Chapter 22

Family Secrets

Petra sat on the sofa staring at her daughter, wondering how one person could influence the look of someone so greatly. Chanice had her father’s big head, freckles, deep-set eyes, and long, curly eyelashes. Sadly, she realized her daughter’s butter complexion and quick wit were even influenced by Chaka.

“You’re doing it again, Mom,” Chanice said, annoyed.

Petra offered a weak apology for making her uncomfortable. “I miss your dad so much. When I look at you, it’s like seeing him.”

“But, Mommy, I’m not Daddy. I’m Chanice,” she said with a nervous smile.

Petra’s mother had moved with her daughter for a while, since she seemed to be having such a hard time. Earlier in the day, she had explained to Chanice that her father’s death was sudden, and it saddened her mother. The reason might have made sense to the adults, but to Chanice, she only wondered whether her mom had died too.

CJ wasn’t fazed by his mother’s confusion, since he didn’t resemble his dad as much as his sister did.

“My grandchildren aren’t going to suffer the loss of two parents because you can’t function. Grieving is a process just like anything else in life, but you must remember you cannot mourn him for the rest of your life. These babies need you,” she told Petra.

Petra said, “Mama, why did he have to be like that? Why didn’t he just stay with me and let me love and care for him?” The unbridled tears streamed down her face.

“Baby, you talk like you are guilty of not protecting him from his decision to leave. Chaka was a man. He was responsible for his actions, not you.”

Petra’s labored breathing caught her mother’s attention. She thought, maybe, she’d said the wrong thing.

“Mama, you don’t understand. From the beginning of our relationship, we were responsible for each other. Whatever he needed, I provided. When I wasn’t taking my studies seriously before I found out I was pregnant, Chaka would threaten not to see me until I got my head back in the books. I was going to run away when I found out I was pregnant, but he promised he would provide everything I needed, as long as I stayed on course and got my degree. In return, I didn’t complain when he didn’t come home or came in late, because I knew he was out there working for me. I didn’t fight back when I discovered that Eve existed. I just accepted it. But I couldn’t accept when he promised to marry her. That was more than I was willing to deal with. I worked hard to maintain a home he could be proud of, and he was planning to marry her.

“The night he was killed, it was CJ’s birthday. I cooked and baked a cake. We were all having a good time when the phone went off. When Chaka returned the call, I knew he would be leaving soon, but I didn’t expect to be so angry about it. I could hear the girl yelling, saying he was spending too much time out, and telling him to come to her. At first he dismissed her, and we carried on like nothing had happened, until the beeping began again. Mama, I couldn’t deal with it, so I took the thing and smashed it against the wall. Chaka didn’t say a word. He just got up and went to bed. For the briefest of moments, I had his full attention. That night I told him I was angry that she was still able to create so much tension between us.”

The wailing sounds of Chanice interrupted the women’s conversation and forced them into the living room, where they found the child on her back. The footprints on the bookshelf indicated that Chanice had tried to climb up the shelf and had fallen.

CJ stood back in horror as he watched his sister lying there. He ran from the room the second his mother began yelling, because he knew he would get a beating too for being in the vicinity of trouble. Luckily, his grandmother was there, or they might have been beaten something fierce.

Petra’s mother helped Chanice to her feet, checking her for any serious damage. “I bet you won’t try that anymore.” She gave her granddaughter a stern look.

The sniffling and whimpering softened Petra’s heart. Her daughter could have really been injured, all because she was crying over Chaka. The sadness turned to anger as she accepted Chaka was already all right. She needed to be sure her children would be all right. She held Chanice in her arms and softly chastised her for trying such a stunt.

“What did you want from up there anyway?” Petra asked.

“Daddy gave me a necklace, and I remembered you put it on the top shelf. That was the day you and Daddy had that big fight.”

Petra remembered the necklace, but she hadn’t seen it in a while. She searched the top shelf until her hands felt the coarse metal. “I got it,” she yelled. “It’s right here.”

The smile on Chanice’s face could have brightened the room, and CJ slid back into the room just as Chanice hugged her mom.

The sight and feel of the necklace left Petra feeling hollow, like there was something she should remember, but because of her new determination to move on with life, she refused to allow the feeling to linger.

***

As the children slept soundly that night, Petra walked about the house, trying to decide what her first step should be, moving forward.

The bedroom closet still held many of Chaka’s things. After a year, she was still holding on to them as if he would return one day. Hoisting the sweaters from the overhead shelf, she refused to get caught up in the scent that permeated the room. She pushed her things to the side and began pulling down all the hangers that held his pants.

The next stop was the dresser that contained his underwear and T-shirts. She removed all the things that held her captive in her home.

Her mother heard the moving about and decided that Petra needed the time alone.

By the time Petra made her way to his socks, her eyes were clouded, but the tears wouldn’t fall. She began speaking to his memory as if he was sitting at the foot of her bed.

“Chaka, there were things in our relationship that just were never going to be perfect. It didn’t matter that I was willing to sacrifice everything to make you happy, that I accepted all the misery that was yours, that I let you come into my life and take over. You were never going to do the right thing by me. Here I was living in this house with two children, waiting for you, and you had another woman. She was everything you claimed you hated, but you still were promising her things that should’ve been meant for me.

“I begged you to tell me why you raced home to her. You never said a word. I wondered if she was smarter, and you laughed like I was telling jokes. I needed to know what she had that made you love her more than me and our two children.”

Slowly Petra’s mother climbed the steps, hoping she could get to her daughter before Petra completely lost her mind, but it was too late.

Petra was cutting item after item of Chaka’s clothing as she talked to him. The hatred in her eyes blazed like wildfire. She turned toward her mother just as she entered the door. A wicked smile crossed her face as she raised the scissors and brought them down hard on the mattress she shared with Chaka.

The blind fury in Petra’s eyes frightened her mother. She never would have believed her child was capable of such a violent display. She prayed that Petra would calm herself.

The silent prayer appeared to work, because Petra began to lose momentum. The hysterics subsided, and just as suddenly as the outburst started, it was ending.

Petra surveyed the damage surrounding her and instantly felt a rush of shame. Turning her back to the mess, she lowered her body to the floor.

Fear held her mother just beyond the doorway. “Petra,” she called and received no response. In a more demanding voice, she called out again, this time getting acknowledgment from Petra. “Reasoning hasn’t worked for you,” her mother said, “and allowing you to work through this has only made the situation worse, so I am just going to be brutally honest with you.”

Petra sat transfixed by the stern look in her mother’s eyes. Nothing could have been more embarrassing than sitting on the floor in a heap of damaged clothes, listening to her mother chastise her as if she were a child again.

“You have been behaving as if he was your entire life. Your children should be your world, and that is the truth. Now I won’t take away that you are angry with him for the decisions he made, but you chose to stay and accept your lot in this life. You could have left and lived a different life without him, but you wouldn’t hear any of that. Honestly, you’re acting as though he is alive and is rejecting you for some woman. Chaka is dead. He won’t and can’t come back, so move on. Judging by the turmoil displayed in this room, if he had chosen her over you, you would have probably killed him anyway.” Petra’s mother glanced about the room and wondered if her daughter could have done just that. Could she have killed Chaka? She wondered if her daughter had that kind of hate in her heart, especially after watching her all day behave like a hateful bitch, instead of a lovesick widow.