how to define confidence
Having confidence means you believe in you. Rather than facing your experiences in life with dread or apprehension, you eagerly look forward to life’s challenges. You count on your own judgment. You are able to talk to anyone, because you know you are ultimately a likable person. You may dislike rejection—who doesn’t—but you don’t fear it. Being confident means you know you have the brain, skill, talent, experience, common sense, know-how, and competence to effectively handle whatever life throws at you. It means you think of yourself as a capable person. Having confidence means you recognize that just as others can be a resource to help you, their help does not take anything away from who you are. It means you don’t have to be perfect, know everything, or have experience doing something you want to do. It means you can ask for help, learn a new skill, and make mistakes while still believing in yourself.
Confidence is very different from cockiness. When you are confident, you see yourself as a likable and capable person who can handle things on your own but also be open to benefitting from the help of others. You are able to have a positive outlook and realistically see that everyone is a unique composite of different strengths and weaknesses. Confident people are able to be happy for others when they excel because they are comfortable with themselves and do not need to make most things a real or imaginary competition. Cockiness grows from insecurity and doubt. The self-critic is always at work drawing unfair comparisons to others, inventing competitions, and feeling disconnected from truly enjoying the moment. Cocky people often make sure others are aware of their strengths even when those strengths are lacking, act like they are better than others, and refuse to recognize or work very hard to cover up their weaknesses. Cocky people tend to put other people down to make themselves feel better. Unfortunately, as much as they brag or boast, they never truly feel good or satisfied about who they are internally and often envy the confident person who is genuinely happy.
Max and Lauren
Max believes that being confident means people will like him even if he makes a mistake, messes up, or makes a fool of himself. His sense of self-worth isn’t dependent on what others think or say about him; he knows at his core he is doing okay. He thinks he is basically a smart guy who can handle school, even though learning Spanish has been really hard. What makes Max confident is that he can face his weaknesses without losing sight of his overall strengths. This is the difference between Max being self-confident and Max being cocky. If Max were cocky, he would fail to see his weaknesses, think he was superior to everyone else, and give himself credit for strengths he didn’t actually have.
Lauren thinks feeling confident arises from compliments or praise. She worries about what others think and say about her. She puts endless energy into her appearance, as she believes that people will think less of her if she is not looking her best. Lauren is as far from cocky as a person can be, but she does lack confidence.
Here are some examples of how others know they feel confident:
- Jack knows he feels confident at home when he isn’t offended by his brother’s insults.
- Zach knows he feels confident at school when he offers his opinion in a classroom debate.
- Ally knows she feels confident with her friends when she asserts her opinion about which movie she prefers to watch.
- Kyra knows she feels confident in sports and her performance when she tries out for the travel lacrosse team.
- Bob knows he feels confident trying something new when he tries speaking German in public.
- Salma knows she feels confident speaking in front of others when she stands up tall, looks straight at the audience, and simply shares the material she has prepared.
It is essential for you to know when you are feeling confident. The only way to gain, sustain, or grow confidence is to recognize what it is and when you experience it. Think about the situations mentioned below and see if you can recognize when you’re confident.
- I know I feel confident at home when I: __________________
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- I know I feel confident at school when I: __________________
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- I know I feel confident with my friends when I: __________________
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- I know I feel confident in sports or artistic performance when I: __________________
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- I know I feel confident trying something new when I: __________________
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- I know I feel confident speaking in front of others when I: __________________
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Remind yourself of those feelings of confidence and carry them with you all day today.
Based on the examples of situations in which you know you feel confident, answer these questions:
In what ways are you already confident?
Example: Jack knows he is cool no matter what insults his brother throws at him. He is confident that he is a fun, likable, quiet guy.
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In what ways would you like to see your confidence grow?
Example: Jack would like to see his confidence on the wrestling mat grow. He questions whether he will ever be good enough to get a varsity spot.
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The Bottom Line: I believe in me. I’ve got this.