When events are stressful, upsetting, unpredictable, or uncontrollable, you can get so overwhelmed by an emotion that your world is colored by it. The emotion might even cause you to handle things badly or act in a way that you later regret. By noticing your emotions and how intense they are in the moment, you put yourself back in the driver’s seat and are able to decide how to proceed. When you recognize emotions as warning lights, you will keep them from overtaking your thinking. Being effective means choosing a course of action that maximizes the chance of a successful outcome.
Christy
Someone Christy doesn’t know all that well said she thought Christy’s boyfriend had cheated with someone from another school. Christy felt extremely angry and hurt. Her emotions were in the red zone. She wanted to hurt her boyfriend so she refused to give back the stuff he left at her house, ripped up all their pictures, and posted mean stories about him all over the Internet. Once she found out the rumor wasn’t true, she tried to apologize but he wasn’t interested in talking to her.
Here are some of the emotions that you may want to think about:
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This exercise will help you think about an emotion as the warning light that signals you to pay attention to your thoughts.
On the scale below, a 0 means you’re not experiencing the emotion at all and 10 means you’re experiencing the emotion to its fullest. When you are at an 8 or higher, typically that means the emotion is taking over, which results in a distorted view of the world. A 6 or 7 means that while you may have some objectivity, your feelings can still lead to a skewed viewpoint.
0----------1----------2----------3----------4----------5----------6----------7----------8----------9----------10
Think about the last time your emotions got the better of you.
What was the situation? __________________
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What was the main emotion you experienced and, using the intensity scale, how high did it get?
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When your emotions are running too high, you can get caught up in thoughts that rev your feelings even higher. This is what it means to be reactive. Here are some examples of thoughts you might have when your emotions are overheated.
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I feel bad so the situation is bad. |
I feel bad and can’t deal so I won’t. |
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I feel bad so the situation will turn out badly. |
I feel bad so something bad will happen. |
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I feel bad so something bad did happen. |
My feelings are right. |
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They made me feel bad so I’ll make them feel bad. |
I have to do something to stop feeling bad. |
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I felt this bad in the past and it was a bad situation. |
I have to listen to my feelings. |
Next time your feelings are running high, pay attention so that you can capture your thoughts. Then notice how they play a role in the action you take. Use the following format any time you want to make note of the situation, your feelings, and how you act as a result.
Situation: __________________
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Actions: __________________
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The Bottom Line: Strong emotions are more likely to make you reactive than effective.