, she knew.
“It’s good to know, though,” said Josh, “that when Lauren throws her annual New Year’s party, something I’ve been hearing about for many years but never been able to attend, that I’ll at least be able to say hi to you and ask about work.”
“Sure.”
“So you’ll tell me some story about a cat named after some literary heroine, and it will be unspeakably adorable, and I’ll laugh. And I’ll complain about work to you, because even though I know it’s not one of my more endearing traits, it’s what I think about most of the time. And we’ll have some wine and smile like our hearts aren’t breaking and give each other a peck at midnight, and everything will be fine.”
“Josh.” Lord. Her heart was breaking now. The sadness in Josh’s voice was hard to reconcile.
This was on Paige and she knew it. He still cared about her, but she knew, given what he went through with Megan, that he needed someone willing to fight for him, willing to stick with him through challenging times, he needed someone willing to go all in on the relationship, and she was not convinced she was that person, not when the idea of giving herself to another person, of shaking up her life so much, made her nauseous.
He shot her a lopsided smile. “It’ll get easier with time. And, hey, it’s probably for the best, right? I don’t know why I thought I had any business trying to maintain a relationship during my first year as an associate.”
“That’s not…” But Paige didn’t want to get into a whole discussion right now. “Is it too much of a cliché to say it’s not you, it’s me?”
Josh barked out a laugh. “Well, look. If you think things through and you decide that maybe you’d be willing to give it a go with me again, you know where to find me.”
Why did he have to be so charming and cute? “You’ll be my first call.”
He laughed again. “I hope so. I better get to this big Middle Eastern dish before it gets cold. I’ll see you around, Paige.” Then he pulled out a key and went into the residential part of the building.
Once he was gone, Paige leaned against the Cat Café’s front window.
What was she doing?
Her whole life, Paige had always been the practical one. The one who had her shit together. She’d gotten good grades in school, she’d played two sports, she’d gotten into a good college. When she’d gotten that first job out of college, she’d been so good at it that she could retire now if she really wanted to.
But she didn’t have her shit together. Not really. She applied logic and reason to work, and she’d tried to impose them on love, too.
Business wasn’t even entirely rational. If she needed to put on a conference, she toured hotels and convention centers and let the staff wine and dine her and offer her anything she could possibly want for her event. When she found the right place, she got this gut feeling. There was nothing rational about a gut feeling, but in a moment, she could see exactly how everything would play out. She knew she was in control. And she’d been assuming that if she let enough guys wine and dine her, she’d get a similar gut feeling about one, and that would be the guy she married.
She was good at work but not at love. She kept looking at romantic relationships like a problem to be solved, like she could just collect data and put it in a spreadsheet and some back-end code would tell her the answer.
Behind everything Paige was feeling was some old vision she had of how her life would play out. When she’d settled back in New York, she’d expected to find Mr. Right. But now she wondered if she’d ever given any of her internet dates a chance. Some of them had been wrong for her, but some had been perfectly nice guys that she just hadn’t connected with. None of them had ever given her that gut feeling she’d expected. And because of that, she’d never judged any of them fit to weave into her well-ordered life where she didn’t have to compromise or change anything. She’d imagined they would fit together and everything would be comfortable and perfect. But maybe that wasn’t how love worked.
And Josh, sweet, funny Josh, had thrown all of her ideas about what her life should be on their head. He made her feel things she’d never felt before. And she’d wasted a lot of time coming up with reasons why they shouldn’t be together without letting herself think about all the reasons that they should.
* * *
The inside of Lauren’s apartment smelled delicious. Lauren led him over to the little table off the kitchen. A huge cast-iron skillet sat in the middle of the table. It looked to be filled with poached eggs laying on a bed of chunky tomato sauce.
“It’s called shakshuka,” Caleb said. “Poached eggs in a tomato-based sauce with lots of vegetables. I added feta, too.”
“They taught you how to make this in cooking class?” Josh sat at the table and let the spices in the sauce tickle his nose.
“No, actually, Lindsay sent me the recipe. I asked for her suggestions for some more challenging meals. This actually wasn’t that hard. It’s mostly throwing stuff in a skillet and letting it simmer for a bit.”
“It smells great.”
As Lauren sat at the table, she said, “Is everything okay? You look weird.”
