events can play a role
How you think about yourself and what you believe about yourself don’t come out of the blue. They come from the way you think about life situations and experiences, especially difficult ones. If you assign external events or messages too much importance, it’s easy to let them convince you that some negative label is true. When you personalize external things, self-doubt can develop.
Porscha
Porscha’s parents are divorced. Both of them seem too busy with their lives to have time for her and she doesn’t feel important to them. Porscha thinks her parents’ divorce is messing with her head. Porscha finds walking up to her friends really difficult because she worries that she might say something that upsets them or that they won’t want to hang out with her. Sometimes she thinks it would be easier to just walk the other way and pretend she doesn’t see them. She believes she doesn’t matter, that she isn’t important.
Porscha uses her external experiences to indicate something negative about her personally. Her parents’ divorce and behavior give her a strong, steady message that she doesn’t matter. She looks for ways to confirm this view, taking note of whenever she feels unwanted and concluding that the people she loves don’t care much for her.
Take time to think about how situations from your past negatively affect the way you see yourself now. Have you lived through any of the following experiences? Note that this is not an exhaustive list. You may have faced a situation that you don’t find here.
- Did you experience a move?
- Did it take you longer than other kids to learn to crawl, walk, or talk?
- Did you change schools?
- Did you have to switch classes?
- Did you have to change levels within a specific subject?
- Did your teacher insist on meeting with your parents?
- Did you experience any health issues or illnesses?
- Were you held back in school?
- Did you get into trouble in school?
- Did you ever get into trouble with law enforcement?
- Did your parents separate or divorce?
- Did you have an upsetting experience with your siblings?
- Did you experience a tough fight with a friend?
- Has something traumatic happened to someone you know?
- Were you ever at fault in some type of accident?
- Did something painful happen in your school or community?
- Were you exposed to a natural disaster?
- Did you not make the cut on a team, in a show, or for a club?
- Did you try out for a part or run for a position and it didn’t work out?
- Did you put yourself out there for someone and it didn’t turn out well for you?
- Was there something you were not included in or wished you could be a part of?
- Did a romantic interest not seem to work out?
- Did you experience a breakup?
- Did you not get a job?
- Did you get fired?
- Have you faced death?
- Was there extreme conflict or violence in your life?
- Have you faced abuse or trauma?
- Have you been bullied or teased?
- Has your family faced money problems?
- Have you faced housing problems?
- Have you ever been injured in a serious accident?
- Do you have ill or impaired siblings or parents?
- Have you had any serious injuries?
Have you drawn meaning about yourself from any of these situations? Did they play a role in shaping your self-doubt?
Write down a situation from your past or present:
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Did this situation trigger doubt? Circle one answer: YES NO
Did it shift the way you think about yourself? Circle one answer: YES NO
Describe how it affected you:
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Did you label yourself with a doubt-name? If so, what are you calling yourself?
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Don’t let any external situation imply something personal about you or define you. It’s like taking repeat off your song list and playing the full album so that you see yourself fairly. When you play your life all the way through, you will recognize that there are 365 days in a year with 3,600 minutes per day. Lots and lots of stuff happens in that time. The next time your interpretation of a situation triggers self-doubt, catch the nasty label you are giving yourself and replace it with a big picture, drawn from the jigsaw puzzle that makes up you.
Example
Situation: Brian’s first girlfriend breaks up with him and then starts dating his friend.
Brian’s self-doubt label: I’m average. No wonder she wants someone better.
Brian’s broader perspective: I have things going for me. I’m smart, funny, and a good guy. Maybe she just likes hanging out with him more than me. It’s true that they both love to make music and that’s just not my thing.
Situation: __________________
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Self-doubt label: __________________
A broader perspective: __________________
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The Bottom Line: Life experiences matter, but events do not define you.