Self-doubt can develop from messages and interactions with important people in your life. You can assign an offhand comment more meaning than it deserves, just like being called mean names in the heat of an argument can bring you down more than it should. What people call you, what you think they are calling you, or what you suspect they think about you is not the problem. The problem occurs when you let the names you hear, or imagine, define you. Even a random encounter with a stranger could negatively affect your self-view, if you let it. The most important thing you can do for yourself is be your own fair judge.
Lily
Lily puts so much time and energy into studying. Her brother is able to go out and do lots of other things while she is stuck with her books. Lily often thinks she is not as smart as her brother and that other people seem to have it easier. On a good day, she realizes that she is a good student; however, on the tougher days, she calls herself an idiot and wonders how long it’ll take before her friends and teachers realize it, too. During these moments her mood sinks and she gets very self-critical. She believes her brother doesn’t struggle with school because he is the smart one. And it doesn’t help that he gets much better grades than she does, which teachers give her a hard time about.
When Lily hears people say that her brother is “the smart one,” a comparison is being made that indicates she is not “the smart one.” Therefore, she concludes that she must be dumb. Most likely, that’s not true. But you can see how she heard that message, took it to heart, and let it chip away at her sense of self. Have you heard messages that negatively affect the way you see yourself? Who said them and what were they?
The table that follows contains a list of potential sources for negative messages you hear. Can you recall anyone on the list saying something you heard in a way that negatively affected you? If so, identify the messages you heard and the nasty doubt labels they inspired.
Who contributed to your self-doubt? Think of each person and decide what percentage of your self-doubt he or she contributed to. Then divide the circle offered here into a pie chart with proportions that reflect the extent to which each person has contributed to the doubt you now hold about yourself. Don’t forget to put yourself in there. If you find it hard to fill out the pie chart, then your doubt probably isn’t getting the best of you.