“What does that mean?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I can’t read your face.”
“I just ran into Paige.”
Understanding dawned. “Ah. How was that?”
“Okay. Awkward. But we called a truce and agreed to be friends. So I guess that’s it.”
Lauren frowned. “I don’t understand.”
Josh glanced at Caleb, who busied himself with dishing out portions of his shakshuka to everyone. Then he turned back to Lauren. “What don’t you understand?”
“I will admit to being weirded out by you and Paige at first, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me. I figured you kids had what it took to make it. I mean, she’s crazy about you.”
“Apparently not.”
“How do you feel about that?”
Josh was tempted to snap at her—What are you, my shrink?—but he thought better of it. She was just trying to help. “I mean, it’s fine. Gives me time to focus back on work, I guess.”
“Doesn’t all work and no play do something to a man?” Caleb said as he settled into his chair.
“I tried,” Josh said. “I told her how I felt. I told her I wanted to be with her. But I can’t be the only one willing to put myself out there.”
Caleb nodded. “No, I know.” He tasted a spoonful of sauce. “Oh, man. That’s good. I’m a great cook.”
Lauren laughed. “Thanks, honey. It’s good that you impress yourself.”
“Do you not like it?”
“No, it’s great. You are a good cook.”
Caleb looked a little smug as he ate another spoonful. Then he said, “Josh, I know we’re not, like, super close friends of anything, but can I give you a little advice?”
“Sure.” Josh respected Caleb and knew he’d been divorced shortly before he met Lauren. If anyone could understand what Josh was currently going through, it was Caleb.
“Don’t repeat my mistakes. My first marriage ended because I was so self-absorbed I didn’t notice my ex was unhappy. I was trying to get a business off the ground at the time, so I completely understand work taking over your life. And it’s not really worth it in the long run. Not that I wish I was still married to my first wife.” He looked at Lauren. “What I meant to say was…”
“Caleb, it’s fine,” said Lauren, taking his hand where it sat on the table.
“Anyway. Work is important, and if you’ve got a career you’re passionate about, that’s awesome. But don’t let it be at the expense of a well-rounded life. I honestly think that working more reasonable hours in a shared practice and marrying Lauren are the two smartest decisions I ever made.”
Lauren smiled, her cheeks going pink.
“Gross,” said Josh, though he laughed.
Lauren stuck out her tongue at Josh.
“My point,” Caleb said, “is that finding someone to share your life with makes everything else in your life better. Which, yeah, that’s pretty cheesy, but I’m serious.”
“I know. And I miss Paige. But I’m not going to chase after her if she’s not that into me.”
“Fair,” said Caleb.
“But I take your point. Actually, part of why I’m able to have dinner with you tonight is that we hired a bunch of new paralegals, so I’m able to delegate some of my work. Including anything related to your real estate developer friend, which only makes me feel slightly less guilty.”
“That’s something. I recognize that you have to pay your dues. My intern year right out of vet school was brutal. I worked the night shift a lot and we got a lot of hard-luck cases at odd hours of the morning. But it got easier after that first year. So, don’t base decision on what’s going on now, but on what you think the future will look like.”
Josh nodded, knowing that was good advice.
Caleb’s big yellow dog Hank jogged over and started sniffing around the table with his tail wagging excitedly. As he nosed around Josh’s shoes, Josh said, “I don’t think dogs like spicy tomato sauce.”
“He won’t be satisfied with that until he’s able to assess it for himself,” said Caleb.
Molly the cat seemed to take a cue from Hank and started winding her way around chair legs. Then both animals seemed to decide that, not only was there nothing worth eating on the floor, but that the spices from the shakshuka did not smell so edible after all. Both retreated to the rug near the sofa. Hank flopped over to lie down, and Molly curled up near his belly.
“I can’t get over that they’re friends,” said Josh.
“I know. I figured they’d grudgingly tolerate each other. But they nap together like that all the time.” Lauren shrugged. “How’s George?”
“He’s good. Caught a bug the other day.”
“Sure,” said Lauren.
“A housefly got into my apartment. George saw it and jumped in the air and chomped down on it.”
“See that? You did need a cat. He saved you from that nefarious insect.”
Josh laughed. “Yes. Saved my life, that cat did.”